Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

I wouldn't allow my 12 year old to date a 16 year old. Would you? Would you be ok dating someone four years older than you? Do you think you've made a stupid comparison between rape and consensual relationships?
Did you start drinking a couple days earlier or do you always hyperbole everything?

@Devlesko

There's the same age difference between your kids and the woman as my dh and his sm. He said he was embarrassed and weirded out his dad went for someone so young. Ruined his relationship with his dad, it never did recover. Dh found him disgusting tbh. His widow was surprised that all their plans they'd made wouldn't happen. He was 80 when he died, her just over 60.

I think it's all kinds of wrong tbh, and selfish. Try thinking about your kids.

I don’t think that reflects very well on your husband to be honest. His father found another adult who made him happy and who he grew old with and your husband found him ‘disgusting’ and ruined their relationship because of a 19 year age gap? Sounds very judgemental and immature!

There's 17 years between myself and my OH, I'm older, female.
He was 25 and I was 42 when we got together. People warned us it wasn't a good idea and I agreed, he chased me and in the end I let him catch me!
No one thinks its weird or strange any more as they are just used to us being a couple.
Been together 12 years, still in love, do everything together and we're best friends.

If you were 21, would you allow your parents to decide who you can date? Be honest.

That's not at all the same as not "giving your blessing" to a relationship. Be honest.

No, he wouldn't be able to tell them who they could/couldn't date, but he would definitely have a gut feeling on the matter.

His daughters are less than 10 years away from 21 ... how will he feel if they start being pursued by 40+ year old men is a valid question under the circumstances. If he thinks it's inappropriate and he'll hate it, then he has his answer.

A 20 year gap is a lot smaller when both parties are older and have some life behind them; a 21 year old is literally just leaving childhood behind.

All the posters asking OP & other posters if they'd be happy if it was their 21 yr old. Do your adult children discuss their sex lives with you? Mine dont. They may casually mention someone they are going for drinks with but that's about it unless its serious. So if my adult daughter was dating/sleeping with a 40 year old I'd be none the wiser & rightly so it's not my business and I trust her judgment.

@Totickleamockingbird

I wouldn't allow my 12 year old to date a 16 year old. Would you? Would you be ok dating someone four years older than you? Do you think you've made a stupid comparison between rape and consensual relationships? Did you start drinking a couple days earlier or do you always hyperbole everything?

It's not hyperbole - you might want to look up the definition. There's a huge huge huge huge huge huge huge difference between a 12 year old dating a 31 year old and a 21 year old dating a 40 year old. The difference is that a 12 year old is a CHILD. The 31 year old is a PAEDOPHILE. If people can't see that then they need to give their head a wobble.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

If you were 21, would you allow your parents to decide who you can date? Be honest.

That's not at all the same as not "giving your blessing" to a relationship. Be honest.

Huh? Who said anything about blessing?

I'm one of those 'middle aged women' a PP has such contempt for, and nearly all of the men I find 'hot' are much younger than me. That doesn't mean I'd want a serious relationship with them, which is just as well because the vast majority wouldn't look twice at me. Same is true in reverse. Most young women aren't gagging for divorced dads in their 40s.
This^ 100%.
I am not even middle aged. Far from it. But I still find younger men more attractive. That is natural. For a relationship? No absolutely not. It’s a purely physical attraction. I wouldn’t want to spend time with them long-term simply because our they wouldn’t be mature beyond their years. Why should they be?

@IcedPurple

It’s easier than the simple yet uncomfortable truth that most men are more attracted to younger women, which of course isn’t received well by the average Mumsnet poster.

Why is that an 'uncomfortable truth'?

Younger people tend to be more physically attractive. That goes for men every bit as much as for women. I'm one of those 'middle aged women' a PP has such contempt for, and nearly all of the men I find 'hot' are much younger than me. That doesn't mean I'd want a serious relationship with them, which is just as well because the vast majority wouldn't look twice at me. Same is true in reverse. Most young women aren't gagging for divorced dads in their 40s.

So the uncomfortable truth is, however much middle aged blokes may fancy fit young women, the women are unlikely to reciprocate.

I think it’s an uncomfortable truth for many because a lot of women in their middle age find it quite difficult to see men their own age looking to younger women. Not for all women of course but I do think it’s a likely to be a sore spot for quite a lot of Mumsnet posters. Look at the relationships board which is full of posters whose husbands have left them and got with younger women.

And maybe I’m unusual but I often found older men really attractive when I was younger. And I don’t really fancy young guys now I’m in my thirties. Give me a greying head and a dad bod any day, honestly much sexier than a toned twenty something to me.

But everyone’s different and that’s my point, if they’re two single and consenting adults who like each other then what’s the problem with seeing (slowly) how it goes?

@Maskedcrusader

You are both adults & single , don't over think it just have some fun. It's very patronising of some posters to paint her as vulnerable & naive because she's 21.

Exactly, it surprise some people but not all 21 year old women are the idiots this thread seems to think, one person considers her 20 year old to be a 'child', I feel sorry for that young woman. All the two of you can do is take it slowly and, as I'm sure you are, be aware of any problems the age difference may cause.

I would hold off for a bit; in six years you'll legally be allowed to go after your daughters' friends 😑

At first I thought a big no! Big age gaps sometimes work but maybe not at the ages that you both are. BUT if you want the same things (no more kids, no regular clubbing nights etc) then what's the harm?

Just go into it with eyes wide open - don't expect too much long term, maybe keep it quiet for a while. You can't help who you fall for, you could potentially get on very well.

BUT if you feel icky about it now, it's likely you'll feel the same or worse if you start seeing each other. Just think about it some more.

Oh why the hell not. You are both adults and that connection doesn't come along so often. LIke any relationship, it will either work out or it wont. Go for it.

fWIW, I met my DH when I was 20 and he was 42. We got married two years later and had a fantastic life together until he died last year. Sometimes, love just is, regardless of age or circumstances.

@refriedbeanstalk

I would hold off for a bit; in six years you'll legally be allowed to go after your daughters' friends 😑

He can go after them in four years actually.

My 'step mother' is only six years older than I am, but she has made my father happy for almost 45 years, which is far longer than my parents were married. The difference being that his first family were near adults before they had my half-sibs. There's a 20 year age gap between the two sets of children, and I don't know my half-sibs as adults at all.

21 is an adult, so despite the large age gap, if you are both happy then. it's not anybody else business really.
Suggest you meet up, see what she says. It might come to nothing, it might not.

What do you two have in common?

How old was your ex wife when you started dating?

I'm with the grim band. Firstly because she is FAR closer in age to your daughters than you, and will likely make them uncomfortable , and or feel judge about you and her (I know your children never judge and are never rude- at 12 maybe not. But teenagers can and will be on occasion like it or lump it) ,

secondly because even if you like her, what future is there? For her? 20/30 years happiness and then? Caring and loss for the next 20/30 years . All whilst relatively young. Yay! Not a future I'd want for my daughters.

Thirdly because regardless of how "mature" you think she is, let's be honest, at 21 she isn't mature. I say that as a woman who was married , had planned and had a child and bought a house at 21- all with my current husband. I would have said then that of course i was fully mature and an adult! I had a child and a career ffs! BUT you hit your middle age and realise don't you? That you weren't? That actually you grow up a HUGE amount between 21 and 30/40? Maybe that bit is just me.

@JunkCrumpet

I love your love conquers all ages gap list
Money and fame are aphrodisiacs that crish mere things like age gaps in their wake

Now if you’d come on here and given me a list of folk who worked in Asda and on the Jubilee Line and made it work then I might have not snorted my cup of tea in laughter

You need to go and dry behind your eyes and stop pretending that those of us who call it for what is is are phobic of things you claim we don’t hold sacred

My list is spot on. Every single couple on that list demonstrates a couple that disproves your claim that men are never attracted to older women. Whether they broke up or not doesn't matter. I could provide a long list of couples who were the same age who broke up if you like? Seeing as you seem to think breaking up means they were never interested in each other.

On your list, it is every single time the woman who is the celebrity, not the man. Celebrity women, who are mostly beautiful, only have to click their fingers -- they could get ANY man they wanted, regardless of age. Almost any young horny man would be only too eager to get into the pants of a rich, famous, beautiful movie star, regardless of her age.

I would like to see a list of rich, handsome, famous but young male celebrities who are partnered with a woman seriously older than themselves.
(Prince Harry doesn't count -- she's still under 40, I think! )

@Malahaha

My list is spot on. Every single couple on that list demonstrates a couple that disproves your claim that men are never attracted to older women. Whether they broke up or not doesn't matter. I could provide a long list of couples who were the same age who broke up if you like? Seeing as you seem to think breaking up means they were never interested in each other.

On your list, it is every single time the woman who is the celebrity, not the man. Celebrity women, who are mostly beautiful, only have to click their fingers -- they could get ANY man they wanted, regardless of age. Almost any young horny man would be only too eager to get into the pants of a rich, famous, beautiful movie star, regardless of her age.

I would like to see a list of rich, handsome, famous but young male celebrities who are partnered with a woman seriously older than themselves.
(Prince Harry doesn't count -- she's still under 40, I think! )

There's always a reason why facts "don't count" isn't there? Celebrities don't count, beautiful people don't count, people under 40 don't count blah blah blah blah blah. Funnily enough, the internet isn't full of examples of the relationship ages of Jenny from Sainsbury's or Alfie the Mechanic. Plenty of people have posted here saying they or people they know have happy, functioning relationships with age gaps (both older men and older women) and yet some people on here think it's all some kind of conspiracy to deceive them.

@BigFart

leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs!

Bloody men 🙄

Exactly this!

Also quite frankly if a 21 year old is seriously considering dating a 40 year old who's old enough to be her dad, she has issues. Daddy issues at the very least.

OP I wonder how you would feel if your ex (assuming she's around the same age as you) started dating a 21 year old man? I bet you'd be at least somewhat grossed out. Set yourself the same standard. It's no less gross if a man does it.

I was very close to a girl,

Whose mum (37) fell for a guy who was 25 , when her daughter was 16.

The mother and daughter relationship never repaired because daughter lost all respect for the mother.

It sends off the message that you don’t care about the welfare of your daughters if you are bringing a woman into your life who has no life experience ro understand them and your dynamic and is meant to become a step mum to them...

There is nothing wrong with beinf atttacted to the girl but acting upon it is a bit selfish I think.

I bet it won’t be worth it becshse with time she will realise you aren’t for her and your baggage is too much for her age and she will leave and you will end up with a mess wirh the ex and your daughters who lost trust in your sense of responsibility.

Pick urself up and start looking for another woman