Large age gap of 19 years. I'm an idiot.

[Homer101]

Hi ,
I'm a dad to two 12 year old girls. Separated for 18 months from their mum. I turned 40 this year. I've been stupid I think. Iv started to fall for a 21 year old women at work. She has a 2 year old and shes also signal . She also has feelings for . Iv have tried to put her off a couple of times. I've tried to put all feelings to the back of my brain a few times too. We haven't done anything physically. We have met for coffees outside of work and talk every day outside of work.
I didn't think thered be anything in it. Didn't think there would be amy future in it. I didn't think she'd even be interested in me like that when we first started talking and becoming mates.
I'm an idiot for falling for her ,for thinking there could be any future in it

I know a 21 year old, I'd feel very uncomfortable if she went for a 40 year old. Same if I knew a 14yo. Wouldn't like it if she went for a 33yo.

@Wallywobbles

It's very unlikely that's she's finished having kids. So in 3 or 4 years are you ready to restart down the parenting track. And all that entails so working years longer to pay for uni etc. No thanks.

I ways wanted more kids kids. Not loads but definitely another one maybe two. It was my wife who didn't. Some of the people who I were at school with have only just had their first child and plan to have another one. But most of the people who I went to school with are now finished having kids.

Chemical reactions such as these happen

Some people will judge

Life’s short so if you can manage in spite of judgment then see where things go or potentially be looking back on ‘what ifs’ years down the line

So assuming you get together now, live together in a couple of years, then talk about "trying". You could be looking at your daughters going to uni, her DD being 8 and you being 46 when the baby comes. Then another a couple of years later.

At the time when your friends are getting back to "our time" you are doing nappies for the second time. I have done parenting for 30 years now and have another 9 until my youngest is 18. I dont regret having any of mine, but I do miss having a life of my own.

You need to think about this with your head. And I say this as someone who fell head over heels with someone utterly wrong for them in every way. I finished it with him. I still miss him, but it was the right thing to do.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

People: Stop giving this kind bloke a hard time. Op: if you are an outdoor Instructor I bet you have a great body and look 5-10 years younger than the “sales/IT blokes” your age and a better body than most of the twenty with moobs brigade. Be friends, see what happens, don’t listen to women on the interweb.

That's very kind of you to say such a thing. While I'll admit that upto five years ago I never did look my age. I am starting to now. Treatment for cancer had aged me. Which also makes me very awhere that no matter who I settled down with I could still end up leaving a young widow.

To address the subject of my children I have no intention of introducing them to any sort of girlfriend or female friend full stop for a long time. Given the last few years it would in no way be fair. No matter what the age the partner is.
I also do not intend to run my ex wife down to anyone , hence of of the reasons why I haven't told my friend anything other than we split 18 months ago. Not even my own parents or my older sibling know all the reasons behind the split.
There were many reasons/ issues around it. Things had gotten to the point that for the 12 months before we split we hardly spoke. In the last five years of our time together I had started to belive that the whole marriage was a mistake and that we should never have married in the first place. I dont think that now. We had some real good times together, we faced some real hardships and battles together too. The girls were very sick when they were born. They were born at 30 weeks. They spent a long time in hospital.

We get along now. We have sussed all this co-parenting thing out. We have it working well. I can go around and we can have a meal all together just as any family. I had Christmas dinner there with the three of them last year. I normally go around twice a week to eat with them at the moment. I dont regret us getting married , I dont think it was a mistake anymore. I do think we should have called time on it a lot sooner. It would have been far better for us to have co-parented sooner and got on better as a result than for us to have ended up in the place where we ended up. That took its toll on us both. So I'm not going to go around running her down to anyone who will listen. That's not fair on her as part of the blame of course falls at my feet . But it's also not fair on our kids.

People mature differently and some of the best relationships can have bigger age gaps. It just depends how that affects you. Different generation may mean different attitudes. As long as you take it slow and keep your daughter's out of it I don't know what you have to lose from that perspective. As a single mum herself she may well be able to relate to some of the relationship battles and best case would be she might be more big sister than step mum.
To me though working opposite shifts and trying to manage your respective children could be where problems come... Good luck whatever happens.

You're not an idiot you're probably flattered & genuinely fond of her. When I was in my early 20's I had a seven year relationship with a much older man who I thought I was in love with. He turned out to be quite controlling & I regret those wasted years.
My daughter is 21 (from a subsequent relationship) & I would be horrified if she was with a man of your age, sorry.

I know it's not what you want to hear but she is too young. If she was more mature at say around 27 then the relationship would have potential. Good luck!

I would tread carefully. The fact that she had a 2 year old could mean you will find forming a relationship difficult. She's probably looking for an escape from the drudgery of looking after a toddler alone, and I don't mean to be rude.
However it could work, who knows? Nothing in life is certain.
At 21 she will change though. By the time she is your age her child will be an adult and she won't have any ties/baggage. Will she still be attracted to a much older man? That is often where the problem lies. 40 year old women tend to look much better than 40 year old men. At 60 you absolutely will look like her father.

@Littleposh

I have consistently gone for older guys, generally around 12 years older and that was from the age of 18, my current partner is older than my stepmom. Not one single person in my friends or family have ever commented on this. The only people that matter are the 2 of you and your immediate families

I actually tend to agree with this, but one has to be careful. When I was 23 I fell for a man 12 years older. We were good friends at the time; I know he was attracted to me too but he never made a move because he valued the friendship. I married, he had girlfriends, we didn't see each other sometimes for years, but we remained really good friends. Between relationships I sometimes thought now's the time, but he'd be with someone and nothing happened. We lived far apart but kept up contact, with letters at first, now with email and phone calls. He often calls me out of the blue and we talk for ages. I'd say he was the love of my life. He never married or had children. Now he's still a bachelor, in his 80's and we're still friends but you know what? I cherish the friendship and I'm glad we didn't take it further. Until I married I used to have him as the gold standard of what a man should be. Now, in my 60s, I do see his flaws... The age difference seemed huge at the time and it seems even huger now.

Do you want to raise a two year old?
Does she want to raise two teenage girls?
Do you want to provide for her and her two year old?
Do you think you will be equals in this relationship?
Are you certain she is interested in you and not the stability she thinks you will provide?

If any of them aren't a solid "yes" you're wasting everyone's time and risking a lot of upset.

Find someone your own age.

@BigFart

Would you be happy with one of your daughters dating a 40 year old in 9 years time?

^ This

The age gap isn’t the problem it’s that she’s 21!

Stop making it her responsibility to back off.

Emmanuel Macron met his wife when he was at school. She was his teacher. Despite the unusual and not-generally-recommended beginning, that relationship seems to have been very successful.

She seems to be a rebound for you and she sound quite vulnerable.

Leave her alone.

It works for some people but there was a huge age gap between my parents. Once my dad started showing his age my mum was off.

@FagashJackie

I know a 21 year old, I'd feel very uncomfortable if she went for a 40 year old. Same if I knew a 14yo. Wouldn't like it if she went for a 33yo.

It's really not the same. Your comparing two adults able to consent to a child who cannot and an adult. Let's not go down the route of suggesting op is akin to a hebephile.

Op she's a grown woman, if you think there's enough common ground to keep you going, just take it slowly. It'll be hard for your kids if she's 21, 41 or 61. If you want more kids then you're never going to be doing someone your own age realistically, but remember the impact that will have on your girls too. Daddy will live with his new babies all the time and they'll see you one or twice a fortnight or whatever.

Half your age plus 7 years is an equation that Is often quoted on here as the lowest age you should date below your own. So for you that would be 27.

My own opinion which has nothing to do with that equation is that she is too young. It comes across as predatory.

I think you should look elsewhere

I'm 22, my DP is 19 years older than me and has two children, the eldest is 13. We met at work in respectable roles.

Our relationship works better than most I see. We respect our differences and learn from each other. To many, we would seem to be at different life stages, but I've never been interested in going out clubbing, flirting around, etc. I am a true old lady at heart!

Don't dismiss things right away. If we had done that because of our age gap, we would have missed out on so much.

I hope you ignore all the negative judgemental comments on here. From your posts you sound like a respectful person. I doesn't matter what your age is. What matters is how you conduct yourself in the relationships with your ex wife, children and your new acquaintance and her family. I think life is short and if you find love in whatever shape it is ( consenting adults of course) then you're a lucky man.

Reminds me of that Tina Fey sketch “meet your second wife” and a little girl skips out!

What is it with older men and young women.
They're all the bloody same

I may be slightly bitter as my first ex fucked off with a 16 year old school girl, he was early 30s with 2 kids..didnt last..she got sick of him after 5 years and buggered iff with someone else as she felt trapped ha

@herecomesthsun

Emmanuel Macron met his wife when he was at school. She was his teacher. Despite the unusual and not-generally-recommended beginning, that relationship seems to have been very successful.

I have always found it to be quite creepy. She was his teacher.

It sounds like she is pursuing the relationship. At 21 and with a toddler that to me means that she is looking for help and financial security and you fit the bill. Don't be flattered by her attentions, you're just a means to an end.

If my 21yr old DD started dating a 40 year old man I would be a bit I can’t lie, but I would give myself a talking to and remind myself that daughter is a fully grown woman and reserve further judgement until I got to know the guy. And for what it’s worth the fact that you’re questioning going ahead with starting relationship with this girl tells me that you’re a decent guy, so you would probably pass my scrutiny.

hmm leave her alone. Don’t lumber her with being a potential stepmum to two preteens!! She’s 21 fgs!

As a mum to a 21 year old I absolutely echo this. Sorry.