Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

I understand why you feel, the way you do. I really do, because I felt the same when I left my first husband for much the same behaviour as your husband does to you.

BUT, I still have to say this to you.

Someone who loves you does NOT behave the way he does.

Honestly. Really.

That is not love. It's control, abuse, coercion, domination, bullying, rape.

Not love.

I'm so sorry chicken but every time you think that he is the one person to love you, you need to remind yourself that he categorically is not. He does not 'love' you in the way you understand love to be. He does not put your needs and wants and wishes before his own. He does not. You tell yourself that he loves you, but he shows you every day that this is not the case. His version of 'love' is a warped one. Your view of love is shaped by your childhood. He is your constant, but that doesn't mean he's a good presence in your life. He and you both use the word 'love' for the wrong thing, and I'm so sorry.

Don't doubt yourself in any way - when he arrives home to an empty house it will be everything he deserves and he will have brought every ounce of guilt and pain he feels at that moment on himself. I hope he feels even a little bit of what you feel every time he shoves his fingers inside you when you've said no, or tries to pull your underwear off while your small child lies next to you. I hope he feels exactly how he deserves to feel, and that he realises it's all his own doing.

OP your experience of love is not real love - it’s control. You will find real love that makes you feel you can fly always and float about and be happy.
Of course he’ll be devastated because he’ll have to start again by tricking someone into his net of domination - once you get away you’ll slowly be able to see it- he can control his future, his behaviour, how his life pans out BUT your kids can’t- you have to free them and leave him so that they can grow in safety and develop themselves without fear

@billy1966 very well said

Save your pity for your innocent children

This man is vile

You MUST GO NO CONTACT WITH HIM

He will try to continue to abuse you

Please ask WA about the best way to do so - through a solicitor ?

I know ladies on here recommended some good solicitors before
P m me if you want details

Your free happy life is about to start and your kids will be safe and NOT ABUSED

OP don’t kid yourself that he will be devastated when he returns home and find you gone. He will be boiling with rage instead, because his dinner won’t be on the table and because you had the audacity to defy him. He will immediately start thinking of ways to find you and punish you.

He is a bully and a control freak. He won’t crumple into a small heap and start crying, so don’t let that thought upset you.

OP don’t kid yourself that he will be devastated when he returns home and find you gone. He will be boiling with rage

Yes came on here to say this same. Him being devastated, hurt and sad doesn't tally with your original fears of his entire family being turned against you and hating you for daring to leave does it? I think it's fine to feel sad Chicken, of course, but realise that you're romanticising him and your relationship while you're doing it. It's not real. Keep the focus on your DCs and what you need to do. You absolutely can do it. And given you have no friends or family you can call on I'd absolutely take Dublingirl & her kind offer of help seriously, it might be that extra pair of hands you really need x

Yes @Chickencuddle
More than happy to help
Plenty of space in my jeep

Been there and really had very few to help
The first time we fled a lady on the Siri plane came to me and could see I was distressed
She helped me with everything and stayed with me as we got off the plane
I will never forget the kindness
And I always said I would pass it forward

Anything at all (even if it is just sourcing info please do ask )

Thank you dublin girl. The reason I'm hesitant to accept the offer is because I really want to make sure the kids are as comfortable as possible. I know it could be worrying for them and if a stranger is there helping me I just feel like this could actually make things more scary for them. Not you yourself dublingirl. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Sorry forgot to say that is extremely kind thank you so much. You have been here supporting since the beginning so thank you xx

He has been fone today. No grabbing of my stomach at all. Being nice. Etc only thing if I'm picky is the kids screaming before and he shouted for them to stop and if they carried they would be put outside. I said " you cant put them outside in the dark and cold" he said he would. But the kids went quiet straight away.
I do find that when he is off I automatically dont do anything that could end up messy with the kids like painting etc and just make things as peaceful as possible. Kids are on best behaviour too.

That isn't being picky at all.

That's a cruel and threatening thing for him to say to the DC. A few nights ago, he threw their beloved toys outside into the dark and cold as punishment. They're small and had no control over that, for all they know, the logical next step is that he'll do the same to them.

Also the fact they went quiet straight away means they thought it was quite possible that he would carry through the threat.

I know someone who tries to get her children to behave by using over the top threats - be quiet and sit down or the bus driver will make you get off the bus etc. She's wasting her breath, because the kids continue to play up - they know they won't be thrown off the bus in a million years, so they certainly wouldn't be quiet right away.

I honestly think the kids are more scared and wary of him than you realise, but it's probably one of those things that you won't realise how much so, until you get them away and then see the difference in them after a while

Oh OP that isnt being fine he threatened to put them outside for just being kids and they were so scared they went quiet.

Once you do leave please access all the support you can for them they are going to need it

You're right they definitely believed him. They weren't even screaming loudly. It was more happy squeals.
I definitely notice a difference with them on days he is here. Mostly on their best behaviour. He notices too. He will say things like "she would never do that for you straight away but look...asked once and she has done it straight away" things like that.
It's harder to think of leaving when he is being ok. Would normally have grabbed my stomach 5-6 times so far. Lay on top of me. Sexual comments etc. But nothing apart from smacking my bum a few times before and I told him to stop so he did but then literally 20 seconds later did it twice more. I dont mind a tap tbh but it's a smack and ds has started smacking my bum and dds bum so I'm trying to nip it in the bud.

He isnt being ok though OP he has I think sensed that you are pulling away so he has switched his targets to your children and seems to be escalating with them - look at how much he has done with them to tonight threatening to put them outside (which is child abuse OP plain and simple)

and he has smacked you a few times again after you said stop

They shouldn't be on their best behaviour for him though. In my experience, children are usually on their best behaviour outside of the house, with people they don't know as well. At home, these apparent angels are then likely to be total rascals who have their parents tearing their hair out. Because they feel secure at home with their parents, they know they are safe and if they're worried, cross, in a bad mood, out it all comes when they're in their safe place. I'm not saying children should be horrible to their parents and lovely to everyone else of course, but I find it telling that they're so very careful to behave around him, even though it's a losing battle because he picks fault and punishes them anyway.

It's not good behaviour really is it, they're on their guard, and children shouldn't feel like they need to be on their guard around their parents.

They believed him.

They were right to do so.

He terrorises them.

They are nervous around him.

And he is proud of that.

He is proud of his children being very nervous of him.

Threatening to throw them out into the night, is child abuse.

If I heard a child saying that their father threatened that, I would report it.

I am mandated, like lots of other parents, through volunteering at my youngest child's school, to report the type of incidents that you write about.

Believe me, if she ever speaks to someone about the way your husband treats her, it will rightly be reported.

Thank you I need to hear this because although it feels wrong to me I just worry that it's me being petty or I'm in the wrong. Or it isnt that bad or I'm making a big deal. I think as well because I have spoken to friends about past behaviours sometimes and it has been dismissed.

Years ago I knew a family and both the parents were overly strict with their DC, quite brutal in fact. The children would jump to the parents command immediately doing jobs they were told to do, some quite difficult for children 5 and 7.

The parents said some people said how well behaved their DC were but the school head had warned them their eldest had behavioural problems. They weren’t happy at all about the advice and said the head was wrong, as they could only see how compliant their DC were. They changed their DC’s school.

Other people in the group had seen how the DC completely ignored other adults. Once the DC were asked to move away from a newborn baby while they were tossing a ball in the middle of adults sitting in a semi circle. They just looked blankly at the adult and carried on. Even when other adults they knew well asked them to just move away a few feet, they continued to throw their ball back and forth to each other. It was odd to see, the parents weren’t there at the time and had dropped the boys off while they picked up things from a nearby shop.

Your DS hitting you on your bum appears to be following his father. Your DD has no voice just like you Chickencuddle.

Your dd has a higher chance of being in an abusive relationship and your ds, hopefully not, but his role model of the same sex is an abuser.

Never doubt yourself,. You are doing the right thing to protect your dc by leaving as soon as you are able.

Your children do what he says because they are terrified of his reaction if they don't.
Why do you keep making excuses for his behaviour to you, and your children?
He's a cunt. An abusive, rapist, bullying, coercive cunt.

Just stop making excuses for his appalling behaviour, get out asap and honestly? You should have called the PSNI a about him a long time ago.

I have huge sympathy for your situation but this latest round of posts about how he might feel? No.
What about how your poor, terrorised children feel every second of every day, having to put up with being terrorised by him, while you angst over how "poor him" feels?

Stop this , Protect your children and get out asap

Yes catmaiden I intend to. It does not mean that I cannot feel guilty about it. I feel like leaving is the right thig for the children so I am doing it. But I still feel guilty. I feel for myself children constantly. But I am doing something to try and help them. I was merely expressing how I feel. It is possible to feel more than one emotion for more than one person at once.

I feel many different feelings for him
Love. Anger. Sadness. Pity. Frustration. Worried. Guilt. Scared.
I was expressing how I felt in that moment but will keep it to myself in future maybe i am using this thread too much and should just update when really necessary.

And just to add. The love I feel for my children and the sadness and worry I feel for them outweighs everything which is why I will still be leaving no matter how I feel.

No, I wasn't wanting you to stop posting and expression how you feel.

This is your thread, to post whatever you want. I'm sorry that I made you feel inhibited about posting.
I apologise, and please post what ever you want.