My Mum, Missing family life as a couple, stress - long hours working nights . Need to Vent

[changing35]

This might be long so pleaes try and stick with me. Also posted here for traffic to be honest.

I am mid 30's, divroced and a single mum to 4 children. Their father sees them one day a week for around 8 hours. Never overnight. He lived with parents and then rented a room in a shared house next door to parents since we split up almost 3 years ago.

I work full time 77 hrs a week on nights. week on week off. I love my job, I feel like I am SOMEBODY at work, making a difference with my own identity. I also like to think I am pretty good at it and could progress over time.

My mum is my only childcare while I work. All discussed with her before i even applied for the job and reviewed (haha) regularly. Shes always been very highly strung and can be very unpleasant at times. I have siblings and none of them have spoken to her for year, in one case 25 years!!

Shes incredibly judgemental, if i buy something and bring it into my house she will turn her nose up, criticise and so on. She undermines my parenting in front of my children and to be honest my children dont particularly like her which is a real shame but not entirely surprising. Its got so bad that I tell her very little about me and my life as shes not a very nice person and isnt supportive on an emotional level. I actually dread going home from work on the week she stays with me and try and keep out of her way as much as possible.

For example my bed she doesnt like and she refuses to sleep in it (i dont have a spare room) so she insists on sleeping on my sofa. Shes 70 with health issues and then complains what an awful person i am having her there and not giving her a bed.

On more than one occassion I have been about to leave for work and shes said shes not looking after them anymoire, they are out of control etc etc (they do admittedly play her up alot as she rises to it and shouts and kicks off at them and they push her buttons) She knows I have no one else but insists on telling me their father will HAVE to step up. I wish he would but he wont and I cant make him.

He was furloughed in march and I asked him to look after the children at my house while I worked and he refused. He then didnt see the children for four months saying he was isolating (he doesnt have health issues of any kind) and once he started seeing them again twice inside of a month he cancelled as hes not got a girlfriend and they were goign away for the weekend instead) He knows my mother is my childcare. When he was furloughed and I requested his help with the care of his own children he told me to give my job up and look after them and when I told him (almost in tears i was so desperate and worried) that I would lose the home if i couldnt work he told me the kids would have to go into care. My mum knows all this and to be honest she plays to it to her advatnage to have me by the bollocks. I have to take her outbursts, abuse etc as she knows I need her basically.

Its got so bad I have advertised for a nanny but to be honest I really cannot afford one on what I earn. I would most likely have to take on a second job on my week off simply to cover the costs.

She also is very judgemental if I ever go out for lunch on my days off while the kids are at school with a friend. Her view is she doesnt get to go out so why should I am that I am 'taking the piss' or having a laugh.

I had one relationship after my husband but we split in July although we are in touch as friends and a couple of times hes sat with the children to allow me a break which isnt solely work (the children know him very well as he spent alot of time with us ove the past two years)

I dont really know what I am asking. I feel happy at work, i love my job but everything else is a fucking ball ache of stress and I hate my life to be honest. I miss being with the childrens father as a family unit (i shouldnt as he was abusive to me and a hevay drinker and it was me who divorced him) Tonight i drove into work and had this overwhelming feeling of couples with families sat happily on the sofa living happy lives and it made me feel so so sad.

This time of year is difficult anyway. Lots of memories and triggers. wedding anniversary, anniversary of dads death, my birthday, kids birthdays plus all those traditional happy family scenes of christmas halloween bonfire night and so on. Plus the stress of knowing its all on me to do it. I am either at work or asleep (literally on my week at work thats all i can manage )

I just dont know anymore

What job makes you write 77 hours a week?

Just to re iterate ex pays maintenance. He pays the bare legal minimum he has to pay and not a penny extra but he pays it.

Eldest takes himself to and from school. Other children are not allowed to be collected by someone who isn’t an adult over the age of 18 and that’s always been the policy for that school. Older siblings from secondary are not allowed to pick up .
To clarify ex doesn’t have them overnight ever let alone an eow arrangement. He’s reasoning is he doesn’t have room where he lives. His parents don’t have room . When asked / suggested / pleaded he has them here (he used to live in this house) and he wouldn’t have to spent any time with me as I wouldn’t be here he categorically states he is not doing it , doesn’t see why he should do me any favours and it’s not his responsibility. It’s not open to debate or negotiation. He will not do it. End of

God, the MN bitches are out today!!

OP, you are doing fantastically well. If you were sat on your arse claiming benefits, MN would hate you for that too.

I'm thinking you maybe working in emergency services? I do too, any form of shift work is hard.

I agree, an Au pair sounds like maybe the best thing. She could have your room if you sleep on the sofa? Nothing is ideal, but hopefully if it's only a few years it'll be worth it. Or I would suggest consider the day shifts again, and find a childminder for the either side of school. It may be easier?

If you need a Au pair - does their father help contribute? No idea how CM works, but he should have to help pay for it as it's his kids?

@Toddlerteaplease

What job makes you write 77 hours a week?

I work a week on week off so it’s double the hours into one week and the following is a rest week

@changing35

Just to re iterate ex pays maintenance. He pays the bare legal minimum he has to pay and not a penny extra but he pays it.

Eldest takes himself to and from school. Other children are not allowed to be collected by someone who isn’t an adult over the age of 18 and that’s always been the policy for that school. Older siblings from secondary are not allowed to pick up .
To clarify ex doesn’t have them overnight ever let alone an eow arrangement. He’s reasoning is he doesn’t have room where he lives. His parents don’t have room . When asked / suggested / pleaded he has them here (he used to live in this house) and he wouldn’t have to spent any time with me as I wouldn’t be here he categorically states he is not doing it , doesn’t see why he should do me any favours and it’s not his responsibility. It’s not open to debate or negotiation. He will not do it. End of

He sounds like an absolute dick, don't ever ask him for help again. It all sounds like a mind game and a way of controlling you. I feel sorry for the kids having such an awful father. You are doing a great job trying your best for them

I’m sorry, OP - when I said EOW, I meant if you were working a weekend daytime, as you said he does have them sometimes in the day.

77 hours a week? That seems a huge number of hours to work in a week when you have 4 children and no supportive partner.

I am honestly not surprised your mum isn’t being all sweetness and light, she’s probably really fed up and doesn’t want to do this throughout her 70s, especially if she has health issues. You’re expecting her to pick up the slack from your work choices which isn’t fair. Your OP seems to be suggesting you’re also fed up as she gives you no leisure time either?!

I think sometimes nights makes things so much harder. I've just done 2 nights, day off, night shift tonight. And I struggle to sleep during the day. And a 3 year old. Everything seems much harder when you're tired.
I would 100% do days instead, then you only need to find childcare before work and those few hours after work. It'll be much cheaper and you won't have to give up your bedroom!

OP, please ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships. You’ll (hopefully) get a bit more help there.

@differentnameforthis

Wow. Al those focusing their sympathy on OP’s emotionally abusive mother really have no idea what it is like to have a toxic parent.

Well I had two toxic parents, still the over whelming sentiment I came away with after reading the OP was sympathy for the mother.

OP has dumped her entire child care responsibilities onto her 70 year old mother whilst she works 77 hours a week. The mother didn’t sound particularly toxic either, she sounded fed up of being taken advantage of. I find it pretty disgusting disgusted that OP uses her elderly mother like this and then complains about her!

OP needs to go to CSA and find proper paid for childcare, it is not good enough to say she can’t afford it, if her mother passed away she would have to afford it.

Hmm the issue with an au pair would be the rest week surely?
A older lady needing family experience sounds ideal- though I think the 15 year old should be being trained up for the bedtime responsibilities from age 16. People have their own children at that age so I can’t see it being an issue. On your rest week start helping the family become more organised and responsible for themselves in the evenings as you could go to work easily if you knew they were settling themselves and playing their part in the bedtime routine. Then no need for gran or au pair etc.

Your poor mum, aged 70 and looking after 4 children who play her up! I think you should have been nicer to your mum for your own sake (childcare). I wouldn't bother with your ex ever again. In fact I wouldnt let a father who is happy to have them taken into care, see them again. Truth is, you need to find a day time job that you can easily find childcare for. If you can't, then maybe you'll have to leave your job and claim benefits, until the children are old enough to be left home alone. It might mean leaving your home and down sizing temporarily.

I do sympathise, and you have a massive amount on your plate but at the moment the balance between your home and work just isn’t working. And this is causing a toxic situation between you and your mum, and your children which is only going to get worse. All your kids are at school and are either old enough to be at home after school for a few hours on their own afterwards or could go to an after school club. I think the only solution in the short-medium term is for you to try to get a job which is more standard hours 9-5ish, even if it means taking a sabbatical and a pay cut (and economies being made). Until then I agree you need to get your mum a bed which she likes, ideally use of a room of her own (even if it means the kids sharing on her weeks) and sort out the discipline of your kids with known consequences (one bad report= no WiFi)- this isn’t about rights and wrongs but about making life bearable for everyone. Regardless of whether she agreed to it this situation is clearly not sustainable- for example what if she was ill for example?

Really feel for you @changing35 You are doing an amazing job.
Another practical solution so that you save costs, your mum feels included (not that you should concern yourself with this - she sounds awful if I’m honest) is that your mum does half of every other week and a babysitter/mother’s help type person does the other half, or your mum does one of the weeks and the paid childcare does the other week. So in effect your mum only has one weeks responsibility per month and you’re only paying for one weeks childcare per month.

I also don’t think your job is the problem and don’t think you should leave it. Your ex husband is a disgrace, punishing you and his children. Keep your job as that’s what makes you happy, pays enough, offers security, and as you rightly say it does make childcare easier in terms of if/when children are sick/isolating.
Good luck OP, hope you find something that works (and allows you a bit of a break too).

@Florencex
Why do you think you find it ‘disgusting’? What are the issues you have that you can judge another woman for needing childcare?
How can you ignore the fact that she has escaped dv and is working to support her family?
I think you really need to look at yourself, and heal the damage from your own childhood.

@changing35
You are brilliant. .
Bringing up four children, juggling work and with no help from their selfish father.
You are one of the everyday hero Mums doing their best for their children whilst the selfish b*stard fathers contribute the bare minimum.
It's not working with your mother, though on paper it should.
Alternative choices to help out :
Au pair.
Student.
Older lady who was flexible. She won't be your martyr mum, she'd be an employee.

And I too would love to know what your job is.

@changing35 also OP ask to move this out of AIBU as you’ll get less of the unsupportive/unreasonable comments.

However difficult your mum is she’s doing a bloody amazing thing looking after 4 kids at 70.

I think it’s totally unreasonable to expect her to do so. If you find her annoying either check yourself or get alternative childcare.

The only realistic option is to move to a place with an extra bedroom to accommodate an au pair. Or to change to daytime hours.

I don’t think there is any need to go on about ‘the poor mum’.
She is n adult, with full clarity of mind. She is able to make her opinion well known. If it was such a problem for her to look after her grand children, I’m pretty sure she could just say so and say ‘I’m sorry but this doesn’t work for me anymore. You will need to find another childcare’.

And if she doesn’t and been a martyr, that isn’t the OP responsibility. The OP has checked many times with her mum if she was ok, has gone way over board to make her confortable. It’s up to her mum to decide if this is ok for her or not.

So while I appreciate 4 dcs can be hard work, as far as I am concerned, she is choosing to be that involved for 2.5 evenings a week.

[quote RickOShay]@Florencex
Why do you think you find it ‘disgusting’? What are the issues you have that you can judge another woman for needing childcare?
How can you ignore the fact that she has escaped dv and is working to support her family?
I think you really need to look at yourself, and heal the damage from your own childhood.[/quote]
Why do you need an explanation? She has lumbered an elderly woman with providing free childcare for four badly behaved children for 77 hours a week and then has the cheek to complain about it. Yes I think that is disgusting.

I have not ignored any other fact, I am commenting on the treatment of her mother. Having a horrible ex does not make it ok to take advantage of and then complain about elderly mother.

When I start a thread about my life I welcome any input, until then mind your own business. You have no idea what I have already done about my childhood.

@MsStillwell Sun
the ages of what? Well what do you think? Penguins? Wine?

You didn’t say ‘age’ confused and it looks as though you don’t know what ‘range’ means

You knew what she meant, why try and derail the thread with such pettiness. Anyone with even the most basic comprehension skills could see what she meant

OP has dumped her entire child care responsibilities onto her 70 year old mother whilst she works 77 hours a week. The mother didn’t sound particularly toxic either, she sounded fed up of being taken advantage of. I find it pretty disgusting disgusted that OP uses her elderly mother like this and then complains about her!

Have you even read the OP's posts?

OP I have a similar mother, who made my DSis's life a misery when she went to work full-time after her relationship broke down. She offered to take on childcare, and told my DSis she was selfish to even consider putting her child into childcare and that they would almost certainly be abused by someone.

She then spent the next two years bitching constantly about the strain and stress she was under, how unfair my sister was for working, and how she was taking the piss. For context, my sister had one child.

I think to enable you to continue doing the job you love, and to take this toxic element out of yours and your children's lives, I'd seriously consider an au pair. Realistically, it would probably only be for another two or three years. Whilst that might mean a second job, it will mean you're free of your DM's martyrdom.

for you. It sounds tough.

Op have you explored childminders for wraparound school care for the younger ones?

Many offer this service for older children it's not just babies and toddlers.

@Meuniere

I don’t think there is any need to go on about ‘the poor mum’. She is n adult, with full clarity of mind. She is able to make her opinion well known. If it was such a problem for her to look after her grand children, I’m pretty sure she could just say so and say ‘I’m sorry but this doesn’t work for me anymore. You will need to find another childcare’.

And if she doesn’t and been a martyr, that isn’t the OP responsibility. The OP has checked many times with her mum if she was ok, has gone way over board to make her confortable. It’s up to her mum to decide if this is ok for her or not.

So while I appreciate 4 dcs can be hard work, as far as I am concerned, she is choosing to be that involved for 2.5 evenings a week.

Disingenuous to say the least. Given OP’s situation she clearly feels obliged to do what she does. So she doesn’t really have freedom of choice.

Very often GPs don’t say no even though they don’t want to do childcare as they don’t want to let their family down.

If her mum decided ‘Sorry this doesn’t work for me’ what exactly would OP do?