My Mum, Missing family life as a couple, stress - long hours working nights . Need to Vent

[changing35]

This might be long so pleaes try and stick with me. Also posted here for traffic to be honest.

I am mid 30's, divroced and a single mum to 4 children. Their father sees them one day a week for around 8 hours. Never overnight. He lived with parents and then rented a room in a shared house next door to parents since we split up almost 3 years ago.

I work full time 77 hrs a week on nights. week on week off. I love my job, I feel like I am SOMEBODY at work, making a difference with my own identity. I also like to think I am pretty good at it and could progress over time.

My mum is my only childcare while I work. All discussed with her before i even applied for the job and reviewed (haha) regularly. Shes always been very highly strung and can be very unpleasant at times. I have siblings and none of them have spoken to her for year, in one case 25 years!!

Shes incredibly judgemental, if i buy something and bring it into my house she will turn her nose up, criticise and so on. She undermines my parenting in front of my children and to be honest my children dont particularly like her which is a real shame but not entirely surprising. Its got so bad that I tell her very little about me and my life as shes not a very nice person and isnt supportive on an emotional level. I actually dread going home from work on the week she stays with me and try and keep out of her way as much as possible.

For example my bed she doesnt like and she refuses to sleep in it (i dont have a spare room) so she insists on sleeping on my sofa. Shes 70 with health issues and then complains what an awful person i am having her there and not giving her a bed.

On more than one occassion I have been about to leave for work and shes said shes not looking after them anymoire, they are out of control etc etc (they do admittedly play her up alot as she rises to it and shouts and kicks off at them and they push her buttons) She knows I have no one else but insists on telling me their father will HAVE to step up. I wish he would but he wont and I cant make him.

He was furloughed in march and I asked him to look after the children at my house while I worked and he refused. He then didnt see the children for four months saying he was isolating (he doesnt have health issues of any kind) and once he started seeing them again twice inside of a month he cancelled as hes not got a girlfriend and they were goign away for the weekend instead) He knows my mother is my childcare. When he was furloughed and I requested his help with the care of his own children he told me to give my job up and look after them and when I told him (almost in tears i was so desperate and worried) that I would lose the home if i couldnt work he told me the kids would have to go into care. My mum knows all this and to be honest she plays to it to her advatnage to have me by the bollocks. I have to take her outbursts, abuse etc as she knows I need her basically.

Its got so bad I have advertised for a nanny but to be honest I really cannot afford one on what I earn. I would most likely have to take on a second job on my week off simply to cover the costs.

She also is very judgemental if I ever go out for lunch on my days off while the kids are at school with a friend. Her view is she doesnt get to go out so why should I am that I am 'taking the piss' or having a laugh.

I had one relationship after my husband but we split in July although we are in touch as friends and a couple of times hes sat with the children to allow me a break which isnt solely work (the children know him very well as he spent alot of time with us ove the past two years)

I dont really know what I am asking. I feel happy at work, i love my job but everything else is a fucking ball ache of stress and I hate my life to be honest. I miss being with the childrens father as a family unit (i shouldnt as he was abusive to me and a hevay drinker and it was me who divorced him) Tonight i drove into work and had this overwhelming feeling of couples with families sat happily on the sofa living happy lives and it made me feel so so sad.

This time of year is difficult anyway. Lots of memories and triggers. wedding anniversary, anniversary of dads death, my birthday, kids birthdays plus all those traditional happy family scenes of christmas halloween bonfire night and so on. Plus the stress of knowing its all on me to do it. I am either at work or asleep (literally on my week at work thats all i can manage )

I just dont know anymore

Wow, that is a tough situation you’re managing, and it sounds like you ARE managing, well done.

I think you need to switch your childcare to a paid arrangement, whether that be au pair or local person who the arrangement suits. The current arrangement isn’t really working for you, your mum or your DC.

Things will get easier over the next few years and you won’t regret hanging onto a job you love.

I am amazed that a mum who gives live in help for two weeks out of every four , at 70 and with health problems, can be considered “toxic” !!

My Mum could be a bit of a martyr, and was often critical- now she is no longer here I can see that this came from her wanting to do things for us but also wanting to be appreciated and feel loved and cared for. The criticism was her way of expressing worry. She’d had a very hard childhood herself, with tragic events and difficulties.
The main source of conflict seems to be the bed - your Mum doesn’t want to take your bed, I can understand that. Can you not move children about so that she at least has a room of her own and a bed, without you being left with the sofa ? Could you move to a larger house ?
Otherwise it is paid childcare, which would at least allow you to have an easier and less conflicted relationship with your Mum. I wonder what her parents were like, and if she had much help from them ?
Your Mum may be critical and a bit of a martyr, but she is doing a huge amount for you, yet you just seem annoyed at having to rely on her, she must love and care for you, even if she isn’t very good at expressing it. If her health gets worse then you will have to re-think this anyway, so it makes sense to address it now. Your Mum is also putting herself at risk for catching Covid , now your children are in school.

I know the sort of role you work in, OP - my DP and do the same job, i suspect. Nights work brilliantly in your situation IF you have reliable childcare, because of the rest week. I dont know how long you've been there, but could you switch to something like VR or SC (this assuming we're in the same job!!) where at least you wouldnt work weekends? You'd still have your core day problem, but that might be easier to solve. If you think we do work in the same industry, you're welcome to message me directly, and i can share some more ideas.

@Porcupineinwaiting

I think you could offer your dd a lot less support than 50% of your time and still be considered a decent mother.

Spectacularly missing the point there. Well done.

Sounds like things have been an uphill struggle for you for quite some time and I really take my hat off to you. Sometimes when we have been through tough times we can become ‘overperformers’ and although it looks like things are together, inside we are actually becoming ill with it all. So take care of yourself, you matter!

I think that you should try and find a way to remedy this where you no longer need your mothers involvement. After all, she is 70 and could become incapacitated/unwell at any time.

Also, although first thought is that your 15 yet old is almost of an age where he could provide childcare etc you also need to bare in mind not to ‘parentify’ him as this is very damaging, occasional babysitting would be alright but it shouldn’t become his responsibility to care for them. Really tricky, you have lots of peoples needs to consider and you are not superwoman! So sorry your ex has left you in this difficult situation.

We're just moving this thread over to our relationships topic.

My best friend has a mum like this - on the face of it helpful and hands-on but in reality all help comes with a lot of judgement of my friend's life choices (basically my friend gets the blame for her workaholic DH). Over the years I've seen my friend get a live in (now live out) nanny rather than rely on the DM. Her relationship with her DM is still difficult - it was before any DC arrived though. I can see your reasons for working nights, although it's not great for you physiologically in the long term. We recently hired an after school nanny from Koru Kids (they're London area only though) and everyone we saw was either student age or had grown up kids. So either age group would potentially be up for an every other week job. They all had other stuff going on in their lives - other jobs or freelancing, grandchildren, courses of study etc. The one we hired is furloughed from a retail job. Actually the friend I mentioned earlier in the post did a sleep in job when we were students, in an independent living facility for adult learning disabled people. The money was good and she rarely got woken. I think you can find someone to do this without all the angst.

Thankyou mumsnet