Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

OP you suffered horribly at the hands of your parents.

Your children are being exposed to over sexualised behaviour. You are trying to hide them from it - HE isnt. If you were a willing participant he would be your father.

The only difference your children have is you. But at what point will you not be able to protect them from it. Because he is escalating and losing control - it wont be long

Thankyou for everyones support can honestly say without this thread I would not be questioning his behaviour and would probably told myself I need to better to please him and then it would all be ok. (Which was what i did last time)
Support worker was lovely and reassured me that it is abuse. She phoned the refuge for me and said they are down to skeleton staff. She isnt sure when they will open again but knows they wont be closed for the whole of lockdown. She said she is hoping for late next week.
So I'm trying to get prepared for that and I'm absolutely terrified.
I cant even think straight I'm just feeling so sad and lost and I looked back at our wedding photos and felt so sad that we lost that somehow. I know where it went wrong. I stopped agreeing with everything and doing whatever he wanted all the time I formed my own opinion of things and sometimes wanted to do things differently. But it's just sad because we were so so happy. I still love him. I dont like how he treats me sometimes and I feel on edge waiting for the next thing. But I miss the old days. He has supported me in many ways throughout the years and I know I will miss him too.

But things arent the way they were and I've tried talking to him so so many times and always agrees to stop when I say no but it never happens. I dont think they are going to change

You will get there OP.

I'm so sorry that life has been so challenging for you for so long.

When you should be loved and cherished.

This is not on you.

It has never been on you.

You sound like a wonderful mother.

You want the best for your children and you do have the strength to get to that place.

You are in my prayers.

You deserve to feel, like you say you felt in your wedding photos, all the time my love. You do, you really do. That is what happy relationships are like. Not being sexually assaulted all the time, raped, abused, scared, on edge.

My own marriage is probably breaking up, but it's for very different reasons. I can honestly say, despite my husbands poor behaviour in many ways, I have never felt scared, threatened, frightened or sexually coerced by him.

Keep going Chicken, sounds like you are getting close now. He’s a horrible pig, stay safe and call the police if it deteriorates or you feel unsafe. Hold tight

Oh Chicken
It breaks my heart when you say that you having your own opinions is where your relationship started to go wrong.
You are an independent person. You deserve to have your own opinions, you are entitled to disagree with someone, you have your own thoughts and are free to express them. Your partner in life should cherish you precisely because you have your own self, your own mind, that you have your own wants and desires. That is what a normal relationship is. That is what love is. It is not blind obedience to a master, where things start to go wrong if you dare to disagree, or say no.
If your relationship being successful is conditional upon you suppressing your own self, and agreeing and obeying like a robot, it is not a balanced, healthy or happy relationship at all.
Please realise that, and please model to your children that this kind of relationship is not a good one for someone to stay in.
So so hoping you have some luck with the refuge soon.x

I just wanted to say @Chickencuddle if you ever ever need real life support please contact me. NI isn’t a big place xx

Thanks so much gin monkey that's really kind.
Thanks for everyones kindness reading this spurs me on but as soon as I go about day to day life I start doubting again. Today I feel like crying because I just feel like I'm losing my husband...the only family I have (his inlaws) and the house and possessions the business etc and everything a d starting from scratch it's just not fair to the kids. So gutted for them.
I feel like it's all my fault because if I just grit my teeth a d have sex with him he will be fine. There wouldnt be a problem really.

But you shouldn’t have to grit your teeth to have sex with your husband, you shouldn’t feel forced into sex at all. I’m sure you will say the same to your daughter when she is older. Sex should be between people who love eachother and treat eachother with respect. No one should’ve forced into it

I understand it must be so difficult as it feels like a lot of change but do you really feel like you can carry on like this forever?

You would still be making your children grow up in a sexualised environment where you and them dont have a voice and everything revolves around him.

You need to break the cycle for your daughters.

And I imagine not only would you have to grit your teeth (which you never should) either your youngest would be in the room or he would want them farmed off to another room.

It’s not just you - your children are suffering from his awful behaviour too. They are affected too for sure - little kids absorb all sorts, and their little brains are picking up all kinds of twisted behaviour from him.

You shouldn’t have to grit your teeth he’s made it that way, look at your original title if your post. It wasn’t anything to do with the sexual side of it, you were saying you felt like he hated you etc, the way he treated and spoke to you. Your troubles were obvious before you even told us all the dark side of it. The fact you have been sexually abused in your past, and he chooses to do this do you over and over and over again is absolutely appalling chicken, it could be such a trigger for you. How a man could do that to a woman is beyond me, but how a man could do it to a woman who has been abused growing up is literally beyond evil.

Your poor children 😢

It's not gritting your teeth OP.

It's having to accept being sexually assaulted multiple times daily and raped.

It horrific.

I think when you finally get away, you won't mourn those things.
The peace of mind and body you will experience will be worth everything.

It will all be worth it eventually. You shouldn't have to live like this

Cant decide if this is me being unreasonable. But little bit annoying today and jyst thought I would mention. I've not said anything to him. So if I am unreasonable at least it's just in my head.
So we went to the beach this morning. Dh was saying noone paddling today. Noone in the water. Fine. We got there and ge was shouting to dd about being on some sand which was wet and had a few puddles along the way shouting that she had to stay on the dry sand. Basically long story short after a while kids got some splashes on them. They weren't soaked or anything. But splashed on the legs from jumping over a puddle and accidentally splashing themselves I didnt tell them to do this. They did it and I was thinking "ahh well they're having fun it's just a few splashes it's done now" so I said to them "dont worry we can get dry" because ds especially was really worried at first. They were having the most fun jumping over this puddle that I just let them carry on. They literally had a few splashes. But dh started shouting at them to come away and he said no getting wet and we were going home etc etc. Then he said because I had allowed them he wasnt helping with taking their shoes off before getting in the car. Or helping me with kids. We got to the car and ds trousers were slightly damp he said he had to take them off before getting in the car
But there were lots of people around so ds didnt want to do it in front if them. I said it's fine dont worry. Our home is a 5 minute drive away and if it was a big deal he could take them off inside the car. But DH kept going on. No outside no outside. Over and over. I explained why but he wouldnt listen. Anyway I ignored him and let ds in the car with no shoes or socks but pants still on So when we got home he said "you're carrying them all in and then you can go get the shoes and clean them up and make sure car is clean"
So I said ok. But nust feel a bit like I'm being punished for kids being kids. To me it's not a big deal but I guess everyone is different and some people are probably reading in horror at me being so blasè.
A few other things but have to go will come back on later

And you seriously think he is a "good father"? Really?
He is an abusive bully, to all of you.

Jesus Christ those poor kids.

Chicken you write this less than a day after also writing that if you'd only just grit your teeth and have sex with him when you didn't want to, it would all be fine, you'd have the perfect life, he's such a good dad etc etc, it's only the sex (sexual assault).

But that's not true, is it?

He's a terrible husband and father in many ways. Coercing you into sex, groping you, is one of those ways. But don't kid yourself, because a big percentage of your posts across both your threads are examples of him being controlling, bad tempered and unreasonable in many many ways completely unrelated to sex - this latest one just another to add to the list.

So can you see, just gritting your teeth and having sex with him doesn't actually solve the problem? The problem is him and who he is.

I think you know that, deep down.

Chicken it highlights exactly what I have said that your children are not allowed to do anything at all

It isnt a little annoying at all it is full on controlling behaviour

Your kids are being abused by him OP. They are definitely a huge safeguarding flag for staying with him.

Once you have escaped please get everything down to SS etc so they get themselves whatever NI has in terms of a legal voice

Sorry just to get stuff on here while its fresh

Yesterday he told dd he kicked a caf because it was in our garage (we have cats but this was another one) she was then asking me if they could watch a film on the portable dvd player we had found that morning and spent all day charging. DH said "I've just got 1 dvd its topsy and tim" dd is 7 and not interested in topsy and tim. Dd said "no we have loads in the garage" dh said he wasnt going to go out to the garage as it was raining. I said I'll go and get some dvds and you can pick one. Then I was thinking we can make a den in your room and you and ds can watch it together. (Stay up late as nye treat) she was all excited and said "yay you're the best mummy ever" Dh said " what about me?"
She said "daddy you kicked a cat."he said "yeah it deserved it" she said "I still live you though."
Dd needs me again but need to log more.
Yes I see what you mean and I think you're right I dismiss things thinking they couldnt count as abuse and it's me nitpicking. Or as he says "we just parent differently"

Sorry for all the disjointed posts.
So then at lunch today we had soup and he said I like mine chunky. (Wiggling his eyebrows and grabbing my bum) "I like my things chunky." I said "that's not what you said the other day. And he said "ok yeah thin with a bit of chunk....no actually all thin" I shushed him as dont like the kids hearing that for body image etc but he isnt bothered. Or thinks they dont hear. But they were right there.
There were a few Tiny things yesterday but I cant remember now.

And that should be "I still love you though"
Sorry trying to type quickly in toilet.

You are a "thing" to him. He said it.
A sex "thing" a domestic "thing" , a child care providing "thing"