My Mum, Missing family life as a couple, stress - long hours working nights . Need to Vent

[changing35]

This might be long so pleaes try and stick with me. Also posted here for traffic to be honest.

I am mid 30's, divroced and a single mum to 4 children. Their father sees them one day a week for around 8 hours. Never overnight. He lived with parents and then rented a room in a shared house next door to parents since we split up almost 3 years ago.

I work full time 77 hrs a week on nights. week on week off. I love my job, I feel like I am SOMEBODY at work, making a difference with my own identity. I also like to think I am pretty good at it and could progress over time.

My mum is my only childcare while I work. All discussed with her before i even applied for the job and reviewed (haha) regularly. Shes always been very highly strung and can be very unpleasant at times. I have siblings and none of them have spoken to her for year, in one case 25 years!!

Shes incredibly judgemental, if i buy something and bring it into my house she will turn her nose up, criticise and so on. She undermines my parenting in front of my children and to be honest my children dont particularly like her which is a real shame but not entirely surprising. Its got so bad that I tell her very little about me and my life as shes not a very nice person and isnt supportive on an emotional level. I actually dread going home from work on the week she stays with me and try and keep out of her way as much as possible.

For example my bed she doesnt like and she refuses to sleep in it (i dont have a spare room) so she insists on sleeping on my sofa. Shes 70 with health issues and then complains what an awful person i am having her there and not giving her a bed.

On more than one occassion I have been about to leave for work and shes said shes not looking after them anymoire, they are out of control etc etc (they do admittedly play her up alot as she rises to it and shouts and kicks off at them and they push her buttons) She knows I have no one else but insists on telling me their father will HAVE to step up. I wish he would but he wont and I cant make him.

He was furloughed in march and I asked him to look after the children at my house while I worked and he refused. He then didnt see the children for four months saying he was isolating (he doesnt have health issues of any kind) and once he started seeing them again twice inside of a month he cancelled as hes not got a girlfriend and they were goign away for the weekend instead) He knows my mother is my childcare. When he was furloughed and I requested his help with the care of his own children he told me to give my job up and look after them and when I told him (almost in tears i was so desperate and worried) that I would lose the home if i couldnt work he told me the kids would have to go into care. My mum knows all this and to be honest she plays to it to her advatnage to have me by the bollocks. I have to take her outbursts, abuse etc as she knows I need her basically.

Its got so bad I have advertised for a nanny but to be honest I really cannot afford one on what I earn. I would most likely have to take on a second job on my week off simply to cover the costs.

She also is very judgemental if I ever go out for lunch on my days off while the kids are at school with a friend. Her view is she doesnt get to go out so why should I am that I am 'taking the piss' or having a laugh.

I had one relationship after my husband but we split in July although we are in touch as friends and a couple of times hes sat with the children to allow me a break which isnt solely work (the children know him very well as he spent alot of time with us ove the past two years)

I dont really know what I am asking. I feel happy at work, i love my job but everything else is a fucking ball ache of stress and I hate my life to be honest. I miss being with the childrens father as a family unit (i shouldnt as he was abusive to me and a hevay drinker and it was me who divorced him) Tonight i drove into work and had this overwhelming feeling of couples with families sat happily on the sofa living happy lives and it made me feel so so sad.

This time of year is difficult anyway. Lots of memories and triggers. wedding anniversary, anniversary of dads death, my birthday, kids birthdays plus all those traditional happy family scenes of christmas halloween bonfire night and so on. Plus the stress of knowing its all on me to do it. I am either at work or asleep (literally on my week at work thats all i can manage )

I just dont know anymore

Ah OP I just wanted to say that sounds incredibly difficult. You poor thing. Hope you get something sorted

I'd get an au pair even if it meant sleeping on the sofa for a few years. Or I'd live for baked beans to pay for some sort of childcare. Your mother clearly doesnt want to do this.

It might make day shifts more viable for a while

OP, I think you sound amazing and should be so proud of yourself. You have been dealt a rubbish hand. Don't leave your job as some (clueless) people have suggested. Having a job you love is priceless and I can see why you want to hold onto that positive part of your life.

You need to un mesh yourself from your mother's grasp, she sounds toxic. Get your 15 year old involved in some babysitting, it doesn't have to be unpaid, but your kids need to muck in and step up and help you. Good luck.

@Florencex
Ok.
The op is under a huge amount of pressure, and you think it is acceptable to call her disgusting?
That is really not ok.

OP, this dies sound very hard.

Unfortunately I don’t think you have many options: make your peace with your Mum IF she really is prepared to continue, or else look for work in the day.

You haven’t got the space in your house for an overnight nanny, I agree that bringing your ex back into your house is not a good solution, even if he was willing.

What does your Mum not like about your bed? Is it worth making sure she is comfortable since she sleeps at yours half the time? Do you give her clean sheets?

She is taking on a huge job. Do you let her know how much she is appreciated?

How does she know you go for lunch with friends on your week off?

Do you ever see her to do anything nice, or only see her when she is doing your childcare?

@LadyEloise

@changing35 You are brilliant. . Bringing up four children, juggling work and with no help from their selfish father. You are one of the everyday hero Mums doing their best for their children whilst the selfish b*stard fathers contribute the bare minimum. It's not working with your mother, though on paper it should. Alternative choices to help out : Au pair. Student. Older lady who was flexible. She won't be your martyr mum, she'd be an employee.

And I too would love to know what your job is.

100% agree with this,

One should also shout out for hero GPs without whom the above would not be possible.

I haven't read all the replies but the first few are incredibly harsh! It sounds like you're doing an amazing job having been left to support your family alone. Its OK to feel down. Is there anyone else you could ask to help out, a friend or other relative? It sounds like you need a break and although it's great that your mum helps with the kids whilst you work, she doesn't seem like the best support for you. Please keep meeting up with friends for coffee/lunch/a walk whilst the kids are at school, this isn't frivolous but is really going to get you through the difficult patches. Your mum doesn't need to know what you're doing. Try and ignore her hurtful comments, take it with a pinch of salt. You've got this mama x

You both have too much on your plate! Both yourself anf your Mum at 70 years old.
I think you are doing the right things by looking into alternative childcare.
The real problem here is that their father and his family are not willing to help in any way.
Afterschool clubs will help your mum so she does not need to care for them for too long. And you may get child tax credits to cover for a chunk of it.
You will be able to claim for a nanny wages too. So check that as it could make it worthy for you all.
I suppose you have already considered this, but can't you change your working timetable to be more family friendly? Is there any changes your work place can do to allow you spending more evenings and nights with your family?
And sit down your children and seriously ask them to listen to their grandmother and behave nicely for her. She is 70!

Enjoy your break. Have some nice time with your mum once you feel better, to rekindle a bit. A0nd enjoy the time with your children

You are doing well OP but no solution where your mum has to live half her life with you is fair or workable. In your position I'd move to working days - I dont see how even an au pair would work with you sleeping in the living room.

Really surprised at some of the harsh replies - I really feel for you OP. Your mother sounds toxic - you can’t win whatever you do. Particularly illustrated by the fact your siblings are NC with her. Given this situation is driving you crazy, I would look at other options (an au pair might work well and cost less than a nanny). Your mum sulking might be better than living with the current situation - for all involved, including the kids. Sending strength x

I rink you need to sort out different childcare.

Firstly - your ex-h suggested that your children go into care rather than him look after them? That’s nothing to miss.

If you can make room for your mum to habe the bedroom, then you can make room for an au pair.
You’ve also mentioned that you think that your job has good scope for progression- would this perhaps mean better timed shifts?

Really feel for you, and do think, even if it a cost financially, trying to find childcare will really benefit you mentally. Stay strong op

You’re doing great OP in a very difficult situation. It’s obviously difficult for your dm too - she doesn’t sound like mum of the year, but guess you have very limited options so you just have to roll with it at the moment. Maybe now that your ex has a gf, he may sort out a house in the future with her, which might allow him to step up to the plate more. Just focus on getting through the next 4/5 years, and your eldest will then be old enough to pick up some of the slack with looking after his siblings when he can. Meanwhile, just come on here for a rant now and again.

You’re doing your best in a really difficult situation. I suspect your mums understandable anger at your useless ex being furloughed and not helping more, is coming out a bit.
She probably wants to help and feels she should but the reality is hard.

Basically the current arrangements aren’t working and you maybe need to rejig.
Change your hours or change your childcare.
I think this arrangement is maybe causing you more stress

Sounds like you're having a really hard time of it. I'm a single mum to one who works 70-80 hours a week with a useless ex and I know how much I've struggled with just one. Like you I rely on my Mum, have done since DC was tiny. That being said, my DD is now 11 and is needs very little ''looking after'' - makes her own lunch etc / does chores. My Mum can be challenging & critical too BUT I am so grateful for her help and I make the effort to compromise / not rise to comments so this works.. She also won't hear of anyone else doing it.

I think like others have said your older children need to step up. I was one of 4 kids and my Mum was a single parent to all intents as my Dad travelled the vast majority of time. Even when not travelling, we barely saw him. By 10/11 myself and my older brother did a lot to help Mum with younger ones age 2 & 3, gosh I was changing nappies at 5 lol. By 15 goodness I could look after them, making dinner, putting to bed, chores around the house etc. If your children lighten the load, you may find your Mum softens a bit. She's 70 and its a lot to do everything at her age. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you do need to ensure your children treat her respectfully. I would be having serious words with my DC if she behaved like this with my Mum:

With regard to what they do to annoy her. Going in the garden getting on the damn trampoline and then refusing to get off of it to come in for dinner whilst laughing at her and ignoring her is a favourite. I have spoken with them at length and asked them to keep the peace as I need to work if we want nice things, days out etc but it quickly goes out the window.

When my DD was at uni she did a sleep in job with a family, she probably wouldn't have wanted to do 7 days straight but a couple of students would probably jump at it or maybe a student doing 4 nights and your mother doing 3?

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job and as a grandmother almost the same age as your mother I think she is unreasonable. If she isn't happy she needs to sit down and discuss it with you, not make threats as you are leaving for work.

Good luck and kids grow up and it will get easier.

YANBU. I’m surprised by some of these responses. You get the kids up fed washed and out to school, put the washing on. Then pick them up from school. Get them bathed and ready and into bed / upstairs before you go to work. So what is it that your mum not happy about? She cooks their tea and then deals with any snags as far as I can see. Yes kids play up, but unless they are feral I don’t know why it’s such a huge issue???? Maybe she just can’t cope even with a small amount, after all she is 70??
As for your ex, hope you’ve got a legally binding csa or child maintenance agreement?? If not I’d get one. This could help you pay for a nanny of sorts?? Have you a niece/ nephew who would stay over or something to help you?? It doesn’t sound as though they would really have to do much other than be a presence in the home??
If all else fails, I think you need to rethink the work situation. Fair or not, the kids care comes purely down to you, so maybe you can see if your hours can be cut and work over two weeks? A job share type thing??
I think you’re worn out op. And I’d be tearing my hair out. It’s unfair on all of you, and your ex has absolutely no input here ( with good reason) although I’m sure it stings that he gets to just not give a shit and damn the consequences. I think you need to re think the job. Honestly. It’s the last thing you want, but may be the best thing for your family. 💐

You are doing an amazing job by working full time in this situation. Unfortunately, although you love your job, it isn’t the right thing for your children or your mum. Being blunt, you need different childcare and a new job.

@Imloosingmyshit I'd assume that the OP's mum is unhappy that she's living away from home 50% of the time to support her daughter whilst her useless ex does nothing. You can see that would grate.

Lots of grandparents feel that they should help their children by looking after the grandchildren. It is especially difficult when the parents work unusual hours. Even more difficult in the covid pandemic.
I noticed that no-one said anything about a 70 year old being in very frequent and close contact with 4 children who attend schools and thereby being exposed to a greater risk of infection than a non babysitting grandparent.
The OP's mum mentioned that OP met a friend for lunch. The mum likely feels that she does all the donkey work of looking after the children for a full week but perhaps does not get taken out for lunch which may be a more usual or more desired mother daughter relationship.
I am a lot younger than OP's mum. I was not looking after so many children but I did find it very tiring.
In general I want to be mother and grandmother not a childminder and perhaps OP's mum wants the same. I felt my only contact was in connection with childminding, perhaps OP's mum feels the same.

@Porcupineinwaiting oh of course. It definitely would grate.

But a decent mother would understand op can't make her ex be an involved parent and wouldn't take it out on the op would she?

I think you could offer your dd a lot less support than 50% of your time and still be considered a decent mother.

Sorry pressed post too soon.

It's not like the OP has to work nights.