My Mum, Missing family life as a couple, stress - long hours working nights . Need to Vent

[changing35]

This might be long so pleaes try and stick with me. Also posted here for traffic to be honest.

I am mid 30's, divroced and a single mum to 4 children. Their father sees them one day a week for around 8 hours. Never overnight. He lived with parents and then rented a room in a shared house next door to parents since we split up almost 3 years ago.

I work full time 77 hrs a week on nights. week on week off. I love my job, I feel like I am SOMEBODY at work, making a difference with my own identity. I also like to think I am pretty good at it and could progress over time.

My mum is my only childcare while I work. All discussed with her before i even applied for the job and reviewed (haha) regularly. Shes always been very highly strung and can be very unpleasant at times. I have siblings and none of them have spoken to her for year, in one case 25 years!!

Shes incredibly judgemental, if i buy something and bring it into my house she will turn her nose up, criticise and so on. She undermines my parenting in front of my children and to be honest my children dont particularly like her which is a real shame but not entirely surprising. Its got so bad that I tell her very little about me and my life as shes not a very nice person and isnt supportive on an emotional level. I actually dread going home from work on the week she stays with me and try and keep out of her way as much as possible.

For example my bed she doesnt like and she refuses to sleep in it (i dont have a spare room) so she insists on sleeping on my sofa. Shes 70 with health issues and then complains what an awful person i am having her there and not giving her a bed.

On more than one occassion I have been about to leave for work and shes said shes not looking after them anymoire, they are out of control etc etc (they do admittedly play her up alot as she rises to it and shouts and kicks off at them and they push her buttons) She knows I have no one else but insists on telling me their father will HAVE to step up. I wish he would but he wont and I cant make him.

He was furloughed in march and I asked him to look after the children at my house while I worked and he refused. He then didnt see the children for four months saying he was isolating (he doesnt have health issues of any kind) and once he started seeing them again twice inside of a month he cancelled as hes not got a girlfriend and they were goign away for the weekend instead) He knows my mother is my childcare. When he was furloughed and I requested his help with the care of his own children he told me to give my job up and look after them and when I told him (almost in tears i was so desperate and worried) that I would lose the home if i couldnt work he told me the kids would have to go into care. My mum knows all this and to be honest she plays to it to her advatnage to have me by the bollocks. I have to take her outbursts, abuse etc as she knows I need her basically.

Its got so bad I have advertised for a nanny but to be honest I really cannot afford one on what I earn. I would most likely have to take on a second job on my week off simply to cover the costs.

She also is very judgemental if I ever go out for lunch on my days off while the kids are at school with a friend. Her view is she doesnt get to go out so why should I am that I am 'taking the piss' or having a laugh.

I had one relationship after my husband but we split in July although we are in touch as friends and a couple of times hes sat with the children to allow me a break which isnt solely work (the children know him very well as he spent alot of time with us ove the past two years)

I dont really know what I am asking. I feel happy at work, i love my job but everything else is a fucking ball ache of stress and I hate my life to be honest. I miss being with the childrens father as a family unit (i shouldnt as he was abusive to me and a hevay drinker and it was me who divorced him) Tonight i drove into work and had this overwhelming feeling of couples with families sat happily on the sofa living happy lives and it made me feel so so sad.

This time of year is difficult anyway. Lots of memories and triggers. wedding anniversary, anniversary of dads death, my birthday, kids birthdays plus all those traditional happy family scenes of christmas halloween bonfire night and so on. Plus the stress of knowing its all on me to do it. I am either at work or asleep (literally on my week at work thats all i can manage )

I just dont know anymore

Wouldn’t working days solve all your problems, though, OP?

I didn’t say I didn’t like her. What I said was she can be very highly strung and difficult to have a rational conversation with.

My eldest son is very polite and well behaved and does help out. As I say I do absolutely everything possible in terms of having everything ready school runs breakfast housework and so on so she doesn’t have to come here and run my house.

When she is at home in her own house she doesn’t go out other than to do a grocery shop once a fortnight however I appreciate that is her choice and she is in the comfort of her own surroundings. She complained she doesn’t like my bath so I had a shower fitted . I have tried I really have.

Take this morning I have come home I am staying up until the children are collected to go out with their dad. Been getting their clothes out ready for the day and she’s laying on the sofa shouting at me saying she can get their clothes ready why am I interfering what’s the point in her being here if I take over and so on .

After tomorrow I have my rest week and several weeks of leave coming up and I have booked it deliberately to co incide with now so that she and the rest of us can have an extended break from each other for a bit and I can try and get a plan in place.

She is not hated nor unappreciated I regularly buy her flowers or chocolates or treat her to something I think she will like as my way of thanks or one of the days a week I take her out in the car for lunch.

I am not this completely vile selfish daughter

I have 4 children and a 71 year old mother. I have a good relationship with my mother but she is controlling and opinionated and if she came over 1 week on and off I think she would be similar to your mum, as in she feels obliged to help but doesn’t actually want to or wouldn’t actually enjoy it and would subconsciously make things really difficult for me/blame me etc and it would all be very difficult. It sounds like you do most of the after school work anyway in terms of dinners etc. and you just need an adult sleeping there. So you have the option of 1) au pair which is cheap or 2) long chat with your mother to make things better/easier for her - I think it would also be good to put a timeline on this eg agree you will do this for another 1 year max etc. At the moment it would be hard for a foreign au pair due to Covid restrictions, just not enough going on for them unless you can find one who is just very keen to learn English as being around 4 kids especially the 15 year old would really help with that. And of course a 7,8 and 9 year old together can wind a 70 year old up, especially in the evenings during witching hours that is totally normal, even if they are lovely kids. But I think in this whole situation your mum is your supporter and your ex is the big problem and it is important to remember that and make your mum feel valued.

To answer working days. The core day is 07.30-18.30 the shift pattern can fall anywhere in this time and it would be 5/7 days. Breakfast club doesn’t open til 07.30 and closes at 18.00 . And as with covid I had one of my children home for two weeks the week before last having to self isolate. At least during the day I was here to be with him and do his home schooling. If I was on days I would have been fucked to be absolutely blunt

So. What is your job? Cos all the issues stem from it and your work pattern.

It’s a shame you didn’t foresee wanting to have such a job because then perhaps you’d have had 3-4 less children.

An au pair is out of the question isnt it? You have no space for one.
TBH your DC sound quite disrespectful and you should have taken the trampoline down when it became a problem to your DM, not because you are "having some work done in the garden".
If you can afford to pay a nanny, then you can clearly afford to show your appreciation to your mum, how do you do this? Do you give her gifts? Flowers? Etc. Or do you just expect her to be happy with "thanks".
Finally, are you quite sure that the DC prefer "nice days out" to a stable home life? You clearly love your very mysterious job, (are we talking M15 here ) but come on, is it really worth making 6 people miserable for the majority of the time, just to pay for treats and days out?

If I was your DM I'd be on the first train to as far away as possible.

God you're going to be so beholden.

The au pair and Afterschool club is the best idea I think for the short term. I don't think it is fair to leave your 15 year old to deal with it when they become 16.(I know you don't want this anyway) A few nights for emergencies sure but not an ongoing measure.

Your DM is not coping very well and this may be because she is abusive/short tempered/tired. Only you know your DM. You don't need her permission and she doesn't get to make the final decision.

I am not sure nights will work long term. Your children have a neglectful father, have been through a divorce, have been a party to an abusive relationship and now have your DM to contend with. Children from this type of environment are more suspectable to becoming wayward with that type of activity taking place at night. I don't think you working at night will work but you can see how the children go, they may all be fine.

My god I really feel for you. It sounds unimaginably hard bringing up 4 kids and working full time with nobody who genuinely has your back. It sounds like you have swapped one abusive and unpleasant relationship with another. Your mum is the source of all your stress, take this period of leave to work out how you can find a childcare solution that doesn't involve her. I really hope you can work something out because this situation sounds untenable.

@MrsRogerLima

Op, your mum doesn't get a say in your childcare arrangements. If there is another way, even if you have to pay for it, do it.

You just tell her you don't need her and don't pick her up!

The biggest issue you have here is being embroiled in FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) relating to your mother. There is a reason one of your siblings went no contact 25 years ago.

Be kind to yourself, your doing a brilliant job other posters have given some great practical advice. Sit down and work out how to make it work without your mother involved she is the main issue here 💐

This.

You hold all the cards here. I too think an au pair could be a good fit.

Alternatively, have you considered approaching a reputable nursery, or college that includes child care qualifications. The duties of this person are really quite light weight. Make a tea for kids. Send up to bed. Sit & either study or watch TV. Every other week. Minimal disruption to social life. Minimal interference with their own job(s). Good experience for caring for older children.

Your mum is still abusing you.
Next time it's your week off, explore options & cost them out. Don't tell Mum you're doing it.

I hope to high heaven you're getting CS from your waste of space ex. If you're not, start the claim process. That money could help you pay childcare.

Do not quit your job - that won't actually solve anything. It's not the problem here.

No bewildered what I didn’t foresee was whilst I was in the middle of the recruitment process my husband at the time would come home and try and kill me and there and then I would make the decision to end the marriage , split up and instigate divorce proceedings followed by him stalking me and having to have a non mol put in place . My crystal ball needed charging that day. See my husband who was older was going to go part time at work and I was going to go to work and start to establish a career for myself now my children aren’t babies. But one night changed all our lives

Is it worth advertising at colleges/universities for overnight childcare? A few different people so they can swap and cover for each other. TBH in the current climate there may be plenty of people happy to do this 2-4 nights every other week.

I would get a sofa bed in the lounge for the overnight babysitter as they will only be staying the night. Or depending on your house layout it may be appropriate for them to sleep in your bed and get them to change the bedding in the morning.

Ignore your mothers martyrdom and sort out some working childcare that works. If you are paying for childcare then you won't need after school club anymore.

It sounds as if your mother likes to be difficult. I get how annoying it can be as I have a mother like this. Apparently the brand new spare bed mattress in my house wasn’t / isn’t ok for my mother. The old one that I dumped, fine, no issues. She told me several years later and too late to change my house around, so tough.

As for the shouting this morning. She sounds really stressed and feels criticised as though she should have done it, not you. She sees you are really stressed. It isn’t personal.

How many bedrooms do you have? What about asking one or two of your dcs to move the nights when your mother is around so she sleeps in their bed? Not all the mattresses can be awful. Or putting a second single bed in your room? Possibly won’t fit - if you made it a storage bed, it could perhaps replace a chest of drawers.

I think you are doing an amazing job, I don't think you could do anymore to make life easier for your mum when she looks after the children, and I think working nights is a better option than days for your mum as it's easier during school holidays as she doesn't have to entertain them during the day. It seems like for now you need your mums help but remember it won't be forever, don't let her comments get to you. You sound hardworking and are doing your best.

It is so clear on here from the responses who has experience of toxic family relationships and who doesn't.

Please try to imagine living in the op's shoes before you post.

Her mum is not supportive, she begrudges helping the op but insists no-one else be allowed. Has a quality bed to sleep in (her at night, op in the day) but chooses to complain about it and is critical of the op and her parenting decisions.

It's controlling, emotionally manipulative behaviour. She knows that op is heavily reliant on her and uses this to beat her with.

I'm glad most of you clearly don't have these issues with any of your family member/s but not everyone's family is supportive and kind. Please remember this before deriding the op.

@changing35 you don't need to defend yourself. I understand as do many others what it's like to have someone who works against you all the time. But you do need to try to think of solutions that don't involve your mum and that might mean going back to days for a few years. It's clear you don't want to do this but needs must and you will be back in control of your own life.

I have already advertised and began to draw a short list of people to have a face to face meeting with on my time off I haven’t breathed a word of it to her. My intention is to get a plan in place sorted out and tell her once it’s sorted. And it will be from the perspective that I feel it’s too much for her to commit to .

I didn’t say my job was for luxuries and treats what I meant is after all the bills are paid by working we are that little bit more comfortable . I have also scaled and cut back in as many ways as possible in order to facilitate paying someone for childcare. There were a couple of ladies in their early twenties who are studying or have worked in a nursery and are looking to gain experience with a family. I am more than prepared to give my bedroom up and me sleep and live out of my lounge in order to have an au pair if it’s the right fit. As I say my mum has been offered my room which I only decorated 4 months ago with me even changing the bed etc and she doesn’t want it.

I think if you only need overnight care it might be worth looking into an au pair, it might be worth juggling things around for 3 years or so until the youngest is ok to be left alone for a while. Sofa bed in the living room for night times and you could sleep in one of the kids beds in the day? Not ideal but its cheaper than a nanny and ideal for when you only need a few hours actual care a day.

@changing35

To answer working days. The core day is 07.30-18.30 the shift pattern can fall anywhere in this time and it would be 5/7 days. Breakfast club doesn’t open til 07.30 and closes at 18.00 . And as with covid I had one of my children home for two weeks the week before last having to self isolate. At least during the day I was here to be with him and do his home schooling. If I was on days I would have been fucked to be absolutely blunt

Covid is making everyone’s life difficult right now. But in general, nights & shifts is your issue. Otherwise you’re just a normal working parent who needs regular childcare, which is easier to arrange on days. Weekend shifts would be an issue I guess but if their dad has them EOW it should be doable.

You’ve got 4+ years before your kids can get themselves to and back from school alone (presuming you’re walking distance or public transport distance from their school). Can you realistically do 4+ years of au pairs or your mother?

15 year old could presumably pick up from after school club for you? Your mum could stay just one night or so if you had an early morning shift, rather than all week.

Obviously your issue is that your mum is difficult- but you can’t ‘fix’ that any other way than either sucking it up, demoting her for paid help (au pair), or needing less help (change from nights).

Ive got 4 kids and work as the family breadwinner and evening with helpful parents and a husband it’s absolutely exhausting and stressful so please remember how wonderful you are doing this as you are. Well done, you are amazing. I wouldn’t give up my job either, it gives me my sanity. I can’t offer any practical tips on what have already been offered, but you will get through this and the relationship you have with your kids will be so strong because of it xxx

Pa

Great, you've got a good plan for finding help and you are also getting a break from your mum.

TBH I'd go NC with your mum and your ExDH. They both revel in holding things over you and making your life as difficult as possible. I say this both for your mental health and your DC. They don't like her. Don't expose them to her anymore.

She has done you a favour, yes, but she has used it to abuse you. That has to end. It's not up to her. You don't owe her anything by stopping her looking after your kids. She's always moaning about it.

You can say, look you appreciate everything she's done, and you've taken on board all her comments. So you are hiring someone for the job. If she continues to abuse you, then NC / grey rock is the way.

First of all well done. I’m a single mum and have 2 jobs but I’m lucky with childcare and an ex that does have his son. I do think though that you should have an exit strategy here to ease your mum out of your life.

The routine will change as the kids get older so this won’t last forever. And she sounds like hard fucking work tbh! I am very low contact with my parents but they adore my little boy and I have no worries about them looking after him; however its so stressful having a fraught relationship with the people looking after your kids. I would look to change jobs and take your ex to court for a hefty lump of maintenance.

It sounds like you’re asking too much of your mum. You have made a lifestyle choice that expects her to change hers and pick up all the slack.

I think you need to release her of this so she isn’t having to live at your house half the time. I’d be looking at changing jobs to a more conventional working pattern.

@katy1213

Your poor mum. Looking after your four rowdy children at 70 and you say she's not a very nice person. I'm surprised she doesn't just walk out and leave you to it. It's a mess, but it's your mess, not hers.

The OP said that her mother had offered the help before she took the job so this is an unkind comment! Maybe the OP needs to put some sanctions in place with her children if they are so badly behaved for their grandmother, I know that my 4 dread the thought that I would tell their parents about any misbehaviour when they stay.