Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

She cancelled :( emergency court thing or something. So she has rearranged for 3 weeks time. Ffs. Not her fault but I got myself all worked up and been so nervous etc. Went into town to meet her and then found out she has to cancel. Not her fault. I feel for her shes obviously busy but I just feel deflated

3 weeks is too long. Email them
& tell them you need help now. Don't let them leave you for 3 weeks. If that doesn't work next time your touched against your will ring the police.

I'm so sorry Chicken, sounds like it was unavoidable for her but that doesn't stop it being shit for you I think I would ring back and ask if there's anything sooner but whatever happens please don't let it make you lose your momentum, the wheels are still moving just more slowly than we'd hoped. It is shit though, you've been so brave for reaching out and I wish it had gone more smoothly

I agree 3 weeks is too long. So sorry chickencuddle.
I'm no expert here but doesn't quite a lot happen with WA via over the phone meetings? Have you called them to have a chat about how they can help?

Can you sort it on the phone when kids are at school? That other thread women’s aid have sorted refuge centre for the woman within a week of
Calling, maybe phone is the best route with them because it’s been a few knock backs for you now hasn’t it. Or maybe try another women’s charity? There’s
No harm in speaking to a few xx

I feel like the only offer refuges to people who really need them I have phoned several times. When I tried talking t about things she said she would set up a meeting to talk directly. So I dont know what to think I'm in NI maybe the services here are different.

Husband is now off work for 2 weeks due to lockdown.

I'm so sorry you weren't able to meet with WA. Keep posting here as much as you need. Only another three weeks and then hopefully it will be third time lucky and you can meet with her.

Hope you're ok OP.x

@Chickencuddle I don’t mean to be triggering but I read your input on a thread about the Inappropriate sexualised behaviour your dad did to your mum. Your reflections were so, so sad and it has clearly impacted you. Can you see where this is going? If you do not get you and your kids out of this fucked up situation history will be repeating itself with your own kids. Unwittingly you have picked a partner that is demonstrating your dad’s sexualised behaviour. This is not a pile on you I just want you to see what everyone on this thread can see. Please leave. ❤️

Thanks everyone I'm ok. I sometimes get myself in a while "woe is me" kind of mindset and it feels the world is against me. But I've shaken myself out of it and I'm fine.
Blanca thank you. Yes I've thought that to myself a few times since starting this thread.
Also was just lay in bed. Dd is lay next to me tonight as she had a bad dream. He came in and lay ontop of me touching my breasts and trying to get them out of my pjs. I told him to stop and he was still trying so I pushed him gently off he then tried to suck them...I was hyst like ffs we literally had this conversation 2 days ago and you promised to back off and give me space to try and get my head straight and feel better. Since then he hasnt at all and it's still all sex sex sex. But I just feel like I'm a prude and he definitely acts like I'm a weirdo and he is normal. But maybe I am

Also just to add I'm not like my mum I dont allow things to happen around the children. They dont see anything.
I often think of a few boyfriends I had before him...I mean boyfriends that lasted a week or so and all we did was kiss. But I remember the guy right before him. He was so lovely. Made me dinner. Treated me nicely and with respect. Showed me star constellations. And yet I actually dumped him in favour of DH. Now not saying I wanted to be woth him either but just sometimes I think back about how the nice boys behaviour scared me and felt odd. But when my husband was mean to me and told me I was average. Ignored me. Picked me up and dropped me again...suddenly that's what I wanted. I sometimes wonder if it's because his behaviour was familiar to me. I didn't think it at the time but jyst looking back now.

Your husband is a piece of shit......don't put up with this!

You’ve just totally contradicted yourself, OP.

Going into detail (again) about what he was doing to you whilst your daughter was laying next to you in bed, and in your next post saying you never let anything happen around the children!

Even when you went ‘hysterical’ she didn’t wake up?

You do realise that such behaviour is a social services referral waiting to happen? You are not protecting your children from your overly sexualised husband/relationship.

Im going to be blunt with you.

I safeguard a lot of women and children.

Nothing will make better or compensate for the fact that your children are most definitely in an environment of sexualised behaviour.

This means that your children are being sexually abused.

Because you are so focused on not repeating your own childhood you are missing these very real signs that your children are at risk.

You have to get them out of there. The fact that they are being raised in an abusive environment puts them at a much higher risk of being abused in their own relationships .

@ScienceSensibility absolutely.

As long as OP is living with the abuser its 100% a child safeguarding matter.

The older daughter is reaching a vulnerable age where she could very well internalise messages that she needs to display sexualised behaviour to have any self worth.

As she approaches puberty she is also at risk herself from the abuser.
I know that is very shocking to hear but abusers don't share the values that we do so that risk has to be considered.

OP you dont need to just rely on Womens Aid.
There are other organisations that do the same work .

I’m going to turn it around and ask if you have ever wondered if your kids have “nightmares” to possibly protect you from him? Kids aren’t stupid. They may not understand sex, but they know violence, intimidation and fear when they see it.

Ffs seriously. Where did I say I went hysterical? I didnt at all. He lay ontop of me and tried it I told him no then when he didnt stop I pushed him away. It lasted about 10 seconds and no she didnt wake up.
My children don't see any of it. She was asleep. That's the difference I dont agree with what he is doing I'm speaking to WA and will figure out what to do.
What other womens charities are there in NI? I'll Google too just wondering if anyone knows.
I read trying to say there is a difference between my mother and I. She would parade around naked and her and my father would touch each other and kiss passionately around us. She would see him show me hos penis and make sexual comments etc and hear other things he said and things my uncle said and she never stopped them.
In contrast I made DH stop singing 'you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's so it like they do on the discovery channel' and refuse to engage in sexual things when they are around. Yes he might sometimes try it on but I refuse
There lies the difference.
Plus they never actually see him try. They are in other rooms or asleep.

And again not saying that what he is doing isnt wrong. But I'm trying to speak to WA.
Also hard when as a child you were not believed by people.
Also husband tells me I'm just sensitive because of my past

Yes, seemingly we choose partners whose behaviour feels familiar to ourselves. So, I think you're right about why you choose h based on his actions.
Being showed your father's penis is odd. I also suspect he got erections with the passionate kissing, again disconcerting.
As for the nightmares and coming to sleep in your bed, the desire to protect you, even if they don't know how or why is feasible. I've read it on other threads. Kids pick up on tension, again even if they don't know what is the about....
Have you tried your old Health Visitor. They might be able to give you a few avenues to check out? Three weeks is way too long.
You're sounding a lot more confident and like you're 'finding your rage' as MN likes to say! 😁👍

Also that sensitive comment is gaslighting bullshit designed to reflect his horrible behaviour. You're feeling coated because he is constantly crossing a boundary. It's cognitive dissonance that your husband who you told not to do that has completely ignored your wishes and is sexually assaulting you, again!.it's not how a husband should treat his wife, or a Human being should act! So, you feel angry.
He doing it to you in purpose. To keep you jumping to his song, keep you thinking about him, to keep you down, to exert his power, dominance and control over you. That's why you feel violated. Because he's violated your trust and body.

Just to log on here so I dont forget too and can come and read back when I'm having doubts.
Kids getting ready in their rooms this morning and I'm getting ready in my room. Tackles me and pushes me on the bed (in a jokey way)
Then trying to touch my boobs I told him to stop I'm getting ready. Tells me "just drop your boobs on my face quick" I said no. He asked why I told him what of the kids come in. he kept on at me I said no and tried to get up but he kept pushing me back and holding me tight so I cant get up still trying to touch my boobs then starts humping me saying things I wont repeat because its embarrassing but let's just say sexually explicit things.
I told him hes hurting me he said tough luck. Then I finally got up and away and then hes following me to the bathroom still trying to touch me up. It's like he has a split personality. The other day he seemed upset but understanding and wanting to fix things then a day later he is like this again. Dont think it was even a full day later.
Sometimes I think though isnt this what normal couples do and I'm just making a big deal of it because I feel scared of sex atm?

This is as far from normal as possible and the only reason to it children haven’t seen any of it is a mix of pure luck (and lots of it) and you stopping it. You are not your mother that is right and it does make a difference and one you should be incredibly proud of.
But HE definitely is and his sexual boundaries are way off. He isn’t put off by them being there or the potential to walk in at all indeed I think he almost gets off on that fact.
And his boundaries probably are screw by his childhood as well OP and that is sad but you can’t save him now and he isn’t your priority
Your children are and the environment in which they live is no place for them at all. You can still save them

There's something very wrong with him.

And it's absolutely not what normal couples do, his obsession with sex/controlling you sexually is far from normal. But then rape isn't about sex, its about control.