Feel like husband doesnt care. 2.

[Chickencuddle]

Continuing from other thread.

I have recieved an email from womens aid lady. She said she thinks it's definitely abuse. She will ring me later to arrange a meet up to discuss options. I've told her I want to leave. She said she will help me.

Yes to the other posters

OP in many ways I get what you are doing

But I also want to scream from the rooftops

RUN A MILE

OH AND REORT THE RAPIST

EXCUSE OF A MAN

Oh, darling, that is so horrible to read. 😢
I've been where you are. ❤️
Please, tell me you are using birth control that you control xxx

Darling, rape victims (and victims of child abuse) are taught to freeze at the first signs of fear. This is your habitual response. You probably also forget things. (Selective amnesia. It is a coping mechanism.)
You need to leave and you need very intensive therapy to teach you new ways of being in the world, so that you’re not tempted to turn straight back around and go back. He is a very, very bad man.

I'm not on birth control I dont like messing with my hormones
But I'm certain I would know if he was putting his dick in me.
Even if he starts being really nice now and fine I know he will always have done these things and that he could again. So I wont let myself be swayed even if it's an ongoing battle. Sometimes when he is doing these things its actually easier to think clearly and not as much of a mind f*ck

What did you do before you were married, OP?

Did you have a job? Go to University? Finish school? Have you ever known an independent life without your twat of a husband? Is there anything you could go back to? Ever managed your own money?

When you picture life without him, what do you see? Not just ‘the absence’ of him, but what is in your positive future, apart from your children?
You need to start building up this picture, piece by piece, so it can sustain you while you are waiting to leave.

I worked in a clothes shop from the day I turned 16. Then I worked in telecommunications. Nothing exciting. I did these while with DH. I mover into a flat with him age 17. I got good GCSE results and did an A level early. Got a B but when it came to going to college lots of things happened at once and ling story short I ended up living in a few different places before moving in with Dh and his mum and step dad etc. Then the flat. I struggled to pay for the flat and study at college. I ended up quitting college and working to pay for everything. I was behind aswell from missed days or being late. I couldnt go on a school trip due to no money. Some girls turned against me and think I had just had enough tbh.
But regret it so so much.
I am doing my classroom assistant course now so hoping to do that in future.

That’s really interesting. You might wonder why I asked, I wanted to get a sense of you, OP, and maybe fire something up in you to get that woman back. 😀
There’s no doubt you have devoted yourself to your children but I’m sure you could have succeeded in your college course if you hadn’t left. I wonder if he ‘encouraged’ you to drop it?
The thing that leaps out to me is your lack of confidence, and no wonder, the life you’ve been living.
Leaving the sex stuff aside, not many people could cope with being scrutinised every minute of the day, that’s horrific and mental cruelty.

When you go to college, you will find lots of things have changed for the better. There is so much more support available for students, not just in their studies, but with life issues. You may find someone you can confide in. They may be able to help you with housing and benefits etc.
I really urge you not to give up on your course. If you got a B at A level a year early you will be fine with the study level. My only worry is if he will ‘let you’, that is, give you the time and space to study.
Keep trying to carve that out for yourself, I feel you’ve lost your sense of self, not your fault, HIS fault.

please please please, at least get yourself some birth control. You can't in these circumstances just say rather passively you 'don't like messing with your hormones' . You must take back some control - can you imagine how much worse this could all get if you fall pregnant? Sorry to sound harsh but you need to think more proactively on this

I'm sorry to have to say this, but quite bluntly as he's raping you when awake, (and possibly in your sleep) then you cannot rely on him for birth control. You do need to have birth control that only you are responsible for, and that is there awake or asleep.

And I have NO doubts you'd manage really well at college, if you can escape from his domination and control.

I understand and maybe under different circumstances but I cant get that sorted without him knowing atm and if he knew then that means he will take it as either I'm cheating or an invite for more sex.
Sex is very very rare atm and he isnt raping me atm he is just touching me in my sleep etc.

You can still get pregnant from him "just" touching you in your sleep (which is sexually assulting you)

I'm sorry chickencuddle, but you must at least try! From all that you say his moods are volatile in the extreme and you just don't know when /if you will be put in that position and I would think obtaining the morning after pill would be even harder. Everyone is rooting for you but there are some things you have to do for yourself, to keep you and your children safe, and this is one of them.
I have read your full thread by the way and I am also astonished and disappointed at how laissez faire your woman's aid contacts seem to be - I am shocked that they don't seem to be taking on board the seriousness of your situation .

he isnt raping me atm he is just touching me in my sleep etc.

What would you think if another woman, a friend or family member, said this to you Chicken? Would you be able to see, if it was happening someone other than you, how awful and shocking that sentence is?

Him touching you in your sleep is rape.him sexually touching you without your consent is rape.

@Chickencuddle

Also I didnt update before because everything going on on the threat but just so I dont forget Last night i went to bed and my dd (age 2) wouldnt go down due to snotty nose etc so i ended up just putting her in bed with me. Dh was downstairs so i must have sprawled out a bit. When he came to bed I was asleep. I woke to him pulling down my pj bottoms. Normally he would just out his hand down. But this time he pulled them fully down. I half woke and pulled them up and told him to stop. I fell asleep and he did it again. Again I pulled them up and told him to stop. He didnt so it again. But this reminds me of a few weeks ago I woke up with no pants on at all. Naked on the bottom but still dressed on top. I thought i must have been hot and taken them off in my sleep or something. Sometimes I do get hot but I normally swap my ph top for a strap top or something. So yeah that made me think it could have been him. No mention of it come morning.

I'm sorry , I honestly know it's easier said than done , but he's trying to raps you with a two year old in the bed. You'd be better in a refuge than this. How can you even look at him ?

OP he is touching you without your consent and displaying sexualised behaviour around the children.

Please dont he isn't because iv read your whole thread.

This is abuse against your children- not just you .

They cannot be protected while they are in that house .

God help you if the teachers become concerned , or one of the children says something odd at school .
Because at the moment looking from the outside in , you are allowing your children to be exposed to over sexualised behaviour. And that is abuse.

I've just read your whole thread op.
I'm actually pretty gob smacked.
That man is a piece of shit and he's got you right where he wants you.
The emotions you are going through are normal- wanting to leave, then changing your mind and thinking you're overreacting.
But...this thread has been going on since March(?), and you're still excusing him raping you in your sleep? It is rape, you didn't consent, you were asleep.
On top of that and being a raging sex pest, he's controlling your every move, he's abusive and he's affecting your children.
Come on op, I don't want to sound horrible but it's annoying reading your posts excusing him and not to mention the amount of times you've cancelled WA appointments, when you could actually get the ball rolling.
Please make sure you speak to someone from WA on your next appointment. If they are of no help or if it gets cancelled again, I really think you need to start looking at ways you can do this on your own.
It's going to be hard, really fucking hard, but it's not impossible.
You can do this, you're stronger than you think

I cancelled once....and it was a mistake I couldnt cancel my food shop my OH would know...I lmownit sounds lame but there it is and I've tried to meet up since and got another one booked.

fb.watch/295xsH3s1l/

Thought that may be helpful OP, it’s got all numbers in Northern Ireland and this in particular which is a 24 Irish sexual abuse helpline, so that you can call literally anytime that suits you :

Thank you I'm sure I phoned them before I first phoned womens aid. they listened and were lovely. They told me it was wrong etc but in the end they still referred me to WA. But will keep the number incase i need to talk to someone.
My past i have always pushed away and tried to forget rather than trying to fix it. Because i dont think it can be fixed and it felt like it was holding me back. But sometimes...especially atm with all these memories popping up in my head uninvited. I wonder if I need to deal with it all. The big mess in my head. Then I think I cant because I cant fall apart for the children. So I need to push it down forget get on with my life now...its the past.
Sorry that's so off topic. It's just that I keep going over things in my head. As predicted when he isnt really bad for a while I start getting the 'is it me...was I being dramatic...am I too sensitive' thoughts.
I know. It's a circle in my head and although I have those thoughts I also now have thoughts like 'nothing can change what he has already done. Some things are not appropriate around children even if they dont see.' And the biggest one screaming in my head is 'I cant end up like mum'
So conflicting thoughts all the time like a fight between 2 opinions in my head. But no matter what I'm going to speak to womens aid lady next friday. I'm just writing on here to remind myself.
He hasnt been home much at all because he worked a 7 day week last week and late etc. But last week he was unreasonable and inflexible I think with my 7 year old resulting in lots of tears.
He put me down infront of the kids not massively just said I was a pushover and the kids couldnt use him as a pushover like me. Kept going on about it (all iger the fact I let 7 year old have 1t mins tv while getting 5 yr old to sleep.)
He groped me in bed while the kids were there. Was under the covers so they couldnt see but I told him to stop and he said 'I know I know just having a feel'
My dd told me I looked pretty today I out a skirt on for working in the school. He waited until dd went out and was like 'oh yeah I wish teachers at school dressed like you I'd be bending you over the desk' etc etc. Grabbed me from behind and started humping me. I just pulled free and walked away telling him to stop. Has since done it 3 times. Twice before I went to school and once since I came home.
I've put on weight and he does this thing where he grabs my tummy fat. I've asked him not to and tell him how bad it makes me feel and that I'm embarrassed but he still does it.

So there just typing it out to help myself stay focused on the goal and not let myself get put back into the self blame box.

He's absolutely disgusting OP but you know that.

You're getting there, you are. You sound different. Baby steps.

You will need to deal with your past at some point - it's definitely not off topic - but obviously you can't right now because you're busy surviving - an abusive relationship is not a good place to resolve issues from another abusive relationship. Once you get out you can (another reason you need to get the hell out as soon as you can).x

For fuck’s sake call the fucking police

@Chickencuddle
Iv just popped onto say to say that what you are describing in your first couple of paragraphs sounds like complex trauma .
Im a mental health nurse and i specialise in trauma. Any trauma you are having now will either subconsciously or conciously raise trauma from your childhood.

You can 100% access some gentle support therapeutic work while you caring for your children.

A lot of what we do now looks at practical problem solving and managing difficult emotions to help you feel better .

I will post some stuff on here for you tomorrow.

Also i will tell you now that you are not alone in this and it is not your fault.

You would not believe the amount of nurses who have disclosed abuse at home over the past 8 months.
DV has become so endemic in our country that we are having to routinely ask all our nurses "Do you feel safe at home".

I work with one mental health nurse who was going through what you are , 12 months ago.
It was a rocky ride for her but she has now left , lives in a house with her little son and goes to work . It can be done.

Thats a really positive focussed post @Chickencuddle .

There is really no excuse for his behaviour groping you in bed , regardless of whether the little ones can see - and your a step forward today because you haven't excused or explained his behaviour away .

Well done