Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

I dont know about the first one...but I know he wouldnt leave the house. I could apply for housing from pur house or fight him for it. But I know he will be adamant about not leaving.
He just came in before was sat cross legged on the bed he again jumped on me nearly snapping my ankle I cried out and shouted "ahhh you nearly broke my ankle" he said "well why are you sat like that then"
Then again threw his weight on me... pinned me to the bed again. Kids are downstairs.
He would not let me go. He was so heavy I could hardly breathe. I kept telling him to get off constantly. He wouldnt he then started humping me
I told him to stop. He said "you know you want it too just admit it" then he kept doing it I said "no i just want you to get off now. Get off me" he said "oh look you're pushing back" (insinuating i was enjoying it and doing it back...i was not at all" i said I'm not let me go...etc. etc carried on back and forth for about 5 minutes then he let me go and i sat up and ge did it again.
He does it in a playful way but doesnt listen when i ask him to stop or get off.
He then was talking about xmas. I said do i need to get you another present? He said "maybe a stripper or a trip to the brothel" i was like "that's not very nice" he said "haha well i wouldnt say no."
Will just see how Christmas goes i think but I'm just so sad my heart hurts i feel like any option is just shit and i dont know how wr ended up here. Wish i could go back to not knowing tbh.
I think i make everything worse now because i answer back and have my own opinion and say no.
It's all so familiar. My aunt talked about my dad a while back. She said " the women in the family have to submit for an easy life or get out like you and i did."
I dont really talk to her it was just when my mum died and theres all sorts of complications which mean I cant talk to her about any of this. But I'm pissed at myself. Thought I had broken the cycle and was proud of myself for not ending up like them. Now look at me.

Okay so actually it's not just that hes sexually abusive: theres a creeping element of physical aggression here. Sure it all feels playful but it's not is it? Jumping on you, hurting your ankle, pinning you down so you cant breathe: all things designed to remind you that you are weak, he controls your body, and he can overpower you.

FYI I have been with my DP for 5 years and he hasnt ever hurt me. Not once (apart from the time we had a motorbike accident).

You keep telling him no chicken, and he keeps doing what he wants to your body: hurting you and sexually abusing you.

You need to stop asking yourself if theres maybe another way. You just said he wouldnt leave the house. So don't twist yourself into knots over this. You dont have choice, or options I'm afraid. You need to grit your teeth and get to that refuge.

OP yesterday was the calm before the storm he is escalating quickly I think you need to get out now and fast

@Chickencuddle

I'm going to leave him I am One way or another. But is the refuge the best thing to do? I'm thinking of school and college and my childrens friends and everything we have here He is very loved by all and people will think I'm a horrible person and a liar. His family will too. Everyone will be against me

Or should I call it quits another way and just face it and see what happens. But I want to talk to someone about how he is with the kids. I dont care about me. Just the kids.

Then they are not worth your time. People don't leave and go to a refuge for no reason. Get out OP.

@Chickencuddle

I'm freaking out because I cant prove anything. WA lady said sexual abuse is very hard to prove too. I just dont know what to do and feel like theres no options other than refuge and that will be a massive thing and make everything blow up. Kids lives will blow up Everything. My future and how I provide for them Our whole lives. Is there an easier way? Maybe I should just tell him it's over and leave him that way then speak to someone about my concerns...I dont know.

OP it's not clear what you're afraid of/ trying to avoid... Is it ending the process of ending the relationship? Is it living in a refuge? Is it reporting him to the police? (No one is saying you have to do this although of course he deserves it) Is it people finding out you've left him? Is it people finding out you've left him because he abused you and them not believing you? You keep asking about an easier way, but easier than what?

The refuge must be the easiest way to leave surely - you're gone, quickly, you don't have to worry about practical things like what will you sleep on, where will you live, immediately like you would if you tried to leave without any help. I'm of course not saying any of this is easy, it will be really bloody hard. But you can do it, we all know you can do it.x

Sorry for not being clear. I'm scare dog his reaction. His anger. I'm scared of him calling me a liar or over sensitive and I'm scared of believing him.
I'm scared of people finding out and what they will think of me. I had the same as a child everyone talking about me. Years of being the black sheep or drowned upon has its impact and most of all I dont want people whispering about the kids. Or them losing friends. I dont want their life to be ruined because I made the wrong decision.

It only matters what your children think of you and they will see a mum who is prepared to do anything from them.

This is the right decision 100%

I'm scare dog his reaction. His anger. I'm scared of him calling me a liar or over sensitive and I'm scared of believing him

You can control this. You can choose to have contact with him or not. You can choose to trust that little voice in your head telling you that you're right. A refuge will be no-contact anyway, so you will have that space. Later, you will be able to choose to engage with him or not, and engage on your own terms.

What you are feeling is totally understandable. But don't let fear of the noise surrounding leaving, noise which will exist for a relatively short period of time, trap you and your kids somewhere awful for years and years. What would you say to your daughter, if she was in your shoes?

Honestly, none of this will happen. It's 2020 and nobody cares if people split up.

It happens all the time. I mean yes people close to you will probably discuss it briefly, but it'll be a nine day wonder at the most. The few weeks after leaving will be hard, as new people find out and will naturally be a bit suprised if they didn't see it coming/want to know if you and the kids are OK. But apart from a few passing comments, after a few weeks- probably a few days actually - it'll be old news.

I could almost guarantee that basically nobody will whisper about the kids and they won't lose friends. If they did, then those people are crap people anyway. But I've not heard of anyone losing friends or being ostracised because their parents split up since like the 1970s. It just doesn't happen. It really, really doesn't. Even in slightly more religious than usual NI, it doesn't happen. 50% of marriages split up. Everyone is used to it. I heard that a couple I know split up the other day actually - friend said "so and so split up" I said "ah that's a shame. Has he moved out?" and she said "yeah, he's staying with his brother". That was the sum total of the conversation and I've not thought about it from then til now

As for him, who cares if he calls you a liar? It doesn't make you one just because he says so. Let him be angry - you still get to make your own choices.

He's not an all powerful god, he's just another abusive twat, and you need away from him.

He can call your whatever he wants but you know it won’t be true! You only get one life and you deserve to live yours in way that makes you and the kids feel safe, secure and happy and with a great mum like you that will happen when you all leave. Just think of the relief you will all feel not having the walk on eggshells everyday around him!.

Also I bet more people than you think already have a feeling what he’s like and what a prick he is! He acts like he is right about everything, when the reality is he is an abusive prick who only cares about his needs. I bet other people around you both don’t think he is the perfect man. People like that can’t keep the mask up forever.

I don't really mind people knowing we have split up. I just dont wsnt it to be common knowledge that I went to a refuge or that it's because i thought he could be abusive.
I dont want rumours and people taking sides. Our friends are all mutual. I will lose his family as they will all be angry. I know people say it doesnt matter because you know the truth etc. But it really matters to me. I've had noone for a long time and it's really shit. Losing people you love and care about is rubbish. I wonder if I could get out and go to the refuge so I'm out and away but keep things cordial in some way.
Kids go to school in a tiny country school and if I dont turn up to placement news will spread like wildfire. Everyone knows him everyone LOVES him and everyone wi be against me.

No I suspect they wont OP. We had a couple at our school where the man was well liked etc but when she went to a church based refuge to escape we all knew that she didnt make that decision lightly and we all believed her - because you do not make the decision to do so unless your safety and your childrens safety is in the balance. And please believe me your childrens future is in danger by staying with him. The environment they live in with his behaviour is a very dangerous one for them.

We felt bad for not recognising it - but it was after it happened very clear who he was (and he showed who he was later in very horrible way). The children now are with their Aunt and Uncle and cousins because of his actions and the younger ones are thriving. The older one however stayed too long with his controlling Dad and his ways and is struggling and suffering the most because of it.

Leave OP please - I can see in your posts what I saw in my friends and I wish I had been able to help her far more.

You arent out yet - you need too before your DDs follow the same sad pattern

He came home around 7.30 and I was getting kids to bed. When I went downstairs he was really quiet with me. Almost to the point of ignoring me when I spoke to him. Not being mean or grumpy or anything just a stark contrast to yesterday and his morning. Hes watching a film so I've left him to it while I wrap presents. Felt like he needed space. Feel nervous and not sure why. Probably just me overthinking as usual

Hoping you’re ok?

Trust your feelings.
Please don’t dismiss yourself by saying you’re overthinking.
💐

Thank you. Yes I'm ok. I just get frustrated with how he cant understand why I dont want sex atm. I have told him I'm dealing with things in my head. That I'm a bit scared of sex now. That I feel like I may need counselling. Etc
I've told him I'm so so tired I'm getting no sleep and no time to myself. Last night had kids all day by myself. Got them to bed by myself. Wrapped presents and cleaned up
Dd2 woke 3 times before 10.30. Then I had a shower and got in bed and I was saying I cant wait to sleep I really need to sleep and he jyst was feeling me up etc I made it clear I wanted to sleep. I told him to stop. That i probably only had 40 minutes until dd woke again and i needed to sleep. He was touching me and I told him to stop please i needed sleep. He just kept on and i crossed my legs to stop him and he was pushing to try and get in. I said " ow" a few times and he jyst ignored me and kept doing it I shouted "ow you're really hurting me will you stop" then he stopped for a second was like "oh sorry..well I cant get in" he kept trying then dd2 woke up again. I started comforting her and he said "well I'll let you sleep now then bt you have to let me soon"
Then he rolled over and slept while I dealt with dd.
I feel like he jyst doesnt understand I don't think he is doing it in a mean way to hurt me or deliberately ignoring me. It's just that his needs are most important in his head.
And I do feel bad for not giving him sex. But when he didnt want sex I understood and gave him space.

Oh OP 😞You do realise that's attempted rape?

No sorry I've not explained that well. Not with his penis. With his fingers. (Cringe. Sorry)

Ok, "just" sexual assault, then. 😞 This time.

Honestly, just reading what he subjects you to, day in, day out...

It's just so awful. 😢 And makes me so angry on your behalf 😡

I feel like he jyst doesnt understand I don't think he is doing it in a mean way to hurt me or deliberately ignoring me. It's just that his needs are most important in his head

Does it matter if he's doing it in a mean way, or if he's just putting himself first? Does it matter? The effect on you is the same.

OP your DD was in the same bed as you and he sexually assaulted you and threatened that he had to let you soon. He is going to rape you with your DD in bed with you. Do you get how bad that is - at some point I have no doubt that your children are going to show inappropriate sexual behaviour - how can they not living with him.

And I say this not to scare you but it will become a safeguarding issue and social services will get involved. Your Womans Aid contact pretty much told you that.

His sexual needs seem to come before everything, actually his needs to and that is no way to live.

If you want to protect your children from anymore harm you need to leave NOW.

I think you downplay it so much I dont think you realise how horrific it is to read - or how bad it could get if your children show it at school. Which they will OP how can they not living in that environment

Dd was asleep in the cot next to us. She was not in the bed. She has just turned 2...it wasnt my 7byear old.
I just feel scared that it comes across worse on here than if someone actually saw ot. He isnt angry or aggressive. Isnt he just trying to persuade me. And not respecting what I say. But is it really sexual assault I'm sure this happens between lots of couples when the man wants sex and the women doesnt

But is it really sexual assault I'm sure this happens between lots of couples when the man wants sex and the women doesnt

Yes it is

No it doesn't

That doesnt make it ok OP - your children are being exposed all the time to this oversexualised behaviour - what do you think will happen if one of them decides to act out what they have seen Daddy do to Mummy at school. The fact that he isnt aggressive just means it is something more normal to them. I am not sure you want to face the consequences of that because it would not be good.

Yes it really is sexual assault and no it doesnt happen in a lot of couples at all.

I think you downplay it actually I think it is actually a lot worse in real life for you and your children. I think you believe that it is normal to an extent and that he isnt that bad that I think the opposite is true. I think you and your children live in an horrifically abusive environment which is scarring them.

Dd was asleep in the cot next to us. She was not in the bed. She has just turned 2...it wasnt my 7byear old.

Look at what you are saying here - that because she is 2 and asleep it was ok. Its wasnt.

When you told Womens Aid they told you to go to a refuge. Not one person on this thread has said anything other than how bad it is and how completely not normal it is.

His behaviour is not normal. This does not happen in healthy relationship. Every time he is touching you when you are saying no or asleep (and can’t consent) that is sexual assault

Oh op, I feel awful for you. This is such clear cut sexual abuse. I'm so sorry you can't see it. I echo what others have said. Please leave for your own reasons, and for your children who are also being abused. They are being exposed to this stuff, I know it's hard for you to see that, but it's true. I just can't understand how you think his ignoring you saying "stop please stop , I don't want to, stop" is anything other than assault. He is assaulting you. Daily. over and over again. It's awful to read and I hope you escape.