I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

They stopped the trial because the poor men started to have depression! It’s obviously very unreasonable for anyone to have to go through that to stop preganancies. Oh hang on!

This is interesting. I thought it was not a priority because it was felt that it would have limited use as most women would not be willing to entrust their fertility to outside parties - ie outside of long-term relationships? ie financially they decided it wouldn't make enough money. I can totally believe the potential side effects being seen as the most important reason though.

This is what I find truly strange on these threads: women are actually pretty good at being an apologist. The number of women doing this on this thread is quite an eye-opening experience.

@diddl no it was my appointment 6 week check up and I brought him with me as they welcomed partners attending to discuss contraception. She basically recommended copper coil immediately.

And if it hadn't have gone well you would have hit many brick walls trying to get it out.

@gamerchick There are no brick walls to having it out particularly.

My experience with the hormone-free coil varied but for the first 8 years it was great. After I had it changed it seemed to be in an uncomfortable position and was painful, so I had it removed. There was a bit of a wait for the doctors so I got it removed at a GUM clinic instead. The second one was a bit awkward to remove. But I wouldn't describe it as 'brick walls'- there wouldn't be much of a reason for those.

It's true that for some it makes bleeding heavier. I didn't find that personally, though.

Oral sex he's happy to receive not too happy to give so I don't bother anymore

@enjoyeverymoment It sounds like you're not overly keen on his sexual technique in general.

It's not abuse to not want to shag someone BTW, whatever the reason. What bollox. Especially as without this being sorted it's not safe to have sex.

@SpaceOP

They stopped the trial because the poor men started to have depression! It’s obviously very unreasonable for anyone to have to go through that to stop preganancies. Oh hang on!

This is interesting. I thought it was not a priority because it was felt that it would have limited use as most women would not be willing to entrust their fertility to outside parties - ie outside of long-term relationships? ie financially they decided it wouldn't make enough money. I can totally believe the potential side effects being seen as the most important reason though.

It was stopped due to the side effects that are exactly the same in women. So it became ‘oh we have a pill already so why re-invent the wheel and put men through the same ordeal?’ Instead of becoming ‘women may want a break and it’s not fair so let’s see where this goes’. this needs more work and more trials but I don’t think it’s going to come out any time soon. It’s incredibly hard because majority of funding for large scale trials in life sciences is still controlled by men.

Oral sex he's happy to receive not too happy to give so I don't bother anymore
Well, you have bigger problems than contraception methods OP.

And I’m fuming on the OP’s behalf that on seeking advice on a vasectomy they were told by the GP that the coil was a much better option. If you’re seeking a permanent solution then after being sure that’s what you want, then your GP should be discussing the advantages and disadvantages of you each being sterilised. Not suggesting yet more hormonal contraception for the OP is a ‘better’ option. How dare they!

he goes flat within seconds with a condom on so out sex life has nose dived. Oral sex he's happy to receive not too happy to give so I don't bother anymore. Sorry if this is tmi

No not at all!. Yes percy going deflated with a condom is very common had s that happen here too. Not much fun.

Just wonder if the following may be a course of action?.

Have you tried the coil?, I've had two long term marridges and it worked fine no problems at all. Yes i do know that some do have problems and some don' t you won't know until you've tried one or it.

If that works then fine ,if not then see if he will then consider a snip I know three men who have had that done no problems at all for them all fine otherwise and no unwanted pregancies.

Some men are terrified that they won't be complete men anymore they feel that as they can't father a child anymore then there not the men they used to be. OK irrational i know but.

Seems your GP may not be the best person to talk to him has he a GP pref a male one! to talk to to advise him?.

@CoronaIsADick exactly, fertility treatment is a lot of hormones. As is pregnancy etc

Your body = your right to say no, same goes for him. But he’s made zero physical sacrifices yet wants you to make even more?! I would go with condoms or no sex. I would never have the coil and l have had more than my share of hormones.

Anyway, must dash as l need to confess to my fiancé l am abusive. As a few Thursdays ago l wouldn’t have sex with him as l was ill. To be honest he was fine and completely understood l was ill, maybe he only feels like that as l am so abusive of him?!

Yanbu

I did the usual pill, childbirth, pill, childbirth, coil for six years by which time I was 36 and done with 20 years of contraception. I mentioned it to DH, said I was sick of having all the hormones and off he went to the GP and got booked in.

He didn’t want any more DC, neither did I and the worst that happened was a pair of sore bollocks.

Seems like your DH doesn’t have any. 🤷‍♀️

How did you end up with such a selfish,gaslighting asshole? You really are fortunate! "Well it's a low risk" He's an ignorant caveman to dismiss c section risks and to lie through his teeth about a third child. Tell him to step being a wimp and expect you to be responsible for contraceptive choices

My DH had the snip last year, not that it's a snip anymore it's all done with heat. He was in and out in 10 mins, probably less. Not without risk but literally 1000s have it done with no problem.

I'm like you, years on hormonal birth control that caused havoc with my body. I'd had the copper coil, which was better, periods were heavier and lasted longer but not more painful.

The discussion I had with him was around him doing for me it so I didn't have to pollute my body with anymore crap. He acknowledged he didn't want anymore children. The tipping point though wasn't me, it was discovering three of his mates had had it (through me talking to thier wives). Once he knew he wasn't alone he arranged it all himself.

Could you try writing it all down for him so he can read how important it is for you without the possibility of a conflict conversation?

@Justaboy, the OP does not want to take any further hormonal contraception. She’s done. No more. Why are so many people on here trying to encourage her onto the coil. If this was my marriage, no way would I be finding a way to make everything all right for him so he yet again didn’t need to think about it.

On top of this, the OP’s husband,
-regularly suggests that she tricked him into the 3rd baby
-suggests he’d expect her to have an abortion if she fell pregnant again
-expects you receive oral sex without giving it.
-shuts down all conversation regarding a permanent solution to contraception.

OP, I think you’ve got lots of issues here. Your (D)H sounds unpleasant to say the least.

@enjoyeverymoment the more you say about him the more lm like . Time to knock the blow jobs on the head. It truly is all about him isn’t it?

[quote enjoyeverymoment]@diddl no it was my appointment 6 week check up and I brought him with me as they welcomed partners attending to discuss contraception. She basically recommended copper coil immediately. [/quote]
So presumably that meant contraception for either of you?

Maybe for the NHS non surgical is a preference?

But really, if you've had enough of taking responsibility for it then you have.

That was the point we got to when I didn't want to be on the pill anymore & didn't fancy anything up me or in my arm!

Some men are terrified that they won't be complete men anymore they feel that as they can't father a child anymore then there not the men they used to be. OK irrational i know but. well if he can’t keep it up with a condom on then I think it’s fair to say that ship has sailed....

I’m all for saying his body his choice, and when me and my DP have discussed vasectomy due to me not being able to use any contraception because of a serious heart condition and associated medications, I have said that it needs to be something he’s sure about because if something happened to me then he could end up in a relationship with someone else and then want children. He has no inclination towards children with anyone as he’s now in his 50’s.

However the fact that your DH has made a big deal out of you wanting the last child and you thinking he would want you to have an abortion if you fell pregnant makes him a selfish arsehole and I would be permanently turned off the idea of having sex with him.

It seems that his attitude is that given one contraceptive doesn’t work for you you should find another one, but given one contraceptive doesn’t work for him, you should find the solution.

I would tell him that abstinence is the easiest form of contraception with no side effects, so you’ll be using that as your choice of contraception.

Oh, there is an alternative to absolutely no sex.

You can use an ovulation detection method and only have sex in the safe period after ovulation and until your next period.

That's about 10 days worth of sex per month. Without anyone getting surgery or hormones.

Would that work as a compromise for the two of you?

It may require an investment on an ovulation detection kit, or taking basal temperature daily.

If he does not want anymore then he needs to find contraception. And if he goes flat when wearing one then he only has one other option.

Have you told him what the recovery period is if you get sterilised.... That's if you can find a doctor to agree!!

He is in and out within 2 hrs, couple days bruising and then back to normal.... And can have it reversed if he so wishes.

You on the other hand.....

I'd just stop having sex and give no oral unless he does you first. He's being very selfish.

Her husband can't insist on jack shit all if she gets pregnant. OP has the entire right to decide whether she has an abortion or not.

Yes, correct. But she probably doesn't want to have to deal with the pressure and with him potentially being resentful. So it's reasonable to avoid that situation.

Even if he is thinking he doesn't want an abortion because he might want to leave in the future and have children with another woman, that is his goddamn right to do! That's his right! That is up to him. It is his choice because it is his body.

Yes, it is his right, I was just commenting on possible motivations. There are lots of things he has a right to do, and whether he chooses to use those rights or not is something OP is entitled to respond to. She had a right to say she did not want to risk hormonal contraception or having children. Absolutely her right, and he would have been entitled to say that while he respected that he didn't want that kind of marriage. So yes, he has a right to refuse any procedure but OP also can question whether he is prepared to make the same sacrifices she has for their family life, and respond as she sees fit.

Oral sex he's happy to receive not too happy to give so I don't bother anymore.

Story of his life by the sounds of it, isn't it?

Happy to receive... not too happy to give.

Fuck. Him.

Sorry, have no time to read the thread so this may have been covered.
Why don’t you get your tubes tied?. I did that when DC2 was six weeks old. I knew I had no intention of ever having another child and never regretted it.

Your husband's behaviour is surely the best contraception there is ? There's no way I'd be having sex with him with his attitude

@Lweji

Oh, there is an alternative to absolutely no sex.

You can use an ovulation detection method and only have sex in the safe period after ovulation and until your next period.

That's about 10 days worth of sex per month. Without anyone getting surgery or hormones.

Would that work as a compromise for the two of you?

It may require an investment on an ovulation detection kit, or taking basal temperature daily.

Really? Who will be doing all these tests and taking basal temperature daily for an arse who can’t be bothered to do oral even in return? The misogyny on this thread is quite astonishing.

Also, there is a name for people who think withdrawal is a real contraception method: parents.