I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

Condoms or vasectomy are the only options on the table!

Men always push this on to woman.

when my partner didnt seem enthusiastic about a vasectomy, I booked myself to get sterilised instead. Its quite a big thing to ask of someone thats not sure

@gamerchick

Why do GPs always push the coil? Do they get paid for it or something?

Unfortunately you can't push him into the snip but you can regiment sex to 'safe' times with a condom. No spontaneous sex. No bareback ever again.

Yes, yes they do. They get paid bonuses based on how many patients they provide contraceptives services to!

I was very surprised that my husband went and had his vasectomy as he's the biggest wuss. When we discussed it I said as I had had two c sections I thought it was only fair. Or it would be condoms (which he hates).
He had the vasectomy in the afternoon and the following morning he was back at work. He's now quite proud of himself that he took one for the team 😂

As other people have said 'his body, his choice' but equally it 'your body, your choice' so if you can't agree on contraception, and he's told you he'd want you to have an abortion if you got pregnant, then I'm afraid I'd stop having sex with him.

Tbh it never ceases to amaze me that men are happy for women to go through something like pregnancies and all the risks and side affects that come with it, but won't have a vasectomy.

If a marriage goes west, the exw takes the kids and may or may not restrict access to them

Ah the MRA line.

He can of course freeze his sperm for future use as insurance against the evil that is womankind. For when he is forced to endure another evil harpy.

My friend privately admitted that she had got her Dh to have a vasectomy so that he couldn’t have children with anyone else if he left her and then not be able to provide for his children with her.
I’d never thought of it that way before but it’s a good point!

He’s scared but won’t admit it. My dh was the same but what it came down to was that he is a wimp. It wasn’t in my interests to withhold sex as others have suggested here so I got sterilised. I didn’t want to use hormonal contraception anymore and at 43 was definitely done!

I had my DH mother lose the plot when he mentioned that I said he should have a vasectomy. Your not doing that to my boy, SIL stating if her DH had it done she would view him as less of a man. I mean really? Two adults decide no more DC, one adult has suffered pregnancy loss and given birth more than once. The easiest op under LA is a vasectomy. Its GA for female sterilisation.

Not sure why its an issue. Female contraception comes with risks also, Your DH isnt treating you well

nellyjames @Justaboy, the OP does not want to take any further hormonal contraception. She’s done. No more. Why are so many people on here trying to encourage her onto the coil.

Umm let me think ... perhaps because not all coils IUD's are Hormonal?..

My husband didn't want to have a vasectomy because "it would hurt". Apparently it was fine for me to have gone through 2 pregnancies and births, though.

I refuse to have sex without a condom. 12 years and counting. He doesn't like condoms, but that's his problem, not mine. He is a fool who should have had the snip years ago.

"At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage."

"he goes flat within seconds with a condom on so out sex life has nose dived. Oral sex he's happy to receive not too happy to give so I don't bother anymore. Sorry if this is tmi"

So; sexually, he's selfish. Nothing can interfere with his penis! And sexual activity that doesn't involve his penis he is "not too happy to give".

Honestly? I think I would struggle to be up for sex with him. It's clearly not a joint and mutual activity in his eyes, it's all about him. Not attractive to me. Not arousing in the least. Add in the fear of pregnancy (which I felt all too keenly) and sex becomes a chore that is right up there with cleaning a wheelie bin in terms of gritting your teeth. Sex should never be a chore .

As for where that leaves your marriage - with the ball firmly in his court. Sex with him sounds like neither fun nor satisfaction for you. He can wank, or grow up.

My husband had a vasectomy in his early 20s. We knew we didn’t want any children and never would. It was the fastest recovery I’ve ever seen from a medicinal procedure!

He just sat around all day in his pants eating snacks and two days later he was back at work!

medical*

I watched Dh's vasectomy, I chatted to the doctor as he did it, Dh had his eyes squeezed shut and his toes curled but this was a great opportunity to watch a surgical procedure. It did not disappoint.

He felt a bit of discomfort whilst it was happening. No issues since. That was about 13 years ago. It was done on a Thursday so you take Friday off work and back in on Monday.

We had to wait until Ds2 was 1 before the GP would refer him. Very quick operation, wore a tight jock strap and tight pants for a few days. He told me that it was the least he could do having seen me go through a load of shit just to make sure I could have a baby (endometriosis) then undergoing an EMCS and then an ELCS and we didn't want to live with the fear of becoming pregnant again.

My husband had a vasectomy. No problems whatsoever. The last 10 years have been fab not having to think about contraception.

I haven’t read the whole thread.

DH and I have discussed vasectomies a few times over the past couple of years. We both dislike sex with condoms and I need to come off hormonal contraception. At first my view was I’ve done my bit, now you do yours.

Then we both did some research and there is a small proportion of men that have bad after effects from vasectomy. There are certain ways of doing it that seem to help but ultimately there is no risk free snip. Most men are absolutely fine but for the few who aren’t it’s a major problem.

We have agreed that I will try the copper coil for a while. If it causes me problems then we are back to the snip as the next best option.

Tell him this; you're considering getting sterilised because it would leave you free to sleep with anyone you like without risk of pregnancy, whereas him being snipped affords you no such freedom.
Sit back and watch the cogs of his brain chug over that one.

@JunkCrumpet how ridiculous! Choosing not to have sex is not "abusive" - he's not entitled to her body. Either one of them can choose not to have sex with the other, at any time, for any reason. For sex to be truly intimate you have to genuinely care and love the other spouse. If she doesn't feel the emotional and intimate connection due to her husband's views and actions (read the OP's original post properly about his treatment of her) of course that's going to affect her wanting to have sex with him!

@minipie, I bet you didn’t sit down and have the same discussion around pregnancy. The risk to a woman caused by pregnancy is overwhelmingly higher than the risk caused to a man by vasectomy.

It’s like they’d do it if it was totally risk free. But no medical procedure is ever going to be totally risk free. A tiny proportion of men (1-2% according to the Dr DH saw who disagreed with the 10% figure bandied around) will have some form of ongoing issue or complication. That far less than the amount of women each year who suffer from birth trauma including continence issues.

I am really sorry but your husband is a selfish pig, so he's happy to receive but not give oral sex, happy for you to go through countless procedures, child birth, losses etc. Sex ban

FWIW I really like Mirena, on my second now and I wish I had one years ago. But he can’t just opt out of the discussion and put it all on you - not good at all.

I don't think it is reasonable to compare having a vasectomy to the risks that women undergo in pregnancy and childbirth as a justification for saying men should just step up and get the snip.

If a straight couple want a biological child there is really no other choice than for the woman to carry a baby. It is shit that the associated health risks fall entirely on females, but that is simply how it is.

Contraception is a completely different issue. There are a wide range of different options available, which have different implications for both partners, but there is a choice. I completely agree that the impact and risk of hormonal contraception for women should be taken seriously and weighed against the impact and risk of vasectomy on men. But I think the "I got pregnant so it is your turn now" argument is unreasonable.

[quote JunkCrumpet]@Graphista If OP said "DH is refusing to have sex with me unless I get a coil fitted" I'm certain you'd think that's abusive. Do you think that would be abusive behaviour?[/quote]
It's not that though. It's 'DH is refusing to have sex with be unless i take a turn at providing contraception'

It's not the OP's fault the only current male contraception is vasectomy or condoms - maybe all the men saying they can't possibly take a risk (and their handmaidens) should be pushing for that lack to be addressed?