Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

With a 20 year age gap in the western countries you have a 95% chance of the relationship failing. This is not a level of probability I would stake my happiness on.

I think this will just create issues for you and pain later on. I realise the temptation must be very strong and is appealing to the vanity of a someone of your age (I am 37 year recently single male so similar age).

Statistically if you want a relationship to have a good chance of lasting, aside from finding physical and mental compatibility you should target someone who is not more than 7 years difference to your own age.

@Whatwouldscullydo

Not laughing at you at all. Quite the opposite in fact.

Most of us have been the woman in this situation. At 21 id have been all "aw look at Catherine zeta Jones" too.

But the reality is always far different

I'm happy to be corrected by others here but honestly , they all have exemplary track records and aren't into flings and one night stands. They all have "psycho" ex wives or wives that don't understavd them or wives who are serial cheats. They all just wanna see the kids more. They all dont want to pressure you in to doing anything ajd they all just say " its complicated/ or we are in the middle of" the divorce. Often they are still married or living together cos its so " complicated"

You may well be genuine. But you tick may of the cliché boxes we were all were warned about by our friends back then. And no we didnt listen.

Honestly if you are genuine and you do care about her. Just don't.

You must be reading a diffrent thread and posted in the wrong place because I haven't said even half of that. I have talked about my kids to this young women. Just normal conversation that I have told others at work about. I haven't told her anything about my ex wife. I haven't told anyone at work why we split up so she has no way of knowing. She also hasn't asked. For the record my ex wife and I were togther for 15 years . For the poster who mentioned the fact that we work in the same job role "says a lot" it in fact tell you nothing. It doesn't tell you that I'm a qualified outdoor learning instructor. Who found all their work dry up over night because of covid. It doesn't tell you that I took a job working in the care industry at far below what I use to make just so I wouldn't have to spend every day on my own in my house. People are welcome to have a pop at me for what I have said. But not what I haven't.
Lots of women complain that these no decent men around. Well maybe there are , maybe just loads of stuff has been invented about them which is in no way true ! Maybe stop imagining things and concentrate on the info that you do know. Feel free to have a go at me. I expected it but not for anything that's not true about me.

I think it’s an uncomfortable truth for many because a lot of women in their middle age find it quite difficult to see men their own age looking to younger women.

But the women themselves will likely be sneaking a peek at fit younger men too. You may not agree yourself, but from a purely physical pov, youth is more attractive in both sexes. That's why male sex symbols - the likes of Chris Hemsworth or Aidan Turner - are generally young and fit, not middle aged and pot bellied.

And maybe I’m unusual but I often found older men really attractive when I was younger. And I don’t really fancy young guys now I’m in my thirties. Give me a greying head and a dad bod any day, honestly much sexier than a toned twenty something to me.

That's great, but most attractive young women don't share your love of flabby, balding middle aged dads. Can't imagine why.

For the record, Emmanuel Macron is 24 years younger than his wife (and he's the celebrity), Jason Mamoa is much more famous than his wife who is 12 years older than him, Ryan Gosling is more famous than his older wife Eva, Roger Moore was 12 years younger than his second wife, Hugh Jackson is far more famous than Debora-Lee Furness (13 years difference there). But, of course, celebrities don't count - only "real people" count.

how will he feel if they start being pursued by 40+ year old men is a valid question under the circumstances. If he thinks it's inappropriate and he'll hate it, then he has his answer.

Sometimes in life, though, we can have an instant visceral reaction to a situation, especially if we don't have personal experience of it, which later on seems ridiculous once we have got to know the nitty gritty details and people involved. People should try being open-minded. I already said I would not like the thought that my sons might enter a relationshp with a a 21 year old with a child, for various reasons. But, if I got to know her and the circumstances, and their relationship, my feelings might well change. I would obviously try and not to show my initial concern, for everyone's sake. It's all about how happy people are.

Few questions:

• how would you feel like if your daughter fell for a guy who is 40 and with 2 teen daughters?? When she is 21?

• how would you feel if your ex, started dating and brought home a man who is 21 years old ?

• how would you feel like if your mum and dad split up and your mum hooked up with someone your generation ?

I’m not trying to guilt trip you buttttt... you asked and here is the answer.

If you choose to listen to biology only then go ahead. But ur responsibility towards your daughters should be much more than this.

Just picture and lovely and nice happy family you could all be if you involve and include them in your choice of the next partner!

How do you feel about flirting with a 60 year old?

Ears not eyes
Though you did make me cry

@CurlyhairedAssassin

how will he feel if they start being pursued by 40+ year old men is a valid question under the circumstances. If he thinks it's inappropriate and he'll hate it, then he has his answer.

Sometimes in life, though, we can have an instant visceral reaction to a situation, especially if we don't have personal experience of it, which later on seems ridiculous once we have got to know the nitty gritty details and people involved. People should try being open-minded. I already said I would not like the thought that my sons might enter a relationshp with a a 21 year old with a child, for various reasons. But, if I got to know her and the circumstances, and their relationship, my feelings might well change. I would obviously try and not to show my initial concern, for everyone's sake. It's all about how happy people are.

Completely this. Also, a lot of parents hate ANYONE their child dates - they don't like to lose control. When DH and I met, MIL absolutely hit the roof, told FIL and SFIL to sit him down and tell him to break up with me. I was the dangerous older woman leading him astray. I am four months older than he is and we were in the same year at school.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Funny how men rarely feel these soulful connections to women 19 years older than them (not saying it never happens - just not very often in comparison).

Yes, quite!

Going for a girl you're old enough to have fathered is ALL about creepy superficial lust/feeling insecure about your own age... it's funny how some try to make out it's something much deeper than that.

How do you think your Daughter will feel when they discover their Father is with a woman who is only 9 years older than them and that she has a child ?
With a 2 year old be very careful she is not just looking for Father no2

Just normal conversation that I have told others at work about. I haven't told her anything about my ex wife. I haven't told anyone at work why we split up so she has no way of knowing. She also hasn't asked. For the record my ex wife and I were togther for 15 years

So if you were in a relationship literally none of that would come up?

It wouldn't add to the list of cliches already there.

An older man
Flirting with a 21 yr old already up there on the cliché list.

and you wouldn't add the divorce, track record, and any details about your wife etc?

@IcedPurple

I think it’s an uncomfortable truth for many because a lot of women in their middle age find it quite difficult to see men their own age looking to younger women.

But the women themselves will likely be sneaking a peek at fit younger men too. You may not agree yourself, but from a purely physical pov, youth is more attractive in both sexes. That's why male sex symbols - the likes of Chris Hemsworth or Aidan Turner - are generally young and fit, not middle aged and pot bellied.

And maybe I’m unusual but I often found older men really attractive when I was younger. And I don’t really fancy young guys now I’m in my thirties. Give me a greying head and a dad bod any day, honestly much sexier than a toned twenty something to me.

That's great, but most attractive young women don't share your love of flabby, balding middle aged dads. Can't imagine why.

Who said anything about flabby and balding? You’re kind of inventing things there! The fact is that men who find younger women attractive are far more likely to have the feeling returned than the other way around. And not only by desperate and unattractive young women-there are plenty who are very attractive and like an older man. It seems some women respond to that fact with angry jibes trying to dismiss any older man as a physically gross old perv. Simply not true however much you don’t like it.

OP you actually sound like a really nice person who responded calmly and rationally to some really nasty character assassination and I wish you all the best whatever happens.

It's not so much the age gap as her being just 7yrs older than your daughters!

Since when do men become flabby, unattractive sleazy creeps when they hit 40?. My husband is mid 50's very fit, very active lifestyle non sleazy and quite honestly sexy as fuck.

@Maskedcrusader

Since when do men become flabby, unattractive sleazy creeps when they hit 40?. My husband is mid 50's very fit, very active lifestyle non sleazy and quite honestly sexy as fuck.

Freddie Flintoff came up on my Facebook newsfeed yesterday and in the video mentioned he was 42. If that's considered to be flabby and balding then apparently flabby and balding ain't that bad...

Considering everything, and being open-minded: age gap: not necessarily an issue. Baggage of exes (not that children are "baggage" but they do complicate future relationships): could be an issue in an age gap relationship.

But it's nothing to do with all of us on here, OP. Doesn't matter what we think, does it? you need to do what's best for you and YOUR family.

When you were separating from your wife, she was a teen.

Eek.

Jesus some of the responses on here.

Shes a child! At 21?

Having kids at 21 shows she isn't mature?

I had my planned child at 21 and 10 years later I am still happy and with his dad. People on here really need to pull their judgy pants out of their arsehole!

OP, personally for me it would be too big a gap, but if you're OK with it and she's OK with it what have you got to lose!

Aaron Johnson began a relationship with Nowhere Boy director Sam Taylor-Wood, after meeting on the 2009 set of the film when he was 18 and she was 42. They announced their engagement in October 2009 and married at Babington House, Somerset, England on 21 June 2012.

The issue for me isn't your ages, but the ages of your daughters. It's too close. A bit of fun maybe, but sounds like if you're already falling then you might both get hurt

I also don’t think the OP deserves all the character assassinations

I think this thread brings out people’s insecurities about ageing and how they are having to still compete with girls as young as their daughters for the same age group.

One of my best friends married a man who is 20 years her senior. He was all attractive and had no daughters. She was early twenties.

We still talk and few years later she heavily regrets that decision but it still with him for the security.

In her words “I was attracted to him because I had a trauma bond with my own father..”

She is not attracted to him. They don’t have much in common at all. And she wishes she never married him for sure.

But is still with him for his financial security and because she has a young child and she has become dependent.

She knows she was too irrational when she made that decision initially.. bevshse he was too intense and gave her so much affection..

I honestly think he is a creep.. and I think she fell for it and they’re so so incompatible.

@herecomesthsun

Aaron Johnson began a relationship with Nowhere Boy director Sam Taylor-Wood, after meeting on the 2009 set of the film when he was 18 and she was 42. They announced their engagement in October 2009 and married at Babington House, Somerset, England on 21 June 2012.

I've already mentioned this couple and got repeatedly told that they "don't count" because celebrities aren't "real people".

Who said anything about flabby and balding?

You said 'dad bod' which does imply a certain lack of physical tone. And most men in their 40s and above are well past their physical prime.

The fact is that men who find younger women attractive are far more likely to have the feeling returned than the other way around.

A well-maintained woman in her 40s or 50s has a much better chance of a fling with a fit young man than the reverse. The internet is heaving with middle aged men looking to get with young women. The vast majoity only get laughed at.

And not only by desperate and unattractive young women-there are plenty who are very attractive and like an older man.

Depends what you mean by 'older'. 5 years? Sure. 10 years? Maybe.

But 20 years? Not so much. Look at the stats. Most marriages are between men and women close in age. Big age gaps are strongly correlated with divorce rates. There isn't a huge population of attractive young women out there desperate to hook up with divorced dads in their 40s.

It seems some women respond to that fact with angry jibes trying to dismiss any older man as a physically gross old perv. Simply not true however much you don’t like it.

There are some fit older men. And older women too. However, attractive young people tend to prefer other attractive young people.

@JunkCrumpet. I acknowledge that young women are adults. But I think we can all agree that most 21-year-olds don’t have much life experience simply because they are so young.

I think it’s understandable for a parent to want their adult child to do more with their lives before getting involved with someone old enough to also be their parent, with older children!

That’s why many posters are saying it would be different if they were older, say 41 and 60. Although personally I’d run for the hills if, at 46, a 65-year-old expressed an interest in me.🤣