Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

@ifonlyoureyessawsouls

Thankyou how do I go about that? I'm worried I will fall apart the last time I tried speaking about it all when I was a teenager I went to a really dark place was self harming, anorexic, panic attacks. All I remember from that time is fear and sadness. I shut down and wpuldnt talk about anything and blocked it all out and that's how I got better. I'm scared to dig it up again but it feels like maybe it's coming up anyway whether I like it or not.

Thanks for being so patient with me everyone

You would only talk about what you wanted when you wanted.
So for example there is something called "Distress Tolerance" which would help you to feel emotionally stable without needing to rake everything up.

Let me have a look at what is in your area and I will get back to you.

If your phone is safe from prying eyes i can give you some social media groups, apps, websites to look at too that support and help with trauma.

I agree with the PP and think you should definitely look into the stuff she sends you and consider therapy.

You've been incredibly brave and strong to get this far, many who have had similar experiences don't. When you had the panic attacks etc you were just a young girl, not much more than a child yourself really. You're a different person now, you're an adult woman with options, you're a capable and loving mother, a student, a good friend, and more to the point you have your children. You won't collapse and shut down and be unable to look after your kids because everything can be done at your own pace and in your own time.

Rome wasn't built in a day and things sometimes get worse before they get better, but keep moving forward and you'll be suprised at how far you have come

That was such a lovely kind post thank you. I will look into therapy but not sure I could get time away from kids to go. Although maybe its online atm

@Chickencuddle iv not forgotten about you! And yes therapy can be either by phone call or video phone call x

I have been looking into what's available for you with different options so don't think Iv forgotten

Thank you. You are so kind.

Just logging things. Seeing WA lady Friday. Dont want to forget things.
So yesterday he touched me in my sleep but when I woke up he did stop as soon as I told him to. But then in the morning and all throughout the day every time he was near me and oht of ear shot he would slap my bum. It's hard though and grab it. It's not nice the way he does it but it's hard to explain. It sounds wierd but he does it in a growly aggressive way. But again just hard to explain. He kept putting his hands up my top feeling my breasts. I kept telling him to stop and he said "just let me feel you up." I think he just desperately wants sex and so trys to pressure me throughout the day. But then it was wierd because come when the kids are asleep I was still cleaning up/doing elf stuff etc and he sat and watched a film and left me alone.
This morning dd2 (age 2) and ds were colouring in and dd2 drew on ds school jumper with marker. I had said a minute before could he give her a crayon as she had a marker. I couldnt do it because dd2 was having a meltdown and I was dealing with that. He didnt change the marker and then when he saw her drawing on ds jumper he shouted so so loud at her. Really shouted. Everyone cried. Ds ds1 and dd2 all crying and hugging me. Dd1 said 'daddy shouted so so loud and it hurt my ears' and he heard and spat out 'oh get a grip dds name'
Then he said ' cant you ever let ds get any attention for once' they were all crying and I was hugging them all. Dd1 does tend to get upset alot easier over tiny things so I do often deal with that alot but if ds ever needed me i would be there. They are just different with different needs.
That's my mini update

This is going to be a ramble and a brain dump...sorry in advance.
Dont know where to start...
Well I'm starting to get annoyed with how he is with the mods whenever he is at home. I find it either lazy or very hyper and always what he wants to do. For example. When I'm online at college on a Wednesday evening. Its tv for the kids and cocomelon or peppa pig for littlest dd on tablet. I dont mind this for a little bit but it's for the whole time I'm online other than getting them ready for bed. So a food few hours. Then tonight when bedtime came all hell broke lose. I dont know what happened exactly I was downstairs online and listening to tutor. But I heard alot of shouting and screaming and crying from everyone at different points. Ds was crying I think at one point over shampoo in his eye and I heard husband shout "stop crying like a little baby" he says this often to ds I tell him I dont like him saying that and he is allowed to cry. Husband says he is only allowed to cry if hurt or upset. I always try and explain he is upset about something....but husband wont hear it.
Dd was very upset. I normally allow her to have 15 mins tv while I get ds to sleep. She didnt get it tonight and was also jo allowed a bath. She got porridge in her hair so husband had said she could have a bagh to get it out but then changed his mind after she spoke back to him and said no bath as a punishment. He also wanted her out the bathroom while ds was in the bath and told her to sit in her room quietly and read a book. Dd doesnt like reading alone so I normally give her a game or some colouring or playdoh to do. Or she plays with the cats or whatever she wants to do. But again because he wouldny let her do any of that she flipped out and he got angry and apparently (dd says)he grabbed her arm really hard and squeezed tight and pulled her out of the room.
I spoke to him and said noone should do that to anyone but especially not a child. He said he just steered her by the arm. There were no Mark's. He was very calm after. Husband has a short fuse but dd can exaggerate alot so I dont know what to believe I'm guessing its somewhere in the middle.
Dd was trying to ask me something before bed and husband kept butting in and answering for me. Dd said "I want to ask mummy" he said "if you're asking mummy you're asking me." I couldnt talk he just kept butting in and talking over me
I was saying the same as him anyway but just the fact I can never talk.
Sometimes he gets very hyper and wants to do lots of things but he is rigid in what he wants to do. Example sunday he was off he is vegan. He wanted to try a vegan choc cake recipe. I told him I have one that works really well that I've done for his birthday before if he wants to try it but he wanted to try this other one because a lady from a vegan forum had given it him
Fair enough...but what ankoys me is he wanted ds to make it with him. Ds didnt want to bake and kept saying he didnt want to do it. Got quite upset. I was quickly taking dd1 and dd2 out to meet a friend
Ds was staying with husband. But I was only going to be gone 20 minutes. I said why dlesnt he do a jigsaw or something while you make it then...or you could make it when I get back and I'll entertain him
When I got back ds was sat at table head in hands "I'm hored I dont want to bake" while husband baked this cake. Husband was saying "sit here while I do it and you can lick the bowl" ds was ok ish with this but still moaning he was bored etc. Then he raced off as soon as he had licked the bowl and I went to play with him and dds. But then husband posted on fb. "Baking with ds" etc cake came out flat as a pancake btw ( I know I sound awful)
Just before I went to get a shower. I had just got dd to bed but she wasnt properly asleep. Dd 2 was with him Downstairs. He brought her up as soon as he realised I wasn't getting dd1 to sleep anymore. I said can I just have 2 minutes to shower. He said ok. But when I got out he was all over me like "oooo mummy" grabbing me etc and dd2 was sat right there. I know she is only 2 but still. I told him to stop and said "not appropriate right now" he kept doing it and dd1 walked in. He just pretended to be hugging me but I was naked. Trying to get on my pjs.

So think that's it for now. Sorry for brain dump. Telling womens aid everything Friday. I'm adding anything that even seems relevant. I was fine about it but getting really scared now and I know I'll get all tounge twisted and quiet

I think your getting the the ‘ick’ stage where everything he does is opening your eyes further and making you not be able to stand with. Good for you, he’s a horrible weirdo the sound of him makes my skin crawl and I think that’s how your starting to feel. Cant wait for Friday for you! Xxx

Oh no I'm getting petty and picky arent I. I feel bad now. But yes I think youre right. Lots of little things are annoying me atm.

It's not picky at all. If even one of those incidents happened in my house, it would be unusual and weird and I'd be wondering wtf was wrong with DH.

I think you actually need to work through these "smaller" incidents because what you're realising is that they're upsetting, they're unpleasant and they're symbols of his need to control, his laziness and selfishness, and his lack of respect for you.

Back in March, you kind of thought the only problem was when he had stages of being a controlling sex pest, but apart from that he was ok and life was fine. I think as time goes on you're beginning to see more and more that he isn't fine, in fact he's almost never really fine, because the whole way he relates to you, the children and the world around him is fucked up in a way you're never going to fix and which isn't going to get better.

A lot of these things that you're picking up on now you would have not been happy about in the past (because he's upsetting the children etc) but you probably wouldn't have seen it for what it really is, his inability to be fair, to put the children's needs before his own etc.

I think it's important to be "picky" - you're not being picky btw, all those things you've mentioned are weird at best and fucked up at worst - because you're truly starting to see how his abusive controlling behaviour impacts every aspect of your lives on a daily basis - you can't even take a shower without him turning it into something perverse, he can't even bake a cake with his child without using it as a way to control and bully,just so he can look good on FB

Good luck with WA tomorrow. Its scary but we're all behind you

@Chickencuddle

Oh no I'm getting petty and picky arent I. I feel bad now. But yes I think youre right. Lots of little things are annoying me atm.

Oh OP that is not what the previous poster was saying - she was saying your eyes are beginning to open to how bad he actually is and all the little horrible things he does - particularly to the children.

Please please tell them everything and access all the help you can to get yourself and your children away

Noooo OP I didn’t mean that, I mean it’s a good thing!! Your starting to see the little things we have all been saying, before it was the touching you focused on (rightly so) but now your seeing the things he does to the kids isn’t normal either. It was a good thing, I’m team you all day everyday!!

Yes exactly what @Quartz2208 explained is what I meant! I was tired and may not have explained it properly sorry! Don’t feel bad, you are the victim here and have had the patience of a saint with this horrible husband and dad who doesn’t deserve any of you. Xxx

Oh ok. Sorry sometimes I do feel like I'm being petty and sometimes if I say something to him about something small I think after what if I'm the abusive one. Because I'm picking at stuff.
This morning the house is a mess because he had the kids yesterday while I was in school/at college and I got kids to sleep etc. He watched tv. There was so much to clean and I left it because it is always always me that does everything and I had cleaned the kitchen sides etc. Itnwas late and I was tired so I went to bed. But this morning the livig room is an absolute tip and the kids rooms/bathroom.
So I'm playing catch up today. But if that was me that left the house that messy he would be on and on at me.
Just kind of realising the unequal standards and how unfair he is sometimes.
But then maybe I am at times..I dont know.

Your not being petty,
Your getting fed up of being used as a slave, a cook cleaner nanny and personal sex toy. Little things add together and make a bigger deal, sometimes it’s the straw that broke the camels back, I have known people
Forgive cheating husbands and huge things then one day left over the tiniest argument, because it can be tinies thing that makes you think no I’ve had enough. You see stronger OP and it’s great to see, your absolutely right tell WA everything, even the things you see are ‘small’ to some women they would be deal breakers. Narcissists push our boundaries so far that we start to accept unacceptable behaviour as ‘normal’ and ‘maybe it’s me, maybe I’m a nag maybe I’m sensitive’ all the emotions you are going through are 100% normal xxx

Seem** sorry morning coffee hasn’t kicked in yet!

Came on to say good luck for tomorrow OP.

Telling womens aid everything Friday. I'm adding anything that even seems relevant. I was fine about it but getting really scared now and I know I'll get all tounge twisted and quiet

Have you thought of some strategies if you find it hard to explain what's happening?
Take some notes, or take some screenshots of your posts on here so you can read them out or show her (if you do that please please delete them after).

Maybe also think about what you want to get out of the meeting? You are being abused but have no family or friends to help you get out, so please could she explain how WA can help? How can they continue to support you while you're planning to leave? Maybe some other topics too. Make a little list, even if it's just in your head. You'll be fine, breathe, and keep telling yourself you'll be fine because you will be.

Really hope it goes ok x

Good luck for tomorrow OP. I really hope they give you some constructive advice and help you. @Cavagirl makes excellent points above

Thank you so much everyone
Sounds sad but reading these messages and commenting on here gives me strength.
If I didnt have this thread I'm sure it would have done what I did last time and convinced myself it was all my fault and I needed to change and it was me causing the issues. I was so so close last time to leaving and then convinced myself. So thank you for being here for me.
He came home as I was getting kids ready before. Said quick hi to the kids then came up to me grabbed my stomach...like grabbed a handful of the far. Which I've told him so so many times I dont like and makes me feel bad. Then poked me hard in the boob and grabbed my bum hard. He kind of vrabbs it really hard and shakes it. My ds was in bed with a book about a meter away and then husband said "get in our bedroom now." I said "why I'm getting ds to sleep."he said "I want a proper hug with you" meaning sexual. I said no I'm getting ds to sleep. Then he went downstairs with no offer to help with bedtime. Kind of glad he isnt being overly nice of anything because its making it easier to go tomorrow.

It's not sad at all that commenting here gives you strength. It makes perfect sense - here you can be yourself, with no second guessing yourself or fear of consequences.

So much luck tomorrow. You can do it!!!x

Good luck tomorrow OP. I hope you find the meeting helpful. Tell her everything, even if you think it’s not a big deal, tell her everything he does that you are not happy about, tell her your worries and how you feel. I’ll be thinking of you x

When she sent me a list of examples of abuse when I first spoke to her there was so many really awful things on there that do not happen to me. Nothing violent. Doesnt stop me going out etc I dont know I just feel like she will think im silly compared to others. Thanks so much.

He may phone me around 6 times a day asking what I'm up to how was baby group or how was your walk. Also at the end of the day he wants to know everything about my day. If I've seen friends what did we speak about. What the said what we did

When we were younger beforw we got married i would go out with friends. He would alwsys phone alot but thay was it

But also thinking if I was away from DH I could invite friends over when I want. He dorsnt like friends coming round doesnt really even like me looking after other peoples children. Like today he was annoyed. Theres so many times I would have loved to have friends round but i dont ad i know he wouldn't like it.

Honestly just tell her where to find your old thread and this one.

Tell her to read them. Simple.

Best of luck OP.

You and your children are being terrorised by him.

He is an absolute freak.