Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

Just a few points to be clear. It was under the covers. He is not aggressive. Afterwards laughing and thinking it's a joke/funny.

These dont make it better or less inappropriate. He was creating a sexualised environment for your children who at nearly 8 and 6 are well aware OP of what was happening they just think its normal.

Either one could recreate this at school and it would be awful if they did.

And he knows with the kids around you dont want to draw attention to it so he gets away with more

@Chickencuddle keep focusing on leaving for now. Court can come later when you’ve found you voice again and regained your strength. You are incredibly strong to have got to where you have and you’re getting stronger all the time. You’re almost free, just keep going. Once you’ve left you’ll probably have all sorts of emotions/thoughts so keep in touch with your lady from WA and post here for help because there are so many people who have gone through similar.

Your last post really struck. I couldn’t work out what I found so disturbing about it (apart from the obvious things of him constantly ignoring what you want) then it occurred to me he’s denying you the ability to protect your children. You told him to stop because the children were there. He admitted he knew what he was doing was wrong (by saying “I know”) but kept doing it. He’s taken control of your body and he’s taken away a fundamental part of being a mum. He is dominating and controlling all of you.

The lasagne thing should have been a non-issue. Children don’t like change and if I were looking forward to lasagne then didn’t have it then I’d be miffed too. Difference is, I’m an adult so can process the change. Children just need a bit of help to deal with these things. Plans change sometimes and that’s totally normal. What’s not normal is to blame an 8 year old for her own upset. He doesn’t let her have opinions or voice her emotions but when she dose, she gets blamed for creating the situation that caused her to be upset. It’s a recipe for disaster. She’s going to have feelings building up inside her workout anywhere for them to go. She’s not going to learn how to process them so they’re just going to build up until they explode. She needs to have a voice and she’s not going to get that with him around.

You’re doing the best thing possible for all of you by leaving. Keep going and keep focused on that end goal x

Yes it does seem as though if you let him, he wouldn't stop would he. He'd be fine with doing a lot more, given the chance, with the kids right there. There's something very, very wrong with him. I can't stress enough how most normal men - even the ones that are kind of twats in other ways - would rather shag on top of an iceberg than they would right beside primary aged kids. Bleuugh.

Back in March when you started your thread, you were sort of half wondering was it all so bad, his sexual assaults, because he was just horny and the kids were in the next room so wouldn't see anything.... Or they were asleep so wouldn't see anything.....

And now look how he's escalated. Touching you, humping you and trying to undress you with your wide awake children right beside the bed. All the things he was doing in eg the kitchen while they were in the living room he's now doing a foot away from them

He is escalating thing pretty quickly.

The other thing that rings alarm bells with me is his obsession with you being very slim. Size 10-12 is an absolutely normal, slim, healthier size as it is but he wants you very thin indeed. Now obviously everyone has their preferences with what sort of bodies they find attractive, but I find it quite worrying that a man who is happy to hump his wife and lick her boobs in the same room as his children, is also obsessed with thin, small female bodies,to the point where he bullies his already slim wife over her perfectly normal and healthy diet. It just pings alarm bells tbh

One day at a time. I honestly think once you get to a refuge and you are out of his control, you'll be absolutely floored by how much better life will be- even in a refuge, even if you don't have a lot of money. Being away from him will be freedom, and it'll be worth everything - but you won't know what it feels like until you are gone, because he has had you under his control for so long

Thank you. I agree especially with the lasagne thing and her not allowed a voice. I think aswell that's why, when he has been off for a while like recently (been off work for 4 days) when he does go back to work they all explode and theres lots of anger and tears over little things. Then after that first day they are happier and we get into a routine and its lovely again.
I feel really bad for him tbh as he doesnt know he is doing anything wrong. He is caring and kind but just if he wants something he cant see past that.
I feel bad because I dont want to hurt him.
But ultimately have to put the kids first.
Getting dressed earlier. Kids downstairs and agin came in and pushed me on the bed humping me. Pulling my top down I kept saying to stop and he was just laughing like he always does. He just thinks he is being funny. I ended up raising my voice and saying "you are the only one laughing I dknt want this" he just laughed again but he did stop. Its constant.

Oh he knows that what he is doing is wrong, no doubt about it.

He is a relatively young man with access to the Internet. He is smart enough to run a business, purchase a home. There has been more discussion around consent over the last five years or so than there ever has before. You have said no. Repeatedly. Toddlers know the meaning of the word no. He is not a toddler. He knows, he just doesn't give a single fuck because he thinks he owns you and can do what he wants.

He cant not know it wrong OP - or his boundaries are so so screwed. Everyone knows that it is wrong. He isnt caring or kind either - I have yet to see one example where he puts anyone ahead of his needs at all

Hello,

I think you're being incredibly brave. I too left my marriage because of mostly sexual abuse. I know some things that were running through my head, "its not that bad" "its mostly just sexual stuff so its not that bad" "hes a good person really" "can I really leave because of it?".

You can leave and it is bad enough, he laughs about it so it doesn't feel like its a big deal, he does it so you question your self, blame yourself "if only I had more sex with him it would be fine".

But its not, its the fact he seems entitled to your body, thinking he can take something of yours (your body) against your wishes.

Have you ever heard of "Tea and consent" here's a link, it brought home to me the reality of sexual abuse/assault.

Ive been in 2 refuges in different places. Both were clean, comfortable, really helpful! They help you sort out benefits and money, and if it comes to anything legal, they help sort that out for you too. They help when you're low, they help when you have a wobble, mostly, they UNDERSTAND the situation. Being in refuge, and getting the support gives you this big feeling of "they've got my back" it makes you feel less lonely, but still in control of your decisions.

You're doing so, so well! And im proud of you, its an awful situation to be in but you've got all of us behind you and when you go to refuge, you've got them behind you too. You don't have to do this alone.

Feel free to PM if you'd like to, no pressure.

Take care

Have you thought about grabbing his hand and bending his fingers back until they break? I feel like doing that from reading your messages. I’ve had to endure a sex-pest ex. I gave him the benefit of the doubt the first few times. After which I absolutely lost the plot and kicked him out of my flat and life. I understand you have the children to consider and practicalities to arrange, and I am really praying that by the end of next week you are out of there are starting your new life. But in the meantime you need to do something drastic like the above because what he is doing is abuse of you and abuse of your children.

OP,

He knows very well what he is doing is wrong, but he doesn't care and believes there are no consequences and you can't stop him.

Please stop telling yourself your children are not aware of something being off with their father and his mauling of their mother.

I wrote earlier, I would not want him around any teenage girls.

He has raped and sexually assaulted you through out your marriage.

He is a pervert and a freak.
He is a total sexual deviant.

He is not someone to be around young girls.

He has absolutely no regard for decency and absolutely no respect for women or their bodies.

I would hate for your daughters young developing bodies to be around him.

He is a sexual predator and not to be trusted.

Your children know there is something off with them.
That is why the get upset and let off steam when he goes to work.

They are stressed by him but don't have the language to verbalise how they are feeling.

OP this from your recent post stuck out for me:
He also slapped my bum a few times whilst I was trying to get dressed and then dd2 did it
They are copying his behaviour towards you. What else are they going to copy, especially as he seems to care less and less about their presence when he's assaulting you? I agree with PP, it's getting worse, and quickly.
I so hope you're able to get to a refuge next week. Please please get yourself and your kids out of there

He does know he’s doing wrong though chicken, as you have sat him down over and over again as you have said? And told him.. and he still does it. So even in his weird little head if he doesn’t think he’s wrong, he knows you don’t like it and have asked him to stop so as a husband he should respect that? He respects nothing. I agree with PP about small skinny bodies and being aroused around children, honestly I know to you you probably think nooo never, but outsiders looking in I would never want this man around my daughter alone. No matter way you look at it or call him a good dad etc, it is not normal in any circumstance to feel that turned on around children. It’s really sick

HE IS VILE

NOT CARING

HE IS NOT KIND

@dublingirl66

HE IS VILE

NOT CARING

HE IS NOT KIND

This. So many times this.

Thanks so much for commenting as soon as i doubt I come on her and it helps me 0ut things into perspective. Something so silly from before and probably would have dismissed normally but we went on a walk before. Came back all muddy. I said I was doing a was of all the coats and kids trainers needed doing too. He told me to make sure i add some other things from washing basket in too. I said including my coat and thwres and shoes etc i dont think there would be room but would if I could. He followed me in and stood over me while I did it. Told me to put more stuff in and I said "look it's full it's not going to fit."he didnt say anything but swing his leg back like he was going to kick a football and kicked me in the bum. Not really hard but I said "NO!"he then did it again on my foot. I said NO!" again and he stopped and said sorry then walked out . He was making a noise like he was putting alot of effort into it but he was actually slowing his foot down alot so it didnt really hurt. Was probably he equivalent if one of the kids kicked me but I just found it a bit wierd. Also how he said sorry after and walked out without another word he never normally says sorry for anything

I agree OP, it seems very weird. Also yet another example of him being horrible,abusive and controlling! He is so awful, also if he wants things washing, why doesn’t he just do it himself?

So he physically punished you for not doing what he said with the washing

Nothing was in urgent need of washing. He didnt need washing doing he just didnt want me to put a half load on (which I never do ) just feel like he has to be commenting on everything I do.

did he leave a bruise?

No nothing like that it womt bruise.

Even the way he tells you what to wash is weird and follows you to check, like seriously I have never known a man or any friends husbands or anything act this way. He’s a real weirdo

Yeah the way he follows you around and comments on everything you do is so very controlling and not normal behaviour. Fingers crossed not much longer until you will be free from him!

I’ve name changed for this but felt I had to comment after your post about his behaviour towards you while your children were on the bed with you.

I am so glad you are removing yourself and your children from this way of living. You are doing the right thing. I 110% believe this.
The above is something my my dad used to do to my mum. I’ve felt all shaky since reading your threads.

My Dad has an extremely broken filter and has spoken and behaved disgustingly in front of me (and others!!) and wonders why we don’t have a great relationship. He had massive trauma in both child and adulthood but they don’t excuse any of it imo.

I was extremely aware of what was going on from a very young age and my step dads opinion was that it was his bedroom/his house/his way or the highway and he didn’t feel he was doing anything wrong - obviously he was! I’ve never forgotten it, although I’ve pushed it deep down.

My mum stayed with my dad, as I got older I started to tell her what I thought of her situation and there were lots of excuses for his behaviour and tbh ‘a high sex drive’, ‘a nice guy aside this’, ‘if I go I’ll have nothing’ ‘he won’t go for a divorce’ are not acceptable reasons for it to ever be ok to put up with it.

My mum has come close to divorcing my dad several times but has always backed down at the last minute because he promises to change (although he doesn’t see why he should, he feels he has sacrificed a lot in his likes and desires), ultimately though he hasn’t.
Now he’s in his late 70’s and isn’t slowing down and my mum is still on eggshells.

It’s not right that I know any of it. I shouldn’t have had 30ish years of knowledge but my mum has felt unable to speak to anyone ‘outside’ of the family home until this year because in the late 70s/early 80s what happened behind closed doors was meant to stay there and she’s felt trapped.

Counselling has been a good thing for my mum and I wish she’d had a proper go at it years go.

So he's basically starting to escalate into physical abuse now. He's got away with it so it'll be a bit harder next time.

I don't know how you keep calm why he's trying this on all the time. I'd be screaming at him that he's a sick fuck being turned on when the children are around.

Here's hoping you get into a refuge soon.

Actually op I don't think he is really all that interested in sex - he just wants to control and belittle you in every possible way.

The kicking you thing is horrible - its just a way of trying to humiliate you by kicking you as if you are so totally "lesser" that he can do what he wants to you ... it's like kicking the dog (not that you should kick animals!)

You are some kind of object to him that he thinks he can treat how he likes...

Shocking.

@NCforthisconvo omg so sorry you have been through this but huge hats off for you for telling OP your experience so she can see how it is from the child’s point of view.m and how early it affects them. I hope your life is happy despite all this xxx

Chicken, please read and read and read this comment anytime you doubt yourself, as this poster has said she noticed it from a young age that it was inappropriate. This confirms what your life would be like, that he will never change, the way it will make your children feel and that you are 1000000% doing the right thing xx