Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

I have read this whole thread without commenting but just wanted to congratulate you: what you've just done takes real balls and it must have been terrifying.

I'm so glad you can finally understand how badly you're being abused and that you are now on the way to changing your life and protecting your children. Please stick with it: you are doing the right thing.

Thank you so much everyone

Well done OP. This is amazing to read, you've been so brave. This guy is a disgusting, bullying freak. It's been horrible to read. You have somewhere to go where you will finally be free to start raising your children the way you see fit. You sound like a brilliant mum by the way. This screaming and draconian punishment will inevitably leave its mark on the children so it's so good you have this escape.route now.

What about the cats and dog? Irrespective of what hes like with you, can you trust him to look after the animals or not?

He is good with the animals but I will just miss them terribly. Especially my wee dog which we have had since he was a pup and he is 8...nearly 9. He is such a comfort. He is used to me being there most of the time. Used to lots of cuddles and being let in the garden often/taken for midday walks. I will just miss him so much and I dont want him to feel sad. The kids will miss him too.
I'm noticing things more and half of me thinks I'm being unreasonable and nit picking and the other half thinks he is.
Yesterday the WA lady told me if I tell him I dont like something and he Carrie's on doing it then it becomes intentional. So I was thinking of that this morning g when he was feeling me up kn bed with the kids sat right next to us. I pushed his hands away repeatedly. Then when the kids went to go get their socks on I said "can you stop feeling me up round the kids I tell you all the time" he just said sorry then proceeded to feel me up again. I said stop and he carried on while saying "I'm getting up now...I'm getting up." I told him to stop again and he finally did and got out of bed. He then kind of fell on top of me and lay there they put his head in my boobs. Tried opening my pjs etc
I said stop it. He asked why
I said you're just constantly touching and feeling me up all the time.
He just said "so? You're point is...?"

You poor poor thing?

His boundaries are so shot arent they that he doesnt see the issues in this at all - this however is not your fault or your problem. You need to save your children from growing up and thinking this is normal and turning into him.

Can I be honest OP I had been reading your posts for awhile and I can honestly say at no point have I seen any examples of
You being petty
You being unreasonable
You being at fault
You overreacting
You nitpicking
Any bad parenting decisions from you

If anything I think you have been ground down by him and your background into normalising things that are far from normal.

She's right of course, it's a choice.
He consistently chooses to treat you like a sex toy and even when you tell him to stop he continues - you're just an object to him.
The sooner you can escape the better.
Sorry about your pets. Maybe somehow you can get them back, once you're gone - that's a thought for later. The priority now needs to be getting you and the kids out. You're doing so brilliantly, keep going!x

Oh wow!!! Soooo pleased for you OP!!! Well done! I think you and her are right that a refuge is the best place. They will make you not have any contact for him (as it can be a danger to other women there etc) and I think that will be great for you as you haven’t got to deal with him, and it gives him time to calm down etc so that when they sort a home for you and the kids you can maybe ask to have the pets etc back. If you read that thread people linked before, she said she was surprised at how fine the refuge was and that she wishes she had done it before. The welcoming and family
Atmosphere and the kids made friends on the first day etc, so you needn’t worry about the kids. Obviously yes they draw hun Xmas picture and stuff because they love him, he’s their dad.. but your not denying them this fact, he’s still their dad you just don’t want him to be your husband. It’s that simple, millions of peoples parents aren’t together, it cannot be something you feel guilty for. The kids would be far
More damaged if you had stayed with him. They will see your side of it, my parents split when I was a baby and I’ve never wished they were together and have always thought god how did my mum cope with him (my dad is lovely but he is very lazy). That is how your children will feel. You have not been petty once. He is like a dog on heat,
Humping and trying to unwrap you like a present at any chance, I honestly think he is the worst husband I have ever read about on here, I really hate him. Huge hugs, massive well done xxx

Try and contact a local animal shelter and ask them if they can help, OP. They often have people who foster animals while their owners are getting themselves set up. Well done and stay strong. You’ve got this.

Yes a loving foster home for a few months would be okay. Or if he genuinely is good with them and you think he would be attentive enough to the dog you could leave them there and come back for them once you're set up. You should go back for them though - the dog sounds like he is bonded to you

Thank you everyone for suggestions. I would rather he stayed with husband
He is actually very good with him. Walks him every day etc.
I know I'll get lots of eye rolls here but I'm really starting to doubt myself. What if I'm the problem
What if I nag and make him so frustrated then he loses his temper with the kids.
What if I should be more pushy or i shout raise my voice more to say no to him
What if I'm thinking things are worse than they are. Like yesterday I told the WA lady that he phones alot to see what I'm doing etc. Now today he hasnt phoned at all and I'm thinking is it every day he is phoning lots or not. I'm sure it is most days but then thinking about it he has cut down alot recently.
I'm so scared of taking my babies and traumatizing them if theres no need. Then I would be a bad mum.
I just want to do what's right.

What's right is that you get away from this man who has NO RESPECT FOR YOU. He is ABUSIVE. He sexually abuses you (that is what it is Chickencuddles, it's not pushing his luck or trying it on, he gropes you and he harrasses you). He shouts at your children. He creates an atmosphere of control and darkness.

You need to realise something, which is that women dont always leave men because their men are battering or raping them. Women leave men all the time because they just dont feel happy in the relationship anymore. That's all. People leave relationships all the time. It's called life.

You are not happy in this relationship, and to top it all off, he is ABUSIVE and you are disempowered. If you hang around another 15 years, you will be a shell of a woman, your daughter will be cowed in her relationships and will have learnt to be submissive, and your son will have become a controlling, abusive man.

Just ask yourself, what you have now: would you be happy for your daughter, if she had the same? No you would not.

A door has opened for you. Its going to be scary and unnerving to walk through it but you wont regret it. You really wont.

Leave the animals with him, and go to that refuge. Instead of feeling fear, feel uplifted that a new chapter is starting for you.

You can do this and you are worth so much more than this. Familiarity is not love.

I'm going to leave him
I am
One way or another. But is the refuge the best thing to do? I'm thinking of school and college and my childrens friends and everything we have here
He is very loved by all and people will think I'm a horrible person and a liar. His family will too. Everyone will be against me

Or should I call it quits another way and just face it and see what happens. But I want to talk to someone about how he is with the kids. I dont care about me. Just the kids.

If you didnt go to the refuge and you called it quits, what would your options be in terms of practical living? Have you looked into benefits?

Yes I've looked at benefits. The thing would be how to get somewhere to live or how to get him out of this house because I know he will dig his heels in and wont leave.

OP a few things a refuge will give you:

1. Support network of women going through similar
2. Help available from experienced workers who can assist with navigating the various systems, benefits etc
3. Your own space to breathe, rest and plan

Given you've told us you have no friends or family who can help, this really does look like a far better option than going it alone.

Your reasons for avoiding a refuge seem to be because that will mean outwardly naming what he's done to you as abuse, and your fear of people's reactions?

I think this is another thing for you to overcome for yourself. You have consistently come back to this thread questioning yourself despite numerous posters and now Women's Aid telling you that your experiences are valid, and what's happening is abuse. It will be bloody hard. But the best thing for your kids has to be that you stand up for yourself, call this what it is, think to hell with anyone else and get yourself and your kids the help you need and deserve.

So today he has been really good with the kids. Very calm. Ds spilt his drink at the table and I was ready for DH to kick off a few minth back he would have shouted really loud and made him cry and feel bad. This time he just tutted and said oh ffs under his breath. I cleaned it up. Ds was fine. Husband was fine. So I'm noticing he is getting better at some things. I feel horrible today. I feel like it's all me. I must be really harsh and making things seem big in my head. He has been great today and not shouted. Been calm. Helped out.
The only thing I could think of that happened today was I was lay on the bed this morning and ds and dd2 came in. Husband had been to the toilet and he came back and saw me and does this thing where he falls on top of me. I was like..."ow!" Then he just lay flat on top of me and wouldnt move and I couldnt move and I said can you get off. He said " I had to do that out were so seductive lying there."
This was infront of the 2 kids. But not very sexual I feel so silly even mentioning it but just that I've been told before things I didnt think were a big deal are a big deal. So I know that's not a big deal...is it a tiny deal or no deal 😂🙈 please tell me honestly.
Then later on made a few innuendos but nothing bad.

This evening dd1 wanted me. She wasnt in bed yet but was about to go to bed and he told her to get into bed. She said "I want mummy first" he told her again and gave her 5 seconds...she kept saying "I want mummy" but he ignored her and took a toy away for her not doing as she was told.
He kept calm throughout. But I dont know....its just because it's not what I would do. There have been plenty of times I've got them all ready and in bed and then he has come in from work. They have heard the door and wanted to go see him. I have often said "daddy will he up in a minute you wait in your nice warm bed" but they have wanted to see him and they've run down to see him. I just let them as long as they only take 5 minutes then up to bed. But I guess its different because I havbt been gone all day. I was actually on my way to her room anyway so she would have seen me in a minute. Imo he could have just let her wait to give me a cuddle before she climbed to the top bunk.
But again very small things or none things.. I dont know.
Sorry if that's so silly. It is so silly. But that's how good he has been today that theres nothing much to notice (or nit pick at)

OP he doesn’t deserve a medal for not shouting at his son for an accident, he still muttered ffs under his breath. If you live on tender hooks expecting him to kick off, so see the children please don’t forget that. Women’s aid has confirmed to you this is abuse and is what her ex was life, and she left him, so no, it is not you. Hundreds of people on here have confirmed that and now women’s aid. Like a poster recently said, you don’t have to find one huge solid reason to leave, some people leave relationships just because they aren’t feeling it anymore. It doesn’t have to be ‘no I’m certain he’s a monster’ etc, (I mean he is but) the fact is, he’s not who you want to be sat next to in 30 years time when the kids have all left and your stuck next to him feeling you up 24:7. Not wanting to be with somebody, is enough of a reason. Deep down, you know this man is not good for you. I can’t imagine the anxiety you must feel around him, my ex made me feel like that with his constant mood swings and 2 months later I cannot tell you how great it feels to not have that feeling in your tummy (even for something little like your son spilling a drink or your daughter wanting to cuddle her mummy before bed). He’s a giant prick xx

So do the children***

He is an absolute horror OP.
An absolute horror.

Because it is a daily occurrence of constant incidents of some sort or another, you live on your nerves.

I'm so sorry for you.
It will only be when you and your children get away and are safe that you will fully realise the full trauma you have been living with.

Please continue to engage with Women's Aid and make plans to get away.

No one is ever a total shit all the time, so there are going to be days when he seems less bad (I wouldn't even count the behaviour you're talking about as "good". Just "less bad") but there will be many more where he moves the throttle back to full asshole

Do you think he might know you've gone to WA and this is his way of messing with your head?

Tbh I still don't like his behaviour - the pinning you down thing, I would be furious at my husband for that, and I'm no prude. But that sort of sexualised language and behaviour has no place around children. Also he's basically showing them that pinning you to a bed to the point where you say "ow" is just something a man "has to" do because it's your fault and you were looking seductive? Honestly I would feel really uncomfortable at my kids seeing that, if only because after a certain age they'd be mortified to see it.

Also even on a "good" day he's fucking with your kid's natural emotions. Why is he taking a toy away and punishing your child because she said she wanted her mum? She's allowed to say she wants her mum.

Oh OP he wasn’t really good with the kids at all. He was still selfish and shit and totally overreacted to things

If that is how he is when you see him as a good father he is a very abusive one.

You shouldn’t notice anything the fact is that your good day was nothing of the sort just as a PP said less bad and maybe calmer

So a few times a week he will tell me the films he wants to watch with the kids and we are "not allowed" to watch them while he is at work. But alot of them are xmas films and he is working until xmas eve now. Kids were saying they wanted to watch home alone tonight but he was like "No! We are watching that when I'm off. " also xmas chronicles both films and another I cant remember now. Every weekend he plans the film we are going to watch when he is off and tells the kids in advance to make sure we dont watch it during the week
So I think this is ok to a point. But it's slightly annoying when he watches a film every night while I clean/wrap presents/do the elf/ deal with dd2 waking up and sometimes i could use a film the kids really want to watch to have a little break and make dinner without everyone needing me.

Anyway sorry about the rant.
He also told me this morning we are not allowed toys in the living room until xmas. We spend most of our time in the living room and have toys in there that everyone plays with/gets out daily. I asked why and he said he wants it clear for xmas. I said me and the kids would make sure its cleared away (I always do clear it away. He however leaves it out or pushes to a corner)
He was like "NO! my name no toys in the living room until xmas. They can play in their rooms. Understand?"
4 days without the living room will just be a pain. I said "I'm sorry I'm not going to agree to that" because even if I said ok and I tried...if they did end up bringing toys down he would say I broke my word and be cross.
He is not happy but I changed the subject and took clothes upstairs to put away. No doubt that's not the last of it.
Sorry so petty but I feel like he is in charge and I dont get a say.
I'm feeling so anxious about what to do. I feel like I could ruin everyones life by leaving in that way
I heard a friend...she left her abusive husband and went to live in her own rented house. Pressed charges. She said it's been 9 months of worry and it was so difficult
All his family hate her. Etc and she had lots of recordings of his actual behaviour etc and still defense lawyer tore her apart. I dont feel like i can do that. I'm sorry more to write but need to see to the kids.

I'm freaking out because I cant prove anything. WA lady said sexual abuse is very hard to prove too. I just dont know what to do and feel like theres no options other than refuge and that will be a massive thing and make everything blow up. Kids lives will blow up
Everything.
My future and how I provide for them
Our whole lives.
Is there an easier way? Maybe I should just tell him it's over and leave him that way then speak to someone about my concerns...I dont know.

If you'd rather do that OP then that's an option but

1. How do you think he would react?
2. Can you trust yourself to hold firm?
3. Can you see him leaving the house?

Honestly?

Please go when you can it really is the best thing they need a space they are comfortable in