Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

Don't be sorry, keep on posting

Thanks dublingirl. I dont think I can rent as I dont work. So dont know how I would be able to get a private rent. I need to get a council house I think but need to get out while I wait. I dont know what it will be like tbh but have been assured its comfortable and clean.

Let the refuge do their job.

Allow them to help and guide you to the support you need.

You have a peaceful future ahead of you.

Your children have a calm safe future ahead of them.

You can do this OP.

Yes you can do this

Well done for posting and taking the steps

Now time to act

Do not feel sorry for him

A man who has done all these things and kicks cats ?? FKC him

You will thrive with peace and safety
Listen to the many people on here and the professionals ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

We are all here chicken and will be each step of the way. Don’t worry about the not working etc, refuge will have workers who will guide you as I imagine most women there are in similar positions. Keep going, just use positive thoughts to get you going, of in a couple months being on your own sofa with your lovely children not having to worry about bedtime or if the kids step out of line and your children being able to speak and have opinions without Worrying or god forbid getting their trousers wet at the beach. You are showing your daughter that you are right daddy doesn’t let us have opinions and that’s why he is controlling and I left amongst other reasons, obviously you won’t tell her this now but as she gets older it’s good for her to see how strong you were and didn’t accept a lifetime of abuse and being controlled. You are showing her it’s okay to leave horrible men xxx

He is utterly vile. My skin is crawling tbh.

I agree with a PP. Let the refuge do their job. You get yourself and the kids there first. Then pass over this terrible burden to stress and worry on to the support workers and professionals who are trained to know what to do and how to help you move forward to build a life for your children

Thanks everyone.
What should I actually tell the children when we leave. It's easy to think of leaving when things are happening that I'm uneasy about. But it's harder when everything is going good. Just need to keep in mind it wont stay that way.
Worried about my asthma I have a cold atm and my asthma is really bad then going into a refuge with lots of other people in a big town...just worried about Corona but I guess thsres nothing I can do about that.

How old are the children?

Almost 8. Almost 6 and 2 and a bit.

Yes step by step my life was healed with support and professional help

Especially when I was feeling sad for him and worried about how he was

You don't need any extra worries

You have a new peaceful life to start
Many good people out there will help you
Please keep posting xxx

There’s some info about talking to children on the WA website www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/taking-children-with-you-to-refuge/ and here www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/how-can-i-help-my-children/

OP, I've noticed that you mention your kids being in bed with you at night a lot. I do wonder if somewhere in their little minds they know you are safer from Daddy with them in bed with you?

Children accept whatever they know as normal, they have no way of knowing differently. But the situation you and they are in is not any kind of normal. I would bet that once you leave the children are able to sleep peacefully in their own beds, as they won't have the tense atmosphere and fear for you weighing them down. Good luck.

Thanks for the link welshgal it told me to be honest and speak with them about it in an age appropriate manner. I thought of saying something like: mummy and daddy dont agree on some things and I dont like the way daddy sometimes deals with things so we are going on a trip until we figure out what to do. We are going to live in a big house with some other families and we are taking some toys and things to do while we are there.
But feel like that's not great. I'm not sure what to say...
Crafty...I'm not sure I think dd has always liked sleeping with someone there. She co slept when she was younger and when I stopped that I sang her ti sleep. She doesnt go to sleep on her own and if she wakes needs comfort to get back to sleep.
She also gets bad growing pains. Which I have been to the doctor about but he said its just something she will grow out of. But they wake her frequently

I think that sounds good OP, could you speak to your contact at Women’s Aid about it too? Maybe she would have some advice on what to say? I’m sure when you are at the refuge they will have a process in place for welcoming you all and helping you and supporting the children too. When are you going to move do you think? Is there a day he will be out of the house and you can just all go? Best not to have the chat with the kids about it until it is actually happening as if you tell them in advance they may say something to him about it without realising.

Well I'm waiting for my support worker to message me when they are open. She said she is hoping end of next week. So I was hoping Thursday or friday as he is working. He works close to home and further afield so I peeked at his diary this morning and checked those days and he isnt close to home so he cant just pop in like he sometimes does.
I'm going to do most things last minute as dont really have anywhere to stash things. So putting cloths to one side to take but they are all still in wardrobe jyst trying not to use the ones I need to take and mentally compiling lists. Then on the day pack everything and into the car and just go. Tell the kids as we leave. Not before as like you said they would tell him.
I dont really know what else to do.

OP I also don't think you necessarily need to tell them everything at once, especially given their ages.
"We're going to stay somewhere for a while, just the four of us, won't that be nice" in the car will do. Make it sound like an adventure. Field questions as/when you get them. I know it must feel like you owe them a full explanation but they are so small, drip feed might be better for both them and you. It's also one less thing for you to worry about on the day, trying to plan a big explanation for the car. They are little kids, they will be absolutely fine with minimal information as long as you're with them, and you can explain more once you're settled in.
You're so brave, I'm absolutely rooting for you

In many ways you are so so strong

I know how hard all this is

Stay strong

You have a happy life ahead of you
He does not treat you well

Thanks dublin girl.
Thanks cavegirl. That sounds alot better and gives me less heart palpitations.
Today has been ok. And I know it sounds silly...but he let them go in puddles on our walk.
But then later on dd got very upset over a change we had to make about dinner. Sometimes she can get upset over things that change without warning when she was expecting something else and she was super tired and got upset and I didnt like how DH said to her something like " well you were having a hissy fit about going to the park so we went and that's why we arent having lasagne now because you wanted to go to the park."
Basically I said lasagne for dinner but we made an unscheduled stop off at park on way home as dd was really wanting to go. By the time we got home and got everyone settled I didnt have time to make lasagne from scratch and everyone was starving so i did a quick easy dinner instead. But it wasnt her fault. It's my responsibility to make sure we leave on time and get home with time for me to make dinner and I didnt do it. But because dd was getting upset dh blamed her.
Sorry that's a load of waffle I'm tired.
But other than that today has been good and that makes it harder.

It wasn’t her fault and it wasn’t your fault either. Things happen, changes are made and children don’t always cope with that very well. But this is all normal.
What isn’t normal is the way your DH responds, the way he treats you and the way he treats your children.
Another speaking from experience, when you are under an abusive partners control it is hard to see that the ‘good days’ aren’t good, they just are mildly easier to cope with. Your bat is set so low that anything will seem better.
You are doing the right thing, you do need to get you and your children away from him. Just keep reminding yourself every time.
You are doing so well and being so brave and strong, you will come out of this and recover. You will be a survivor, just keep moving forward 💕

Other than the bit where the adult blames the child for having a play at the park and calling her names. And other than you having to fear the rapey one at bedtime in case he tries raping you in front of your children, it was a good day?

You need to be clear with WA. He persistently, every day, repeatedly tries to have sex with rape you in front of the children, but not as much when they aren't there. You are frightened of him. The kids are frightened of him. You are walking on eggshells, they are walking on eggshells.

He is exactly like your own father. He's getting a kick from being sexual in front of the kids. I wish you'd go to the police. He should NOT be having access to your children when you leave.

He's disgusting and makes my skin crawl.

He is emotionally abusive. He is sexually abusive. To you AND the children.

This is honestly the worst thing I have ever heard. If you don't leave, you are at risk of repeating the cycle of having your kids removed for failing to protect them from sexual activity. It's grooming what your DH is doing to your DD's.

Literally 100s of people have said the same thing. How can you still think he is a good person, a GOOD father. He is a truly abusive, awful father.

Glitterf YES

Op do you feel strong enough to go to police ?
Get him removed from the home
He is vile
I would REFUSE unsupervised access

Going through the family courts myself right now in NI and it can be hard but you. Have very good reason to refuse they have to stay overnight or be alone with him

At the refuge could you please get some legal advice?

When you get to the refuge, OP, I really, truly think you should show them this thread,and the last one, or email your support worker now.

I don't know much about law, but I would like to think that the fact you've been saying much the same thing about his behaviour since March, would mean something in a family court, if it came to your word against his (which I know is something you're worried about)

Also we worry a lot about not being believed

Waste of time worrying
They claim no one will believe us

We believe you
The law will protect you

You can be brave and do this

Sorry if this seems blasè but I feel like I need to focus on one thing at a time. I think if I start thinking about court etc then I get scared and overwhelmed and makes it more likely for me to chicken out. So for now I'm going to try and jyst concentrate on leaving. That feels like a huge thing in itself. It's hard to think of leaving someone you still love and will know you will miss and the children will miss.
But I know I cant allow things to keep happening around them. I'm just annoyed it took me so log to realise. But I really thought it was just me being silly.
I'm trying to mostly keep him happy atm. Not argue or make a big point of things I disagree with as there is no point atm it will cause tension and I'm leaving soon.
This morning he again was touching me around the kids in the morning kids all pile into bed with us. Then they had a cuddle and were on the floor beside the bed playing with this light thing we have when he started touching me down below. I told him to stop then he was trying to get my boob out my top and lick it (sorry) everytime I told him to stop he would stop but then start something else. Then humping me etc. He absolutely sees nothing wrong with it. When I pushed his hands away and told him to stop he was like "why?"I said ds is right next to the bed. He said "I know" then did it once more before stopping. I find it really hard to stop him with the kids around as I dont want to draw attention to it.
Just a few points to be clear. It was under the covers. He is not aggressive. Afterwards laughing and thinking it's a joke/funny.
Grabbing my tummy fat even though I've asked him so many times not to do that.

The thing is chicken, what if you didn’t stop him? He would have his fingers inside you,
Licking your breasts which would turn him on more, I honestly believe if you lay and allowed him to he would have full intercourse with you while the kids are lying next to the bed playing. Like he has no limit or filter as to what he thinks is wrong, he only stops when your force him, it’s so wrong. Take it one day at a time whatever helps you, I think people just want you to see it is serious enough for the police and they would remove him from the home and it would give you some breathing space to get yours and the kids stuff sorted, if that’s not the route you want to go down that’s fine, leaving him is the focus xx