Teenage son reduced me to tears in public, hand hold would be really appreciated..

[Chaotic45]

I know I'm in the wrong and over sensitive.

I was out this evening with DH and my 14yo son. He said he sometimes thinks about which of his friends parents he would be friends with if they were his age.

He listed a few adults we know who he thought he would be friends with, and then said he wouldn't be friends with me. I was instantly quite hurt, but kept it light and asked why- but he chose not to elaborate.

I absolutely know my job as parent is not to be DS' friend. I am his mum, and that's different. But I was surprised at how hurtful I found his comment.

I suddenly found I was overwhelmed with emotion, I have had to leave him and DH (his step dad) in a restaurant whilst I made my way back to our room (we are away for long weekend).

I'm mortified that I flounced, but I couldn't hold back the tears and didn't want to cause a scene.

I have pretty much bought DS up on my own. He sees his dad occasionally, and I do whatever I can to help him see his dad. But I've done all of the tough stuff practically, emotionally, financially and for school and clubs.

It hurt to hear him list parents who I know don't go out of their way for DC like I do. It's always me who picks him and his mates up and drops them to each other's houses and the park (pre lockdown) for example, and it's me who does all I can to put him first and give him a good life.

I've done all I can to give him a great childhood whilst trying not to spoil him. It's been so hard, and I thought I was doing ok.

I don't expect to be his mate, but I guess I also didn't expect him to say something so unkind.

We have taken a long weekend as a family as we have all been working non stop since March. I planned this with him in mind- so we've done lots of fun and exhilarating stuff which I've had to dig deep to find the guts to do. So maybe to hear this right now is extra hard.

We are sharing a hotel room, so I'm now trying to pull myself together, feeling embarrassed and wishing I hadn't let his words hurt so much.

My mum was a very over emotional parent, she was fragile, an alcoholic and had a terrible temper. I wanted to be so different, and to be a strong, reliable mum, and a rock for my son. So flouncing and getting so upset has taken me aback.

I just feel so hurt and I don't know what to do and I wish we were at home so we could be separate and give me time to pull myself together.

[EarthSight]

I absolutely know my job as parent is not to be DS' friend. I am his mum, and that's different. But I was surprised at how hurtful I found his comment.

What kind of parents do his friends have? Depending on the situation, a parents might take that as a compliment. For example, he's not going to want to be friends with someone who frets about their homework and doesn't approve of under aged drinking, is he?

I think boys mature more slowly than girls. He might be 14, but psychologically he might be 10 -12 years old in many ways. It's hurtful, but he has no idea of the magnitude of what he's just said, how hard you've worked raising him and all that entails. Even if you tell him all that, he still might not really grasp it......until he might get his own kids one day and then he'll be sorry he said it!

[Skyla2005]

Teenagers are arseholes and they say things to hurt their parents. They usually don’t mean it but they can’t help it Try and shrug it off maybe say something like oh so and so would be a really cool son to have ! Make a joke if it

[Sickoffamilydrama]

If you can in a calm and rational way OP I would discuss with him how hurt you were by his words, part of what we should be teaching children and teens is how to not say thoughtless things that can hurt someone.

If it's any comfort my 13 DD is a right misery and snaps at everything and everyone at the moment, just tried to tell her about the thermals I bought her so she doesn't get cold with all the windows open and got a what do you want. I should let her fucking freeze ❄️❄️❄️ instead I'll speak to her about not being rude and I know she will be grateful as underneath she's a good kid like I'm sure your son is.

[billy1966]

@mathanxiety

It seems to me that this line of conversation was initiated and driven forward by your DS, and I would sit him down and ask him if he meant to be so rude and hurtful.

It's one thing to be caught on the hop by a question from someone else, but it's another thing altogether to bring up the topic and proceed, tank-like, to deliberately say something hurtful.

I really really hope I've not damaged my relationship with DS. He is probably busy slagging me off to his mates on Instagram
The way to improve your relationship with your DS is to stand up to him. I would make it clear that you expect him to consider other people's feelings. He is not a little kid any more, and a phone is a privilege.

Slagging you off to his mates is pathetic and disrespectful. Playing for laughs with you as the joke is not the behaviour of a teenage boy who respects himself. If his mates think this is funny then he needs new mates.

Hoping your H gave him a good bollocking.

I agree.
I think it's important for them to realise those around them have feelings and there are consequences to being blunt and rude.

As parents we teach our teens how to treat us and in particular, I think, are the first to teach children about basic consideration of others.

He hurt your feelings.
At best, thoughtlessly, at worst, by been disrespectful and rude.

You sound like a great mother.
Nothing wrong by telling him you are hurt and watch how he speaks to you.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

Is it rude and hurtful not to be able to imagine yourself being friends with your parents at 14? To me it seems like the most natural thing in the world.

[Sickoffamilydrama]

You are right porcupine but also is it right to voice that thought?

A 14 year is old enough to be taught that whilst it's okay to think these things and not want to be friends with his parents it's a very different thing to voice that especially comparing them against parents.

At this age they may not fully understand it all but isn't teaching them to be empathetic towards others just the same as any other life skill you have to keep repeating it until they get the hang of it by themselves.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

Yes but I'd make it a gentle teaching point, not the bollocking suggested above, because, actutually, I dont want my dc to feel they have to edit what they are thinking to please me. At that age (mine are 14 and 12) it is hard enough to get them to open up at all.

But maybe if I'd been as hurt as the OP I would think differently.

[Butterflyqueen990]

Aww if it is any concellation, my eldest brother said something similar to my mum when we were kids. I was the only girl and I recall feeling her hurt radiate off of her when he said something silly ( at a similar age to your son too ) to a friend that was having dinner with us. His friend mentioned something about how he had told his mum about his girlfriend and my mum playfully asked why she doesn't get inside information like that from brother. He said something along the lines of how he tells James ( the friends ) mum everything instead. Anyway, it hurt a lot I think at the time. I don't know how she responded to it but it's enough that I remember it 17 years later. What I will say is that now my mum and brother are the very best of friends, more like best friends than mother and son now he is an adult and a father aswell and he has picked a wife and mother for their son who is exactly like my mum, flaws and good parts alike. Even if you don't get the recognition you deserve now, he does love and value you and one day this incident will be a part of the 'my teenage son's tapestry that will only create a fraction of his overall identity and your experience of him. Don't worry about flouncing off, in the scheme of things it is nothing at all. He will meet a lot of people in his life who will do a lot worse, he isn't going to remember the time his lovely, kind mum expressed some emotion.

[Sickoffamilydrama]

Argh hit the post button too soon.

If it's any comfort OP I had to give both my DD a talking to tonight they've got into a terrible habit of being abrupt and cheeky with their dad, tonight he said something quite innocent and the next thing they make a whole load of comments. Luckily after speaking to them both about how I hadn't heard a nice word come out of their mouth towards their father for days they are being nice and loving to him.

I'll be keeping an eye on it and trying to make sure they don't slip back into that habit, unfortunately teens and kids in general are naturally self-centred/focused and not very self aware.

[Iloveme30]

I've a 19 year old and there are times we have went at it believe me ... exams , study , work etc my son's personality is super lazy and I'm a do-er so we clash . Teenagers are hard aren't they 😩 my son does his guilt trips on the quiet as in so and so's mom wouldn't do that (if he's in trouble like ) but he wouldn't be abusive or nasty .
Time to have a good one on one with him that's not ok 🤬he needs to have respect for you try talk with him but be VERY clear you will not tolerate that behavior again from him 😒

[mummmy2017]

Thought this might make you smile.

[billy1966]

I definitely wouldn't imagine my children thought of me as their friend at 14....I told them enough I was their mother and not their friend.

I often had to say stop speaking to me like your friend's, I'm your mother, when they were cheeky.🙄

I do think it is fine to point out feelings were hurt.

They will never learn without it being pointed out.

OP, hope you are feeling better.

[Ebonyrose1]

Aww this is not going to be a bad thing. That means you've done a great job raising him. If he wanted to be your best friend perhaps that would mean you were too laid back and soft? I literally wouldn't be friends with my mum. But I love her. In my case she isn't warm or affectionate. She has issues with that sort of thing. I've never found out why. But she never expresses emotions. You clearly do which shows you are not lacking in those areas. When it comes to opinions me and my mum just see the world differently. My mum is too harsh. Too quick to judge. She's narrow minded. She is boring. She has choosen a really dull mundane life. I don't believe it made her happy as she's so negative now she's older. She is happy in the house all

day everyday. As kids she didn't ever take us for a walk or a day out. If we went out it was because she needed to go to the shop etc. I take my children out so they can go out for walks and enjoy things. So there's a huge difference there too.

Also please realise that 14 is a awkward age. Teenager talk alot of crap. They really do. They haven't found themselves yet. They are complicated at that age. I can't relate to 16 year old me anymore. We grow and change throughout our life.

Just talk to him. I think that's the best quality a mum can have. Time and conversation. I never had that and I envy kids with mums like you who care. X

[Originallymeonly]

Op, I cringed reading your post because 30 years ago I said the same sort of thing to my mum, and now I know how she felt and I feel awful.
If it'll be any consolation, we're definitely friends now!

[AspiringAmazon]

I actually don’t think what your son was that bad to be honest and certainly I wouldn’t say it merits a stern talking to. Surely, teenagers should be able to express their minds without worrying to much about what they say and how they phrase it.
I often felt I had to walk on eggshells around my mother when I was a child for fear she’d either get upset or - worse - pissed off. Not pleasant. Later on I overcame that and we had some right rows in my later teenage years.
I definitely couldn’t see myself being friends with my mother when I was 14 and to be honest to this day I still can’t, we’re extremely different people and have next to nothing in common.

[BeTheHokeyMan]

[quote waterproofed]@BeTheHokeyMan that’s not irrational at all! Grief is the price we pay for love - of course it hurts when our own children leave us and that journey is very bittersweet. That’s why there are whole cultures predicated on rules that tie offspring to their parents forever. for you too[/quote]
Thank you

[rockofages]

I feel for you. Been in similar situations. Try not to take it to heart - teenagers are always testing the boundaries and can sometimes come across as selfish, thoughtless. If it’s any consolation my relationship with my son was occasionally very strained through teenage years and early twenties but is now much better as he has finally grown up and now sees things from all angles, not just his own. Try to put it behind you and know you are doing a fab job which will set him up for the future.