Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

Freddie Flintoff hasn't matured beyond a teenager ,though, and doesn't he think the Earth is flat? Not a great example.

@BigFart

leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs!

Bloody men 🙄

Does she not have a mind of her own? Is OP going to drag her off by her hair to his cave and block her in with a big boulder forever?

OP, it sounds like you have a connection. Take it slow and see how it goes. Age is just a number, it’s who you are that matters.

[quote AmICrazyorWhat2]@JunkCrumpet. I acknowledge that young women are adults. But I think we can all agree that most 21-year-olds don’t have much life experience simply because they are so young.

I think it’s understandable for a parent to want their adult child to do more with their lives before getting involved with someone old enough to also be their parent, with older children!

That’s why many posters are saying it would be different if they were older, say 41 and 60. Although personally I’d run for the hills if, at 46, a 65-year-old expressed an interest in me.🤣[/quote]
So, if this young woman left home at 16 and got a solicitor's apprenticeship, married at 18, had a baby at 19 and her husband passed away at 20. Now, she's a qualified solicitor in a stable career. She's been married, and the marriage ended through no fault of her own and she has a child. People on this thread are saying it's not acceptable for her to choose who she wants to date. However, a 32 year old who graduated from uni after living with her parents the whole way through and then travelled around SE Asia for ten years drinking, partying and having sex. Frequently contacted her parents for money, no long-term relationships and no career - it's perfectly acceptable for OP to date her.
Different people have different lives and trajectories. Many 21 year olds are very grounded and mature, many aren't. None of us know anything about this women (and you'll notice that no one cared to ask). There's a blanket assumption that young women make poor choices and are ill-informed and immature. It's a false assumption in many cases and it harms women to perpetuate it.

Why are people so judgemental?

For those posting going back in age, 'if she was 12 he'd be..' etc. That is a completely irrelevant point, she is not 12.

I am 29, my husband is 38. No issues. But if I was 12, he would have been 19. But what is the point in saying that. I wasn't 12. Now married 5 years and have a baby son.

Perhaps women on here get a bit jelous? As they know this could happen to them, they are left with the kids and their husband could effectively leave and 'start again'.

Basically it's not for us to judge. If they're happy they're happy

I spent 3 yrs with someone 22 yrs older when I was 22.

Lots of women complain that these no decent men around. Well maybe there are , maybe just loads of stuff has been invented about them which is in no way true ! Welcome to Mumsnet OP! You’re onto a loser really just for having a penis!

You and your friend are adults, if you can make each other happy then why not?

@herecomesthsun that is creepy as fuck. What would a 42 year old woman see in an 18 year old male? Vile.
A couple of years earlier and she’d be called a peodophile.

It's very unlikely that's she's finished having kids. So in 3 or 4 years are you ready to restart down the parenting track. And all that entails so working years longer to pay for uni etc. No thanks.

[quote BigFart]@herecomesthsun that is creepy as fuck. What would a 42 year old woman see in an 18 year old male? Vile.
A couple of years earlier and she’d be called a peodophile.[/quote]
Supposedly they met when he was 17, working on the John Lennon film which she directed. So as well as being more than twice his age, she was effectively his boss. Yuck.

Perhaps women on here get a bit jelous? As they know this could happen to them, they are left with the kids and their husband could effectively leave and 'start again

If dp wanted to leave and start again hes free to do so im not gonna throw myself in the doorway or beg him to stay.

If he went sniffing round someone only a few years older than our daughters , yeah it wouldn't be anything close to jealousy I felt.

I used to work with a 22/23 yr old "man" honestly I felt dirty listening to some of the stuff he was telling me I was almost old enough to be his mother

Also OP. Don’t run yourself down on a place like Mumsnet.

If you call yourself an idiot people see this as an open invitation to let out their insecurities on you without feeling any guilt.if they character assassinate.

When it comes to stranger women always have your boundaries clear. Including the internet

@JunkCrumpet

For the record, Emmanuel Macron is 24 years younger than his wife (and he's the celebrity), Jason Mamoa is much more famous than his wife who is 12 years older than him, Ryan Gosling is more famous than his older wife Eva, Roger Moore was 12 years younger than his second wife, Hugh Jackson is far more famous than Debora-Lee Furness (13 years difference there). But, of course, celebrities don't count - only "real people" count.

I have read your list and for each of these couples, I can give you at least ten times as many examples of what all these grumpy, middle-aged women are talking about. Do not be Leonardo Di Caprio’s apologist.

And maybe I’m unusual but I often found older men really attractive when I was younger. And I don’t really fancy young guys now I’m in my thirties. Give me a greying head and a dad bod any day, honestly much sexier than a toned twenty something to me.

It’s not all about the looks though is it? It’s about being able to share experiences of yesteryear, tastes in music and interests. There can be very little common ground and shared experience with a large age gap. I could not be with someone who wasn’t around in the 1980s / 90s,

She may not display her youth yet OP but emotional immaturity will show itself at some point.

I have a relative who married an older man, approx 20 years her senior. She wanted to socialise, see her friends, go for nights out. He wanted to relax in front of the television. Within two years they realised they had nothing in common.

Of course there will be examples of it working but they are in the minority.

I used to work with a 22/23 yr old "man" honestly I felt dirty listening to some of the stuff he was telling me I was almost old enough to be his mother

I'm guessing he wasn't telling you what the photocopier code was, then?

@JunkCrumpet
You say:
So, if this young woman left home at 16 and got a solicitor's apprenticeship, married at 18, had a baby at 19 and her husband passed away at 20. Now, she's a qualified solicitor in a stable career.
I have worked with some of the smartest minds in this country in a field where you only the top minds enter and survive. Guess what? Even these smartest people have their own growth curve and there is a huge difference between emotional maturity and career maturity.

older woman are jealous? Is that really how other woman on here view concerns about a 40yr old being interested in a 21yr old. My friend was 18 when she dated a 36yr old, very damaging relationship and thankfully ended. I was young too once and also used to date older men but I mean 4yrs older not 20. My mum was 40 when I was 20 so no i wasnt interested in dating a 40 yr olds who were the same age as my mum. Interestingly where i hung out the only older men hunting after young ones were divorcees with kids...

@refriedbeanstalk

I would hold off for a bit; in six years you'll legally be allowed to go after your daughters' friends 😑

Thanks for that.

I wish we had a copier.coukd have smashed his hands in it then when they went walkies

[quote Totickleamockingbird]@JunkCrumpet
You say:
So, if this young woman left home at 16 and got a solicitor's apprenticeship, married at 18, had a baby at 19 and her husband passed away at 20. Now, she's a qualified solicitor in a stable career.
I have worked with some of the smartest minds in this country in a field where you only the top minds enter and survive. Guess what? Even these smartest people have their own growth curve and there is a huge difference between emotional maturity and career maturity.[/quote]
So, to clarify, you think maturity is determined entirely by age and not what you've actually done or been through? And you also think a successful relationship is entirely determined by having matched maturity levels? I'll note that you're wrong and not continue to debate with you.

Is this a reverse ? You are the ex wife aren’t you?

Because I can’t see a man that would have the guts to post on Mumsnet something so daring 😂

You don't have feelings for her. Your dick has feelings for her.

OP, you sound like a person who is going through a really difficult time, thanks to Covid and all that has come with it. It really is not the right time to take a step that your daughters may find creepy pretty soon (I was 12 when I first experienced a sexual advance from a man about the age you are now; creepy as fuck and quite traumatising).

Sam Taylor-Wood is a fucking creep too

This is a hard one. I agree that the long term prognosis isn't great, but it sounds like you have a real connection with her, which isn't something to lightly discard. If you proceed, do so slowly and cautiously and discuss the hell out of the age difference and all of its implications.

If this turns out to be your first relationship after your divorce it will be emotionally challenging for your daughters, but that would be true with any new woman in your life.

@JunkCrumpet
You wouldn’t debate with me because you have no answers.
And no, age doesn’t determine maturity. If you pay attention, you will realise that I used your example of a girl who is a solicitor at 21. Imagine how mature she would be at 40? Now imagine what she, herself will think at 40 of her own maturity at 21? People who are already smart will be smarter at 40 and even wiser at 50. Why is that hard to understand?