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Relationships

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Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

470 replies

Homer101 · 01/10/2020 16:51

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

OP posts:
toastfiend · 01/10/2020 19:56

My parents have a 20 year age gap. Met when my DM was early 20s, and DDad had 2 older children from a previous marriage. They've been married over 30 years now and are very, very happy. I hope my own marriage is still like theirs in 20 years time. People are very quick to sneer at big age gaps, but my parents are happier together than most others I know who have been married a similar length of time but are similar ages.

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 19:56

@cakemeupbeforeyougogo

'At some point, middle aged women need to stop thinking young women are children and incapable'

See, I was on your side till you rather, paradoxically, stereotyped 'middle aged women'.

You're right. I may be incorrect that these posters are middle aged women and shouldn't have assumed that. I'd still bet money that you are but I don't have any proof. And, to be clear, I don't think ALL middle-aged women have this attitude but I do think it's an attitude far more prevalent in middle-aged women than in other demographics. I've met far more women who think I'm incapable of doing my job based on my age than men who think that.
BigFart · 01/10/2020 19:58

@JunkCrumpet I agree with you to some extent. I know I would’ve been very upset if I was looked down upon as some kind child at the age of 21.
But this is so cliche. Older man, not long divorced with a family lusting after a young woman.
She’s 21!! Do you not remember being 21?! It’s not the age to be tied down to someone with a whole load of baggage.
And I say that as someone who has been in a long term relationship since the age of 19 with a nearly ten year age gap.
Let the lady live her twenties.

Princessposie · 01/10/2020 20:00

Men are attracted to younger women, women are attracted to older men who are financially stable. It could definitely work for a while, but don’t pretend this is a romantic love story. It is likely to be very transactional Wink

BigFart · 01/10/2020 20:00

And I’m definitely not middle aged! So it’s not coming from a place of jealousy like some posters are insinuating.

Boredbumhead · 01/10/2020 20:01

Three years ago she was a teen. Give your head a wobble OP. Not appropriate.

IcedPurple · 01/10/2020 20:01

@Princessposie

Men are attracted to younger women, women are attracted to older men who are financially stable. It could definitely work for a while, but don’t pretend this is a romantic love story. It is likely to be very transactional Wink
Women are mostly attracted to men around their own age. And there's no indication that this man is particularly 'financially stable', especially bearing in mind that he'll be paying for the upkeep of his two daughters.
Whatwouldscullydo · 01/10/2020 20:02

Do you not remember being 21?! It’s not the age to be tied down to someone with a whole load of baggage

In fact I think its worse if they are somewhat more mature for their age at 21. Because I certainly assumed that it would be easier. That they'd be done with going out ajd getting drunk. That they would be settled and sensible. The wife meant they took things seriously, the kids indicated he might be a bit more consistent/reliable etc

Instead its a whole heap if drama with men who don't seem to have grown up at all

MrsPworkingmummy · 01/10/2020 20:02

I was 22 when my 40 year old boss and I got together. I'm nearly 35 now and we're still going strong. Love him to bits.

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 20:03

[quote BigFart]@JunkCrumpet I agree with you to some extent. I know I would’ve been very upset if I was looked down upon as some kind child at the age of 21.
But this is so cliche. Older man, not long divorced with a family lusting after a young woman.
She’s 21!! Do you not remember being 21?! It’s not the age to be tied down to someone with a whole load of baggage.
And I say that as someone who has been in a long term relationship since the age of 19 with a nearly ten year age gap.
Let the lady live her twenties.[/quote]
She already has a child. If she were a single, student who wanted to go travelling then I might agree with you on the baggage front but a) that's HER decision to make and b) she has her own "baggage". It doesn't sound to me like he's "lusting after" anyone. This is wording we only use for older men and younger women, if they were the same age, it wouldn't be considered "lusting after". It appears to be completely mutual. IF she doesn't want the relationship then that's up to her, OP shouldn't be told to leave her alone to "protect" her. She can "protect" herself.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 01/10/2020 20:03

When your daughters turn 21, will you be happy if they start dating 40 year old men?

Be honest.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/10/2020 20:03

Never mind the age gap, I would be very wary if either of my sons started going out with someone even their own age who was a parent at 21. If she planned for a child at the age of 19 then I think that's odd in itself in this day and age and I would wonder why she made that choice, and if it was an accident then I would also wonder whether she was mature enough to try and prevent another accidental pregnancy! I would be very wary at first until I got to know her and her circumstances.

Certainly in your case, if I were your ex I would be thinking "oh, Christ, even more shit could hit the fan here". Teen daughters need their dad to focus on them when it's their access time with him. Can you do that with a 21 year old girlfriend wanting your attention, a young baby around and potentially another accidental one on the way? Not a great mix, depending on the personalities involved.

Even if you were both doing your utmost to prevent an accidental pregnancy at this time, no doubt in a few years she would want a second baby. Could be just as your girls are going through A-levels. Again, not a great mix. Loads of added stress and added financial burden. You could be a granddad while still having a second family with teenagers at home. it wouldn't be for me but each to their own.

OP, you say her ex didn't treat her too well. Like others have said, make sure she's not just looking for Mr Reliable Father Figure. I'm not against big age gaps. It worked well for my parents (15 years) but neither of them had children from previous relationships to complicate matters. Or exes. I think he does seem more "old man"-ish to her now he's mid 80s but she knew that would happen eventually so guess she doesn't mind too much.

I do sometimes look at their relationship and think there was a power imbalance. She was a SAHM for most of her life and is more or less his carer now. Obviously they love each other but I often wonder if she has an regrets that he wasn't nearer her age.

Totickleamockingbird · 01/10/2020 20:03

You could be her father. It’s creepy as fuck and you know it very well, being a father of two girls yourself. At 21, no one is as mature as they are at 40. Don’t take that from her. Don’t be a creep.

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 20:05

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

When your daughters turn 21, will you be happy if they start dating 40 year old men?

Be honest.

If you were 21, would you allow your parents to decide who you can date? Be honest.
VinylDetective · 01/10/2020 20:05

@Itisbetter

I’d say she’s still a child and you are being unwise at best.
She’s 21 with a child of her own. She’s not a child by any measure.
Devlesko · 01/10/2020 20:06

There's the same age difference between your kids and the woman as my dh and his sm.
He said he was embarrassed and weirded out his dad went for someone so young. Ruined his relationship with his dad, it never did recover. Dh found him disgusting tbh.
His widow was surprised that all their plans they'd made wouldn't happen. He was 80 when he died, her just over 60.

I think it's all kinds of wrong tbh, and selfish. Try thinking about your kids.

Totickleamockingbird · 01/10/2020 20:08

Funny how these relationships are always about a much younger woman, always mature beyond her years apparently, and a much older man, much younger at heart apparently.
Men do think with their dicks.

Randompea · 01/10/2020 20:08

I was 23 when I met my soul mate, he was 43. He already had children, one being older than myself. 9 years on and we are still going strong with a beautiful family of our own (including his beautiful children from a previous relationship).

Don’t listen to other people, I wouldn’t even waste your time asking for opinions or advice. You know in your heart how you feel. Life is far too short and precious not to take every opportunity that is given to us. What if she is your soul mate... you know deep down what you need to do.

Whatever you decide, I hope you have a full and happy life

GeorginaTheGiant · 01/10/2020 20:08

I do think that there are a disproportionate amount of posters on here who are up in arms about the age gap because they want to push the narrative of the sleazy pathetic middle aged man. It’s easier than the simple yet uncomfortable truth that most men are more attracted to younger women, which of course isn’t received well by the average Mumsnet poster.

OP you sound nice and well intentioned, but I think you’re overthinking this, as are many posters. You’re both two single and consenting adults so just take it very slowly, continue getting to know one another and keep your children well out of it for a LONG time. It may well fizzle out and if it doesn’t, you will have a stronger foundation to face the future together.

Everyone on here is getting hugely carried away taking about old age etc. Those issues will only come up if time proves that this is in fact more than a physical fling. And even if it is, so what? You’re two consenting adults and as long as you’re respectful and kind towards her I genuinely can’t see a problem. Just take it slowly and see what happens!

RubixMania · 01/10/2020 20:08

Think of bumping into your 12 year old daughters’s future husband with the same age gap. He’d be 31 right now.

Yeah, bleughh.

Totickleamockingbird · 01/10/2020 20:11

Women. Misogyny. Fucking internalised to the neck.
Get a grip and some self-respect.

picosandsancerre · 01/10/2020 20:11

being 21 and having a child doesnt make someone suddenly mature. My sister had three by the time she was 21 and she had zero emotional intelligence and moved from one relationship to the next. She finally settled when she was 30

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 20:11

@RubixMania

Think of bumping into your 12 year old daughters’s future husband with the same age gap. He’d be 31 right now.

Yeah, bleughh.

I wouldn't allow my 12 year old to date a 16 year old. Would you? Would you be ok dating someone four years older than you? Do you think you've made a stupid comparison between rape and consensual relationships?
JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 20:11

@picosandsancerre

being 21 and having a child doesnt make someone suddenly mature. My sister had three by the time she was 21 and she had zero emotional intelligence and moved from one relationship to the next. She finally settled when she was 30
To be fair, being 40 with two kids doesn't make him mature either hahaha
IcedPurple · 01/10/2020 20:12

It’s easier than the simple yet uncomfortable truth that most men are more attracted to younger women, which of course isn’t received well by the average Mumsnet poster.

Why is that an 'uncomfortable truth'?

Younger people tend to be more physically attractive. That goes for men every bit as much as for women. I'm one of those 'middle aged women' a PP has such contempt for, and nearly all of the men I find 'hot' are much younger than me. That doesn't mean I'd want a serious relationship with them, which is just as well because the vast majority wouldn't look twice at me. Same is true in reverse. Most young women aren't gagging for divorced dads in their 40s.

So the uncomfortable truth is, however much middle aged blokes may fancy fit young women, the women are unlikely to reciprocate.

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