Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

I think you're doing the best you can under the circumstances. You've come so far since you first posted and you're so close to freedom. It must feel like you're climbing a mountain at the moment but the view from the top will be worth it.
Be proud of yourself chicken, you and your kids deserve peace and happiness x

I think you are doing your best and I think the hardest part has been realising that it is bad and it is highly abusive to you and you need to leave.

I am so sorry that having done so Covid has prevented you. Did your WA give you any advice as to the next stage to seek help from? Is it one more week then you can get in?

You're doing brilliantly chicken.
Keep pushing WA because I wonder if there are other options too - that might be the closest refuge to you but are there other refuges a bit further away that might be able to take you now? I wonder if you tell her a bit more about what's been happening recently she might be able to pull some more strings to help more quickly.... please don't give up.x

You are doing your best OP. At the end of the day, leaving an abusive marriage is tricky enough without trying to do it in the middle of a bloody pandemic. It's also difficult when you're fighting against the impact of your own abusive childhood and how it makes you doubt yourself. Keep goign, you're almost there and you're stronger than you think

No theres only 3 refuges and all have covid. All closed for a few weeks. I will keep in contact. She said I can contact her via email and phone when needed and we will keep in sight getting out when they open up again.

I do wonder if it's worth telling WA lady about last night, especially that he was basically sexually assaulting you/trying to rape you with a two year old present. Which is exactly what he was doing.

I don't know how you'd feel about Social Services involvement, but if WA had to contact them re his sexualised behaviour around the children, it might actually be more beneficial to you in the long run, as SS will be on your side regarding you getting out and monitoring his behaviour a bit more re the children. I don't know, just an idea. I know people are really scared of SS, but there's no need to be.

I didnt go into detail but I did say last night was bad and it felt like it was escalating. She just said if I'm in danger call police. But hang on to hope that you will be away in 2 weeks.

Really want to avoid major traumatic events for the kids I know how it was with ss. Just horrible. All from my childs eyes perspective. Horrible. Would hate for my children to go through that

That was different times and a different situation though. In your current situation, SS would be there to help, and the kids would have you and are young enough for a lot to go over their heads - back then, you were on your own, and older than yours are now. But hopefully it won't come to that and you'll be out soon

I'm so sorry you are going through this @Chickencuddle

Sorry to hear about the refuge, hope you get a place soon. Keep going you are doing so well.

I actually want to kick the fucking shit out of him for this, I'm furious. I hope you get away soon, you deserve so much better.

I think maybe it has gotten to the stage where you do need Social Services OP - he is escalating to the point where it may well be the only way to avoid a major traumatic event for them

Its 2 weeks. Its christmas. I can hang on for 2 weeks. I think social services get involved once I move to refuge anyway. But I think that would be better than them coming knocking and asking questions to DH and then I get in the shit later because obviously I've said something. They cannot do anymore for us than womens aid other than take the children away.
What is it that you think ss will do that will help?

Op, my advice would be DON'T wait until after Christmas. I'm a social worker and previously worked in the homeless sector. January is an extremely busy time for refuges and homeless services because everyone 'hangs on' for Christmas, people put friends and family up for Christmas and ask them to leave in the new year, plus Christmas always results in an increase in relationship breakdowns which lead people to seek housing.
Social services may have other housing projects they can refer you to. They may be able to help with temporary accommodation (either jointly with the housing dept or directly funded)
I'm sorry iv not read the full thread though I do remember your first one. But what you've described in the last few posts I would describe as sexual abuse not just to you but to your daughter. You partner doing that in front of your child is a form of sexual abuse. Your children will be more aware of this then you realise. Please please speak to social services and be honest with them and try and get out. Please don't wait another couple of weeks.
I fully understand that it's easy to write this and so much harder to do it, but you will feel so much better once you are free of him.

@Aroaringfire

@Chickencuddle has a plan to get out ... any pressure on her to change the plan at the moment could place her in danger .
She knows to call the police if she is scared and she is taking advice from WA who she knows she can contact.

Its very important that @Chickencuddle does at the moment what she feels is safest with as much planning as possible.

I really appreciate you are a SW i am also a professional, but unless you done specialist training in this area or you have lived experience, its very important to know exactly the consequences that could arise of your advice.

@Chickencuddle knows that her daughter being exposed to sexual acts is a form of sexual abuse , and she is actively planning to leave.

I'm sorry it wasn't meant to put pressure on and I hadn't seen the first thread to know if the OP had recognised the abuse in that way. But social services do have a duty to help. Women's Aid are voluntary and don't have to help if they're struggling to ie if resources are low.

I wouldn't want anyone to wait on a promise from a voluntary service and not get the support they need.

@Aroaringfire in my experience WA are the experts in safeguarding women and children ... social care do have responsibilities but they have set procedures they have to follow which either cant or dont, always take into account the wishes of the woman.

If @Chickencuddle went to social care first rather than following her plan with WA , then social care would most definitely want to speak to the perpetrator, This could put @Chickencuddle at risk and certainly wouldn't help her to feel empowered within the process.

I have seen this so many times.

@Chickencuddle how are you doing?

I'm ok he has been really good the last few days especially with the kids. He has made jibes about my weight a fair few times I have put on a lot of weight but I am still size 10/12 and I have told him so many times I dont find it funny and it hurts my feelings. He has mentioned a few times in last few weeks his tummy and I would never dream of making a joke out of it when he is self conscious about it. He does it in a jokey way so if I say anything he will say "I'm only joking." But I know he really thinks those things and wants me to lose weight. He was talking about something he got which was thin I cant remember what it was and he said "I like my things thin." Then looked at me with this expressions which said "that includes you" just lots of little jobes about me being wobbly or big. But other than that really nothing.
I've had lots of thoughts about what to do. I'm so uncertain. Still planning to leave but not as certain about it as I was and worry I'm doing the wrong thing. The kids are so happy. I'm scared I'll ruin their lives.ni domt know what to do about school as could be in the refuge for months. What about all our things. Will we ever get them back
What about the kids lives and friends and school and their happiness. I feel its selfish of me. He is being so good with the kids and they love him.
Makes me just doubt myself and think is it me somehow. My fault. I could do things differently to make him happier. I could be firmer somehow. Indont know. Just feel all comfudled

Stop OP how many times do you need to be told how bad it is - and the nothing that you think is awful.

Look at your daughter she has already told you at 7 Daddy doesnt let her have a voice or opinion about stuff. That is horrible - and she is well on the way to an eating disorder with the above.

Your son is growing up in a sexualised household where his mother is fair game to grope - what happens when he does that to a girl at school - it wont be pleasant

and your 2 year old sleeps every day with a mum who is being sexually assaulted and her father doesnt care. And if she woke up when it was happening what would happen then

The clock is ticking on saving them - your DD needs to know she has a voice otherwise her future is filled with abusive relationships. Your son needs to know that this isnt normal behaviour otherwise he will become a safeguarding issue at school. Your 2 year old needs to never reach the levels of the other two.

I am sorry to be harsh but your children arent happy. And if they have been the last w days it is on the whim of their father's moods

No dont be sorry I need to hear these things. Its just hard I dont know why my brain does this. But thanks.

Because you are a good person who loves him OP but leaving is definitely the right thing to do

Because he has conditioned and browbeaten you into thinking you are "wrong" for objecting to his vile behaviour.

You're not wrong , it's all him.

Your kids aren't that happy though OP. You've posted endless examples of him being unfair/overbearing/shouting at them for really minor things/overly strict. And that's before you include all the things PP point out above about them growing up in an overly sexualised environment, watching their father abuse their mother.
When they are happy, in your descriptions, there's invariably a common factor - and that's you. You really do sound like a great mum. And they will still have you when you leave. I think you'll actually be amazed at how different they seem, once you've left and the threat of angry daddy is removed.

Have you read the website I mentioned?

www.confusiontoclaritynow.com/

This is normal to waver. But, keep reading as then you'll be better able to see the tactics being used against you. You'll understand how you're being manipulated. The joking tactic is a really common one. Not surprised at all. Done to keep you off balance an be thinking about him. Another tactic. He's playing you like a fiddle!!

The Dan Hennessey book does some great explaining on brain washing. You've been brain washed by him which is why it's so difficult to think straight or trust your own thoughts so you waver ask the time. Read and you'll get to the point where you can spot what he's doing when he's doing it. It'll make you feel more powerful.

Does this sound familiar to you?

The shark explanation:
www.google.com/amp/s/www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/amp/