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Original poster

Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

470 replies

Homer101 · 01/10/2020 16:51

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 02/10/2020 09:39

Take it slow, but I’d be wary not to get too involved as the age gap is significant and it’s very unlikely to last in my opinion.

MikeUniformMike · 02/10/2020 09:55

I really wouldn't use Mr J. and Ms S as an example.

As for M.M. I wouldn't use him as an example either. If your 14-yr old later married someone, who at the age of 40 had been a teacher at their school, wouldn't you feel a bit uncomfortable?

Iggypoppie · 02/10/2020 10:37

OP I think you've been through a lot and my advice would be for you and the young woman to provide emotional support to one another as friends for at least a year and then see from there. Being supportive friends offers benefits and less of the downsides and complications. After a year you'll both have a good idea of what the future could look like.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 02/10/2020 10:55

@herecomesthsun

Emmanuel Macron met his wife when he was at school. She was his teacher. Despite the unusual and not-generally-recommended beginning, that relationship seems to have been very successful.
"Not generally recommended" You mean illegal and predatory?
SVRT19674 · 02/10/2020 11:42

I think everyone, including you, is overthinking this. She is a mother, so not exactly an innocent virgin out of her daddy´s house. Just the both of you have a good time and that´s it, if it is meant to be it is meant to be, if not not. Simple.

GeorginaTheGiant · 02/10/2020 12:41

[quote Thehouseofmarvels]@Homer101

My sisters partner's parents have an age gap that's also around 25 years, the mum was in her 20s and the Dad was divorced with 3 kids.

He's late 70s and hugely fit for his age but again the Mum will most likely become a career and be widowed before most of her friends.

If you were going to get together it would be ethical for this woman to speak to a widow who had nursed a much older partner because at 21 she may not have a full understanding of what it entails. [/quote]
Are you serious?! They haven’t even kissed yet! And you want her to quiz people about what it might be like nursing him in his dotage?! For goodness sake.

Mix56 · 02/10/2020 12:56

my DB did this, they had a similar age gap, she recently dumped him for some other guy... (same age as her)....

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/10/2020 13:24

@GeorginaTheGiant

Well it would probably put her off. If she's pursuing him it would solve the problem.

LonelyFromCorona · 02/10/2020 13:24

if she wants it, go for it!

GeorginaTheGiant · 02/10/2020 13:51

[quote Thehouseofmarvels]@GeorginaTheGiant

Well it would probably put her off. If she's pursuing him it would solve the problem. [/quote]
So people should only ever get involved with each other with the firm intention to be life partners until one of them dies? Are you really that intense at the outset of a possible relationship? Perhaps they should just have fun slowly getting to know one another and worry about the long term future when they’re at the point of considering marriage. There is no problem to be solved if they’re both happy and not hurting anyone else Confused

Malahaha · 02/10/2020 15:25

It seems to me that the poster has "serious intentions" (which is what we used to call it back in the day!) and his doubts, and asking here, actually speak in his favour. If he was a creep he'd just go ahead and "take advantage" which is another thing we used to say.

I'd advise him to take it slowly, keep questioning, don't let her push it forward (if you know what I mean) and just remain a decent man. Treat her the way you would want your daughters to be treated.

Good luck.

neversayalways · 02/10/2020 15:34

I dunno. You are going to age a lot in the next ten years, even more in the ten after that. You will be properly old in twenty years time and she won't be a lot different from how she is now. The age gap won't seem much now, but those years are going to stretch as you get older. You are likely to be demented or dead way before she even reaches retirement age.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2020 16:03

[quote Thehouseofmarvels]@GeorginaTheGiant

Well it would probably put her off. If she's pursuing him it would solve the problem. [/quote]
Do you approach every potential date like that? First date, sit down for coffee. "So do you have any medical or family medical history that might mean I need to care for you in your dotage as I like to start my research early?"

Thehouseofmarvels · 02/10/2020 16:31

Well this guy seems as though he has serious intentions. I doubt he'd be here if he was looking for a casual fling.

I stand by what I said because if I had a 21 year old daughter interested in a 40 year old with kids I would want that man to encourage her to think long and hard about what she was getting herself into because I can see that it's hard for my aunt having a very old husband. Obviously a few fun dates or a short fling casual hook up situation is totally different. Someone mentioned waiting till near marriage to discuss the problems of his old age. The problem that the young woman could be too emotionally invested to break things off just marriage even though it's really not the right thing to be with someone long term who will age so much faster.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/10/2020 17:43

I agree it isn't so much the 19 year gap but the fact that you are the particular ages you are AND the kids thing.

You will spend the next few years having teens to bring up, teens who will look to you to model behaviour. Honestly, I don't think that having a girlfriend who is nearer in age to them than you is a great start tbh. It just isn't.

Secondly, she is just starting out. She'll almost certainly want more kids. Where does that leave things?

I really really 100% think that you would both be doing yourselves a favour to knock this on the head right now and both look for people closer to you in terms of life stages. Not age - life stages. That's the important thing.

VinylDetective · 02/10/2020 17:54

@neversayalways

I dunno. You are going to age a lot in the next ten years, even more in the ten after that. You will be properly old in twenty years time and she won't be a lot different from how she is now. The age gap won't seem much now, but those years are going to stretch as you get older. You are likely to be demented or dead way before she even reaches retirement age.
This is complete bollocks. Nobody is the same at 41 as they are at 21 - don’t we all wish? Equally 60 most definitely isn’t “properly old”. I celebrated my 60th with a parachute jump.

Age gaps decrease with age, not increase. @FizzyGreenWater is right, it’s not so much about age, it’s different life stages that’s the problem.

LasagneQueen · 02/10/2020 17:57

Just because you 'click' with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean the timing or circumstances are right.

You need to try and recognise what you want/need and maybe just exercise a bit of self-preservation based on that.

If it's tough now and you're not sure how things can progress you know it's only going to get harder further down the line.

Aerial2020 · 02/10/2020 18:00

What could you possibly have in common?

MsTSwift · 02/10/2020 18:09

I go into a different zone talking to people who are so much younger kids friends etc - careful what you say can’t really relax and have a genuine proper chat. Just can’t get my head round what I and a 21 year lad would have in common!

workhomesleeprepeat · 02/10/2020 18:12

Not going to lie Op it’s a big gap. There’s a lot of people on this thread with positive stories, but in my experience it’s the negative story that’s more common.

Sorry if I’ve missed this in your thread but have you spent much time together outside work? I think the fact that you mention that maybe she is more mature than you is a little concerning. I thought I was very mature at 21, had a much older partner, child - but now that I’m 33 - I can see that I wasn’t. I think I just knew how to appear mature and confident if you see what I mean?

It’s up to you to decide ultimately, but in the long run I think it’s always a bit easier to be with someone nearer your age (as in same decade). But this is just my experience. I can’t speak for everyone.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/10/2020 18:15

You have to consider to consider the fact that she's missed out on her youth by being a mother so very young.. The only women II know who were mums at that kind of age came from pretty shaky family backgrounds themselves, and seemed to be looking for someone to love and love them back (a baby). Fast forward a few years when the baby has grown into a less dependent teen, and the young woman is still a young woman in their mid 30s, then there is a realisation that they are still young and attractive, they missed out on their youth and suddenly find themselves wanting to go out and have a very full on flirty social life, with work colleagues in their 30s and 20s. You'd be stuck at home in your with the teens in your mid 50s while your attractive and energetic partner went out on the town. How would you feel about that?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2020 18:52

@Aerial2020

What could you possibly have in common?
I've never really understood this question

7 years between DH and I so perfectly acceptable.

Music: quote different tastes but some overlap on the "guys who can sing and play instruments" so if we go to a good, it's that sort. Or we go alone. Despite not a huge gap we listen to v different eras generally. A bigger gap wouldn't be any difference

Theatre: I live any of it, DH none of it. I always had, he never has. A bigger or smaller gap would make no difference

TV etc. We both like sci fi, fantasy, horror and anyways have. A bigger gap wouldn't change this. We also have stuff the other doesn't like, no number of years would make him willingly watch Stardust or me Sinbad.

I'm more mature than I was at 20, bit the things I'm interested in haven't massively changed and at 40 he's still young enough to go out drinking, travel, have more kids etc

Aerial2020 · 02/10/2020 18:54

7 years is not 19 Hmm

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2020 18:54

@CurlyhairedAssassin

You have to consider to consider the fact that she's missed out on her youth by being a mother so very young.. The only women II know who were mums at that kind of age came from pretty shaky family backgrounds themselves, and seemed to be looking for someone to love and love them back (a baby). Fast forward a few years when the baby has grown into a less dependent teen, and the young woman is still a young woman in their mid 30s, then there is a realisation that they are still young and attractive, they missed out on their youth and suddenly find themselves wanting to go out and have a very full on flirty social life, with work colleagues in their 30s and 20s. You'd be stuck at home in your with the teens in your mid 50s while your attractive and energetic partner went out on the town. How would you feel about that?
When she's mid 30s his kids will be grown up, she'll be the one with a teenager.
Aerial2020 · 02/10/2020 18:56

However you put it, a man in his 40s wanting to date a 21 year old is creepy.

If her ex wasnt very nice, she prob is vulnerable. The mature thing to do if she is interested is say you're flattered but no thank you.