Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

HE HASN’T FUCKING BEEN FINE!!! HE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP THIS TENSION TO EXPLODE LIKE A FUCKING POWDERKEG!!! YOUR HUSBAND IS A VIOLENT, ABUSIVE PARENT AND A RAPIST!!!

• He will escalate is abuse towards DD now that your DD is starting to develop opinions of her own. *His idea of “fixing things” with you is to regain unfettered access to your body whenever and wherever he wishes, regardless of who is around.

There is no way your children have not witnessed or heard this abuse

@justilou1

HE HASN’T FUCKING BEEN FINE!!! HE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP THIS TENSION TO EXPLODE LIKE A FUCKING POWDERKEG!!! YOUR HUSBAND IS A VIOLENT, ABUSIVE PARENT AND A RAPIST!!! * He will escalate is abuse towards DD now that your DD is starting to develop opinions of her own. *His idea of “fixing things” with you is to regain unfettered access to your body whenever and wherever he wishes, regardless of who is around.

There is no way your children have not witnessed or heard this abuse

This.

With bells on.

Do you have neighbours, OP? Does your daughter go to school? You may think this is your secret but carry on like this and your daughter (quite rightly) will talk to someone at school. They will act because they will care more about safeguarding her than you seem to.

I hope this happens or your neighbours report you so that there is some sort of intervention to protect these children. That is your first duty. Call social services yourself or call the police but DO something.

Aren’t you worried he might try and abuse your daughter? After all, female bodies only exist for his sexual pleasure, right?

I’m sure your abusive husband selected you because you are so passive. He knew he could get away with his behaviour.

I know you think they sleep through it all even when your in bed next to them, but he also thinks your asleep when he’s touching you but your not.

What the last post said has been my exact thought with alarm bells, this is a highly sexual man I really wouldn’t want him around my daughter. He seems constantly horny even when the children are around, he’s already started to try be controlling and condition her that what he says goes and even when he’s wrong that he’s right- it makes me wonder if this is what he did to you since you were with him from very young? You still apologise now when you shouldn’t and know he is wrong, do you ever shout back at him? Like if somebody was touching and touching and touching me I would really shout get your dirty effing hands off me. Snap at him,
Tell him the next time he sexually abuses you (he also knows this is what it is because you told him) that you will ring the police.

If he still does it after that, you have to stick to your word. I know
You say you ‘can’t’ but it’s not that you can’t it’s that you won’t for some reason. That is the best thing that could happen, the police would remove him and women’s aid etc would all work quickly to get you out. At least he wouldn’t be there breathing down your neck and feeling your boobs and vagina while your trying to sort yours and kids stuff out.

Not one person has told you this is okay.

It is abuse.

It has been going on a long time, he is escalating. I worry for your children. Even without the sexual side, he is not a good dad.

If you don’t have the strength to do it for you, do it for them.

UC is there for support, plenty of single parents survive off UC so you will financially cope too. When your course is finished you will then be able to earn wages etc.

It is sad you haven’t got a support system, but be your children’s support system. Can you see your daughter wanting to visit him when she’s older? His only going to get more controlling towards her and one day she will think I am not visiting that bully and nor will my children, and quite frankly she’s not going to be close to you either because in her eyes you will have allowed it to happen.

You have one life, you will never get these years back,
But you can determine how future years are spent for you and your kids.

Sad thing is he's not even escalating.

In March he bent her over the kitchen sink whilst the in laws were in the next room and the kids were bombing around.

He has always shouted at the eldest.

It's not escalating.

OP just doesn't want to do anything but use this as a diary.

Sometimes you have to be realistic on MN. Sometimes people say "I'd do anything for my kids" but it's not actually true. It's "I would do anything except change anything".

@ElspethFlashman

Sad thing is he's not even escalating.

In March he bent her over the kitchen sink whilst the in laws were in the next room and the kids were bombing around.

He has always shouted at the eldest.

It's not escalating.

OP just doesn't want to do anything but use this as a diary.

Sometimes you have to be realistic on MN. Sometimes people say "I'd do anything for my kids" but it's not actually true. It's "I would do anything except change anything".

It's heartbreaking to watch. Even though we're all complete strangers we can't bear to think that a woman and her children are living this.

OP - what will it take for you to get the strength to go?

I agree Elspeth, it's heartbreaking to know OP is going through this.

My guess is apart from the vile husband OP has a nice house & a nice life where she lives & doesn't want to give that up. (Correct me if I'm wrong OP) I can't think of any reason why you would want to stay?

Can I ask you OP if you were walking home from the shops one evening & a man dragged you into a laneway & did the things that your husband does to you would you phone the police? If the answer is yes then you know you need to ring them the next time your husband does this to you. It's not OK! I'm with my husband 20 years & not once ever had he ever done anything like this to me even as a joke. Nor has any of my exes & one of them was an emotional abuser. It's wrong, so wrong, what he's doing to you.

I wont comment to everything just now but will come back later. But just to elspeth my children are the centre of my world everything i do is for them.
I understand how other people can think they would just leave bit really it's not as simple as that.
I honestly almost as traumatised by the way I had to leave home and the police investigations as the actual abuse. I don't want that for my kids. I had to move away from all I knew and lost friends too as they probably didnt know how to handle it.
I want to leave but in the calmest safest healthiest way for my kids I can.
I dont think it's fair to say I'm in the same position I was in march. I wasnt thinking it was abusive and had absolutely no plans to leave. Now I am recognising he is wrong and I am going to leave once I've spoken to someone about it and gotten proper support. I'm on my own and its fucking scary I dont know what to do for the best for the kids I dont know how to do it best which is why I want to speak to someone and discuss options and hopefully will then have support in place. I have contacted womens aid numerous times and tried to meet up and have another meeting scheduled.
I have started saving money and got some recordings stored.
I am not in the same position as I was.
It has happened slower than even I would have liked due to covid and womens aid being extremely busy. Other than phoning police I feel like womens aid is the best option. I know what happened with me with police and it was probably necessary but it was awful. I dont wantbthat for the kids.
Again thanks for everyones comments. Sorry its disappointing to you and it's not how you would do things but taking everything into consideration I feel this is the best option for me and the children I need some support behind me I feel like I cant do it on my own. Hence womens aid.

I think people may have forgotten I am planning to leave....but need support and help to do this. I am speaking to womens aid. It's all of a sudden like I'm planning on staying in this situation long term and I'm absolutely not but I am trying to get as much info and be prepared as possible to make it easier on the kids.

From what the OP has posted she has been in abusive environments from a young age. Her parents sound like they were abusive, she met her abusive husband when they were both young and has known nothing but abuse so that is her normal. She is scared of what her husband will do if she leaves because 1) he has her convinced she is the problem and won’t manage on her own 2) he has friends/family everywhere who would be able to find her (take her back home...tell him where she and the children are etc, etc) 3) she has no money and her husband is always around 4) she has no support network and can’t find a way out. It sounds like she is in a constant state of fear mixed with not knowing if there’s actually anything wrong. It actually doesn’t matter how outraged everyone is that she hasn’t just left, that’s not going to help. It sounds like she is the victim of a lifetime of abuse so how about you ease off with the “why haven’t you left comments?” and try a bit of compassion? She is the victim in all of this and if she could just leave she would have by now. If the OP uses these threads as a list of everything that happens and that eventually gives her the strength to leave then that’s brilliant. We can’t leave for her, she has to do that on her own and that might not be done to Mumsnetters timetable.

@Chickencuddle sorry for getting personal there. Keep posting and keep focusing on getting your plan together so you can all leave safely

OP I understand it must be so so hard for you having to do this on your own. You have to do what is right for you and you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for!
I completely understand that you want to try and protect the kids, but I think you need to accept that whatever happens is going to impact them (whether you leave or not) and already is affecting them due to your husbands abusive behaviour towards you all. All your kids need is your love and support which they have and I really hope you are all able to get to safety soon. I really hope that the next appointment with Women’s aid can go ahead, but it may be worth thinking what your others options could be if it gets cancelled again.

Well said @Lolapusht

With each update it gets worse. He's emotionally abusing your daughter now. Believe me , this will stay with her.

Quite right @Lolapusht

No one should be judging OP when they're not in her position, even those of us who've escaped abuse haven't been in her exact circumstances or had her exact experiences, we all have to do things our own way. I wish people would see that just being here, posting a thread and saying what's happening means the process of escaping is beginning and it's counterproductive and so disappointing to see when that poster gets frightened off by replies that imply she's not doing things quickly or decisively enough.

No one wants DC (or OP) to suffer this any longer than they have to but supporting Chicken is the best (and quickest) way to help make that happen. Please don't be put off Chicken, pick out the replies that are useful to you and mentally bin the rest, that's the trick with MN

OP grew up in a horrendously abusive family. She is still a young woman and her husband is all she's really known. She's been trying to access help to leave in the middle of a pandemic, for Christ's sake. WA seem to have their hands tied and OP's hands were tied for months because her husband, who monitors her every move with an eagle eye, was home for every second of lockdown.

OP lives in an isolated rural area and has no family around. She is a SAHM with limited access to money.

I'd absolutely love to see anyone do a better job of getting out in those circumstances. Maybe if OP had supportive family nearby. Maybe if she had better relationships to compare her husband's behaviour to she would have realised sooner. Maybe if she had a well paying job and more access to cash. Maybe if there wasn't a pandemic raging. Maybe then she would have been able to get out sooner. But none of that is the case for OP. She's doing her best for God's sake. If every woman could just up and leave five minutes after their realise their husband is abusive then the world would be a better place. Give OP a break. It's taken her this long to even get hold of WA face to face and then they bloody cancelled. What exactly else is she supposed to do?

Thank you for everyones comments and support. Even those not agreeing with what I'm doing I still appreciate your comments and input.
I was thinking today about something my driving instructor said to me when I was learning. I only learnt a few years ago. I used money that DHs granny left me for lessons and test etc.
My driving insurer said ' you're not one bit daring are you?' (I hated driving and was so nervous about alot of things but knew I had to learn for the kids)
I was thinking today...no I'm not. I get nervous and anxious I constantly second guess myself and always think I must be doing something wrong. I am not a strong women. I admire strong women and wish I was one but I'm just not. But I do Joe feel like maybe I could be in the future and maybe it will just take time and practice 😂

OP, you absolutely are a strong woman for living through the nightmare that you and the kids are living through.

Your next step is to continue being strong and get yourself and them out of there, to start healing from the damage that’s been done. You know this and are preparing in your own way to do this - that’s absolutely fine. But what you need to do is not be swayed by a day or two of him being ‘nice’ (which most of us wouldn’t consider ‘nice’ by the way - if my DH ever acted like yours I’d be horrified) and stick to your guns. Everything he does and says is wrong, deeply wrong, and I know you know that, it’s just hard to come to terms with. We are here for when you feel like you’re faltering to remind you that this is NOT okay and you deserve better.

I get nervous and anxious I constantly second guess myself and always think I must be doing something wrong

And you think it doesn't take strength to feel like that, to endure your DH's behaviour day in day out and still get through the days and do what needs doing for your DC? You honestly think you do all that and you're not strong? When you're free and he's not sapping all your resources imagine what you could do with all that time and energy! You'll see how strong you really were when you look back on this time in years to come, for now you just need to keep pushing forward until everything's in place and you can make the break.

Even the strongest woman you can think of will have moments of self-doubt! You don’t need to become She-ra overnight. All it’s going to take is a few minutes of strength at a time. Just as much as you need to speak to the lady from WA. Just as much as it takes to work on your plan. Just as much as you need to get all of you to safety when the time comes. In between times, you can have a wobble and a cry and just be human. You are amazingly strong. I don’t think many of us could go through what you have to deal with. Each time you put yourself between him and your children, each time you calm him down, each time you take the flak so your children don’t have, all those times you are being strong. You will find what you need when you need. Don’t worry about it until you need to and, when the time comes, don’t worry about it because that is counterproductive! Don’t look at the whole thing, just take it one step at a time.

Also I didnt update before because everything going on on the threat but just so I dont forget
Last night i went to bed and my dd (age 2) wouldnt go down due to snotty nose etc so i ended up just putting her in bed with me. Dh was downstairs so i must have sprawled out a bit. When he came to bed I was asleep. I woke to him pulling down my pj bottoms. Normally he would just out his hand down. But this time he pulled them fully down. I half woke and pulled them up and told him to stop. I fell asleep and he did it again. Again I pulled them up and told him to stop. He didnt so it again.
But this reminds me of a few weeks ago I woke up with no pants on at all. Naked on the bottom but still dressed on top. I thought i must have been hot and taken them off in my sleep or something. Sometimes I do get hot but I normally swap my ph top for a strap top or something. So yeah that made me think it could have been him.
No mention of it come morning.

Thank you for being so kind.

You are a strong woman. It takes strength to come through an abusive childhood and to still be able to function well on a daily basis. Lots of things are harder automatically when you don't have a solid foundation of to build on. Our parents are our first teachers and the most important lessons they teach are that we are important, loved, cherished, and worthy of respect and good treatment from others.

You have missed out on those lessons, so you have to be your own teacher. I'm sure you teach those lessons to your children - teach them to yourself to. Or to the little girl you once were.

Your husband unfortunately is teaching your children the wrong lessons. He is bullying you and them.

You are no doubt exhausted, but you keep on going and you keep on trying, and meanwhile you're studying and raising your children. That takes a great deal of strength,just to get through the day when he is behaving as he does.

You are a strong woman, you're just a tired and confused woman right now, and that makes you forget how strong you actually are.

I once heard a saying and I've always remembered it. "A woman can do anything that she has to do" and I think it's very true.

Also are you on birth control? Would you know if he was doing anything more than pulling off your clothes as you slept? Just thinking that another pregnancy would be very convenient timing for him especially if he senses you pulling away. Be careful