I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

I got pregnant in this way (using this to avoid getting pregnant).

From only having sex well post-ovulation? Not pre-ovulation? And with certainty of ovulation?
The method needs to be used properly, and if so the risk is low.

The point is that there are several options for the two to consider.
It doesn't have to be vasectomy or no sex for life.

Even if he is a twat about this.

So he wants oral but won’t give it. Slags you off about you wanting the third child. Has a total lack of empathy/understanding about your losses. Would rather you pump hormones into your body than have any sort of discomfort himself...am I reading that right? Plus he’s a limp biscuit but would rather you not get anything out of your life together as long as HE doesn’t have to actually do anything to contribute towards your sex life.

Who died and made him the King of Persia?

Why on Earth you’d fancy this guy after everything he’s done/said just boggles my mind! Tell him if he doesn’t want to be a productive part of your marriage that’s fine then it’s probably the end of the line so you’d appreciate if he’d make plans to move out and you’ll get the child maintenance sorted and let him know your solicitors details for the separation details

Wanker.

I had the same problem with DH after our second. Our gp also recommended the copper coil. She said mainly because that short after birth we might still change our minds about another child. I got the coil after that recommendation.
My periods got really heavy and after 6months i was basically bleeding every day. Not a lot, but there was always a smear of blood in my underwear, even between periods. This impacted our sex life greatly, because i dont like sex when on my period at all. We did have sex when my period was very little, but it wasnt the same because i felt self conscious and i wasnt willing to do a lot of things when i knew theres still a little bit of blood.
DH realised himself that our sex life was dying due to the coil and he got some information about vasectomies by himself.
He had it done on a friday and went back to work the next monday. He felt completely normal already a couple days after the operation. Our sex like improved again dramatically and it really is the best thing ever. No more worries about pregnancy, hormones, condoms. Its liberating and it really changed everything for the better.
DH started really considering it when he did some research online and saw how many men raved about their improved sex life after the vasectomy. Maybe try to find stuff like that online and show him!

I'm having similar issues. Family complete using condoms. Kept asking for him to make appointment to discuss vastectomy with GP but he 'never got around to it'. Condom broke, I had emergency coil fitted, didn't work, got pregnant, it was ectopic, had tube removed. He still 'hasn't got around' to making a GP appointment. I hardly have sex now because of the terror of getting pregnant again and annoyance that he can't just make a bloody appointment after all I've been through.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects

But happy to see you endure miscarriage, side effects and unwanted pregnancies. Happy to "receive" oral but not happy to give?

And why would you be the one to lose your career if you had a 4th child? Are you the default carer as well?

I definitely wouldn't have an abortion that's just how I feel but I know mentally I'm already stretched at 3. 4 would mean giving up a job I love.

Op I think you need to make it clear to him that if you fell pregnant again you wouldn’t be having an abortion and you wouldn’t be giving up the job you love, your DH would have to reorganise his work to fit round the baby, since he is not willing to do what’s required to prevent another pregnancy.

@ladyflower23 I'm very sorry for what happened to you. I hope you're doing ok

@C8H10N4O2 makes a very good point. You’re the default carer too? Are you in this marriage on your own??

@Lweji

The point is that there are several options for the two to consider. It doesn't have to be vasectomy or no sex for life.

Even if he is a twat about this.

Can you name one option that does not involve OP doing the work and him doing something? OP has mentioned condom is not an option. Short of viagra + condom, there is not much she can do that doesn’t involve a whole world of headaches on her part.

It’s a tough one and my ex was the same. I have the coil though and must say I’ve never looked back! 10 years now and no periods!! I love it!

To withhold an important and intimate part of a relationship until a man surrenders the basic right to determine what happens to his own body is abuse

But its fine to remove the right of the woman to bodily automomy. Which is what he is doing by requiring the OP to to take hormones or have devices fitted, abortions or sterilisation.

Its a completely false equivalence - women and men do not run the same risks from sex in a relationship.

Most men IME acknowledge that their partners have taken most of the bodily risks and when families are complete will get the vasectomy. A quick procedure under local with low risk of any enduring side effects (from memory the only robust studies on side effects separate short term effects from long term permanent effects which are rare).

I love my copper coil!

I tried to persuade dd’s Dad (my ex) to get a vasectomy after her birth, as we didn’t want any more kids together. He refused. Bloody glad he did now, as a few years later I left him! He hasn’t had any more kids, tells me he doesn’t want any, but thank fuck he has the option if he meets the right woman, and it feels right for them both. Xxx

Yes, I had sex on the last day of my period and who knew? I ovulated very early that month.

ds 2 is evidence of that.

@PamDemic my DS is proof of that as well, and it was my friend who recommended sex on the last day of my period (we were struggling to get pregnant despite having sex at the supposed right time in my cycle) as that is how both her and her sister got pregnant.

It’s made me really wary of unprotected sex at any time of the month ( even though I’m probably too old now!)

@WeeMadArthur

Yes, I had sex on the last day of my period and who knew? I ovulated very early that month.

ds 2 is evidence of that.

@PamDemic my DS is proof of that as well, and it was my friend who recommended sex on the last day of my period (we were struggling to get pregnant despite having sex at the supposed right time in my cycle) as that is how both her and her sister got pregnant.

It’s made me really wary of unprotected sex at any time of the month ( even though I’m probably too old now!)

I tried charting - I found some really useful notes on charting during perimenopause.

The trouble is that if you are having shorter cycles with no obvious ovulation and take out more days for random bleeding and discount the menstrual period as safe in case it is covering ovulation bleeding, it doesn't leave you with much.

I was sterilised after my fifth child my hubby's sixth . My sister who is a consultant paediatrician recommended it she said she had it herself. It's done by keyhole surgery through your belly button and is very straight forward you go home the same day . Honestly if he's being so awkward I'd just get that done.

Thanks @enjoyeverymoment I'm sorry that you have suffered losses too. The same as you I know I couldn't go through with an abortion but another child would be a massive upheaval to our lives. He has even said to me he thought I wouldn't mentally cope very well which makes it even more aggravating! Sorry you are in this position, it's very frustrating when you know what the solution is.

@WiseUpJanetWeiss

His body, his choice. You cannot coerce someone else into surgery, just as he cannot coerce you into having a coil fitted.

Calling someone selfish for not wanting surgery (no surgery is without risks) is very unreasonable.

I take it you don't know much about vasectomy; it's quicker, less invasive, less risk and less discomfort than many routine dental procedures.

Even vaginal childbirth carries a risk of surgery (episiotomy or accidental tear or worse); vasectomy is only asking a partner to share far smaller discomfort and surgical risk. It's a 15 minute op under local anaesthetic; some vasectomies are non surgical (no cut), complications are very rare. My husband had a surgical vasectomy; local anaesthetic, two soluble stitches and some local tenderness. He drove home after and was back to work the day after next. In our experience my episiotomy pain, risk and recovery time far exceeded his from vasectomy. He was back to work the day after next and never had a problem. Both age 30 , family complete, vasectomy was the perfect contraception for us, we've never regretted it.

@tinyvulture

I love my copper coil!

I tried to persuade dd’s Dad (my ex) to get a vasectomy after her birth, as we didn’t want any more kids together. He refused. Bloody glad he did now, as a few years later I left him! He hasn’t had any more kids, tells me he doesn’t want any, but thank fuck he has the option if he meets the right woman, and it feels right for them both. Xxx

This is the crux of the matter.

If a marriage goes west, the exw takes the kids and may or may not restrict access to them.

In the worst case scenario, the husband is left childless without any prospect of having any more.

Wow!

The reasons some will think of for a man not to have a vasectomy!

Tell him you won't be using hormones or anything else.

He will have to have a vasectomy or use a condom properly Every Single Time you have sex or you won't be having any with him. No exceptions. No withdrawal. No starting without it. No condom; no sex.

I'd also tell him if he ever spoke of him not wanting a 3rd child again and saying it was all you, to start packing his bags. I wouldn't risk my DCs ever believing such self-righteous crap when he was fully involved in the decsion.

It's his turn. I hate selfish men like this.

Unfortunately this sexist society expects women to risk their physical, mental and sexual health by pumping themselves with unnecessary hormones and devices. A male pill being developed was deliberately never put on the market for this reason.

You can use natural family planning with no need for drugs, cancer risks and vasectomy surgeries, it is up to 99% effective when used correctly and you and your husband are equally involved in the family planning process where there's a real need to avoid pregnancy.

My DH had the snip done under local, chatted and laughed with the doctor and nurse while it was done.
He had no problems and has never regretted it.