What should I do? Please help. Avoidant attachment and working towards a future

[realist252]

I posted before about how I was worried that my bf of 18 months might not want to work towards having a future together because we only spent one night in the evening together and one night at the weekend together and it really should be more than that by this stage in the relationship.

I was very anxious about having the conversation with him as he is avoidant due to childhood issues (his mum is a bully and even today will go for months without speaking to him if he has displeased her). However, I gave him notice that I wanted to talk about the future with him so he could get used to/prepare for the idea and not be caught off guard, and he agreed that he wants to work towards a future and settling down with and having a family me so we agreed to increase the time we spend together to one night in the week and 2 nights and 1 day at the weekend as a start, not necessarily spending every moment of the time together, but just getting used to being in each other's space.

The first weekend of the new pattern was last weekend and it went really well, he said what a lovely time we'd had. However, this week he seems to have got cold feet. We planned to do Saturday evening and Sunday day and night this weekend because I am visiting family friends who live far away on Saturday during the day but he twice suggested that I just come to see him on Sunday because it would be 'a lot of driving' (which it would, but it seems to me that this could be him backtracking). I said no and he seemed fine with the original plan.

Then today he messaged to ask if I wanted to go to his friends' for dinner on Saturday. I said it would be lovely but that I wouldn't be back from my family friends' in time. He interpreted this as meaning that he couldn't go, which is not what I said at all - I am actually happy for him to go on his own - and it resulted in an argument. Due to his upbringing, he moves on from arguments as soon as they are over whereas I tend to get upset and dwell, hence why I am up at this time writing this post!

I think his reaction is an illustration of his fear that spending more time together/committing would threaten his independence and space (as an avoidant he is very protective of this).

Is this a lost cause? Should I cut my losses now or should I stick around and demonstrate that commitment doesn't mean that I will want to spend 24/7 with him and that he can still be his own person and do his own thing in the hope that he will realise that commitment doesn't mean sacrificing his identity and independence?

We have had our issues over the 18 months but we have worked to overcome them and really understand each other and each other's needs and communication styles. The relationship is great in so many other ways but I am 30 now (he is 32) and part of me thinks I should just go and find a man willing to commit to a future with me rather than working so hard to meet my boyfriend's needs to make him feel comfortable. But then I could find a man willing to commit who isn't as funny/affectionate/intelligent/fun/sociable/ (all things that are important to me) as my boyfriend is and that's not what I want either.

I truly would be devastated to end things, but better to be devastated now 18 months in rather than 3 years down the line when he still can't commit? (he has committed verbally but his recent attempt to backtrack and his reaction to me not being able to go to his friends' for dinner suggests to me that whilst he may think he wants to commit, he is actually afraid/unable to)

It's still early days in terms of the new pattern of seeing each other - this is only the second weekend of it - so I understand there will be an adjustment period for both of us and, as he is avoidant, he is naturally going to pull back initially. But how much allowance should I make? Do I give it time? Or write it off?

It might be just me, but if I was involved with someone and wanted to be with him in a relationship I would be wanting him all the time and surely he would feel the same or what is the point ?

Bless you op. You sound so tired.

It's really not meant to be this difficult. You know that, don't you? Relationships are supposed to be easy and lovely and to add to your life, not drain you.

@Anordinarymum

It might be just me, but if I was involved with someone and wanted to be with him in a relationship I would be wanting him all the time and surely he would feel the same or what is the point ?

But because he is avoidant he needs his space and independence. I am not avoidant but I also enjoy my own time away from him but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the time we spend together

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Bless you op. You sound so tired.

It's really not meant to be this difficult. You know that, don't you? Relationships are supposed to be easy and lovely and to add to your life, not drain you.

I really am tired. So, so tired.

He does add to my life in many ways - we do enjoyable activities together, he is always making me laugh, we have interesting conversations - but it is this avoidance/commitment thing that is really draining me at the moment and I just don't know what to do. If it was all difficult I would have left long ago

and because I am anxious I am also left wondering whether i am making a big deal out of nothing?

Fuck's sake, op, it shouldn't be this hard. A healthy relationship is not what you have. Dump and move on.

@Aquamarine1029 it’s realist252 under another username - I can’t seem to change it on my phone.

It only seems to have got hard this week. The past few months have been really good as we have grown closer and really started to understand each other.

I just think that it’s not black and white and even if I find someone else they will come with their own issues/baggage. But I suppose the question is to what extent do I put up with my boyfriend’s avoidant nature - which he does try to work on eg has become a lot better at being able to open up and be vulnerable with me recently - and how do I know when to throw in the towel?

I trusted him when he said he wanted a future with me and we are only the second week into the new plan of seeing each other more. I can’t tell whether I am focusing too much on little things (I have a tendency to self sabotage and blow small things out of all of proportion because I am constantly on the lookout for signs that I might get hurt - a legacy of witnessing my parents’ failed marriage) or whether I am right to be concerned. If I am right to be concerned, should I act now or give it time to make sure?

He is still on board with doing the extra day at the weekend after all, so he is trying...

Why have you labeled him as avoidant?

Is this an understanding that came from him knowing himself? Or from you trying to diagnose your relationship issues?

It strikes me as all a bit odd. I'd hate to be in a relationship where normal ordinary interactions like can you make my friend's dinner end up being analysed as being related to my childhood....

@WindowsSmindows it’s from observations of his behaviour where he has time and again fitted the avoidant patterns of behaviour. Do you have anything constructive to add or any other explanation for why he reacted in the way he did to the dinner thing?

I’m not sure in this instance, from what you describe, he has done anything that bad - you are obviously tired and upset about the row. It’s hard to be with someone who just shuts off after an argument, if you are not like that.

I would, however, be wary of pursuing a relationship with an avoidant man, having been there and still got the emotional scars myself. For me it became quite soul-destroying having to contort myself to try and meet his needs and not scare him off. (He was also a twat in other ways tho - tho also, like yours, clever and fun etc, which was why i pursued it so hard.....)

I am now very very early into seeing a new guy, and it is a revelation, not having to hold myself back or constantly worry that I am over facing him - he likes me just as I am and wants to see me when we can! And in fact, I think I sometimes can come across as the avoidant one now, because of my conditioning with the last bloke. Don’t end up like me! You are so young - so much lovely time ahead of you - don’t waste it! Good luck. X

@WindowsSmindows or for his reluctance to continue with the new arrangement this weekend despite initially being keen for it?

@tinyvulture thank you. What was it that made you leave in the end? It has take some time but I don’t really feel that I need to hold back anymore. I am able to be clear with him about what I want from the relationship and I am able to be emotional around him and ask for his support when
I’m upset etc as well as express when I’m
not happy about something

Anxious/avoidant is the worst combination and you really are in for a world of pain. You’re having to tie yourself in knots to meet his needs. It’s not great!

How are you ever going to get to the point of living together or having kids

What does he do all the rest of the time?

18 months in and you’re just at the point of negotiating an extra day together at the weekend? How long will it take before he’s happy to move in with you? Have children (if that’s what you both want)?
It sounds like hard work. Too much like hard work. It shouldn’t be this hard.

So basically this relationship is 'all about him and his issues' ? All nicely wrapped up in armchair psychology to excuse behaviour most women wouldn't put up with for 18 days let alone 18 months.

You say 'avoidant' just another word for an old fashioned commitment phobe.. in most cases because they are keeping there options open..

Just because you had a shit childhood/shit parent - doesn't give you a free pass to behave poorly. He may or may not have mental health consequences from difficult upbringing, in which case he needs to see a specialist trained in psychiatric diagnoses.. however no matter what he has or doesn't have - does not prevent him from being a twat. They are not mutually exclusive.

That said - bloody hell you sound like you over analyse every little move. Just try and chill out a bit. Stop thinking about what you are going to say before you say it.. just say it fgs. Instead of wondering how , what you are going to say will be received.. it's all just so contrived.

Just be you. Say what you want and if he doesn't like it he can tell you - if it turns out that you don't like his reaction to ' you being you' then leave.

‘Avoidant’ or not, if he really, genuinely wanted to spend more time with you then he would.

@MynamarisBurma

So basically this relationship is 'all about him and his issues' ? All nicely wrapped up in armchair psychology to excuse behaviour most women wouldn't put up with for 18 days let alone 18 months.

You say 'avoidant' just another word for an old fashioned commitment phobe.. in most cases because they are keeping there options open..

Just because you had a shit childhood/shit parent - doesn't give you a free pass to behave poorly. He may or may not have mental health consequences from difficult upbringing, in which case he needs to see a specialist trained in psychiatric diagnoses.. however no matter what he has or doesn't have - does not prevent him from being a twat. They are not mutually exclusive.

That said - bloody hell you sound like you over analyse every little move. Just try and chill out a bit. Stop thinking about what you are going to say before you say it.. just say it fgs. Instead of wondering how , what you are going to say will be received.. it's all just so contrived.

Just be you. Say what you want and if he doesn't like it he can tell you - if it turns out that you don't like his reaction to ' you being you' then leave.

This.

What @MynamarisBurma said. Honestly, OP, drop the armchair psychology, and just look at how many times you say ‘work’ and ‘worked’. It’s as though he’s a monumental, generally unrewarding task, and you feel your ‘job’ is to bustle around trying to sort it out, bit by bit, while he just gets to sit there being ‘avoidant’ with ‘his childhood’ as an automatic alibi for uncommitted behaviour. It sounds to me as if you’re mostly still in it because of the sunk cost fallacy. And the misunderstanding and row about not getting to the friends’ dinner is the kind of thing that might happen between people in a brand-new relationship, not people who’ve been together a year and a half.

I know someone who had to cajole her long-distance partner into living together after nine years of him being happy with a weekly date, then cajole him into a house purchase, marriage, children — she worked herself into the ground, because she also thought he was funny, affectionate, clever etc. And she thought the relationship could be ‘made to work.’ He eventually left her with their two children because ‘I’m living the life you wanted.’

I dont think he was trying to avoid an extra evening with you, i thought it sounded mindful of you and the amount of driving you had to do.

If i drove a long distance to visit people and came back the same day I'd want to just go home to bed rather than go to my boyfriends and have to be all chatty and nice.

As for the argument it sounds like crossed wires rather than him avoiding an extra night with you.

Personally i think the extra day in the week and the extra time at weekends all in one go is a huge change from what you had.
If he is really avoidant i would have increased either the weekday or the weekend first and then a month or so later done the other.

I couldn’t put up with it, I’d feel like I was pandering to him all the time. It’ll be like this with everything you do. Buying a house together, having children, going on holiday.
I’d find it exhausting and I’d lay it all out for him and if he didn’t change I’d have to walk away. None of this working towards seeing each other more, an extra few hours, an extra day of coaxing him to be in my company, bargaining extra time. You can do much better, be around someone who loves you and wants to be with you. It shouldn’t be this hard.
He likes having you around, I’m sure he does as it’s company on his terms only. I guarantee you’ll be asking the same question in five years time.

Just saw your message to me earlier OP (Sorry, fell asleep). I finally left my avoidant man when he threw me out the day we were meant to be moving to a new place together. He had ended things a few times previously, always when he felt the bite of commitment too much, and I had always gone back to him. This last time I have stood firm, even tho months and months down the line he still sometimes asks me to back to him. (I find men like this also never know what they’ve got till it’s gone).

Yours doesn’t sound nearly as bad as mine. I just worry at all the contortions you are having to do, and the boundary setting about when to see each other. My ex was a great boundary setter, and I always felt I was negotiating for a little bit more land...... It’s soul-destroying over time.

Realist252 again here. Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

We discussed it this weekend and he said it is just a period of adjustment for him - he moved out of home and bought his own flat at the age of 21 to get away from his mother as they were not getting on and she was controlling and highly critical. He has never had flatmates/housemates and so has lived alone for 11 years, doing whatever he wants whenever he wants and not having to consider another person etc, whereas his friends have had girlfriends living with them asap and seen many coming and going over the years.

He said he does want a future with me and that he does want to give us a chance, but that there will be a period of him having to get used to us being around each other more. It's not that he doesn't want it, it's just that it takes him time to adjust to change.

An example of this is when he got new curtains - I asked if he liked them once they had been put up and his response was 'I don't know yet' - it takes him time to adjust to changes. Now he's had them a while he likes them but the initial change was a bit much for him. Does that make sense? So in the same way, it may take him time to adjust to this change in the relationship.

Not sure how I feel about this. Obviously in a fairytale he would want to be around me all the time etc but this is real life and not so simple. Wondering what others think? I am planning on giving it 3 months to see how he adjusts.

Do you want DCs OP ? If so then please just walk away. I was married within 18 months of meeting my boyfriend in my early 30s.