Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

I remember my abusive bastard told me I couldn't bring up some of the attacks on me as I didn't speak up at the time
I believed him
I listened to every word he said

Now looking back I think wtaf

We let them away with so much sometimes

He is vile
If this was a fair world he would be removed from the house
He would pay for his crimes and you would get to stay in the house

Poor kids 😢😢😢😢

Oh chicken he knows - why do you think he says he was just joking at the end? Because he knows he shouldnt be doing it and is giving himself a get out by saying he didnt mean to because he was joking.

If he thought it was acceptable he would never claim he was joking.

and when you stopped he didnt

Can you show me one example from one poster (and there are many of us) that have said anything that backs up that you are at fault and he isnt abusive. Because there isnt one. Not one single poster has said anything other than how horrific and abusive he is.

And that is rare OP - very few threads have that. Very few are as overwhelming on your side as we are.

My 8 year old DS got upset that DD accidentally hit him he kicked her. His response was to cry and get upset and say sorry over and over again. Why? Because he knew it wasnt right to kick someone he knew it wasnt acceptable.

Is he utterly stupid?

I mean you feel he doesn’t know what he’s doing is wrong. But you’re constantly telling him to stop and that he’s hurting you and you don’t like it. You’ve explained you can’t face sex and you don’t want him touching you in front of your DC but he does. And your DC aren’t stupid they can see what’s happening.

Would you accept it if your DC bit and grabbed one of their classmates at school and continued to do so when child responds in distress and tells them to stop.

You’d stop on being told to stop you wouldn’t bite and grab and hurt your H when you could see the actions were causing him distress.

Why do you think your H understands so little?

Think about the sexual abuse you have been through at his hands. You know this isn’t right.
Now, think about this as an extension of that. It’s about consent, if you were teaching your children you would say that at any point during sex you can say no and no means no.

It’s the same with these other things, he may have bitten you for years, you may have hated it and let it happen, but now you are doing something about it. Taking charge of your own body. You say no, he doesn’t accept it, you say no again he still doesn’t accept it. If you carried on saying no, if you pleaded and begged with him, what would he do? Could you say that he would stop?

Going back to my current partner. At the beginning of our relationship he used to tickle me, I’m very ticklish and it invokes some unpleasant memories in my past. I hated it, it went on for a year before I brought it up. When I did he stopped, hasn’t done it since (12 years).

Have you heard any more from the SW?

If you are doubting yourself, go back and look at previous posts and messages. I get that you feel you think we are making a bigger deal out of it, but we aren’t I promise and women’s aid agreed. It’s just become normal to you, it’s obvious to us that it isn’t.

How are things at the moment? How are you?

I'm ok thanks. Things have been ok he was at work all day yesterday and day before and he slept in other room as dd has a cold and wouldnt settle in cot and ended up in our bed.
He is off tomorrow. I dont know how I want him to act as when he is nice I doubt everything and it makes things really hard to see clearly. Just will keep thinking back to the last thing which really made me want to go which was him touching me while ds was at side of bed and not stopping. Try to keep thinking of that and other times that stick in my head...but that's the most recent

Oh chicken im sorry that you are still going through this :( you have come a long way since you first started your first thread. your eyes are opening more and more, your taking steps to get free, you are so brave and the love you have for your children is so clear in every single post. Hold on to that, remember your daughter saying she doesn't have a voice, keep reading back over your words here every time you doubt yourself. Keep going your doing so well. xx

Agree with everything @Shutupyoutart has just said. You amazing and doing so well.

I remember these feelings so well. When my ex was sober he was okay, now looking back he wasn’t, he was still very abusive, but at the time I thought he was because when he was drinking it was much worse. Narcissists mix it up like this in order to keep you confused, and it is very, very confusing. For me it took a new friend to keep pointing things out and questioning them (like everyone is doing on here for you) before it clicked.

You will be safe soon and will look back on this and see it completely differently. Just keep doing what you are doing bit by bit, come on here if you are wobbling, we are all here for you. I hope they get in touch soon for you.

Tonight has been a nightmare. I dont have much time but will try and log as much as possible
This morning dd2 asked me something and husband and I went to answer at the same time. He then grabbed my stomach again as he does but really hard. Left me rubbing it after and I said ow. But around kids sont want to make a big deal. Annoys me how many times I tell him I hate this but he continues
This evening- I'm doing college online so husband has the kids. I told him ds needed a bath. Dd had a shower this morning.
Dd came down upset as she said husband had told her she could have a bath but then there was no hot water after ds had his. I gave her a hug and told her she can have one tomorrow. She said he promised was upset I told her these things happen but we can have one tomorrow. Gave her a cuddle. She was ok but still a bit weepy.
Husband then comes in telking her to go upstairs. Shes crying and saying she wants to stay with me. DH then says he is going to throw a new toy she got at christmas outside of she doesnt go up now. (It was electrical I said he couldnt do that and he counted down from 4 with dd wailing then he opened he back door and threw this electronic teddy outside.
Then he counted down again I asked him to stop just gove her a minute to calm down she was wailing and beside herself but he wouldnt and through out another electronic toy into the garden. He then said to her that it was forcast to rain so they would be broken in the morning. I said it wasnt fair and I was going to go out and get them when everyone had calmed down. He was saying all sorts but one thing which hurt dd was he said "why cant you just be a loving daughter"
She was so upset. I eventually managed to get home to take ds upstairs so dd could calm down. I gave her some colouring to do and we had a hug and she was ok but she said it's always like this when you're not here mummy.
Have to go. There is more I will add later

Aww your poor DD, so sorry to hear this OP. How awful for you all and very telling she said it’s always like that when you aren’t there. You all need to get away from him as soon as you can

"why can't you be a loving daughter" = "why won't you just do as I demand, as soon as I order you to"
Same as with you, why can't you just submit uncomplainingly to his abuse, rapes, coercion.

In his mind, he is the boss of all of you, and the only thing that matters is what HE wants.
Vile prick. Your poor DD, and the rest of you.

Is there a pattern of your DS being given better treatment, I wonder.

@Catmaiden
He definitely always seems to persecute the daughter

Completely agree with Catmaiden, he wants to be in control of everyone and everything in your home and wants everything down to his needs and wants. It’s never going to get any better

This is horrible but I think this is what you needed from her. She’s telling you what he’s like when your not there. She’s telling you what the kids really think of him. She’s telling you as her mother because she wants you to change it, which you will! Not long now OP any word from WA xx

More stories of your children being terrorised in their home.

You have a choice about leaving.

Your poor crying, clingy, emotionally disturbed children have no choice.

They just silently suffer in confusion.

God knows the trauma they will live with for the rest of their lives.

4 children here OP. Children crying regularly, clingy, and constantly wanting mummy and playing up are all the hall marks of trauma.

Your children are living in a powder keg, being terrorised by this man.

God help them.
Ultimately it is their future that will be sacrificed at the alter of this marriage.

By all means continue to wonder if it really is so bad....etc.etc. etc.....but be assured your children will not be conflicted...they will be trying to live their lives, completely overshadowed with the memories of the daily traumas of their childhood.

God almighty OP you are a F**g Saint, albeit a broken one you poor poor thing. You have been so badly abused for so long, you don’t trust your own instincts anymore and your first reaction is that it’s you not them. ITS HIM HES DESTROYING YOUR DCs NOW- you have to leave! The what about this and that which you worry about on here won’t matter if you stay as he will kill you! He is like a cat slowly killing a mouse ( you). JUST DO IT you have to go. I’m so angry for your situation I am sending Loads of strength to you. Remember no attention and being alone is way way better than bad attention - you will wobble as you realise you can stand on your own 2 feet then fly

Agree with other PP, I’m so sorry, that’s so awful for you and the kids. Also I think the older the kids get, the more they talk and try and defend themselves because they know it’s unfair (kids are so perceptive) and then the angrier and harsher he will get. Is your DD the eldest?

I know it’s hard because he has done this for a long time, but the grabbing your stomach/etc. Is it getting more aggressive/painful? (Not that it matters in terms of it is still terrible, but I mean is it progressing?)

Have you heard anything from SW? when is he next in work?

Yes she is the eldest. The reason he is ok with ds is that he is quite quiet and compliant. He is more internal than dd. Dd I'm wondering if she has a bit of adhd. She has excessive energy and is loud. Struggles to concentrate etc. She will say what she thinks and she will say disagree with things and she will not always do as she is told straight away (imo she just needs things explained and then needs time to get used to the fact she may not like things but that is how it has to be whereas ds accepts things easily...on the most part anyway. Willbupsate rest in a minute

So after what I wrote about before. She calmed down with me and was fine. I forgot to say he was putting them to bed earlier than normal because he wanted to watch the football. Ds is normally in bed around 7.30 but dd is normally 8/8.15 and he was wanting her to go up to bed at 7.15. And him be downstairs watching football at 7.30. Which may have factored into his behaviour as he was trying to rush her along.
Anyway he took her up to get them to bed. He told dd to go to her room and read a book quietly or wait while he got ds to sleep I've tried this in the past and she wont because she doesnt enjoy reading. I have recently allowed her to time for 15 mins or the last few days she has been colouring. But he wont allow either of these. So again she got upset but he wouldnt allow her downstairs to me. He allowed her to come and say goodnight to me but told her she had to stand at the door out of sight. I didnt know this so when she said night and I couldnt see her I said come give me a hug. She waited for DH to tell her she could then came to me. Dh said she had 1 minute while he got ds to sleep while he was upstairs she told me she had written me a note upstairs when they were arguing saying "daddy hurt my feelings." Apparently he kept telling her she treated him like dog turd and she needed to learn respect.
She was upset and I ended up telling DH she was causing no bother while I was online and could sit colouring with me and I would get her to sleep when finished class. He accepted his ok. I think because the football was starting and he wanted to go watch it.
I cant remember if there was anything else but will log if there is.
Support worker emailed today saying she will know by monday but definitely wont be this week. She emailed me so.e things to read through while waiting and she is here if I need to talk. I've emailed her saying things have been bad again today and would live update on refuge when she gets one. And of course thanking her.

He is a bully and a tyrant.

It's so fucking cruel that you've got to the point when you actually want to leave but you can't. I'm so sorry. Really really hope you get some good news on Monday.

This is heartbreaking, your poor daughter is obviously in distress. He is just awful. Really hope you get some good news Monday and can leave asap

Thank you.
Just remembered when it was all kicking off I asked him to calm down and jyst stop. I said to him he was making dd more upset and I'm missing college because of all the noise. He then said to dd "look at what you're doing to mummy. Mummy is missing college because of you. "I reassured dd it wasnt her fault etc but he kept saying over and over "you're making mummy so sad"
Then later on he came down with her to say night and broadband wasnt working and I couldn't get into online class. He told dd it was because of her. I said it wasnt at all and reassured her. Hugged her etc. But he was giving her this face and she said "daddy is still doing an angry face at me"
I've just been to get the note she made me. She was scared he would find it I think and told me it was scrunched up in her jewellery box. It says "daddy is hurting my feelings" and a sad face :( my heart is breaking for her

Have you rescued her toys (which he threw outside in a violent, abusive rage, aimed at her?)

Do you feel able to, safely?

Yes I got them and showed her so she knew they were safe