Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

I will be telling them everything dont worry.
Worrying about telling kids though. So plan is to say to them we are going away for a bit just the four of us. Make it sound exciting. But I know my dd will have so many questions and I dont know how to answer them. She will ask why daddy isnt coming and how long and where is it and why.
Then answers will lead to more questions.
What do I tell then for why daddy isnt coming?
Husband arrived home early as getting kids to hed. I got ds to bed while both dds coloured together. Then got dd to bed and dd2 was watching peppa pig. He brought her up crying saying she needed me and left her kicking and screaming in our room on our bed which is quite high. Luckily dd was ok with me leaving her to go deal with dd2. But just annoys me he left her crying and screaming and jyst walked downstairs to watch TV. I know that's such a small thing in the grand scheme of things but I'm just feeling angry atm so the little things are annoying me.
H

Forgot to log this the other day because of the shit hitting the fan in the evening...but it might be nothing. But I'm going to log it because it made me feel a little bit meh and just incase seeing as I clearly havnt got a clue
So he kids have a portable dvd player we have had for ages but not used in years. We got it out of storage and he kids are loving making dens and watching a movie in it..but we dont have many movies that actually work as they are all scratched (we had this when ds was a baby and dd was around 3 and they used to open them all and chuck them about) so anyway loads scratched. Loads missing. Loads they have outgrown. Left with a few ok ones. So last week I ordered 4 films for £9 including delivery. Ones I knew they would like and watch together. They unfortunately arrived when DH was here. He was asking me why I got them. I explained. He said we had loads. I again explained they were scratched etc. He kept going on about it. Told me not to buy any more etc etc.
Then I had to go pick up the kids school work from outside the school. It's a 5 minute drive. So 10 minutes in total. The kids wanted to play with slime but DH was like " no we are going to get all your dvds out and see what you have"
Came back to them with the dvds spread out on the floor and checking each one on the dvd player. He would get the picture up and be like "see mummy that one works. See!"
I said yes but they skip halfway through and freeze etc. But he just ignored me and would do the same with the next. Dd was like " mummy you didnt need to get those dvds daddy says we have loads."
That was it and it sounds petty but just felt like him doing that with the kids was making a point or something
(Also not that it really matters but he played one of the so called dvds for them that evening and it froze after 20 minutes and he had to take it out and watch something on TV instead.)

Who the fuck does that? I genuinely believe this man has some kind of psychiatric disorder.

He’s a lunatic. He is utterly obsessed with everything you do. Or a way you put you down. Imagine being so bothered about £9 but he was willing to try and take £££££ in loans out and buy new vans he didn’t need?? Thank god that didn’t happen in the end. Keep thinking of everything, keep thinking of your daughters note. It will get you through. Regarding the kids do what you said, then when you get there explain your going to see what it’s like not living with daddy for a little bit because you don’t like how he treats you and them. That’s as much as you need to say to them. I think you will see a huge change in them for the best just being in a safe place where his moods can’t affect them. The longer he’s around, the more of their childhood he’s going to take xxx

He just has to be in the right, and put you in the wrong all the time, doesn't he? He just wants to undermine and wrong foot you, constantly. Prick.

Completely agree, he looks for ways to control everything, comment on everything you do and undermine you. There was no need for him to create such a drama about you buying some new dvds, he just wants to control things and cause trouble

And notice your DD placating him and smoothing things over. As she's had to learn, due to his abuse. Just like you have to. So wrong.

Control!!!!

As soon as I read "it might be nothing" in your post, of course it isn't going to be nothing. And the fact that you write "unfortunately it arrived when DH was here" - I bet your heart sank, because you knew what was coming. It goes to show his behaviour isn't a one off, presumably anytime you do anything independently he doesn't like it. Even £9 dvds he wants to be in charge, make the decision himself, because he must be in control. It's not normal behaviour.

Telling the kids - I think split into 2, in your head:

1. Getting to refuge - here, frankly, you just need to facilitate getting packed up, get there fast, easily, no tears no drama, so you tell them what you need to, to make that happen. Going on an adventure, exciting trip, quick answers to things like "why isn't daddy coming" "well he's at work, oh look is that xyz" Just get there.
2. At refuge. Then you can breathe, you have time and you can explain a bit more, as Sassy says above and PP suggestions and WA advice etc.

They are so small, they will be so adaptable and as long as you're with them they will be fine.

Hi I've not posted before @Chickencuddle but have read your posts these past few weeks and wanted to send you a huge hug.

I recognise you as me 6 years ago. Please know as I read your thoughts I'm thinking, yes you are doing amazing. I feel your pain as I remember mine and the detail you are capturing here will help you so so much in the weeks and years ahead.

You at finding the right careful actions and in amongst all the mess of feelings, and are being extremely strong.

Keep your guard up lovely lady. As your thoughts get braver check yourself, let nothing slip.

Bring your horizon in really close, concentrate on being ready to go and rehearse it in every detail and do it in the right order. Double check your mental lists, rehearse. It will help you as the real moment arises.

I totally understand how the little things don't seem enough but you're going to realise soon how wise you are, and right you are. Good luck dear @Chickencuddle and my heart is with you.

Hank you nooz. I feel like my head is constantly compiling lists but I keep forgetting things.
I've kept the note in a sock at the back of my drawer. I do keep thinking of it.
Everyone seems much better today than yesterday. Happy and playing as normal. Makes me so sad to think about how dd especially must have felt inside yesterday even if she wasnt able to verbalize it.

I'm less than two drive away with a large 4x4 in if you need a lift

Can you ask someone to take the pets short term?
Then you get them back with more secure accommodation

Hes a controlling Bully even the kids are walking on egg shells around him. your poor dd, his treatment of her is disgusting.Not long now though op freedom is on the horizon i will be keeping everything crossed for you for good news on Monday. As for what to tell the kids, keep it simple like you said about going on an adventure like you said im guessing they will be thrilled , i know your worried about uprooting them but they will be ok, they have you and you are all they need. Sending you a big hug and positive vibes for monday. X

Thanks dublin girl thats very kind I'll consider it if I cant take the car.
I dont know about them being thrilled. I think they will miss him. He is bad a small percent of the time I think
Feeling so sad today. Dont want to do this bt know I have to.

No, he is bad virtually ALL the time , but he has controlled and bullied you and ground you down to the point you can't see it happening, even in front of you.
And that is what abusers do!
It isn't you. It is ALL him. Prick.

What a very kind offer @dublingirl66, especially as it is so close by to the OP.

I feel for you
Been there

I had to take a plane
I was in such a state I had forgot to bring the baby bottle and milk
It was awful
But my sister pulling up to the airport was the best thing ever

You got this !!!

In many ways I do think you are very strong
Very compassionate

Abusers go for these types sadly

Hi @Chickencuddle , I've been off site for a while, just catching up.

Just to say that you do stand up to him, respond all the time when he does the sexual stuff. You say no. Grabbing you is violence and especially when you've said no already.

Everyone else has probably said all there is to say. You are all being abused by him and your kids are showing you that. You sound like a great mum BTW.

Wishing you a good 2021. I look forward to seeing you escape one way or another. xxxxx

Im sorry you are feeling sad, you are going to go through periods of feeling like that as well as angry and a whole range of other emotions too op but your doing this for a good reason and you will be ok. The kids will be ok yes they may miss him a little bit but i bet you itl be nothing to the relief they will feel not having to constantly walk on egg shells waiting for the next outburst from him. They and you deserve a life of happiness free from abuse and oppression try and remember that when your having a wobbly moment and your bound to have them its natural. Your doing this so you and your babies can have a better life. Hang in there you are amazingly courageous and you've got this. X

I'm thinking of you @Chickencuddle you know you're doing the right thing. Stay strong and give your DC and yourself a better life.

I feel really guilty too. It's easier to think of leaving when something happens but the more time that passes in between incidents it makes me feel really bad for what I'm going to do to him and how he will feel. He will be devastated and I feel awful for that. Like I'm a horrible terrible person for doing this.
So much guilt.

But there never seems to be much time between incidents recently. A few days at most if you're lucky.

You could also help yourself feel less guilty by considering the number of incidents over all. There've beeen loads.

There will always be another incident, always. I actually think you should go and read both of your threads back from the beginning. Get a page and make a dot for every time you post about him doing something to you, and an x for every time you have posted about him doing something to the kids. Then see how many you have - and I bet the ones you've written here aren't the only ones. Consider that over nine months, which is about 270 days. Even one of the incidents you've posted about is one too many for 270 days, by the way-for a lifetime actually - and of course you haven't posted here every day and have had gaps of weeks where you haven't posted at all.

OP,

I mean this kindly, but I really think you should try to keep your mind and sympathy for your clearly traumatised children.

Your children are in a shockingly abusive home.

Your daughter is bullied by your pig of a husband.
Your youngest is in the bed with you half the time, as he tries to sexually assault you.

Yet somehow you constantly return to feeling sorry for the rapist who emotionally abuses and terrorises your daughter.

I think it would help you and your children more to keep your focus on your children and how they feel.

Focus on them growing into adults with the huge burden of this toxic childhood on their shoulders.

You have a very sad, scared little daughter and an unnaturally quiet little boy.

Save your pity for them.

They actually deserve it.

NOT their pig of a father.

Oh OP, I understand it must be difficult for you with lots of mixed emotions but I agree with the post above, there seems to be things happening all of the time and also look back over what has happened since you started posting! So much has happened this past 10 months and who knows what else before then!

Also, you are feeling guilty when you are not doing anything wrong! He doesn’t even feel guilty about all his abuse of you and the kids! I think now is the time for you to be ‘selfish’ if you need to think of it that way (though you aren’t selfish in the slightest) You need to put yourself first for once, because it’s for the good of you and your children. You’re worrying too much about hurting someone who doesn’t respect you, abuses you and the kids and only cares about himself.

Of course I feel sad and guilty and worried about the kids. All the time. Every minute of the day. I hate that they are in a position I was adamant they would never ever be in. I think I will always feel guilty about that.
But I can feel more than one thing at once. And the guilt I feel about him is being mentioned because it is going to be a result of me leaving and that's what's on my mind right now. I'm still going to leave. But I just keep thinking of him having no idea and coming home to find us gone. I still care about him alot. He is all I've known really for my whole adult life and a bit before that too. He has been the one person to be there always. The one person to love me. So yes I know I have to leave. But I do feel bad about the effect that will have on him too.