Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

Dont mean to sound ungrateful because seeing that thread is useful in that I dont feel so alone.
And also dont want people to think I'm making excuses. ...but again the OP of that thread had supportive family. Her mum and step dad picked her up and took her away I'm sure they will help and look after children if need be. I dont know what age her children are. But 3 children of young age takes up all my time.
Also she is surrounded by supportive friends who are helping her.
She also has an estate agent looking for houses for her and will be able to get one based on her previous income and the fact she can get another job very quickly in new town due to the nature of her job
Very different situation for me and again support from family I feel like is a major thing and noone will understand how hard it is without unless they go trough it. Even just emotional support. No house to sell doesnt wsnt to stay where she is.
Also not sure where she is but think it could be England. Womens aid seems very different. They offered her a refuge. I feel like mine isntb as bad or urgent I've told then things and they've just offered to speak to me.
But anyway hopefully have a good chat with wa lady on Friday

Today he picked me up. He was cold with me on way home and barely spoke.
I was so tired I got around 3 hours sleep with my smallest and biggest child both up in the night. Hadnt eaten yet. Came home and was putting food on quickly and he was putting his hands down my pants and up my top despite me asking him not to. He was doing it this morning before I left to take kids to school too. Its just whenever he sees me. Then when I kept asking him not to he kept doing it then eventually said " why dont you want sex. Is it me. I bet you'd have sex with someone else. I cant stay in a relationship without sex if it Carrie's on a long time I'll end up going elsewhere which i dont want to do. Told me he is sad about it every day etc" cant remember everything he said but I told him I almost had a fear of sex now and I feel like I freeze when he starts getting frisky. I have alot on my mind went over things which are happening personally and that I get no sleep in exhausted etc. He said he gets it but will never understand fully as he would want sex whenever he also said its not just men some women want sex all the time. Same things we have been through so many times and jyst makes me feel rubbish after and not sure why. Feel like theres something wrong with me.

Didnt mean that to sound so mean she is inspirational and its lovely to see. I just sometimes think people compare my situation to others and think I should be doing things differently but everyones situation is different.

The OP of that thread’s “Darling Mother” is now currently trying to set up meetings between her, her ex and MIL for her to go home, so not so supportive.
Darling, you’re being raped and sexually and physically assaulted almost daily and laughed at and humiliated in front of your kids.
Your situation is dire.

Still got someone there and a place to go and help with kids etc. I get might not be the best support but better than nothing.

I just dont know where to go or what to do. Hopefully will be a bit of help on Friday

The only way you're going to extract yourself from this train wreck is to dig deep and be bold and make decisive moves. Think of your children being in the presence of the man who has raped their mother repeatedly. You're responsible over who is in their life influencing them whether that is positively or negatively. You're paralyzed with fear but you've got no choice you've got to get away from him.

The reason I suggested reading the other thread was so you could see how seriously that woman's situation was taken by WA. Please don't leave anything out especially the fact he pesters you & molests you when there's a child in the bed with you because you need them to know how bad it is in order for them to give you the help you need. Maybe email the lady from WA with a list of the things he does just in case you cant get the words out when you meet her in person. Whatever you do don't downplay what he does. You & your kids deserve so much better than this 💐

Before Friday please go through both of your threads and make a list of all the abuse you have shared on here. It sounds like you downplay the abuse whenever you contact WA, they can't help you if you don't tell them what's really going on.
I've been thinking about you and honestly my stomach goes into a knot every time you update. Your DH is a vile monster. You seriously need to get out of this relationship, do it for your children at least

That is a very good point. Point form with dates.

What a hideous thread.

You do need to read back and reflect on how you are constantly minimising this abuse and making excuses for him. It’s unfathomable. Bad enough if it was just you in the house, but there are three children growing up in the most vile environment.

Have I missed why he doesn’t work? What are the vans for if he is always at home.

You need to woman up and call the Police and report the rapes, for that is what they are. The Police will put him out of the house for you and that is the beginning of freedom.
No one else is going to do this for you, OP, you have to do it yourself. By staying you are enabling this disgusting creature. Keep a close eye on your children.
How in God’s name did he develop this sense of entitlement to your body? It makes me feel physically sick and I certainly would not be sleeping next to him.
I feel so sorry for your poor children seeing their mother being treated like this.

He does work. He was off for quite a while with lockdown etc but is back now. Sorry dont know where I said he doesnt work?
I'm sorry clearly theres something wrong with me. I read that thread and the lady on it seemed so clear and took action but I go back and forth I sometimes feel like it's me. He is being nice atm...maybe he was having a bad few weeks etc maybe I made him act like that. What I have done to him is just as bad. He is being so breat with kids last few weeks and I will be in a mess alone with the kids with no income. Will the kids have a better life if we stay together and he stays being nice...definitely. it will hurt the children. etc
These are the things going through my head.
Theb sometimes i think "I cant be around him I need to get out"

Clearly I'm completely fucked up and cant get my head straight. I dont know what is wrong with me or how to become clear and what to do for the best.
I just want my children to be happy. Thats it.

I think tomorrow could help more than you think, it's amazing how clear things can become when you're actually saying the words out loud to another person. And PP's are right, you need to tell WA everything you've detailed on this thread, please do that list and leave nothing out.

You're swinging the way you are because this is a bloody hard decision, yes it seems black and white to the outside observer but it's anything but when you're living it so you need to stop beating yourself up for finding it hard. You will get there, you just have to keep taking tiny steps forward for now until you're ready to make the big leap.

Let us know how it goes tomorrow, I'll be holding your hand even if it is virtually

It’s three days since he barged into you with his chest puffed out and hurt you, then laughed at your exclamation of pain, but “He’s being really great at the moment”????
Yesterday he was sexually assaulting you (yet again) and you were (again) telling him why you don’t like it.
You’ve only been getting three hours sleep because you use your children as a barricade to stop your husband from repeatedly raping you AND it doesn’t always work.
But he’s being nice at the moment.
Your standards aren’t very high, are they?

Your children seeing their Dad constantly molesting their Mum every hour of the day. Like you're his prostitute. It's absolutely disgusting.

You act like they're blind and deaf.

It's not when they are in the room elsbeth or they are asleep.
Probably my standards are low. But I also think I'm making it sound worse on here and I just worry. Maybe because I've been made to feel in the past like I'm making a big deal of things or things I think are abuse are actually normal.
Feeling fragile tonight and tbh these replies just make me want to cry. It's hard to explain
What I meant was he is great with the kids. He isnt insulting me he isnt shouting. The rest of the things he is doing he passes off as affection or jokes.
Feel really lost atm.
Anxious about tomorrow. Dont even know what this lady looks like.

You're not making it sound worse. It sounds bad because it is bad. His behaviour is appalling, and so far from normal that he's practically stratospheric.
You must be so exhausted and worried, but please please go and see the women's aid lady tomorrow. Don't cancel. It's a step forward.

things I think are abuse are actually normal
Tbh OP I think it's more the other way round. You've been posting on here for so many months and not once has anyone ever said to you - that's not abuse, that's not terrible. And I strongly suspect the reality is worse than you are really sharing.
Please go tomorrow, and tell her everything that's going on like you have on here. It will be OK. You can do it, we're all behind you.x

Lovie, the only person who is saying it’s maybe not that bad is you. Everyone else can see how bad things are and just how damaging, but we’re not living your life. From what you’ve posted, you’ve suffered abuse from an early age and that may have changed how your brain processes things which is a coping mechanism. If you’ve also spent years being told by different people that you’re the one with the problem, you’re the crazy one, you’re the abusive one etc then of course that’s how your going to think. You’re feeling confused and anxious because there’s a part of you that is still rejecting what you’re being told because instinctively you know it’s not right. You know it’s not right that he touches you when you have told him countless times not to. You know it’s not right when he barges into you. Every time you post something that people say is really abusive you come back with “well it’s not really that bad...I’ve maybe not put it across well”. I think that may be because you don’t want to accept how things really are. Are you happy? How long can you live with things as they are (assume he’s not going to change)? You need help my love, but I’m not sure if what you say to WA will give them an idea of just how extreme things are. You could show them this thread if you wanted. You’ll be feeling lost because your fight or flight response is constantly firing because your body knows things aren’t good but your brain pops up to say “it’s not that bad...it’s just a joke...if we had a sense of humour we wouldn’t be so moody...other women would think it funny”. Maybe even think of 4 or 5 main things to tell WA. I’m sure Mumsnetters could help you put something together. Don’t look at everything as one huge, insurmountable problem, just take things one step at a time.

Yeah they're in the West Wing whilst he's molesting you way over in the East Wing so they couldn't possibly be aware. They're "asleep" whilst he tries his best to finger you.

Come off it.

How long are you gonna pretend that they are blind? When they're 8?

10?

13?

Oh but he's "a great Dad".

You are failing them.

Darling, normalizing abuse is a coping mechanism. It is what makes abused women go back for more as well. It is how addicts go back to the drug that kills them. Please pay attention.

Good luck with WA today @Chickencuddle

Thinking of you today 💐

Thank you everyone. Trying to breath

Deep breaths and small steps. You can do this x

Good luck today OP, thinking of you. You can do this, be completely honest with her about everything that has happened and how you are feeling and remember she is there to help you.

This situation is not your fault and you are worth more than this. Try to think about how you would feel if one of your kids was in a relationship like this in the future and how you would feel about that.

Oh @Chickencuddle You are so much braver than you think!!! Just coming on here and talking to us all is huge for you. Admitting to yourself that what he’s doing isn’t acceptable or normal is huge for you. We are so proud of you!!!