My Mum, Missing family life as a couple, stress - long hours working nights . Need to Vent

[changing35]

This might be long so pleaes try and stick with me. Also posted here for traffic to be honest.

I am mid 30's, divroced and a single mum to 4 children. Their father sees them one day a week for around 8 hours. Never overnight. He lived with parents and then rented a room in a shared house next door to parents since we split up almost 3 years ago.

I work full time 77 hrs a week on nights. week on week off. I love my job, I feel like I am SOMEBODY at work, making a difference with my own identity. I also like to think I am pretty good at it and could progress over time.

My mum is my only childcare while I work. All discussed with her before i even applied for the job and reviewed (haha) regularly. Shes always been very highly strung and can be very unpleasant at times. I have siblings and none of them have spoken to her for year, in one case 25 years!!

Shes incredibly judgemental, if i buy something and bring it into my house she will turn her nose up, criticise and so on. She undermines my parenting in front of my children and to be honest my children dont particularly like her which is a real shame but not entirely surprising. Its got so bad that I tell her very little about me and my life as shes not a very nice person and isnt supportive on an emotional level. I actually dread going home from work on the week she stays with me and try and keep out of her way as much as possible.

For example my bed she doesnt like and she refuses to sleep in it (i dont have a spare room) so she insists on sleeping on my sofa. Shes 70 with health issues and then complains what an awful person i am having her there and not giving her a bed.

On more than one occassion I have been about to leave for work and shes said shes not looking after them anymoire, they are out of control etc etc (they do admittedly play her up alot as she rises to it and shouts and kicks off at them and they push her buttons) She knows I have no one else but insists on telling me their father will HAVE to step up. I wish he would but he wont and I cant make him.

He was furloughed in march and I asked him to look after the children at my house while I worked and he refused. He then didnt see the children for four months saying he was isolating (he doesnt have health issues of any kind) and once he started seeing them again twice inside of a month he cancelled as hes not got a girlfriend and they were goign away for the weekend instead) He knows my mother is my childcare. When he was furloughed and I requested his help with the care of his own children he told me to give my job up and look after them and when I told him (almost in tears i was so desperate and worried) that I would lose the home if i couldnt work he told me the kids would have to go into care. My mum knows all this and to be honest she plays to it to her advatnage to have me by the bollocks. I have to take her outbursts, abuse etc as she knows I need her basically.

Its got so bad I have advertised for a nanny but to be honest I really cannot afford one on what I earn. I would most likely have to take on a second job on my week off simply to cover the costs.

She also is very judgemental if I ever go out for lunch on my days off while the kids are at school with a friend. Her view is she doesnt get to go out so why should I am that I am 'taking the piss' or having a laugh.

I had one relationship after my husband but we split in July although we are in touch as friends and a couple of times hes sat with the children to allow me a break which isnt solely work (the children know him very well as he spent alot of time with us ove the past two years)

I dont really know what I am asking. I feel happy at work, i love my job but everything else is a fucking ball ache of stress and I hate my life to be honest. I miss being with the childrens father as a family unit (i shouldnt as he was abusive to me and a hevay drinker and it was me who divorced him) Tonight i drove into work and had this overwhelming feeling of couples with families sat happily on the sofa living happy lives and it made me feel so so sad.

This time of year is difficult anyway. Lots of memories and triggers. wedding anniversary, anniversary of dads death, my birthday, kids birthdays plus all those traditional happy family scenes of christmas halloween bonfire night and so on. Plus the stress of knowing its all on me to do it. I am either at work or asleep (literally on my week at work thats all i can manage )

I just dont know anymore

Your poor mum. Looking after your four rowdy children at 70 and you say she's not a very nice person. I'm surprised she doesn't just walk out and leave you to it. It's a mess, but it's your mess, not hers.

Don't be too hard on your Mum. At her age it will be difficult to deal with all those rowdy children, and I suppose underneath it all, she is likely to be upset about how your life has panned out, with all your work, and no Husband help etc. She can't have the perfect Grandmother experience so to speak, so maybe why she gets tetchy and a bit angry whatever.

They are your kids not hers, maybe she is fed up with having to care for so many kids at her age, no one on here will have a solution for you but all we can suggest is make it easier on her as much as possible if you need her for child care

Wow, your poor DM.

You seem to think it's her responsibility to help you with your DC since your ex is so feckless. Why can't he stay at your house when you're working nights??

She might not be a very nice person, but it sounds like she's all you've got so you might want to try to make it work if you can't get your ex to step up.

@ReefTeeth

Wow, your poor DM.

You seem to think it's her responsibility to help you with your DC since your ex is so feckless. Why can't he stay at your house when you're working nights??

She might not be a very nice person, but it sounds like she's all you've got so you might want to try to make it work if you can't get your ex to step up.

She already stated that dad refuses to step up. Ahe can't force him. She needs to start looking for another job. This one is not sustainable

No I dont think it is her responsibility at all. They arent her children. Shes had us, shes raised us. This isnt her job to do. When I was looking to go back to work after we divorced we had many conversations and it was actually her who suggested providing childcare. I never asked her or suggested it.

With regards to making it as easy for her as possible. I do. When I finish work at 6am I go straight home get all the childrn up, washed, fed dressed and I take them to school. Put any washing on which needs doing and then I get up at 3pm and collect them from school bring them home. She will do their dinner for them while I am getting ready for work and I get them changed bathed etc before I leave. She sends them up to bed and is a presence in the house overnight. They range from 8-15 years of age so arent babies or toddlers. They are up in bed by 20.30 I leave for work at 19.00.

As for the previous poster who mentioned why my ex cant stay at my house overnight, as already explained I have asked for his help on more than one occassion and he will not do it. He has actually said why should he put himself out to do me a favour. As i say there is a history of domestic abuse from him to me and he was under a non mol for 12 months (expired last year) plus I divorced him so to say he revels in the fact my life is made infinately more difficult by him saying no is more accurate.

My children arent rowdy all the time. Most of the time they arent at home they are either at school or in bed but like all children yes they play up from time to time. Just like everbody elses do!

This last week I have used the after school club until 18.00 so that she doesnt have to see them for as long and it enables me to sleep longer. I was only getting 5 hours sleep in a 24 hour period previously

Wow I think these replies are harsh!
Yes you should be extremely grateful for free childcare for 4 children but that doesn’t mean she gets to behave however she wants! I know I certainly would hate my mother moving in every other week and raising my children! I understand you are trapped with the useless ex and don’t have a choice right now! I too work nights.
I think it’s probably so hard to deal with emotionally right now as there is no light at the end of the tunnel! That in itself would grind anyone down!

@1forAll74 she may well be upset at how my life has panned out. But for context when I was a stay at home parent and married she used to tell me on a regular basis I was wasting my life with him and how ashamed of me for wasting my brain and sitting at home all day.

Is this role only nights based, is there a day equivalent? I know it isn't always that easy though. I think pp are being a bit harsh to be honest. If your mum agreed before you applied then I can't really see she has much to moan about. Her not sleeping in your bed is just her being a martyr unless your mattress is absolutely fucked.

At ages 8-15 they don't really need the support to help them to bed so as you say she is just a presence there. What exactly are the children doing to wind her up? What is the issue?

I know the old age, they aren't her children etc, but I personally come from a lovely family who want to help me out. Both my parents and my DPs parents. Most of my friends have varying degrees of this too. My mum has friends who look after grandchildren and friends who would love grandchildren to look after. A large proportion of Mumsnet seems to think it is a badge of honour to never dream of having help from family for some unknown reason.

Wow. all those focusing their sympathy on op's emotionally abusive mother really have no idea what it's like to have a toxic parent.

Op has swapped an abusive husband (partly on the wish of her mother) and now has an abusive parent to contend with, and you are all on her side!

Tonight i drove into work and had this overwhelming feeling of couples with families sat happily on the sofa living happy lives and it made me feel so so sad. Op, I am sorry this is so tough for you. However, don't go backwards. You didn't have a happy family, which is why you left.

How old are your children? Can you swap the nights for days?

You say your DC range in age from 8-15, how are the other 2? Maybe a bit unfair to the 15 year old but couldn't they be doing more? I thought you were going to say toddlers or preschool by your description. No idea why a 15 year old should be in bed by 8;30! You and your DM are unhealthy enmeshed and you need to untangle yourself from her. Use after school clubs and then see if you can pay your 15yr old to babysit (i used to do overnights at 14). The problem is you need her and she is treating you like shit! It doesn't sound like she really likes you or your DC either. Come up with a plan - change jobs, change childcare, whatever it takes to make your life your own. Stop telling her so much as well. Why does your DM need to know if you go to lunch on your day off??

@ItStartedWithAKiss241

Wow I think these replies are harsh! Yes you should be extremely grateful for free childcare for 4 children but that doesn’t mean she gets to behave however she wants! I know I certainly would hate my mother moving in every other week and raising my children! I understand you are trapped with the useless ex and don’t have a choice right now! I too work nights. I think it’s probably so hard to deal with emotionally right now as there is no light at the end of the tunnel! That in itself would grind anyone down!

Agree with this. OP the responses have been overly harsh. You seem to be doing the absolute best that you can in a difficult situation. It should get better. Hang on x

@ItWasButIsNot

Is this role only nights based, is there a day equivalent? I know it isn't always that easy though. I think pp are being a bit harsh to be honest. If your mum agreed before you applied then I can't really see she has much to moan about. Her not sleeping in your bed is just her being a martyr unless your mattress is absolutely fucked.

At ages 8-15 they don't really need the support to help them to bed so as you say she is just a presence there. What exactly are the children doing to wind her up? What is the issue?

I know the old age, they aren't her children etc, but I personally come from a lovely family who want to help me out. Both my parents and my DPs parents. Most of my friends have varying degrees of this too. My mum has friends who look after grandchildren and friends who would love grandchildren to look after. A large proportion of Mumsnet seems to think it is a badge of honour to never dream of having help from family for some unknown reason.

agree with this too. My parents look after my child 4 days a week. I spoke to them before I had her about what would be possible. Like your DM, they offered. I think it's normal for many people with supportive families who live nearby to have help with childcare. Just because youre being helped doesn't mean you can never raise any issues with how you're treated.

You say your DC range in age from 8-15, how are the other 2

The other two what?

Could you replace your bed with two twins? That way she could have her own bed, her own sheets, etc. you don’t sleep at the same time so it’s not like you would actually be sleeping side by side.

The rest of it is tough. Where I live, your XH would be obligated to cover half of child care costs. Of course, enforcement is a problem, but with a bill hanging over his head, he might just step up and watch the kids overnight while you work.

The thing is, on MN sometimes it's seen as completely unreasonable to rely on your mum/parents for childcare - even if they offered and were completely happy to do so. My DM absolutely HATES it if I even suggest at getting someone else to babysit - despite the fact I have two SEN children, my DM is over the age of 70 and looking after them isn't easy! As it happens, I rarely (pretty much never) need childcare as I'm self-employed. But on the very rare occasions I have, my DM gets shouty with my children and it clearly exhausts her. But she gets really pissed off if I gently suggest getting help elsewhere. I can't not tell her as the children don't have any concept of not blurting things out 🙄😅

So I totally get it. You need to work to look after your children. You didn't have 4 kids and plan to rely on your DM. Your ex-DH is an arse. Poor you. You're exhausting yourself trying to do everything, and you're stuck accepting help that you would rather not. Genuine sympathy and hugs coming your way, OP.

OK, solutions:

1. Carry on putting your DC in after school club until 6pm on the weeks you work.
2. Could you find an overnight sitter? If you're only asking for 6pm to 6pm every other week, could be more affordable?
3. Could you ask your employer to switch to days?
4. I'm assuming you can't work from home?
5. Do you have a job that you could leave and return to later? I get that you love what you do, but is it really worth this stress right now? Could you find a daytime job elsewhere and return to this later on in life? Your children aren't that young, so you could potentially revisit in a few years - if that's viable in your field.
6. Could you take ex-DH to court to make him share custody more fairly? Personally, this wouldn't be something I'd consider but I'm including it as an option for completeness.
7. Could you drop to part-time hours? Maybe top-up earnings with self-employed work you could do from home (lots of options with that)
8. If there really is no other solution, what can you do to stop your mum grumbling? Do you really love your bed or is it worth just buying a bloody bed she likes to stop her being a martyr? You're not in the wrong, but making a concession to keep her happy might be better for your sanity!
9. Can you talk to the kids - seriously - about not playing your mum up? Is there any incentive you can offer them to behave? Yes, it's bribery but who cares if it makes your life easier? I'm worried about how thinly you're spreading yourself.

I don't know if any of this helps at all but I hope you're OK. Life won't always feel like such a slog ❤️

@msstillwell the ages of what? Well what do you think? Penguins? Wine? Or maybe the ages of the other 2 children because a 15 year old looking after an 8 year old and 2 other children of primary school age would be a lot but an 8 year old with 3 secondary aged siblings would be very different.

This sounds very stressful, but to put it in perspective, your kids are older children, not young babies or toddlers. You've got this far with them, the older ones at least will be leaving home in a few years. I'd just try to focus on ways that you can all enjoy the next few years more together more as a family of five.

Here's my take on what you've written:

1. Your ex is a bag of shit. Your lives are a lot better for him being out of them. Are you claiming child maintenance for the four children he does nothing for? I damn well hope so. Don't mourn him any longer.
2. Your older children need to step up more. They need to do more around the house. The 15 year old, if sensible, should be perfectly capably of babysitting the younger ones. Even if you don't want them alone overnight (which is understandable), they should be getting their own dinner (the older ones can cook for the youngest) and doing chores, not leaving it all for your DM.
3. You might not be able to afford a nanny, but you don't have young children so you don't really need one. At most, you need an after school au pair (although that might be tricky if you don't have a spare room - could the kids share rooms?). If you want ad hoc childcare in the evenings so you can go out with friends or on a date and you don't feel the 15 year old can do this, there are lots of sites online offering ad hoc babysitting where you pay per hour.
4. Buy a bed your mother likes. Just grit your teeth and do it. She's helping you out, she'll probably be less grumpy with a good night's sleep. Also, can you make the kids share rooms when she stays with you so one of them gives up their room for your DM?

I really would focus on getting your kids on the same page as you. A weekend walk, grab a takeaway or pizza and have an honest chat with them. Ask if they like living in a house where people are stressed and angry. Tell them that you know their grandmother is difficult, but could they please just show some self-control around her and not rise to her or cause problems, because she's doing you a massive favour so you can go to work and provide for them. Let them know that if you're going to get through the next few years and have fun as a family, they're going to have to do their bit.

Thanks for all the replies.
eldest is almost 15 and the others are 9,8 and 7 . Eldest has looked after them for an hour while i popped to the supermarket and things like that but I dont deem it safe to leave them like that overnight in case of illness accident and so on.

I dont do a job which can be done from home.
I used to work days. My job is 24/7/365 a year role worked by lots of us in shifts . I started on days and nights does work better for all of us. Firstly its a week on week off rather than days in work every single week. I also collect my mum and bring her to mine and take her home again the following week when I finish. She doesnt drive and lives 45 mins drive from me so no option for her to go home each day and just pop over in the evenings.

The matress isnt fucked lol when ex and I split up the bed was the first thing I changed and it was a very expensive simba matress which took it place. I am barely ever in it and only on one side of it so no issues as to the condition of the bed .

Yes she is a martyr. I have suggested babysitters or an au pair and things like that and she becomes highly offended , says shes clearly not good enough, that no one else should be trusted with them and gets very huffy and indignant about it all. She also hates me talking about my work (my children are fascinated by what I do as its a bit of a hidden world what I do and they ask alot of questions about it) she is visibly irritated by it and says I dont give the children enough attention as all I do is talk work!

The mention of lunch was a passing remark which I know now not to mention again.

Yes I have often on reflection thought I left one abusive controlling suffocating person (her) to be with my husband who was older ( i met him when i had not long left school and spent along time with him) who turned out to be abusive and be littling of me just in different ways.

With regard to what they do to annoy her. Going in the garden getting on the damn trampoline and then refusing to get off of it to come in for dinner whilst laughing at her and ignoring her is a favourite. I hae spoken with them at length and asked them to keep the peace as I need to work if we want nice things, days out etc but it quickly goes out the window.

All I can say is well done, working nights and having 4 children I take my hat off to you. It must be very hard. To anyone saying get another job, not easy at the moment and if you like your job, you have to have something to look forward to. It’s a shame your mother makes things hard for you, and your husband is lousy at his responsibilities, his loss in my opinion as your children are at an age when they know that they are missing his presence in their lives. What about your in laws, can they not help out? Lastly, I certainly hope your husband is paying child maintenance.

@changing35 I'm so intrigued to know what you do, sounds like it might be a similar role to me. I don't there is anything wrong to discuss your job with the children. Why does it irritate your mother? Surely engaging with the children is the opposite of ignoring them? But she sounds like the type of person who can be offended/irritated by a fluffy soft toy.

Could the trampoline be taken down now it's coming into winter months? Or go with the bribery for a nice day out or something.

I wouldn't swap your bed out. She is choosing the sofa let her get on with it unless she can suggest something suitable within reason too.

I feel for you because I know how hard nights can be even in a job you love. I'm dreading leaving my baby for nights but I earn good money and can provide a nice life for him doing this job.

@changing35
I have respect for you. Take the reins. You have been let down by the people who should be there to support you, and that’s hard. But there’s nothing you can do,
Is there any way you could get an au pair? I think that would be much less stressful for everyone.
Take heart lovely. You will get through this.

the ages of what? Well what do you think? Penguins? Wine? you didn’t say ‘age’ and it looks as though you don’t know what ‘range’ means.

So you’re mum actually lives with you a week on / week off? I think that changes things a lot from “just being a presence in the house overnight”.