I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

@minipie, I bet you didn’t sit down and have the same discussion around pregnancy. The risk to a woman caused by pregnancy is overwhelmingly higher than the risk caused to a man by vasectomy.

@NellyJames that’s not a good comparison. If there had been an alternative, lower risk way to achieve a biological child then of course we would have weighed the risks and downsides of that up against the risks and downsides of pregnancy.

Here there is a lower risk way to achieve contraception. So I will try it.

OP your husband sounds incredibly selfish. What a depressing thread. Honestly I'd be considering leaving him for how little he cares about your feelings. But realistically, you should show him this thread and refuse sex until he grows up and gets a vasectomy. It bothers me that so many women seem to marry these misogynistic, selfish creeps.

@gamerchick And if it hadn't have gone well you would have hit many brick walls trying to get it out. Why recommend that chance?

Well why recommend a vasectomy then? They don't all go well either.

I was just recommending something based on my own experience, I'm on my second one now.

On my second Mirena coil, that is.

Leaving everything else aside, The minipill/progestogen only pill is worth trying for those who have had side effects from the combined pill. If you don't get on with it you just stop taking it, unlike the coil/implant/injection.

I raised the possibility when Ex and I completed our family of 2 DC. His immediate reply was "No, because he might want more children with someone else if I died." We were in our earky 40s.

I was the one to take all the hormonal contraception, which I think now contributed to some of my mental health problems. I was the one who pursued fertility treatment, his contribution was 2 sperm samples, which he refused to take into the hospital so I had to do it.

There are a wide range of different options available, which have different implications for both partners, but there is a choice

What is the wide range of options for men to take responsibility which have "implications" comparable to those recommended for women?

For men currently its vasectomy (very small risk of longer term side effects) or condoms, which don't have a health risk unless he is alergice to the material.
Women's contraception can and regularly does cause side effects which we are expected to suck up because women.

I had the copper coil and it was great for the first two and a half years - I spent the last two and a half with a chronic yeast infection which nothing could shift (I spent a year and a half taking oral antifungals once a week to keep symptoms at bay). I knew it was the IUD causing the recurrence.

Pulled it out myself during lockdown, took one last dose of medication and haven't had any problems since.

@Haworthia

Why do GPs always push the coil? Do they get paid for it or something?

I was under the impression that they literally do. Coils are the cheapest option so they receive bonuses for encouraging women to have them.

I picked up a leaflet in my surgery called “Considering female sterilisation?” What I got it home and opened it, it basically said “Get a cool!”

I will never have a coil.

We get a nominal amount for fitting coils. But it doesn’t cover the cost off the nurse and GP time, so we actually make a loss. The reason for promoting them is that they are safer than surgical procedures, and also reversible.
That said, I would never deter a man who’d had 3 kids from having a vasectomy.

Of

[quote NellyJames]@MissConductUS, yes, the Dr who did DH’s said it was a 1-2% risk too. We’re in the UK. He also said, included in those figures was men who had pain that lasted for longer than 7 days but sometimes only as long as 10days. He told DH he’d likely ache for a day then feel a little discomfort or itch for another few days. This is exactly how it played out for DH. Incidentally, he did a lot of vasectomies. Patients from many local GPs came to him plus he held a private clinic.[/quote]
@NellyJames - good to know the 10% figure is either wrong or outdated and that your DH had a good experience with it. Mine had it on a Friday, took it easy on Saturday and was fine by Sunday. No long term side effects either.

I personally feel G Ps should not be voicing their personal opinion to patients. They should stick to facts. I can’t believe this crap is still happening.
Reminds me of when I was pregnant and without going into details the doctor voiced her opinion on terminating pregnancies due to abnormalities with the fetus. Quite frankly I was astounded and shocked at the time. Now, due to age I’d hopefully tell her to shout her mouth.

"The reason for promoting them is that they are safer than surgical procedures, and also reversible."

But if a man wants to take responsibility, why would it be suggested that the woman should?

I mean in a lot of cases it will have been thought about & discounted-hence the man asking about a vasectomy!

@diddl

"The reason for promoting them is that they are safer than surgical procedures, and also reversible."

But if a man wants to take responsibility, why would it be suggested that the woman should?

I mean in a lot of cases it will have been thought about & discounted-hence the man asking about a vasectomy!

I was referring to the “promotion” of coils in general. I want to correct the misapprehension that GPs want everyone to have a coil because they get paid a wad of cash every time! I agree that if a man asks for a vasectomy I would never suggest anything else, although if he was young and childless I would suggest he gave it some serious thought.

We had 3 DC and knew we were done. DH wouldn't have a vasectomy and I was quite pissed off about it. Especially as he had said he would have one when I was pregnant with DC3 but then changed his mind. Refusing sex or using condoms would bother me more than him. I have a copper coil instead and it's been pretty good for me. But it does still annoy me that he couldn't do this for me/us.

Honestly what an arsehole he really is. Tell hm to man up and sort himself out and put someone other than himself and HIS needs first for a change. Christ the shit women go through periods/contraception/birth and its just waved away as a given..then guys like yours cant even be bothered to get all the info and balanced opinions on the very simple procedure that is a vasectomy. A close friend in a similar situation years back had her third, ended up with a fourth (after Mirena coil started to push itself out and the pill didnt work )and had severe PND..2 years off work in a job that was literally everythin to her. Her DH got a vasectomy and jokes he wishes he'd done it after no.2 child..(the 3rd is a living nightmare).Id be tempted to order a nice vibrator and let him know you'll be using that until he sorts himself out.

Omg so selfish!! My DH drove himself to & from his V and played catch with our son outside literally soon as he got back. It's so minor!! He should 100% do it.

"My mirena vasectomy was terrible.

If anyone is considering it read the threads on here- it seems like a Marmite thing!

I wouldn't recommend it personally."

You see it works both ways. And at least the coil, pill etc are reversible.
I can totally understand why a man wouldn't want the snip. However you do need to come to some kind of agreement if you want a sex life.

@JunkCrumpet no, because anybody can refuse to consent to sex for any reason. In your scenario as in this the person not wanting to choose that contraceptive option their partner wants them to also has the option to end their relationship ultimately

Nobody should be having sex if they're not happy with the contraceptive choices of their sexual partner

@spaceOP exactly! This board is LITTERED with women who've had difficulty conceiving undergoing painful, intrusive and distressing tests and treatment, women who've suffered mcs and ectopic pregnancy (inc me), women who have whilst pregnant suffered extreme health issues (HG, gestational diabetes, fainting, blood pressure issues, bleeding and pain, SPD...), women who've had traumatic and even life threatening labour and birth experiences inc emcs (me again), episiotomies, forceps etc, then the effects of blood loss and birth injuries and their aftermath...

I'd love if someone gave info on the stats of ALL those vs the risk stats of issues with vasectomy!

I'm willing to bet the risks of vasectomy don't even come CLOSE

@JunkCrumpet

In the very first article you linked

Part of that is having sex only when you want to

But I'm thinking you focused on:

If your partner is deliberately withholding sex or physical intimacy from you as a means of manipulation, that could also be abusive

Note COULD context is key. As is the power dynamic

Not wishing to have sex as you don't want to risk pregnancy and you and your partner don't agree on contraception is NOT abusive. It's a valid choice.

As in your 2nd linked article

They might be practicing self-care and setting appropriate boundaries for them by choosing not to have sex

From the 3rd article

refusing to practice safe sex or preventing you from using birth control or making decisions about pregnancy/abortion.

Would seem to fit vaguely in the scenario under discussion.

If a couple don't agree on contraception, one or both parties deciding to abstain is perfectly reasonable and acceptable

I wouldn't consider 10% (and I'm
Highly sceptical about that stat!) "high" when the risks for women are:

Miscarriage 25-30%
HG 5%
Gestational diabetes 16%
Pre-eclampsia up to 8%
Long term birth injury 6%
Maternal death - 0.8%
Stillbirth 0.4%

And many of these are obviously comorbid/happen multiple times to the same woman and generally speaking risk increases with age of parents - mainly maternal age but paternal has an effect also

I've had 2 mc, inc a partially ectopic found in the nick of time (rare presentation), dds pregnancy - severe spd, gd, severe morning sickness though thankfully not quite HG, pre-eclampsia, emcs, dd in distress, both lives in imminent danger, severe blood loss...

Funnily enough the risks of serious complications with female hormonal contraception is ridiculously hard to find stats on! I wonder why

Compared to being a bit sore MAYBE after a vasectomy (I also have endo so you'll forgive if I am somewhat influenced by that also) is to my mind a pathetic reason for not having one.

If a woman has, as many if not most do, gone through a huge amount of physical, mental and emotional stress to create your (plural) family, I think at least properly considering a vasectomy is the least a man can do!

I haven't included the few and widely variable stats re problems with female contraception especially LARC because I genuinely believe it is being MASSIVELY and falsely under reported.

I've had the experience myself of discovering my clearly reported difficulties with a form of LARC NOT recorded on my medical records AT ALL, many many women have reported the same issue. Drs and other HCP's are falsely not reporting the difficulties women are having with contraception

And removing the coil if it doesn’t work for you is quite easy.

it really hasn't been for a lot of women - and that was pre covid, many threads on here with posts by women fobbed off repeatedly when trying to get it removed even when it was causing them considerable pain and distress!

Geez op! Your post at 1517 makes him sound even worse! Selfish in bed too! What do you honestly see in him? I hope he's amazing in all other areas although in my experience selfish in bed translates out of bed too

@showgirlie they trialled the men's pill and the poor dears couldn't cope! They had to cancel the trials. No major side effects - basically same shit women have to put up with!

@Totickleamockingbird if you think the apologism on this thread is bad, don't go on sexual assault ones!

@SoulofanAggron getting coil removed very much depends where you live, certain parts of the Uk it's virtually impossible!

@Justaboy you really need to read the whole thread or at least ops posts she has good reasons for NOT wanting to try the coil, plus there are widespread issues with the coil that are going under reported - not just hormonal coils either. I recommend you also at least read of the issues women on here are reporting with difficulties getting them removed and to a slightly lesser extent implants and if you're so minded do a wider internet search and you'll find even more reports of these problems. How would you like to have a foreign body in you that was causing you pain, serious depression, bleeding to the point of anaemia, repeat infections etc and when you went to the gp and reported all this and they did everything in their power to refuse/block you from having it removed?!

Seems like your DH doesn’t have any (balls) if only!

@Lweji the rhythm method which is what you're suggesting is REALLY not advisable to those definitely not wanting more pregnancies, it's very unreliable and dependent on the op knowing her cycle inside out which few people do and many have cycles where the occasional "blip" happens where they ovulate early/late it's really not contraception

@Esspee it is an option but it's far more invasive and higher risk than vasectomy plus to be perfectly honest from the sounds of this "man" op would be expected to be barefoot in the kitchen again the day after and giving him a bj that night! Or at the very least loudly complaining about having to do the childcare and lifework op normally does

but ultimately there is no risk free snip. Just as there's no risk free female contraception or pregnancy!

Oh ffs the bolds gone a bit nuts! Apologies

I don't think it's helpful, in the context of what I am going to assume is a healthy and happy relationship and where I will also assume you would both like to continue to have an active sex life, to think of contraception as something you take turns at or like it's X person's job now.

It is not a household chore you divvy up.

Part of a mutually satisfactory and healthy sex life is both parties being comfortable with the contraceptive choices which you should make as a couple.

Anything else breeds resentment and insecurity.

You don't want the coil. OK, fine! It's your body and your choice.

He doesn't want a vasectomy. OK, fine! It's his body and his choice.

You mention condoms not being very good - in what way? In most cases, it's down to the wrong condom being used. Condoms are a bit like bras: you need to find the right fit but the majority of people will just grab a one-size-fits-some pack of Durex from Boots and the vast majority of men are not using the right condom.

There are a large number of options out there which don't involve hormones. The contraceptive sponge, femidoms, diaphragms, for example.

If he doesn't want the snip and you don't want hormonal contraception then I suggest a way forward might be to switch between condoms and other barrier methods mentioned above. I would also suggest trying a variety of condom brands and sizes to find one which works for you both.

It's easy to think "well I've taken the pill for however many years so now you have to do all the work instead" but I would argue that if you didn't want to take the pill then this should have been a conversation which was had many years ago. Presumably you've had ongoing discussions around contraception previously and the pill was fine up til now. If it's no longer working for you, that's absolutely no problem, but it's unfair to make it your partners problem when I presume it was something you both agreed on previously.

In short, you both need to communicate and do lots of research into what other contraceptive options there are out there for you!

How rude @junkcrumpet.
Just because graphista has a different (and possibly more mainstream) opinion to yourself .

I wouldn't consider 10% (and I'm Highly sceptical about that stat!)

Rightly so, because it was completely made up.