Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

Remember you are in a fog of thoughts and feelings @Chickencuddle but still doing amazing to be planning and acting carefully. Huge respect and words of support to you x

I reassure you that your inability to see your abuse as 'enough' abuse is totally normal, your self-doubt totally understandable, your feelings of making a fuss are all symptoms of just how right you actually are.

Hang onto that paradox - and the people here who've been there are here telling you you're doing the right thing.

The relentless atmosphere will bring your present doubt, and this is a normal coping mechanism that you can't avoid under abuse and this leaves you literally unable to see what, to us outside your situation, is so so clear.

The first call I ever made to a help line - when my life sounded like yours - I began the call by saying I didn't know if I was in an abusive relationship. Honestly I didn't know, your post about not being sure was me to a word. I was so so so wrong.

One day you will be able to see clearly, but don't expect to see the extent now. It wouldn't be safe to. This is your time to prepared and sensible for your children. Questions and analysis later.

Your sock of safely made me smile.

So so much respect, he'll be ok, he'll be happier too @Chickencuddle it'll take time for you all but this is a horrible space for him too that he's locked in and you're taking all of you in the right direction x

I think the love you have for your children is obvious. They will thank you so much one day for taking them away from this man. My father was a tyrant to me and my siblings, we were all terrified of him and I've never forgiven him

Good luck today dear lady.

I'm sorry of I over reacted last night
Was tired and emotional. Sorry.

Thanks everyone
Nooz just formulating a plan with sw today. (Hopefully)

Oh CHicken you have no need to apologise - this isnt going to be easy for you and you are going to experience different emotions. We are here to support you with this decision and help you when you do waver. Wavering is normal you have been with this man for most of your adult life and you love him.

I got a message off sw and she told me the refuge had a place. I phoned and they asked when to expect me. I asked to go on friday as he is working far away from me so cant walk in on me while packing but he actually is working in the area of the refuge. So that's a bit scary but not much I can do.
Im freaking out a bit.
So scared. Am I doing the right thing. The shit is going to hit the fan. Is this right to do this. Is there a better way. Those thoughts in my head but I'm still doing it because I know if I dont I remain stuck and I cant let the children experience any more than they have to.
When I get there me and he kids have to spend 48 hours in one room. Isolated. Due to covid. So that's going to be hard. But taking toys and games and we will be fine.
Worried about school for the kids. Worried about college (although not as much)

YES YES YES!!!!! Oh I'm so pleased for you OP, this news has made my day!
I think it would do you good to read back over your old posts. Take a deep breath and read it all back. And think to yourself - if this was your daughter, with three little grandchildren of yours, if she had posted this about her husband, what would you be telling her? You'd tell her to go, go to the refuge and start the rest of her life.
You can do it OP, we're all behind you, every step.

That is great news OP

And its normal to feel that way - please use this as a way of getting those feelings out so you can be reassured it is the right thing

What fantastic news OP! So proud of you. You can do this - you’re an amazing mum and you’re devoted to your babies’ needs, and this is what they need.

Once you’re out and safe, make sure you block him on your phone so he can’t harass you.

Yes OP!!
Whooping in my kitchen for you.

Keep those thoughts rolling, I can't express how much your sharing here will bring you healing later, is so important now.

Big big respect to you.

Many thoughts to share, I'll keep it to stay sharp x

Congratulations! Good luck for Friday. You can do this!

Oh that is wonderful news! Yes of course you will feel worried , anxious etc, but you know you are doing the right thing for you and your children by going to the refuge

Wonderful news and a wonderful opportunity for your children and yourself for a better future.

I dont know if I'm doing the right thing. She asked me what kind of abuse I suffered and I could only think sexual. That's it. I'm struggling now I feel like I'm making a big mistake but at the same time I have to go so I will go but scared it's going to cause an huge explosion and it's hard to actually think of what has happened. What if it's my fault. I dont know I'm just confused and scared I think

Good woman yourself.

I've a wee tear in my eye

Remember when you're at the refuge if you're struggling to talk or explain the abuse you can show them this thread

Amazing op well done!! He’s not not sexual he’s also extremely controlling of you and your kids remember that to tell them, but sexual is more than enough. You are defiantly doing the right thing. Kids aren’t going to be back to school until March time logically so don’t stress you have plenty of time to sort that, for now just get out. Sadly with a man like him this is the only way, if you told him it was over he wouldn’t say okay and move out would he? No he would claw his way back in and get you back then make your life even more hell. Honestly so many people who get back with their abusive husbands get treated even worse because they are punished for attempting to leave. Go and never look back, your doing this right thing, hundreds of women who have followed this from the start would vouch for that, not one person would say no. I am so so excited for you and your children, I know at first it will be strange but honestly this will be the making of your new little family xxxx

Sorry that’s meant to say ‘he’s not just sexual’

Op i had been thinking of you today so thought id pop on and see how you were doing. Im so delighted to hear you got a place in the refuge:) wobbly moments are natual and of course its ao scary but your doing amazing! Just keep reminding yourself why your doing this. Its much more than sexual tho that is a huge part of it. I would say emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, intimidation all of that comes into it but you are almost there come Friday you will be on your way to a happy and free life for you and the children. Keep going were all rooting for you. Xx

@Chickencuddle

I dont know if I'm doing the right thing. She asked me what kind of abuse I suffered and I could only think sexual. That's it. I'm struggling now I feel like I'm making a big mistake but at the same time I have to go so I will go but scared it's going to cause an huge explosion and it's hard to actually think of what has happened. What if it's my fault. I dont know I'm just confused and scared I think

It's not your fault. It is his fault.

He abuses you and the children:

He's raped you
He's sexually assaulted you repeatedly both alone and in front of the children
He's controlling, he monitors what you do, who you phone, what you spend your money on.
He repeatedly loses his temper with your DC, threatens then and punishes them unreasonably.

I think that's a summary you can start with, and as PP suggested you can show them this thread and your previous one (click show all OP posts) so they can read specific examples.

It's bound to be scary Chicken but you are doing the right thing, you are.x

Glad to hear you have a refuge place OP, so pleased for you but I understand how scary it must all feel now it’s actually happening.

Things are definitely not your fault! No one deserves to be abused and he is sexually and emotionally abusing you. Your support worker will be able to support you with how you are feeling about the move too and they will give you lots of support when you arrive, you won’t just be left to figure things out alone.

Look back over what you have posted in these threads, there is lots of sexual and emotional abuse that is going on. I guess you need to keep reminding yourself of all that has gone on and that will help you confirm your decision to leave. You deserve better than this life OP and so do your kids, keep that in your mind. Also think about how you would feel if your children were in a relationship like this. What your advice be to them?

He lies on top of you, physically restraining you.
He slaps you.

Bites you.

Grabs your stomach.

Despite being asked repeatedly not to.

He rapes you and sexually assaults you daily.

He emotionally abuses your children.

He physically, emotionally and sexually abuses you.

He kicks you, bites you, slaps you, shoves you.
He rapes and/or sexually assults you on a daily basis

He touches you in a sexual way and makes sexual comments and innuendos in earshot and sight of the children.
He constantly undermines you in front of the children.
He is a controlling, coercive, sexually physically and emotionally abusive father and husband.

I agree with all the above. I also think that because you have never seen how a functional normal partnership/relationship works you have no benchmark for how he is. You have normalised so much of what he does you cant see it as abuse but you and your children are living in an incredibly abusive controlling environment and he does know exactly what he is doing. Leaving will break the cycle.

When you arrive please tell them everything not matter how trivial you think it is so they can protect you all