Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

Good luck OP. You can do this, you absolutely can.

His behaviour is most certainly abusive.

I agree with the PP who suggests showing her the thread.

He is sexually assaulting you, sometimes only feet from the children. Controlling and micromanaging your every move both inside and outside of the home. Controlling finances. Bullying the children so the are crying and scared.

If you look at your first post on this thread, there's a little button called "See All" right at the bottom. If you click it, it means you can view all the OP's (your) posts, without the many other posts people have written in between. It might be an easier way for her to read them.

And she should read them - make sure you tell her you struggle to speak about everything face to face.

Thanks so much everyone. I did try telling her to read this thread but she said she prefers discussing things in person.

Tell her about what you have written in this thread. Explain to her about the sexual stuff, about him touching you when you say no, him touching you in front of the kids and while you are asleep.

Tell her about everything you are unhappy about. I promise you are not overreacting to things. Abuse isn’t just violence, it’s also emotional abuse and control too.

That's fair enough given you were emailing at the time, but remember that if you feel uncomfortable today, it's for her to go with what you feel comfortable with

Good luck today OP. She may not want to read the thread, but you could use it when you’re there as a reminder. Maybe explain that you find it really difficult to talk about things and that it would be easier if you could just read some things out. Just hold onto the thought that what he is doing is wrong and you need help. Xx

Omg I'm shaking. She asked if we could do 11 which is actually better for me. So it's so close and I feel so scared.

Good luck @Chickencuddle you can do this. Stay strong for your kids and for yourself.

I know you can do this OP. We’re all rooting for you!

Thinking of you OP, you can do this!

That's better to get it over and done with. I'm hoping you're in there now. Thinking of you. Keep us updated

Hey. I went
It was good to speak to someone. I told her bits and Bob's and she told me a but about her previous abusive relationship being coercive control and alot of it was so so familiar. It makes me feel like it's not just me being silly or petty. It's not that he has a different personality. Alot of it is control and everything being about him.
She said she was aware that she had a duty of care for the children so told me to be mindful of what I tell her and maybe stick with things about me. She wants me to do this myself.
She was so so lovely. Sue said she thinks I'm unsafe. I told her about the sexual abuse she said what I have told her is horrendous. She gave me the inside number to a refuge and told me I could phone anytime and they would have a place for me. She told me I can go see it first if I want to they will show me around. She said " I'm not telling you, you should do this...because it has to be your decision but im telling you this is an option. You will be believed and you will be safe."
I could have cried so so many times. It's just nice to hear that although now I've left here im feeling worried again about what will come after.
I am thinking more now that refuge might be the best option for us. She seemed to think it was. She said after christmas would be a good time as its lockdown again schools could be closed. Perfect timing she said. But she gave me her number and refuges number and sent me lots of information about leaving,what I need to do etc.
I'm worrying about silly things like leaving stuff behind. The dog. The kids possessions. Our whole life. Traumatizing the kids. But at the same time I think I cant stay like this. Hoping he will get better. Its been years of it. He is not going to change.
I do think she sugar coated things to make me feel better about leaving this way. I'm scared but I'm seeing it more as an option now as there doesnt seem to be many other options other than contacting police.

Forgot to say I saw a friend in there who also knows husband and was freaking out incase she told him she saw me in the coffee shop which she would if she saw him even a week from now she is the type of person who talks alot and tells everyone everything. So I was really scared and shaking after but we have a story figured out so ik hoping he believes it.

Well done!! I can imagine it’s difficult to hear that you are in an abusive relationship and your children are in danger, but hold onto the fact that from what you told her today she thinks you are in a horrendously abusive situation and would get a refuge place immediately. Keep in mind that your brain has been programmed to accept abusive behaviour so you may normalise things that the rest of us just couldn’t cope with. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with or that’s it’s somehow your fault for “allowing” these things to happen, it’s just that you have developed coping strategies to deal with really bad things. Keep reading back what you posted about your meeting to remind you of what she said. Keep planning and focusing on being free. I wouldn’t tell anyone about your plans (think you mentioned somewhere that you had confided in a friend and she told your H?) until after you’ve left. If you need to keep things out of the house (passports, birth certificates etc) then maybe ask a college friend or someone who doesn’t know your husband. Maybe rent a PO Box or storage unit to keep things until you’re free. There will be plenty of people who can help you get a list of things you’ll need to organise and the best way to go about it. Don’t worry about the kids possessions, things can be replaced (think about the super sentimental/favourite things and take them at the last minute). Once they are away from H they’ll be able to relax and not be scared and that is the best thing they could ever be given. You’ve taken the first massive step in getting your life back and are doing brilliantly!!

Oh @Chickencuddle so so pleased to read this, that you got your story out and felt validated, and can see a way out. What a huge step you just made, you should feel so proud of yourself.x

OP I am so so proud of you. Well done for going and for sharing - that can’t have been easy.

I truly believe you and your kids will have a wonderful life away from him soon. Don’t worry about possessions so much: they don’t matter, but you do. Your kids would rather lose half their toys than not have their mum.

Thanks so much everyone
Feel a bit wobbly.
Know it sounds silly but son came out of school with a xmas card he has made today. He chose to do it for daddy. He obviously loves him so much and just makes me feel so bad that I could take them away
I just want what's best for them. Is it really what's best for them? Just wee thoughts popping up but will keep this plan in my head too.

It really is what’s best for them. Children love their parents unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean that the parent is always good for the children. They don’t know what’s right or wrong and this is their normal. It doesn’t mean it’s what is best for them. That’s for adults to decide (and I don’t mean your H). Children who have an abusive parent don’t know that parent is being abusive so they still react in the way any child would. Children want to be loved and get their parents approval. The problems come when the relationship is founded on fear or abuse because that’s what children associate relationships with. They will grow up thinking the abuse is normal and that is what they’ll seek out in later life.

Yes it really is what is best for them.

She said she was aware that she had a duty of care for the children so told me to be mindful of what I tell her and maybe stick with things about me.

Look at what you have said here - she is telling you to be careful otherwise she may have to escalate the children because they are in danger

OP I am so proud of you. I know it must have been so difficult, but you did it! 😊 you are stronger than you think.

Perhaps take a day or two to just take it all in and think about what she said as a lot of process id imagine! Well done xx

Thanks so much everyone.
I'm really sad I probably wont get to finish my college course though. As having to leave my placement I'm sure I'd be able to do the class online 1 evening a week but it's just the placement and childcare is be leaving behind.

Dont know how I will ever provide for my children

@Chickencuddle can you get in touch with college? I’m sure they’d be sympathetic and hopefully could find a solution. Is it childcare or the fact that the placement is a long way away?

Both I guess.

It's also the childrens school :( so they will probably be too far away too.

If you explain to the college, I bet they can pause or defer. When I did a similar course, there was a woman who was on my class who had done 3/4 of the course the year before and had to take time out due to an operation. Depending on where you are, the placement and the college will still be there, you might just need to hit the pause button. Actually now is a good time to be doing college in your circumstances because of Zoom. There are ways round this. Be open and honest with your tutors and I can almost guarantee this will not be the issue you think. You will only be in the refuge until you can get a place back in your area (if you want to return there) and you will be top priority for a council house.

Take it one step at a time though. You did a very, very brave thing today and you should br proud of yourself.