@Chickencuddle Hi. I’ve just spent this morning reading this full thread from start to finish and whilst I’d usually feel I had little of value to add to something like this I couldn’t possibly not contact you after reading all of your posts.
You absolutely SHINE out as a mother. I’m truly gob-smacked by what a nurturing, thoughtful parent you sound. I would honestly give my eye teeth to be as patient, supportive and good a mother as you are to your children. Given your own awful childhood this is even more incredible that you must just naturally have this in you.
Perhaps it’s for the same reason that you’ve put up with so much taunting, abuse and bullying yourself, in a desire to protect your children from the ‘dysfunction’ and trauma of upending their lives? I can hear in your posts how deeply and fiercely you care for them and how badly you want them to have stability & consistency. I think you’re worried you’ll blame yourself if you uproot them etc?
I’ve never been through what you’re going through, but did put up with an unhappy marriage to a tightly-controlling, easily-angered exH for many years due to my own guilt at the thoughts of tearing my children’s lives apart- the thought of it used to physically paralyse me with guilt and fear. As a result, I was on eggshells, the kids were on eggshells, I was deeply clinically depressed, the kids were quite anxious, and I was constantly playing ‘peacemaker’. I thought that’s what I had to do as their mother to make things ok. Eventually I just couldn’t continue. I don’t know what gave me the final push to end it but getting the words out and taking action to end the marriage was the scariest but bravest thing I’ve ever done. In my case, there wasn’t tangible abuse so I didn’t explore refuges, and my ex took it fairly ok until one night when he’d been drinking and started punching windows and trashing the house- blood everywhere, threatening me... urgh. And STILL I didn’t throw him out. But the next day I secretly got all our passports/bank statements etc to my car for safe keeping, rang a solicitor & instigated divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
Anyway, that’s a separate story and I know you’re in a much more tricky situation. But I guess the parallel I can see here is that it’s your deep worry and guilt about your children that’s been holding you back from being free of him. I can TOTALLY identify with that, and can understand that. It’s because you’re desperate to avoid hurting them and causing them any trauma.
It’s only now that I’m 3 years down the line and have a calm quiet safe home and happy, secure and more relaxed children that I can see that upheaval for them was worth it, as it was actually traumatising them being in such a conflict-filled house previously. Don’t get me wrong- the initial shock was hard for them and I’ve had extensive therapy to deal with my guilt around that, but I’m starting to see that I did it for the right reasons and I’m starting to see that they’re flourishing now as a result. They still go to their dads but luckily he has a new partner who keeps his temper in check and mediates between them and is a good influence. And when they’re here they know they’re safe, calm & secure. My son (10) said to me the other day as he was going to bed: “we can’t misbehave at daddy’s but I feel happy here and like I can be myself which is why we’re sometimes a bit naughty”. I told him I took that as the highest complement (and I meant it).
Ultimately, all your DC’s need is your constancy, warmth and security. As they grow they’ll thank you for your strength and unconditional love, and will understand why you had to leave to create a calmer home for all concerned.
I wish you all the very best and I’m certain you can do this. You’ve really got your head screwed on despite almost intolerable circumstances & no support. I’m genuinely in awe of you. 