Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

OP what is it about labelling things as sexual assault, rape and abuse that you are so afraid of?

You've basically already told us on this thread that you want to leave. And it sounds like if the council would give you a house tomorrow, you'd tell your husband you weren't happy and you'd go.

But you don't want to go to a refuge, seemingly because of what people may say when they find out and that it would mean applying the label of "abuse" to his behaviour.

What is it about doing that you're so keen to avoid, and why?

It doesn't really matter about the label. You don't need to label what he did last night as sexual assault, if you find it difficult. It's a shorthand for describing what is happening to you. You can simply say, to yourself, WA, whoever, "my husband touches me and grabs me sexually when I don't want him to and he won't stop when I tell him, therefore I am not happy and I'm leaving".

You seem to be stuck in your head that you are only "allowed" to leave if it's "really" abuse, and you're going round in circles trying to figure out of what he's doing is abuse, because if it's not then you "shouldn't" leave.

You're battling the wrong issue. The issue isn't what label to apply to his behaviour. The issue is you're unhappy because of how he treats you and you want to leave. That's perfectly valid and it's what you should be focusing on. For now, forget the labels and the stigma you feel is associated with the labels. The labels don't matter. Start planning your escape.

What Cavagirl said - especially the last paragraph.

OP, just so you have a reference point, this is the Crown Prosecution Service definition of sexual assault “ Sexual assault is when a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or when a person, male or female, touches another person sexually without their consent. Touching can be done with any part of the body or with an object.”. That’s the legal definition. Remember when people said you seemed to minimise what was happening? Even with your minimised version of what he’s doing, people are still saying it’s abusive.

I think you may be reluctant to label what’s happening due to what happened to you when you were younger. You don’t want your experience to be repeated with your children, which is completely understandable, but things will have changed since you were young and it’s really important you focus on what you and your children need and deserve. All of you need to live in a happy, peaceful home where you’re not worried about constantly waiting for the next explosion.

Concentrate on @Cavagirl’s last paragraph.

But is it really sexual assault I'm sure this happens between lots of couples when the man wants sex and the women doesnt

I'm sorry but you have had literally hundreds and hundreds of people telling you it's not normal since March.

I don't know. When I ask myself that question I think the thing mostly in my head is that i dont want to make a mistake. I think i can be sensitive to things. Maybe I should do things differently. If it isnt abuse I should obviously leave a different way and not accuse him of abusing me. I feel like theres going to be little evidence and noone will believe me. I'll never get to do my college course and support the kids. He will have 50 50 access and be successful and take them on holidays blah blah and I will never be able to provide for them in the way he is. On top of that I will have people hating me. He will turn them against me and he has his family as back up. They will think I ruined their life for no reason.
I dont want to make a big fuss. If it's nothing.
I would like to maybe speak to someone and get someone to speak to him about it in a non accusing way and I think he would be defensive but not deny it. But if he is accused I think he will just deny and then it will be impossible to prove.
I know indont have to report him but if I take the kids to a refuge it will go to family court for access etc so it's kind of the same.

But is it unreasonable of him to keep trying when ibhavnt had sex with him in a long time and he is wanting it?
I dont know I think when I was younger it was seen as normal the sexualised behaviour etc and then husband makes me feel like I'm the unreasonable one.

If it isnt abuse I should obviously leave a different way and not accuse him of abusing me

Gosh OP, you've given yourself such a burden.

Who do you have to "prove it" to?

To whom do you think you are accusing him of being abusive?

You are not responsible for what others conclude from your actions. Please stop feeling like you're the Judge of him, and just take the actions that are right for you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to provide evidence to people. You're not on trial.

WA have listened to you, and said there's a place for you at a refuge. That's it. You don't need to be "right" about it being abuse if you want to go. They've told you that you can go and they will support you. That's it. Unburden yourself of the responsibility of defining his actions. You don't have to.

Because if I leave that way I have to prove why when he asks for access etc I dont know really I'm just freaking out really need to do what's best for the kids and so scared of doing it the wrong way. Taking off to a refuge and leaving everything will be horrible and scary and it's not fair on the kids to do that unless necessary. I just dont know what else to do. I feel like there should be another option.

If we go they will have to leave all their new xmas presents I know that sounds so silly but they will associate that with xmas and that awful year because of mum. We also planted a wee tree and some bulbs and kids were excited to see them in spring. Again so silly I know but to take them away from everything they love is a huge thing

Cone on OP. Your kids presents are not the priority here.

Obviously not. But they will remember that and like everyone said before lots of little things add up
Leaving their home leaving their presents. Leaving their pets. Leaving their dad. Leaving everything they know.
So it is a big deal. I'm just writing my thoughts down as they come. I'm still thinking I'm going to have to leave this way but I have all these thoughts in my head and I'm noting them down.

There will be other Christmases.
There will be other Springs.
They will all be a lot happier for the kids and you, without him.

Take some presents with you OP - you are allowed to go with stuff so take a couple of things with you

What they will remember is a Christmas without walking on eggshells without being shouted out and being able to be with their mum. What more do they need

@Cavagirl

But is it really sexual assault I'm sure this happens between lots of couples when the man wants sex and the women doesnt

Yes it is

No it doesn't

Op, I have been married for over 40 years and this has NEVER happened to me! I do sympathise , and that it is hard to get out of this situation, but please, you really must for the sake of your kids, get your big girl pants on, stop minimising his behaviours , and get out of there!

I have messaged WA support worker and told her how im feeling and asked for information on what I do when I leave. I know what to tske and precautions but what do I actually do when I'm in the car ready.
Do I plan this out or just do it on a random day? My heart is racing thinking of it

OP,

Think of your daughter.

Would you want her in a marriage like this.

I am married nearly 30 years and I have never heard the like of the horror and abuse that you are living through.

Your children are seeing so much morethan you realise.
They really are.

Leave for them if you can't do it for yourself.

He is an absolute freak and a pervert.

As your children grow I would not want him around young girls.

His behaviour is not normal.

@Chickencuddle

I have messaged WA support worker and told her how im feeling and asked for information on what I do when I leave. I know what to tske and precautions but what do I actually do when I'm in the car ready. Do I plan this out or just do it on a random day? My heart is racing thinking of it

Well done OP. I think you definitely need to have a bit of a plan. WA will be able to give you lots of advice as will the posters on here, once you're ready.

She sent me the leaving safety thing when I saw her friday. Gave me an idea on essentials and staying safe but not sure what else to do and feel like I'm trying to find my way off a cliff with a blindfold on. Hopefully she messages back tomorrow. I feel like I cant think of anything else atm in just worrying too much.

Offs @Chickencuddle just go.

@Catmaiden I’ve reported your post. How dare you come on and FFS the OP. This is her life, not some entertainment for you.

@Chickencuddle this is all progress- well done. You’ve had great advice here. I’m clueless on this but didn’t want to read and ignore. Hopefully someone more clued up than me will be along to advise....

Agreed, you are doing so well OP.

I’m completely understand how daunting it must all feel, just try to think one small step at a time perhaps?

@Goingdooolally what! Why?

OP, you can do this, the lovely person from WA is right there to help you. She understands and if you can only get yourself out of the situation, everything will start go become a lot clearer. You’ll get lots of help and support. Choose to take the step, choose to start a new, better life.

Thanks everyone. Yes I am going to go. He will never change ever. We have had so many talks about it I've told him how I feel so so many times. He agreed not long ago to stop of i ever said stop now its just getting worse.
I just woke up about half an hour ago to him touching me really quite hard. I had dd lay on one arm asleep on the other side.
I half woke up and pushed his hand away and told him to stop. Then I must have gone back to sleep or dozed a second and next minute realise he is taking my pants off. I woke up and told him to stop. He started touching me again. Grabbing my boobs squeezing and sucking I tried pushing him away saying stoo etc he said "what do you mean stop." I said stop means for you to stop obviously. He wouldnt and kept going quite rough. I said no. Stop and he kept saying what do you mean no etc you know you want it. Etc he kept grabbing my hand and trying to put it on his penis. I told him you need to stop dd is here and he said "so I can still make you cum" I said "stop its wierd you doing that with her her." He just kept going and I found it really hard to get him to stop with dd on me and without waking her. I told him to stop while I put her down. He said "are you going to put her down before or after I make you cum." I said before...just so he would get off me and i could argue with him after. I put her down in the cot and she woke up. He sighed and said "no cumming for you now"
I said I just woke up to you touching me again. He said " I was asleep too I woke up and i was touching you."
But even if that's true he didnt stop.
I told him dd was really restless and if he wanted a full nights sleep he should go sleep in the other room. (noone on ds bottom bunk) he went with a sigh
so he has gone there now.
I'm just lay here and I've felt sad and annoyed about it before but now I feel physically sick.