Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

I dont know i think it sounds worse written down. Its annoying as hell. But its not causing me major distress.
I feel like ive made it sound worse. that is what hapoened but reading it i guess you could imagine it worse than it is.
Emailed support worker. Hopefully hear something today. I dont know if its escalating or im jyst recording things that i wouldnt have previously

I think you have a little bit of stockholm syndrome that has actually numbed you to any of it. You are so institutionalised to abuse from your father through to now that you barely register things like this.

And that is why you feel like you make it sound worse - you know what worse is. You have experienced it. When you have climbed Mount Everest Mont Blanc doesnt seem like so much of a mountain. But Mont Blanc is still a great big mountain. The only acceptable level of abuse is zero.

He bit you and it hurt. He is showing his power and control. How long will he have that control though

He has sexually assaulted you . He has kicked you. he has bitten you. Get it ALL reported to the police. There MUST be a trail of all his abusive behaviours, if he is to be stopped.
God forbid if he gets joint or partial custody and he starts on your daughter instead.

Im going to scratch the last one for the record actually i feel really bad it was just playful he didnt mean to hurt think it was just because it was on the back of my arm so sensitive. Was more socumenting because he woukdby stop when i asked. But its just him not thinking its an issue.

Just had am email back from support worker. Refuges are undwrstaffed due to covid so still not taking anyone in will be reviewed next week.
:(

@Chickencuddle

Im going to scratch the last one for the record actually i feel really bad it was just playful he didnt mean to hurt think it was just because it was on the back of my arm so sensitive. Was more socumenting because he woukdby stop when i asked. But its just him not thinking its an issue.

Why do you feel like this one "doesn't count"? He didn't stop, you tried to cover yourself (I'm assuming you had nothing on?) and he tried to force your arms open so he could grab you. It's just awful. Even if it's accompanied by him laughing, "I'm only messing around", the effect is still the same - he's trying to force you into doing something you don't want to do and have repeatedly told him to stop. It's dreadful behaviour, and it doesn't happen in a normal relationship.

I'm so sorry about the refuge Do they know how long it will be? I do think you need to start seriously considering an alternative, like the police, or worst case some strategies to keep yourself safe in the house (an excuse to sleep in another room somehow??). You can log any number of these events with 111, he doesn't have to know but it does mean if you really do need them to come out they will have a record of you and will come quickly.

Hoping and praying for you that the refuge situation changes. I'm so sorry.

Please don’t scratch it, or rather feel like you should. The reason people feel like it’s escalation and are saying it’s bad is this:

1. Just because he laughs doesn’t mean he thinks it’s a joke. He has done a lot of awful things to you and then laughed afterwards. He does this purposefully to make you question yourself - which works .... because you are.

2. On the same point, it’s not funny, you know it’s not funny. When couples tease and joke BOTH parties find it funny. There is consent. If my current DH did this too me and I told him to stop, he would be mortified and apologetic, because he would never want to hurt me.
   However if my ex did it, he would do what your husband is doing. This is wrong, narcissistic and abuse. Myself and lot of the PP’s have been through this, got out and can see that it is NOT normal.

3. It is escalating, he is getting more and more aggressive. It’s slow, but it it’s happening. Each time he is taking it one little bit further because he is testing you, to see how you react.
   This is how you got here in the first place, it’s a little comment here and there, when those comments are accepted, it’s ramped up. Until they have you under control.
   This is the same, he was pushing, the kicking, now biting too. This is why we are all telling you to get out ASAP, because if it carries on then it could get much worse very quickly.

I am devastated for you that the refuge’s are not able to get you out right now. Just make sure that the support worker knows he is escalating, try and ignore your temptation to backtrack when you speak to them.

She has jyst emailed ne saying she will have a meeting soon to see how quickly can get me in. Also told me i may need to order and complete a covid test before i go into refuge and sent me a link.
Finhers crossed

Please tell her he has bit you.

This is just so horrific to read on a daily basis.

You poor woman.

Thank goodness, I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

OP every single time you think you e made it sound worse than it is, ask yourself these two questions:

"Did I say 'stop'?"

"Did he stop straight away and not start again at any point?"

If you can honestly answer "yes" to both questions, then you're right, it's not that bad.

If the answer to the first is "yes" and the second is "no", it's really really bad. How bad isn't up for debate, there's not a cut off point for abuse. He's either acting abusively or he isn't. He doesn't ask for even implied consent, he thinks your body is his and your protestations are a game.
He. Is. Wrong.

He is a bastard. He knows exactly what he is doing. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings. You are his possession, a thing to be played with whenever and however he wants. He IS aggressive (he shouts, forces himself on you, kicks you, invades your space) and he most certainly is not a good person. He isn’t kind or caring and he isn’t remotely a good father not by any stretch of the imagination. He’s abusive to you and to your children. He has no redeeming features, none at all.

Do please take all the help you are offered and get out of this escalating situation as soon as you possibly can.

He.BIT you? OP, you are yet again trying to explain away his monstrous behaviour! Tell your SW. Can you not call the police? There must be some way of getting you out of this horrible, twisted relationship. He is cruel and yes, his behaviour is getting worse. He is pushing the boundaries ever time!

Ok it was not hard. It was affectionately and ir was more that hr carried onnwhen i asked him to stop i feel bad for making it sound worse. Trust me it was not that bad.

Trust us OP it really was that bad.

You havent made it sound worse - you just said what happened.

Yes, it really was THAT bad. Not normal, not affectionate, not loving.

It really is that bad

You haven't made it sound worse than it was at all.

If anything, I think you're probably unconsciously downplaying the things he does, because your own reactions are so skewed by your abusive upbringing, that if he isn't actually screaming/punching you, and if he says it's a "joke", you feel as though you shouldn't have a problem with it.

But as we say to children - it's only a joke if everyone is laughing, and nobody gets hurt.

You are so normalised to it now you can't see just how bad it is 😭

Look at that OP.. that’s how many people have commented on this thread, added to your first thread that’s probably 1000 people.. I have been on both from the start, not ONE person has ever said chicken I think your exaggerating or this isn’t that bad. Everyone has been shocked to the core, ok he didn’t bite you like he would an apple but there’s no ‘affectionate’ way to bite somebody, just because it didn’t hurt doesn’t mean it’s ok because you told him to stop. He’s using like threats and teases of violence as a joke, pretending to kick you when your on the floor, letting on he’s going to bite you, it’s just a way of showing you he could if he wanted to. Like if thinks he can touch you in your sleep if he wants to. I know you think it’s innocent and he was just messing around but believe me men like him have red flags in everything they do. YOU are the victim here, never feel sorry for him. Feel sorry for yourself and your children. The end is near keep reading your old messages in here hold onto the reasons why your leaving to get you out that door xx

Why can he not be removed

Seriously others on here with good advice
Can't this scumbag be removed?

So a vulnerable family get to stay in their home??

Call psni
I will do it if you want me to??

I dont want to call the police on him I'm still really struggling with what I consider to be abusive. Alot of these things he has done before and I havnt said anything. Like the biting thing he has done before. So he thinks it's acceptable...why wouldnt he because I've not said anything. My own fault and I'm the one changing what page we are on.

If you say stop or tell him not to do something because it hurt you & he does it again then that is abuse.

You are telling him to not do something & he continues to do it IT IS ABUSE

@Chickencuddle

I dont want to call the police on him I'm still really struggling with what I consider to be abusive. Alot of these things he has done before and I havnt said anything. Like the biting thing he has done before. So he thinks it's acceptable...why wouldnt he because I've not said anything. My own fault and I'm the one changing what page we are on.

Oh Chicken you are worrying so much about being fair to him, whereas he doesn't give a shit about whether he's fair to you, does he? He is not a child. He is an adult. The basic assumption shouldn't be that I can do whatever I want to a person, unless they tell me it's not fine and then I should stop (which he doesn't anyway, does he). If he kicks you in the head every day, then one day you finally pluck up the courage to tell him to stop, does that mean all the other days were fine? Biting, grabbing, kicking, groping, mauling, forcing - all of these things are assault and against the law. And you do tell him to stop, and he doesn't.

He knows not to kick the lady in the post office and not to bite the post man, he knows not to squeeze the people he works with on their bum in a 'friendly'. He knows all this without being told, he hasn't bitten the man in Tesco then learnt not to do it. He knows its not acceptable. He knows.