Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My Mum, Missing family life as a couple, stress - long hours working nights . Need to Vent

133 replies

changing35 · 04/10/2020 01:09

This might be long so pleaes try and stick with me. Also posted here for traffic to be honest.

I am mid 30's, divroced and a single mum to 4 children. Their father sees them one day a week for around 8 hours. Never overnight. He lived with parents and then rented a room in a shared house next door to parents since we split up almost 3 years ago.

I work full time 77 hrs a week on nights. week on week off. I love my job, I feel like I am SOMEBODY at work, making a difference with my own identity. I also like to think I am pretty good at it and could progress over time.

My mum is my only childcare while I work. All discussed with her before i even applied for the job and reviewed (haha) regularly. Shes always been very highly strung and can be very unpleasant at times. I have siblings and none of them have spoken to her for year, in one case 25 years!!

Shes incredibly judgemental, if i buy something and bring it into my house she will turn her nose up, criticise and so on. She undermines my parenting in front of my children and to be honest my children dont particularly like her which is a real shame but not entirely surprising. Its got so bad that I tell her very little about me and my life as shes not a very nice person and isnt supportive on an emotional level. I actually dread going home from work on the week she stays with me and try and keep out of her way as much as possible.

For example my bed she doesnt like and she refuses to sleep in it (i dont have a spare room) so she insists on sleeping on my sofa. Shes 70 with health issues and then complains what an awful person i am having her there and not giving her a bed.

On more than one occassion I have been about to leave for work and shes said shes not looking after them anymoire, they are out of control etc etc (they do admittedly play her up alot as she rises to it and shouts and kicks off at them and they push her buttons) She knows I have no one else but insists on telling me their father will HAVE to step up. I wish he would but he wont and I cant make him.

He was furloughed in march and I asked him to look after the children at my house while I worked and he refused. He then didnt see the children for four months saying he was isolating (he doesnt have health issues of any kind) and once he started seeing them again twice inside of a month he cancelled as hes not got a girlfriend and they were goign away for the weekend instead) He knows my mother is my childcare. When he was furloughed and I requested his help with the care of his own children he told me to give my job up and look after them and when I told him (almost in tears i was so desperate and worried) that I would lose the home if i couldnt work he told me the kids would have to go into care. My mum knows all this and to be honest she plays to it to her advatnage to have me by the bollocks. I have to take her outbursts, abuse etc as she knows I need her basically.

Its got so bad I have advertised for a nanny but to be honest I really cannot afford one on what I earn. I would most likely have to take on a second job on my week off simply to cover the costs.

She also is very judgemental if I ever go out for lunch on my days off while the kids are at school with a friend. Her view is she doesnt get to go out so why should I am that I am 'taking the piss' or having a laugh.

I had one relationship after my husband but we split in July although we are in touch as friends and a couple of times hes sat with the children to allow me a break which isnt solely work (the children know him very well as he spent alot of time with us ove the past two years)

I dont really know what I am asking. I feel happy at work, i love my job but everything else is a fucking ball ache of stress and I hate my life to be honest. I miss being with the childrens father as a family unit (i shouldnt as he was abusive to me and a hevay drinker and it was me who divorced him) Tonight i drove into work and had this overwhelming feeling of couples with families sat happily on the sofa living happy lives and it made me feel so so sad.

This time of year is difficult anyway. Lots of memories and triggers. wedding anniversary, anniversary of dads death, my birthday, kids birthdays plus all those traditional happy family scenes of christmas halloween bonfire night and so on. Plus the stress of knowing its all on me to do it. I am either at work or asleep (literally on my week at work thats all i can manage )

I just dont know anymore

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/10/2020 07:28

It’s tough OP, yes your mum is doing you a favour but making life difficult and essentially throwing it your face is hardly fair.
Tbh I’d look for another job, I appreciate you love your job but it’s a lot of hassle by the sounds of it.
As for your exH- eugh there are no words, oh wait scumbag!

Solasum · 04/10/2020 07:31

I think an au pair would be the best option.

They could have one week on, one week off.

Your ex is clearly a waste of space. He will reap what he has sown down the line when the children have no interest in him whatever even when he is old and frail.

Your mother sounds difficult to say the least. I wouldn’t discuss plans with her. I would sort things out and then inform her what will be happening going forward. Make clear that she is welcome to have the children to visit at any time, perhaps even individually. 4 at once is a lot to deal with, even from a noise point of view

Minimumstandard · 04/10/2020 07:36

If you are working nights, an au pair really wouldn't have that much to do on their weeks on. Get kids dinner, make sure the younger kids go to bed and then go to bed themselves. They could also do some housework.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/10/2020 07:36

Surely this is short term and your 15yo will be 16 and able to do most of the overnights? I'd suggest paying them for any friday/Saturday nights but no reason why the school night responsibility cannot be their contribution to the household chores.

MrsRogerLima · 04/10/2020 07:36

Op, your mum doesn't get a say in your childcare arrangements. If there is another way, even if you have to pay for it, do it.

You just tell her you don't need her and don't pick her up!

The biggest issue you have here is being embroiled in FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) relating to your mother. There is a reason one of your siblings went no contact 25 years ago.

Be kind to yourself, your doing a brilliant job other posters have given some great practical advice. Sit down and work out how to make it work without your mother involved she is the main issue here 💐

Scaraffito · 04/10/2020 07:43

She won't change, if it's not working then realistically the sad truth is you need to find something that does work. A change in working hours, a nanny as you mentioned, or whatever else.

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/10/2020 07:44

I think an au pair would be a great idea if you have the space or can make space. The week on/week off would probably be quite attractive. Or, could you pay your eldest to do it once they turn 16?

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2020 07:46

Why is working nights better for you all?

If you worked days, you could have conventional childcare and not need your mum to come and stay.

speakout · 04/10/2020 07:49

I feel so sorry for your mother OP.

Your poor mum. Looking after your four rowdy children at 70 and you say she's not a very nice person. I'm surprised she doesn't just walk out and leave you to it. It's a mess, but it's your mess, not hers.

I agree.

If your mother is such a horrible person why do you want her caring for your children?

Why doesn't your OH step up and be a father?
He must have some good qualities if you chose to have so many children with him

Aridane · 04/10/2020 07:53

Oh sweetie, you don’t have a DM problem, of course you have a DH problem

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 04/10/2020 07:53

This can't be real Shock

And if it is take the poor woman bed shopping FFS. It's the least you can do.

I think this is a first. I am officially speechless.

Aridane · 04/10/2020 07:54

(father, notmDH)

Aridane · 04/10/2020 07:55

I think an au pair would be a great idea if you have the space or can make space

Oh no, don’t inflict that chaos on a poor au pair

BestZebbie · 04/10/2020 07:57

It sounds as if the trampoline should go, tbh.

Velvian · 04/10/2020 07:57

I think you need to change your job. You wouldn't need your mum at all then.

Lindtballsrock · 04/10/2020 08:01

Surely it would be better to work days and not use your mum for child care?

Stillgoings · 04/10/2020 08:09

It just doesn't sound sustainable. You are miserable, your mum is miserable (and doing far too much imo) and probably your kids are too if she's horrible with them.
I think looking for another part time job would be easier on you all.

GetUpAgain · 04/10/2020 08:09

OP you are doing amazingly even if it doesn't feel like that. Don't think everyone else is living in a Bisto family full of happiness and calm.

Your mum sounds hard work and as she doesn't drive that makes things harder all round, she's kind of trapped in your house a week at a time and has too much time to get pissed off!

I wouldn't ask my teenager to look after 3 smaller kids regularly, its too much responsibility especially when we are in a pandemic and dont know if they will sit their final exams or if each bit of homework they do matters a lot more than in normal times.

I think the after school club is a great idea and so is the au pair. If you are going to have a showdown with your mum you might as well do it sooner than later and fast forward to a happier life.

Good luck.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 04/10/2020 08:12

Your XH is a disgrace. You’re having a bad time, OP, but don’t mourn the life you had with that waster. I’m concerned that your job stops you having any kind of social life, as well as the need for overnight care. And tbh your children should not be putting extra strain on your mum. Can you persuade the 15-year-old to keep the younger ones in line?

Best of luck, OP. I hope you can find a job that makes your life easier.

Wallywobbles · 04/10/2020 08:12

I'd have thought this might suit an older student as a job but not without somewhere if their own to sleep all the time. I don't know if you could find someone one week on one week off.

In the USA this job exists for dorm rooms for example.

Original poster
changing35 · 04/10/2020 08:21

I have offered to take her bed shopping more than once as it happens. I have even offered to give up my bedroom and she can have it and I will buy a sofa bed and use that myself .

The trampoline is coming down this week as I am having some work done in the garden.

For those people suggesting I give the job up and get something else. Trust me when I say the role I do I will ALWAYS have a job . It cannot be done from home or by a machine or so on. It has not been impacted by lockdown or the impending recession at all. I am extremely fortunate I took this and didn’t go for one of the part time retail or bar jobs I looked at or myself and my family would have been in deep deep trouble .

Their father isn’t my DH. He is my ex husband. Yes he did have many redeeming qualities but when you divorce someone people change and he most certainly has. His family have no desire to do much at all and never have done really to be honest. They simply aren’t like that. About 18 months ago I was taken into hospital and was very unwell and him and his parents refused to keep my children overnight and it was an emergency situation. I had to discharge myself from hospital and they brought them back to me despite knowing I was heavily under the influence of morphine at the time.

And finally yes their father pays maintenance for them and he pays the correct amount (I have checked ) he pays up and he does bare minimum I cannot hold a gun to the mans head and force him to be an active parent

OP posts:
Coffeecak3 · 04/10/2020 08:22

Firstly I want to say you are doing an amazing job raising 4 children and working long hours.
Secondly, however grumpy she is you need your dm and she has stepped up. Do you make it clear to your dm that she's doing a good job, after all flattery is more likely to work than ignoring her?
Also presumably your dm is stuck on her own in your house during the day, is there any where she could go ? Difficult with covid, I know.
As your oldest is almost 15 I think you should incentivise him/her to help your dm a bit.
If the dc don't like your dm she will realise this, I wouldn't want to be stuck with 4 dc that ganged up on me and misbehave. If they play your dm up they should be punished accordingly and you should have your dm's back.
Why not have a good chat with your dm and the dc, you need to be a team.

Scaraffito · 04/10/2020 08:24

For those people suggesting I give the job up and get something else. Trust me when I say the role I do I will ALWAYS have a job

Well yes agreed it's not ideal, but it is an option if you don't want to carry on as is (understandable by the sound of it).

Bedroomdilemma · 04/10/2020 08:24

This sounds miserable, particularly for your mum. Sacrificing her life every other week for people who neither like nor respect her, I would go nuts over the trampoline thing. Although she does sound difficult and she shouldn’t have offered. I agree an au pair sounds like the best solution if you could find the space? I would just tell your mum, it is not her decision and this is not working for any of you.

MollyButton · 04/10/2020 08:32

I think you do need to get paid child care. If you are in a studenty area, you could advertise for one of them to provide overnight care - it could be a nice little job (few hours of "care" and plenty of time to study). Or an Au pair.
It just isn't working with your Mother - and don't let her talk you out of it, it is obviously too much for her.