Teenage son reduced me to tears in public, hand hold would be really appreciated..

[Chaotic45]

I know I'm in the wrong and over sensitive.

I was out this evening with DH and my 14yo son. He said he sometimes thinks about which of his friends parents he would be friends with if they were his age.

He listed a few adults we know who he thought he would be friends with, and then said he wouldn't be friends with me. I was instantly quite hurt, but kept it light and asked why- but he chose not to elaborate.

I absolutely know my job as parent is not to be DS' friend. I am his mum, and that's different. But I was surprised at how hurtful I found his comment.

I suddenly found I was overwhelmed with emotion, I have had to leave him and DH (his step dad) in a restaurant whilst I made my way back to our room (we are away for long weekend).

I'm mortified that I flounced, but I couldn't hold back the tears and didn't want to cause a scene.

I have pretty much bought DS up on my own. He sees his dad occasionally, and I do whatever I can to help him see his dad. But I've done all of the tough stuff practically, emotionally, financially and for school and clubs.

It hurt to hear him list parents who I know don't go out of their way for DC like I do. It's always me who picks him and his mates up and drops them to each other's houses and the park (pre lockdown) for example, and it's me who does all I can to put him first and give him a good life.

I've done all I can to give him a great childhood whilst trying not to spoil him. It's been so hard, and I thought I was doing ok.

I don't expect to be his mate, but I guess I also didn't expect him to say something so unkind.

We have taken a long weekend as a family as we have all been working non stop since March. I planned this with him in mind- so we've done lots of fun and exhilarating stuff which I've had to dig deep to find the guts to do. So maybe to hear this right now is extra hard.

We are sharing a hotel room, so I'm now trying to pull myself together, feeling embarrassed and wishing I hadn't let his words hurt so much.

My mum was a very over emotional parent, she was fragile, an alcoholic and had a terrible temper. I wanted to be so different, and to be a strong, reliable mum, and a rock for my son. So flouncing and getting so upset has taken me aback.

I just feel so hurt and I don't know what to do and I wish we were at home so we could be separate and give me time to pull myself together.

@BeTheHokeyMan that’s not irrational at all! Grief is the price we pay for love - of course it hurts when our own children leave us and that journey is very bittersweet. That’s why there are whole cultures predicated on rules that tie offspring to their parents forever. for you too

Your son sounds rather idiotic! (And ungrateful, insensitive and a whole lot more.) Put his stupid comments out of your head and don’t let the little fool spoil your time away.

P.S I’d also be doing a lot less running around after him and his pals in future. Let the cool parents start doing the chauffeuring etc. for a change!

@m0therofdragons

You’re allowed to be hurt and it’s am important lesson for him too.

Dd announced tonight I’m not “mum” in her phone, I’m “birth giver”. It’s stupid but I was really hurt. Dd3 spoke to me like I was nothing tonight (I asked her to tidy her room) and then dd1 just sees me as the one who birthed her. I know in reality they love me but I couldn’t hide the hurt.

A friend received a birthday card from her own DD1 recently. It read 'Dear Birthgiver...'. Friend found it hilarious and I'm pretty sure that your DD just has you down as that for a laugh. DC find humour in all sorts of unexpected things and that includes new words and phrases. As a teen, when my DDad would phone DM from work, I'd shout 'Mum, it's your husband'.

So please, take it with a pinch of salt.

I dread the teenage years. I know it's them cutting the apron strings, but I see it with all of them - their parents become enemies of their freedom. Apparently they come back to you once they've found their footing as individuals. It's not personal at all I believe. Just be there and remember your own teenage years. Everyone else seemed to have cooler, calmer, better parents. Time taught me that nobody but blood actually gives a shit when push comes to shove though. I bet you did an awesome job. It amuses me that the dc don't see me as normal, I'm in a role as mother and that's all they see me as.

OP 14 yo's know not what they say is so hurtful. They're angry at that stage trying to understand their own emotions never mind anyone else's.
They normally come out the other side after many tears and battles on both sides and much perseverance on yours. Notwithstanding what do you know, you're not male and not his dad.
I had one of them too.
Carry on talking to him, they need a lot of love, security, confidence and strength.
You'll both get there.

@Chaotic45

I'd be more worried if my DS at 14 said he would want to be my friend...

But only knowing this in retrospect.

He is of an age when he is beginning to ''pull away'' as is only natural.

BUT....let them do this, and they return.

Don't take it personally.

My DS could be a right so and so at 14... Because of distancing. It is normal.

@Doliv63

My youngest son is 20 but he is very adamant that he will not have me as a friend on FB and I am the only person in our family that he will not accept as a friend. I was annoyed at for a while , but he calls me regularly from Uni and he is just finding his feet ...I really don’t worry about it .💐

Lol! absolutely! What son wants their mum as FB friend. My DS says I can be a follower on Instagram ''If you don't comment mum'' 😂

It is so hard not to be hurt and take it personally but it is fairly typical teenage behaviour. All their pressures and angst they take out on the person that they know loves them unconditionally. They are trying to impress you and get your approval whilst at the same time rebelling against it. You are the most important person in his life and don't forget it. Hard as it is, ignore this type of behaviour because guaranteed he will forget it and behave and say normal things to you very quickly.

My eldest thinks the sun shines out of his step father and bio father (neither of which has been around much or dont anything for him). But whenever he is lost or needs something, I'm his first port of call. I'm the ones with sometimes unpopular opinions because they are what is best for him whereas his fathers don't. That would mean effort on their part.

But I have also been a teenager and hated the pressures of having to be perfect and didnt like to disappoint my parents or worry them. I too thought some of my friends' parents were amazing whereas they were simply neglectful (I can see that now). Like I tell my 10 year old - it would be easier and cheaper for me to make her nuggets, crisps and chocolate for all her meals but it is important for her to eat healthy meals most of the time and junk food some of the time. When she is at her dad's, they have Macdonald's or just cereal or biscuits. He can cook, he just can't be arsed.

If it's any consolation OP, my 14 year old daughter says things like this, but goes much further.
I am constantly reminded of how much of a failure I am, how uncool I am, how she would rather have a Mother who sews and bakes. I am not that type if person and never will be. I have however always backed her up and always tried to be there for her emotionally. I am not well off, and am constantly reminded that all her friends parents are and can afford nice things for their kids, even though she mostly has everything she needs.
When this first began, around aged 12, I fell into a depression and really struggled with the hurtful remarks.
These days, I brush it off, as I know in years to come she will feel terrible about it. I grew up in an incredibly controlling environment so was not allowed to express my feelings about life at the time, so I could not relate to her behaviour. Good friends have assured however that hating parents throughout teebafe years is not abnormal, and i have learned not to take it so personally now.
I hope you can manage he same x

In the eyes of a 14 year old you will never be cool. But that’s ok, that’s not your job.
I wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with my parents either but I love them.
Don’t be ashamed of your reaction. It’s good to see that you have feelings.
I bet if you asked if he loves you or if you are a good mum you would have got a more positive answer.
Parenting a teen is hard!

You don't want to be the cool mum, you want to be the mum. Give him a few years and he will know this!! He probably already does

My DD had this conversation with her friends. They all discussed which of the parents they would be friends with.

It was no reflection on the mother/daughter relationship, far more about personality and social behaviour. The extravert daughter of an introvert mother, for example, said they wouldn't be friends as they are 'too different'.

My DS wouldn't be friends with me if we were the same age as I have no interest in gaming.

OP, do you think it could be something like that?

@Tiny2018

If it's any consolation OP, my 14 year old daughter says things like this, but goes much further. I am constantly reminded of how much of a failure I am, how uncool I am, how she would rather have a Mother who sews and bakes. I am not that type if person and never will be. I have however always backed her up and always tried to be there for her emotionally. I am not well off, and am constantly reminded that all her friends parents are and can afford nice things for their kids, even though she mostly has everything she needs. When this first began, around aged 12, I fell into a depression and really struggled with the hurtful remarks. These days, I brush it off, as I know in years to come she will feel terrible about it. I grew up in an incredibly controlling environment so was not allowed to express my feelings about life at the time, so I could not relate to her behaviour. Good friends have assured however that hating parents throughout teebafe years is not abnormal, and i have learned not to take it so personally now. I hope you can manage he same x

That sounds so sad. I hope she does regret talking to you like that when she's older. I do remember shouting at my daughter, "I hope you have a daughter just like you" and she shouted back, "That's not very nice!" It made me laugh afterwards - if she was so great, she'd want a daughter just like her.

Our teens don't want us to be cool.
What they want is for us to be the reliable predictable always there no matter what.
Eldest ds as a teen really let me have it one day in regards his absent bio father.(saying he had wrong name and was living with wrong family etc...) It was hurtful and I did cry, looking back now I can see it was all the things that he wouldn't dare say to his bio father that he rarely saw and didn't know where he lived.
But it's me who he phones if he gets wrong bus and it was me that he phoned when he was lost in the city. I'm the one he can depend on.
He also unfriended me on FB 😂 😂 but nowadays we send each other links on messenger of youtube vids

I mean to be honest though most teens want exactly the opposite of what they have got for no other reason than that's the way teens are wired it doesn't matter if their life would be something that secretly they would have described as their perfect existence when they are at a certain age if they were asked out loud they would say they wanted the opposite just to spite the person asking.

That's so true Ginkypig

Also, I think it's very important to try and step back from the actual words (however hurtful) sometimes and look at what is being communicated behind them. In other words, no he doesn't want to be your friend right now because you represent 'mother' who wiped his bum, tied his shoelaces, and to him symbolises "caring" and "being dependent" and 'home' and he is setting his sights right now on growing up and being autonomous and exploring the wider world. Even if that is not happening in reality yet, that is how he sees himself in future and what appeals and what he thinks of as "cool".

How are you doing OP? It sounds like you're terrified of turning into your mum, but you're not.

Maybe as well you're feeling some conflicted feelings - she hurt you but now you feel like she did, so have you been unfair all along? - but just because you have similarities or similar feelings doesn't mean you're acting the same way at all, and doesn't negate the problems she caused for you.

Words hurt, specially from the ones we love most and have a deep emotional involvement.
It is adolescence that the brain develops in a fast rate, leaving some times the common sense, measured words aside. Biologically the brain is in development until we are 25 years old, it is a fact.
raised by an alcoholic parent is very disturbing and emotionally unsettled, probably DH did not really thought the consequences of his words, and it is not even anymore in his recollection. I am a counsellor, would like to suggest you have some therapy, I do online if you are interrested. You are a precious person, um and friend.

I’m wondering if you have unresolved issues from your childhood,

OP I feel the same about my mum!!

Let me explain. I love my mum and she's a great mum! She was always there and I have always known she would starve for me to eat. I know I'm a good mum to my kids because I learnt from her

That said, there are a couple of personality traits I don't really like in my mum... because of those she wouldn't really be a great contender for a friend of mine. My friends tend to have different personality traits.

Maybe think about your son as the person he is, his personality, his style. And imagine knowing a boy like that when you were 14. Would you be close friends?

Sorry OP I think you're massively overreacting! Surely you remember how you were like as a teen?

I'm sure the parents he'd want to be hypothetical "friends" with are those who are either lenient parents or those with a similar personality to him. If anything, it'd be more concerning if he thought he would be friends with you! You're there to be a parent and guiding force during these teenage years. He has enough friends already. He probably made that comment deliberately, hoping it'll make you upset and therefore become more pally with him and let him do more things he can't get away with now.

What teenager is truly friends with a good parent who actually parents properly? To lay out the boundaries all teens need, there has to be a distinction of respect between parent and child. I was never close to my mum as a teenager and certainly would never have called her a friend, but now as an adult she's the first person I normally call. I dont get all those lax parents who want to be friends with their teens, no wonder we have such a problem with young people nowadays!

I'm sure he won't have meant it how you took it - though I can 100% understand why you're upset.

I love both of my parents, but if we were the same age I wouldn't socialise with them or go on nights out with them etc. We're different kinds of people, socially, and have no shared interests to speak of, but that doesn't mean we don't get on with the dynamic we have now.

Go and find him and give him a big hug and tell him you love him and that you will always love him. Tell him to be careful about what he says as we can all hurt people by accident when we aren't careful - but that you took it the wrong way too - and that (if this would make him laugh) you wouldn't want to be his friend either and you love him as your son. Make it up with him and go zip wiring!

I dont think he meant to hurt you and it doesnt mean he doesnt think you’re the most wonderful mum! Mums cant be cool - i cant imagine theres a 14 year old in the world who thinks their mum is cool. I think kids cant think of their mums as real people in their own right, because they are mum. I think you should laugh it off. I think he’s lucky having a wonderful, caring loving mum like you.