Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL

THIS IS NOT WHAT NORMAL COUPLES DO

I am screaming it OP! He is bullshitting you when he says you're too sensitive/prudish/whatever. No one, no one in a healthy relationship does the things he does. It is not normal. It is abuse.

As you've already said, you don't know because you have no healthy frame of reference of what a good relationship looks like. But you can also think about film & TV. When they portray a loving relationship, do they show the man grabbing at the woman when she tells him to stop? Do they show him pinning her to the bed and humping her? Do they show her cooking dinner with little kids running around, and him shoving his hands down her trousers and her fighting to get him off?

They don't, you know they don't. That's because none of it is what normal couples do, it's abuse.

It's harrowing listening to you describe what he does to you. Can't you see that the confusion you feel now is the same confusion your DD will feel as an adult? She will, as you did, seek out the familiar. She might face different kind of abuse but compare it yours, as you are doing, and think - well he's not groping me trying to feel me up, so maybe that's normal?

Break the cycle for your DD and leave. You can do it! You can show her that you're worth more than being abused, and she'll learn that lesson for herself.

What is the abbreviation “hyst” short for, OP? Not “hysterical” which makes sense in the context of your sentence.?

I think the PP who has pointed out that he doesn't seem bothered by the kids being around is on to something.

In my experience, most men would find it easier to maintain an erection in a paddling pool filled with ice and snapping turtles, than they would in a room with a primary aged child who can wake at any minute. I think he gets off on your distress and refusal, and of course you're going to be distressed and say no when the kids are around

I think "hyst" is a typo for "just" as in "I was just like..."
OP is no doubt having to type quickly with her kids and husband around

OP, I’m a recent reader to your threads and I really hoped by now that you would be out of your situation. I was wondering whether you could try your local authority or police. They will be able to engage and escalate for you. I know in England one of my closest friends disclosed behaviour like this to the police, they were very good and only moved in when she was ready, sorted out restraining orders and temporary housing. This was in England though.

I also wonder if there are any counselling charities available to help you be able to see a bit more clearly. As other people have said, there isn’t anything about your husbands behaviour that is normal.

Maybe someone from NI could help a bit further.

I understand it’s a scary world and you must be terrified. But things won’t change unless something changes. Your husband is comfortable and has been given the opportunity to stop his behaviour over and over. Unfortunately that means you now need to act.

We have been telling that OP that it isn't normal since March.

And she is still coming on and saying "maybe it's normal".

Back then in March he was trying to force a hand job in front of the children and now he's trying to rape her in front of the children.

Still the same. Since March.

Still will be the same next March.

How can you live like this ?

How many more people do you need to tell you how wrong this is OP? Hundreds of women on here are telling you it's wrong, nobody is saying his behaviour is normal. Stop saying"maybe it's me".

Do you want to stay married to this animal?

You've been sexually assaulted twice since yesterday. Ring the police. Get him out!!!

@Cavagirl

THIS IS NOT NORMAL

THIS IS NOT WHAT NORMAL COUPLES DO

I am screaming it OP! He is bullshitting you when he says you're too sensitive/prudish/whatever. No one, no one in a healthy relationship does the things he does. It is not normal. It is abuse.

As you've already said, you don't know because you have no healthy frame of reference of what a good relationship looks like. But you can also think about film & TV. When they portray a loving relationship, do they show the man grabbing at the woman when she tells him to stop? Do they show him pinning her to the bed and humping her? Do they show her cooking dinner with little kids running around, and him shoving his hands down her trousers and her fighting to get him off?

They don't, you know they don't. That's because none of it is what normal couples do, it's abuse.

It's harrowing listening to you describe what he does to you. Can't you see that the confusion you feel now is the same confusion your DD will feel as an adult? She will, as you did, seek out the familiar. She might face different kind of abuse but compare it yours, as you are doing, and think - well he's not groping me trying to feel me up, so maybe that's normal?

Break the cycle for your DD and leave. You can do it! You can show her that you're worth more than being abused, and she'll learn that lesson for herself.

Exactly! Why aren't we seen this on Corrie & Emmerdale everyday if this is normal behaviour!

I've been married 20 years Chicken and what you're describing has never happened in my marriage, nor in any of my previous relationships. Please stop believing him that you're the 'abnormal' one, his behaviour is categorically NOT NORMAL and the fact that you don't like or welcome it is exactly how any of us would feel, it's not 'prudish' to not want to be mauled. I'm hoping if enough of us say it you will actually believe it instead of letting him make you doubt yourself. This isn't how it's supposed to be, you're a person not a piece of meat

OP, from your previous thread:

Here are the NI domestic abuse and rape crisis organisations OP:

The 24 Hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Helpline is open to all women and men affected by rape or sexual violence, including friends and family of victims and survivors. Call in confidence on 0808 802 1414, or email [email protected]

Women's Aid Northern Ireland:

028 9024 9041
[email protected]

NEXUS 24 Hour helpline for domestic abuse and sexual violence
Telephone: 0808 802 1414

Website: www.dsahelpline.org

Scroll down the page here and all the available CABx are there. I'm looking at more resources for you now. In the meantime, see what's near you.

OP I understand how rural you are but I also understand that you are a bit more keen to talk to someone.

The way to go about it is to contact the 24 hour helpline. The Women's Aid email you sent wasn't for NI though they may have forwarded it. You can email the helpline: [email protected] and copy and paste the message you sent to Women's Aid.

If you want to talk to someone (and I suggest you do this) then call: 0808 802 1414 and speak to someone in real life. This is the better option OP because you need help now. They will be best placed to advise because I'm sure they are used to survivors being in rural areas.

I've also dug up various helpline you can call rather than visit and they will give you advice over the phone.

There's Advice NI: ‎[email protected] 028 9064 5919
There's also a NI Gingerbread: 0808 802 0020
Law Centre NI for legal advice: 028 9024 4401

Give those a go OP and let me know how it goes. If they're no good I'll see what else I can find.

OP if I've been in any way impatient with you, it's because I'm so concerned about you and want to get you to safety.

@Lolapusht

OP, from your previous thread:

Here are the NI domestic abuse and rape crisis organisations OP:

The 24 Hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Helpline is open to all women and men affected by rape or sexual violence, including friends and family of victims and survivors. Call in confidence on 0808 802 1414, or email [email protected]

Women's Aid Northern Ireland:

028 9024 9041
[email protected]

NEXUS 24 Hour helpline for domestic abuse and sexual violence
Telephone: 0808 802 1414

Website: www.dsahelpline.org

Scroll down the page here and all the available CABx are there. I'm looking at more resources for you now. In the meantime, see what's near you.

OP I understand how rural you are but I also understand that you are a bit more keen to talk to someone.

The way to go about it is to contact the 24 hour helpline. The Women's Aid email you sent wasn't for NI though they may have forwarded it. You can email the helpline: [email protected] and copy and paste the message you sent to Women's Aid.

If you want to talk to someone (and I suggest you do this) then call: 0808 802 1414 and speak to someone in real life. This is the better option OP because you need help now. They will be best placed to advise because I'm sure they are used to survivors being in rural areas.

I've also dug up various helpline you can call rather than visit and they will give you advice over the phone.

There's Advice NI: ‎[email protected] 028 9064 5919
There's also a NI Gingerbread: 0808 802 0020
Law Centre NI for legal advice: 028 9024 4401

Give those a go OP and let me know how it goes. If they're no good I'll see what else I can find.

OP if I've been in any way impatient with you, it's because I'm so concerned about you and want to get you to safety.

Such good advice on this post. Thank you @Lolapusht

Op this is not what happens in normal relationships, he is abusing you. I understand that you maybe think it’s ‘not that bad’ compared to traumatic things you witnessed in your childhood but this is still wrong. This is not what a loving relationship is.

How would you feel if one of your children were in your position?

Also I know you are adamant that the kids don’t see anything but I guarantee they know something is wrong, have picked up on comments/behaviour etc. None of this is good for them. None of this is your fault but you are the only one that can change it at this point. You need urgent help to leave

Check out this website. Obviously use the incognito tab:

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/blog/why-youre-so-confused-by-covert-abuse

It'll explain why you're so confused, even after all this time on your threads, about 'is this really abuse?'

She's taken extracts from the Dan Hennessy book 'How He Gets Into Her Kind'. Excellent book. I highly recommend it to you!

Thanks so much everyone I really really appreciate it. I seem to get angry and think "I'm going to leave him I'm going to go. He is abusive "etc then if I leave it too long if he is nice for example I start doubting myself and thinking things arent that bad or it's me etc. And maybe sometimes I need to be kept on track or keep my eyes open or whatever.
I will try and ohone one of those numbers but not sure when with him around all the time. I'm pretty sure I phoned one all those months ago and I'm sure they just spoke to me and then referred me to WA...but I'll try again.
This morning I went into the utility room and he followed me. Kids were in the garden..theres a big window and they were right there and could just look in. He started trying to feel me up and trying to snog me. Grabbing me and not letting me go. I kept asking him to stop he thought I was being silly when I said the kids are just there and he needs to stop and left the room. He kept trying had to stop him few more times before he actually stopped.
More to update but battery going to die. Will update rest later.

Op, call the police and say”my husband keeps sexually assaulting me in the house. He won’t stop. I’ve got 2 (3?) children in the house and even if they are in bed with me, he is groping me. Please help me get away from him.” Do it today.

Yes I think calling the police is the best option at this stage. Your going to be stuck in the house with him for the next 2 weeks & he's not going to stop, he's a sexual predator. At least you can act while your angry & not keep 2nd guessing yourself. Lock yourself away & phone the police quietly after he does it. You keep asking him to stop, it's not like he hasn't been warned, you told him before that what he's doing is illegal. He's had enough chances to stop this vile behaviour. He knows it's distressing you & he keeps it up. Enough is enough. Get him out! You have been now been sexually assaulted 3 times in the past 24 hours.

@Chickencuddle

Thanks everyone I'm ok. I sometimes get myself in a while "woe is me" kind of mindset and it feels the world is against me. But I've shaken myself out of it and I'm fine. Blanca thank you. Yes I've thought that to myself a few times since starting this thread. Also was just lay in bed. Dd is lay next to me tonight as she had a bad dream. He came in and lay ontop of me touching my breasts and trying to get them out of my pjs. I told him to stop and he was still trying so I pushed him gently off he then tried to suck them...I was hyst like ffs we literally had this conversation 2 days ago and you promised to back off and give me space to try and get my head straight and feel better. Since then he hasnt at all and it's still all sex sex sex. But I just feel like I'm a prude and he definitely acts like I'm a weirdo and he is normal. But maybe I am

Will you PLEASE listen to all of us.

This isn't normal. It is NOT what kind, loving husbands do. You are NOT a prude. He is at best a sex pest and at worst a rapist.

He sexually assaulted you and as we don't live in the 1950s, it's as much of a crime as it would be if you were strangers.

Do NOT listen to his crap. YOU are the normal one, not him.

I cant do that. I just cant. Tbh I'm completely petrified of what would happen and for the kids.

Dont know if before I was in the wrong but I thought he was unreasonable and wrong.
He got in a mood so quick for no reason. Basically my dd was bouncing a ball on the ground. It was a ball from ds tot crane. Husband told her to stop it because its not a bouncy ball. She said 'it is.' He said no it's not a few times and she said it is. That's literally it. No shouting from her side. Then he tells her to go to her room. She says no and he shouts to go to her room now. She doesnt go so he picked her up and put her on the stairs. She then ran upstairs upset and he shouted up that she could come down when she apologised. I waited a minute to let him cool down. Then asked what she had done wrong. He said he wanst going to let her talk to him like that. I asked like what...she didnt shout? He said she had an attitude. I asked why. She was just stating her opinion there was no tone of voice or sass. She was very calm. He said he told her it wasnt so she shouldnt tell him it is.
He said I was way to easy on them and that's why they treat me like shit. (They dont really bu my dd can have an attitude with me or sig her heels in but I think shes like most 7 year olds)
I left it a bit longer then asked if he would go up and check on her see if she wants to come down. He refused saying she can come down when she is ready to apologise. I asked him a few more times. By this point she has been upstairs around 20/25 minutes and I just felt so bad for her. I knew he wouldnt let me up if I said I wanted to check she was ok. So I went to get my ds a snack and went up while doing that. Gave her a hug. Reassured her etc and she said she was starving. I said come downstairs I'll get you some food. I know I'm going against him but I really disagreed with it. I went to the kitchen and he was annoyed at me understandably. He said I had ruined it and that

Sorry...
And that he was not going to help me anymore etc. Insaid why dont you talk to her about it calmly. He said to dd 'do you have anything to say to me.' She just looked at him and he said louder 'do. You.have. anything. To. Say. To. Me' she again didnt answer and he was going 'hellooooooo! Do you have something to say to daddy's then she said sorry. He then said 'you dont speak to me like that. If you speak to mummy like that she probably wont do much but speak to me like that and this is what happens' or something like that.
He was in a mood with me and I did end up apologising to ease the tension a bit... but told him I did it because I thought he was way too harsh and she didnt do anything wrong just had a different opinion. He said that I was just too soft with them and that's why they walk all over me.

It's so wierd because these last few weeks he has been fine and I'd they did things wrong he was mostly ignoring it (which was a bit annoying because then all discipline fell to me but he was never shouting or overreacting so I was happy. Then tonight he was completely different and I dont know why.
Probably get loads of people hating me now but I'm documenting it for me.

Your poor daughter, he sounds horrible, everything about him sounds horrible to be honest. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad but I feel sorry for your kids having to live with someone like him. They are having to put up with all of his shit. It sounds like he just wants things his way all the time (with them and you!) and when he doesn’t he gets abusive and that isn’t good for you or the kids

Your poor poor children OP living in this environment they need out and they need out now. Because that is no way to live for them at all.

You need to get them out and fast because the bottom line is this OP

ANYTHING now is better than your children living with him. This isnt about you or him it is about them and not continuing the pattern

I'm speechless. Even if you have no care for yourself and are willing to put up with constant sexual assault and rape from your absolute pig of a husband at least TRY to put your poor children before yourself and get them out of this abusive and unhealthy situation. If you were my daughter I'd give you a bloody good shake.

OP, I think you’re starting to accept this is all so wrong. Your posts are sounding stronger and you’re holding onto that feeling of “I’m not wrong, it is him”. The bits when he’s not shouting at and scaring the children, it sounds like he’s just ignoring them so that’s really being a “good” dad. Think about his interactions with them...he either ignores them (which tells them they’re not important and don’t matter) or he undermines you (which makes your life more difficult and will effect their relationship with you as they love you as their mum but then he’s telling them not to listen to you) or he’s verbally abusing them. You were too scared of his reaction to go and comfort your daughter. They will pick up on that. Your daughter is learning that you do not question his opinion. Her opinions do not matter even if they’re right. He is right even when he is in the wrong. Don’t do anything to cross him because the consequences are terrifying. You do not trust your own thoughts. You think he is right even when he is wrong. You do not go against his wishes or challenge him because the consequences are too terrifying. Think back to when you were 7. Think of everything you went through as a child, everything that you had to endure and everything you saw and heard. Your daughter is on the path to repeating that life. You can change her life. You can take away the fear and the uncertainty. You can give her a childhood free from abuse. Keep going and hold onto that strength.