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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP cross there's no food

999 replies

droopyears · 06/10/2020 19:24

My DP of 4 years has just had a go at me because there is no food in the house. He doesn't actually live with me.
He knows I do my food shopping on a Wednesday so am usually pretty low on a Tuesday.
He seemed really cross that there wasn't a huge menu of snacks available Confused
I just wanted to vent really

OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 07/10/2020 00:31

Where I'm from we have a name for such a person: A food lover (both ways) or a dinner boyfriend.

Please pull him up on this, he owes you four years of prepared and paid for meals, snacks and drinks. He has really sneaked his slippers under your table and into your purse Confused.

TitsOutForHarambe · 07/10/2020 00:34

Get Did

TitsOutForHarambe · 07/10/2020 00:34

Get RID

AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2020 00:38

I think it's a classic case of 'boiled frog syndrome'.

OP Him taking advantage of you happened so slowly that you didn't really 'see' it happening. But now that you do know, what are you going to do? What he's doing is impacting your standard of living, and that of your children.

If I were you I'd tell him the truth, that you can no longer afford to feed him and that he will need to contribute to the food budget, either by buying food and bringing it or giving you money to cover part of the food budget.

But do expect him to get all pissy and say you're greedy. After all, he's gifting you with his golden presence. What more could you possibly want?

Poor you. And poor his mum, too.

Lockdownproblems · 07/10/2020 00:41

My partner does this too..same he doesnt live here.usually eats all the snacks etc I have in for my dd break so i now hide them.

Nanalisa60 · 07/10/2020 00:47

Does he not know were the supermarket is? When my dh say there’s no food I just say is there not!! well you know we’re to go and get it from!! feel free to buy as much!! And while you are there you can buy my a nice bunch of flowers and a bottle of Prosecco!!

I hate food shopping, I would rather clean the whole house then go shopping!! And now with the masks I hate it even more!!

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2020 00:53

@Lockdownproblems

My partner does this too..same he doesnt live here.usually eats all the snacks etc I have in for my dd break so i now hide them.
So why do you put up with this too?

Hiding food in your own house is bloody lunacy!

newnameforthis123 · 07/10/2020 00:59

Wtf?! He's basically taking money from you. You're subsidising a man who earns more than you even though you have kids and earn less. Come on OP, he would rather you were worse off so he can have more money and be more lazy. That's not love.

AlwaysCheddar · 07/10/2020 04:22

Bloody hell, wake up and see him for what he is - a nasty freeloading mummy’s boy.

MsDogLady · 07/10/2020 04:33

I feel like he’s totally in charge of everything in my house and I don’t know why.

This Manipulative User feels entitled to your time, energy, attention, intimacy, space, food, money, home comforts, etc. He does not feel obligated to reciprocate or share responsibility because he is massively selfish. It sounds like he has taken over by stealth and you have allowed it. The good news is that you are recognizing his disrespectful, controlling behavior for what it is.

I wouldn’t bother with requesting contributions or insisting on more respect. He has exploited you and your children, so I would send him on his way.

To empower yourself, find a way (reading, videos, counseling) to strengthen your boundaries so that in the future you will readily identify and reject imbalanced relationships.

justilou1 · 07/10/2020 04:53

So tell us why you call him your partner exactly? He sounds more like your parasite.

pictish · 07/10/2020 05:36

Well it sounds like things have been wangled to serve him well. Hot food, company and the upper hand in your home, with none of the responsibility or commitment.

Think about how you want to proceed.

differentnameforthis · 07/10/2020 05:37

@droopyears

He has dinner at mine most evenings but no he doesn't ever really bring food with him.
So he's a freeloader who expects women to shop & cook for him?

Hopefully he won't be your boyfriend for much longer.

@droopyears I don't want to say much as it's not the nicest being called things like pathetic

No it's not, but those posters are as bad as your partner, and just looking for a reason to bully you. The truth is, he isn't a good man, and his gaslighting will turn into other forms of abuse.

but he turned up out of the blue just after dinner Erm no... he doesn't get to turn up out of the blue and then tell you to stay away from him!!

Adding to the shopping list, controlling what you cook (and therefore eat) is horrible behaviour. Please rethink this relationship op. He is already exerting his control over your entire household, this will NOT stop, but will escalate.

How does he react if you refuse to cook what he wants?

FourDecades · 07/10/2020 05:58

He doesn't seem to have any respect for you or your home. I suspect that he has got far to comfortable and now regards your home as his too.... but without the effort or financial input that having a house requires.

Has he ever mentioned moving in? If so, please don't let him. If he's inconsiderate not living with you, imagine what he'd be like once he was officially there.

I really think you need to speak to him about his dreadful entitlement. His reaction will tell you what to do.

Eviebeans · 07/10/2020 06:15

Just text him this morning, "got an old friend coming over - lots to catch up on - let's give it a miss tonight - will be in touch"

SunshineCake · 07/10/2020 06:31

@droopyears

His DC live with their Mum and he sees them every other weekend and sometimes the odd night in between. He doesn't bring them to mine

I have a shopping list in my kitchen that the kids add things to if they run out of something or fancy something in particular and I noticed the other day that he has been adding things to it too

I just don't know how I've not noticed all of this before Angry

Doesn't matter you haven't noticed before what matters now is what you are going to do about it.

He needs to go. Today.

squishee · 07/10/2020 06:32

Sod making excuses up like that. It needs to be along the lines of "I'm dumping you, and here's why."

REignbow · 07/10/2020 06:51

Sometimes I have to change what I'm planning on cooking for dinner because he doesn't fancy it that night. But he somehow says it in a way that doesn't sound like he's doing that, if that makes sense. I feel like he's totally in charge of everything in my house and I don't know why

@droopyears you are a nice person and he has slowly been pushing boundaries. @AcrossthePond55 description about the boiling frog is spot on.

He Also wasn’t just joking about his strop about food, he just used that to make you feel bad. I bet, if you looked back he’s used other manipulative behaviour with you in order to get his own way.

Now that you can see how bad this is, you have two choices.

1: Continue as you are. For instance, using your money on him (as opposed to your children), him then dictating what you all eat and throwing even more tantrums when you haven’t dared buy what he has put on the list.

Or

2: Finish with him. Tell him you are putting both your DC and yourself first. That you will not allow anyone to free load off you and take advantage of your kind nature.

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2020 07:00

Tell him you're his ex girlfriend not the food bank
He's been really rude
Hope you've dumped him

isthismylifenow · 07/10/2020 07:15

@AcrossthePond55

I think it's a classic case of 'boiled frog syndrome'.

OP Him taking advantage of you happened so slowly that you didn't really 'see' it happening. But now that you do know, what are you going to do? What he's doing is impacting your standard of living, and that of your children.

If I were you I'd tell him the truth, that you can no longer afford to feed him and that he will need to contribute to the food budget, either by buying food and bringing it or giving you money to cover part of the food budget.

But do expect him to get all pissy and say you're greedy. After all, he's gifting you with his golden presence. What more could you possibly want?

Poor you. And poor his mum, too.

Excellent advise from AcrossthePond OP.

We just take things as normal until there comes a point when we think, hang about, this isn't really normal.

Babaoreally · 07/10/2020 07:24

Dickhead!

KatherineJaneway · 07/10/2020 07:31

So he knows your ill but comes over anyway and throws a tantrum about food. Sounds like you are his meal ticket - literally!

Raindancer411 · 07/10/2020 07:41

I am sorry but he just wants another mum and not a partner. I had one like that and so glad I left.

OnCandyStripeLegs · 07/10/2020 07:44

If you are in any doubt - don't do your big shop today. Get enough for tonight's dinner (one that you like) and the kids lunches and wait for his reaction. I expect it will tell you a lot.

Gooseysgirl · 07/10/2020 07:49

He's treating your place like a hotel. You are enabling the behaviour by allowing it to continue. Get rid.

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