Teenage son reduced me to tears in public, hand hold would be really appreciated..

[Chaotic45]

I know I'm in the wrong and over sensitive.

I was out this evening with DH and my 14yo son. He said he sometimes thinks about which of his friends parents he would be friends with if they were his age.

He listed a few adults we know who he thought he would be friends with, and then said he wouldn't be friends with me. I was instantly quite hurt, but kept it light and asked why- but he chose not to elaborate.

I absolutely know my job as parent is not to be DS' friend. I am his mum, and that's different. But I was surprised at how hurtful I found his comment.

I suddenly found I was overwhelmed with emotion, I have had to leave him and DH (his step dad) in a restaurant whilst I made my way back to our room (we are away for long weekend).

I'm mortified that I flounced, but I couldn't hold back the tears and didn't want to cause a scene.

I have pretty much bought DS up on my own. He sees his dad occasionally, and I do whatever I can to help him see his dad. But I've done all of the tough stuff practically, emotionally, financially and for school and clubs.

It hurt to hear him list parents who I know don't go out of their way for DC like I do. It's always me who picks him and his mates up and drops them to each other's houses and the park (pre lockdown) for example, and it's me who does all I can to put him first and give him a good life.

I've done all I can to give him a great childhood whilst trying not to spoil him. It's been so hard, and I thought I was doing ok.

I don't expect to be his mate, but I guess I also didn't expect him to say something so unkind.

We have taken a long weekend as a family as we have all been working non stop since March. I planned this with him in mind- so we've done lots of fun and exhilarating stuff which I've had to dig deep to find the guts to do. So maybe to hear this right now is extra hard.

We are sharing a hotel room, so I'm now trying to pull myself together, feeling embarrassed and wishing I hadn't let his words hurt so much.

My mum was a very over emotional parent, she was fragile, an alcoholic and had a terrible temper. I wanted to be so different, and to be a strong, reliable mum, and a rock for my son. So flouncing and getting so upset has taken me aback.

I just feel so hurt and I don't know what to do and I wish we were at home so we could be separate and give me time to pull myself together.

Thank you all so very much for your kind posts, and to those of you who are struggling with similar things atm.

I really wish I had held it together but it's done now.

I didn't really think about the 'cool' angle at the time. It's very easy to see that I'm not at all cool in his eyes, and that's fine- I know that part of finding himself and his tribe is making sure he leaves me behind and doesn't see me as cool in any way.

Maybe tomorrow when we go zip wiring I will just let myself hold the coats rather than making myself terrified by joining in!

What a shame that our little trip away together has been spoiled by me like this. It's not the memory I was hoping to create. Best laid plans and all that!

Look at it this way... you are his rock,his mum,his champion,you love him unconditionally,you're always there for him. Without you who would he be? Where would he be? Friends are fickle,they fall out, they get forgotten about, they are replaceable.

He needs his mum, he doesn't need "George" .

A lot of DD's friends like me because I'm fun,easy going, I get silly, join in with their crap.
They don't see me making DD do homework,setting boundaries,keeping her safe , cleaning up puke,being grumpy,shouting , fretting about a million things ,reading to her ,stamp my feet etc.

They don't see me as Mum, only DD does and everything that comes with it.

What I'm trying to say is that in his eyes you can't be his friend(even hypothetically),because you are his mum and he needs you to be his mum. He'd be lost without you.

An (imaginary) world where you're his mate,he'd be without a mum. Without you.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

Look at it this way... you are his rock,his mum,his champion,you love him unconditionally,you're always there for him. Without you who would he be? Where would he be? Friends are fickle,they fall out, they get forgotten about, they are replaceable.

He needs his mum, he doesn't need "George" .

A lot of DD's friends like me because I'm fun,easy going, I get silly, join in with their crap.
They don't see me making DD do homework,setting boundaries,keeping her safe , cleaning up puke,being grumpy,shouting , fretting about a million things ,reading to her ,stamp my feet etc.

They don't see me as Mum, only DD does and everything that comes with it.

What a wonderful comment. Exactly this.

I'd feel the same as you. They can be so insensitive at times. As PP have said, it's fine for you to show feelings and how much he has hurt you. On two occasions DS1 said things that deeply hurt me and I couldn't hide my reaction. It did him no harm to learn that his attitude towards the woman who loves and cares for him most deeply and continuously needed to improve.

you are an incredible Mum.
Sometimes our children say such thoughtless things and it hurts.
He loves you, you have been his strength all this time.
It's not always appreciated when you are 14 and trying to be cool.
He'll realise in time, how amazing you are.

Dont be sad OP, like PP said, its because youre a good mum.

"It hurt to hear him list parents who I know don't go out of their way for DC like I do"

Thats exactly why he chose them, because they are casual, laid back, dont get too involved etc, which at 14 is exactly what any teenager wants! But NOT what they need. Youre doing a great job and I bet you a lot of his friends are thinking they wish their parents did things with them and for them like you do for DS! I remember growing up and thinking like that about my friends parents. Once he gets older and understands he needed boundaries and someone who was there always, and not just a cool friend, he will get it

I wouldnt mention it just let it go and remember youre a great mum

I have always told my DC I am not their friend.

I am their Mum.

I would take a bus for them but I am no their friend. Having said that I would find it hurtful but maybe understandable. I think you need to realise he was not saying anything about your parenting and would probably be surprised to know he had upset you.

Think you might want to let it go-you sound like a brilliant Mum-I don't think he meant anything by it

One day in the future he will recognise and appreciate what you do for him. It may be when he is much older, perhaps has a partner, children, is facing life’s challenges. He will then realise how hard you worked to provide for him. At the moment he has no idea.

I’m sure right now he can’t see you as anything more than a parent - and rightly so! You sound like a brilliant mum and your relationship with him will move on to a totally different level once he’s a fully fledged adult. But for now he really should only see you as a mum. After all, I’m sure he’s got lots of mates, who will come and go over the years, but he’s only got one mum.

I would have done the same.

My ex ruined us money wise and I fought tooth and nail to keep the house -I didn't sleep for years. After all that -yes I'd want them to consider me for a friend role. My eldest DC and I are best friends. I'll be flamed for it on here -but so be it. Comes from living in the sticks and spending two hours in the car each day minimum and being very alike. She would say I'm her best friend and vice versa -I'm also her mum but my goodness are we close.

So I'd be very very hurt too.

I'm reading all of these comments over and over, thank you. What a great place Mumsnet is sometimes. Thank you for understanding and talking so much sense.

I wish I'd reacted differently, it's done now though, I really really hope I've not damaged my relationship with DS. He is probably busy slagging me off to his mates on Instagram .

My lovely caring wonderful husband once said something mean to his mum when he was in his stroppy teen years. She cried. He cried. They hugged. He apologised. He never did it again.

Don't be annoyed with yourself for getting upset. He is at the age now he really will start to understand deep emotions and its not a bad thing for him to see how he made you feel.

Maybe see it as him learning how to hold adult conversation, through trial, and in this time, error.

Hopefully you can both move on from the incident in your own way and get along better in the long run.

You wouldn't do all those things for him if you were a friend. It would be a different relationship.

He's not rejecting you as a mum.
Just figuring out what his friendships are like.
You sound like a great mum, btw.

I think I was your 14 year old.
My mum was older than all my friends parents and it seemed like all she did was be a carer for my Nan. My friends parents always seemed younger or happier or just generally more fun... and I was the nightmare, ungrateful daughter who always told her this.
When I look back, I’m so ashamed of my behaviour and what I said to her.
20 years later and she is my best friend and I tell her often how proud I am of everything she sacrificed to always put her family first.
I agree that he is just lashing out at his “safe” person. My mum was my only constant in a crazy teenage world and I took out my anger on her knowing that she had to take it.
Now I’m a mum to a daughter with my attitude so I’m fully expecting karma to hit when she’s older. I can only hope that I deal with it with the same love and care that she showed me.
You really do sound like a wonderful mum and deep down he knows that.

Think of it this way, none of his friends would be wanting their parents as their friends if they were younger either. I can see why you're upset, I would be too, and I would tell him why, but try not to let it get to you too much.

@Chaotic45

I'm reading all of these comments over and over, thank you. What a great place Mumsnet is sometimes. Thank you for understanding and talking so much sense.

I wish I'd reacted differently, it's done now though, I really really hope I've not damaged my relationship with DS. He is probably busy slagging me off to his mates on Instagram .

Of course you haven't!

There's nothing wrong with him knowing that you do have feelings and they can be hurt. That he should be mindful sometimes because words do hurt. That parents are people too and we like to be appreciated and are worthy of it ,even if we're not swinging from the chandelier getting viral on TikTok(or whatever is fashionable now).

... honestly, I'm trying to think if 14 yr old me would be friends with any of my DC at 14yo. Not a chance with 3/4, if I'm truthful. Civil, fair enough, occasional laugh, but no remote chance of being buddies. We're just very different people.

I remember when my son was about 9. We were in the Magic Kingdom at WDW and he asked me to buy him a toy gun, to which I said no.
He went running off in temper towards the Disney Castle yelling ‘you’re the worst parents in the world’ to me and DH.
We laugh about it now, but I was mortified and hurt back then.
I only have one conclusion for you ... kids are crazy.

Just to put the opposite out there I am very close to my DD and one day she said she can't bear to think of me dying and she doesn't know how she could go on if I was dead. I felt terrible, we need to make our children independent and I feel I have failed. she is married so not like she doesn't have a life of her own, she doesn't live locally so we go weeks without seeing each other but she insists she can't even think of life after me. It makes me sad. Obviously I hope my kids love me enough that my death would make them sad but I want them to be able to go on without me.

OP there is a point where 14 (ish) year old boys switch from being little boys to boundary pushing, not always very nice teenagers who know everything but have much to learn with a hormone cocktail thrown in. There will be flashpoint not least because you are ramping up to the next level and stage of motherhood.

In time this will become a good memory. When he is a man and you are proud and can see how far he has come.

Can you get room service to bring you up a large brandy?

My 16 year old is putting away the Sainsbury delivery, just told me to buy dried mint next time ? For salad dressing apparently, that’s how they do it at his Dad’s - where he goes every other Saturday and Sunday - not weekend, because he comes home every night! He’s never stayed overnight, I’ve brought him up in my own, and all the things they do are better - well whopper doo!
He always comes home - even if he is a miserable war sometimes, we have to put up with each other, that’s how life is AND we’ve got fresh mint growing in the blinking garden!
Children can be arseholes, especially now because every thing is online, instant, can be edited or deleted, don’t take it to heart, he’ll realise that you’re already one of the best friends he could have wished for, he just doesn’t know it yet.

14 year olds can be brutally unkind. I would feel hurt too. I think it’s okey to say you were hurt by hit too. Put down your boundaries. I find 14 and 15 a really difficult age and then it gets better. Currently also have a 14 year old who gets irritated if I breathe but I know it will pass and he will realise how cool I am 😎

As a mum if 15yr old boy, yes they can say really hurtful things at that age (I’ve been chided by him for trying to look cool despite being so very very old ) and it is important at that age that they understand that parents have feelings too

How did your partner react? My DH is very good at putting DC in their place a bit when they overstep the mark like your DS did.

He’s just learning OP, as are you he probably meant no harm. Was just being thoughtless

It’s not even a problem that you would not have been his friend, as friends come and go but everyone only has one mum

I was instantly quite hurt, but kept it light and asked why- but he chose not to elaborate Probably when you put him on the spot he couldn't actually think of a reason but he didn't want to back pedal and admit this . So he bluffed .

But yes they are hurtful little shits at times . Keep the thought in the back of your head that he will mature and grow into a lovely young man.

I have a 20yo DS . Has no bloody empathy at all .I remember walking off in tears because I mentioned something about going for a bloodtest , he was "Why's that" ?
I was going for surgery , I'd never had an operation before so yes , I was worried .
He was "Oh , that ? I forgot or whatever " or similar .

I had to walk off before I killed him, uncaring little shit .
He has improved with age though thankfully