Teenage son reduced me to tears in public, hand hold would be really appreciated..

[Chaotic45]

I know I'm in the wrong and over sensitive.

I was out this evening with DH and my 14yo son. He said he sometimes thinks about which of his friends parents he would be friends with if they were his age.

He listed a few adults we know who he thought he would be friends with, and then said he wouldn't be friends with me. I was instantly quite hurt, but kept it light and asked why- but he chose not to elaborate.

I absolutely know my job as parent is not to be DS' friend. I am his mum, and that's different. But I was surprised at how hurtful I found his comment.

I suddenly found I was overwhelmed with emotion, I have had to leave him and DH (his step dad) in a restaurant whilst I made my way back to our room (we are away for long weekend).

I'm mortified that I flounced, but I couldn't hold back the tears and didn't want to cause a scene.

I have pretty much bought DS up on my own. He sees his dad occasionally, and I do whatever I can to help him see his dad. But I've done all of the tough stuff practically, emotionally, financially and for school and clubs.

It hurt to hear him list parents who I know don't go out of their way for DC like I do. It's always me who picks him and his mates up and drops them to each other's houses and the park (pre lockdown) for example, and it's me who does all I can to put him first and give him a good life.

I've done all I can to give him a great childhood whilst trying not to spoil him. It's been so hard, and I thought I was doing ok.

I don't expect to be his mate, but I guess I also didn't expect him to say something so unkind.

We have taken a long weekend as a family as we have all been working non stop since March. I planned this with him in mind- so we've done lots of fun and exhilarating stuff which I've had to dig deep to find the guts to do. So maybe to hear this right now is extra hard.

We are sharing a hotel room, so I'm now trying to pull myself together, feeling embarrassed and wishing I hadn't let his words hurt so much.

My mum was a very over emotional parent, she was fragile, an alcoholic and had a terrible temper. I wanted to be so different, and to be a strong, reliable mum, and a rock for my son. So flouncing and getting so upset has taken me aback.

I just feel so hurt and I don't know what to do and I wish we were at home so we could be separate and give me time to pull myself together.

I always wanted to be the sort of mum that my teen ds could talk to about anything. I was always honest and tried not to be judgemental but calm and wise when he told me about stupid teen stuff he and friends got up to.
Of course at about 17 he told me that I was so uptight he couldn't tell me anything because I'd always disapprove. His friends' parents were so much cooler than me and they could talk about everything . I was devastated. It was the opposite of what I had hoped.
Fast forward 5 years or so and ds told me that what he had actually meant was that one friends' cool parents would smoke weed with their teens and another would discuss sexual techniques and what he'd got up to in bed with his girlfriend. At the wise old age of 23 ds told me how pleased he was that I wasn't like that.
Honestly, you should feel pleased your ds can't imagine you as his 14 year old friend. That's because he is so totally confident in you as his mum (and because he is 14 he has the supreme teenage lack of empathy with you because you are mum). You're doing a great job

Seeing you blame yourself and talk about how you spoilt it and he's probably slagging you off to his mates on Instagram is heartbreaking. Please don't say that about yourself. Part of being a parent is letting him see that cruel words hurt people, and that you are a person with rights and feelings. Please don't be a doormat and let him turn into a selfish man.

I hope your DP is talking some sense into him. I have a nephew that age and he would never say that to his mum. And you mustn't say you spoilt the trip. This will hopefully be a growth moment for him The trip is not spoilt. You were understandably hurt. You do not need to feel like the bad guy or to apologise.

Teenage boys are a quandary sometimes, the want you less but need you more. You sounds like a great mum, be kind to yourself.

Have they come back yet?

I think there's just no link in a teenage boy's head that mum could ever be a friend. With his friend's parents, they are people in a way that you are not, and won't be until he's an adult himself. That gives them friendship potential, whereas his mind just won't see you as that. It really doesn't mean he thinks you're a bad mum, in fact I'd say it shows you're doing a great job because he hasn't had to realise yet just how 'real' a person you are. Children of neglectful parents are left in no doubt at a young age that their parents are fallible.
My mother too is a very sensitive emotional person and over the years I've learnt just to hold in my true thoughts so as not to upset her. Or I'll apologise for whatever blown out of all proportion slight I've apparently caused, not meaning it but fed up of the dramatics. It's exhausting. Well done for trying not to copy your own mum too.

It is hard to know whether he was lashing out or just thinking in a more philosophical way about your personalities and how similar they are. I am pretty sure my son would not have picked me for a friend if we were the same age, because we have very little in common- yet I do not doubt for a moment that he loves me dearly.

And to be brutally honest- if we were not related I would have been most unlikely to have hit on him as a friend either, again because we really don't have a lot in common. Yet I love him, I would give my life for him, and I really, really enjoy his company.

That's the great thing about family- you get to love and know and get along with people that you wouldn't have picked out of a crowd to make friends with.

As the saying goes ‘you haven’t done your job properly if your teenager doesn’t hate you’.

Still hurtful if teenager though. I truly think they do not recognise that we are just like other people and have feelings and just think of us as ‘mum’ and take us for granted.

Hel know when he’s older how amazing you have been.

Aw OP I feel for you.
I'm a single parent of two boys and have been since they were 9 months and 2 and it's been bloody hard.

Your tears and hurt are probably reflective of this struggle somewhat too so maybe it's not just about this evening - it's about it all being down to you and trying so hard.

I have 3DDs all now in their 20s & 30s.
In my experience teenagers say a lot of thoughtless things and can be a bit hard on their parents, despite loving them and knowing they are loved. Then when they leave for university and look back on their years in the family home with a bit of distance and hear stories from other students who have had a genuinely difficult upbringing, they develop an appreciation of everything you did for them which they had so far taken for granted. And they say so to you!

I think this kind of thing is harder to deal with when you’ve been a single parent and given so so much of yourself. I’ve been there.

I think he should know that you have become upset by this, and why.

^ That 100 times. He may be taking you for granted and that may even be a good thing BUT that is not a excuse for him to hurt you. He is old enough to understand that is a nasty comment.

@BumbleFlump

I think this kind of thing is harder to deal with when you’ve been a single parent and given so so much of yourself. I’ve been there.

Yes, absolutely this. I've been there too (and still am).

As others have said, it was probably just a thoughtless remark, he didn't mean you're a bad parent and he's no idea how hurtful it was. You don't have to pretend to have no feelings, though.

It seems to me that this line of conversation was initiated and driven forward by your DS, and I would sit him down and ask him if he meant to be so rude and hurtful.

It's one thing to be caught on the hop by a question from someone else, but it's another thing altogether to bring up the topic and proceed, tank-like, to deliberately say something hurtful.

I really really hope I've not damaged my relationship with DS. He is probably busy slagging me off to his mates on Instagram
The way to improve your relationship with your DS is to stand up to him. I would make it clear that you expect him to consider other people's feelings. He is not a little kid any more, and a phone is a privilege.

Slagging you off to his mates is pathetic and disrespectful. Playing for laughs with you as the joke is not the behaviour of a teenage boy who respects himself. If his mates think this is funny then he needs new mates.

Hoping your H gave him a good bollocking.

Adding my to all the others - I understand why you are so hurt by this. However, I think this could yet turn out to be an opportunity for a deeper understanding between you and your DS.

I would definitely discuss this with him, especially because your reaction was so out of character. And I would try to be kind but honest and I would say something along the lines of ‘DS, I know you didn’t want to hurt me when you said you wouldn’t be my friend if we were the same age and I’m sorry I ended up walking away. I felt really emotional because I love you more than words can say and for so long you have been the centre of my world. I know I’m not your friend, I’m your mum and I’d never swap that with anyone. But your words yesterday hit a soft spot and I needed a little time to compose myself. I know you didn’t mean any harm - but it’s because I feel so much love for you that your words had the capacity to hurt me even if you did not intend for them to be read in that way. Anyway, I love you.’

Sharing your vulnerability with him will teach him how to build intimacy and closeness. You may be mortified and he might be mortified - but if you can’t open your heart to people who once lived inside your womb, then what’s the point of it all?

Sending you and too

Math is right, you will never get any respect or appreciation from a teen if you let them walk all over you.

I guess we all take different approaches, rather than apologising for feeling hurt I would be looking for an apology. He doesn’t need for his mum to apologise and reassure him she loves him, he obviously already knows that she loves him otherwise he wouldn’t dare to say something like that. He is 14 not 2.

@mathanxiety Love the contrast between our responses.

I've read half the posts. I really dont think what your son was bad or cruel at all. He was being truthful for him at that time. Like many PPs I think that is because you are a really good parent and he knows it. You are his mum, not a friend.

I am a single parent, no partner and my child see their dad. Mine is being a typical teenager so to wind them up I sat there last night quoting from the wonderful thread on here on teenage language. Their reaction was so funny. Finally they said but mum please dont do that when I have friends over. So we have a good relationship but the homework, helping others, keeping room tidy etc is more important.

Now I, on the other hand, really upset my mum when I was a teenager. We were out and she was looking at a tshirt and I said well that wont fit. (She had put on what I know know to be menopausal weight). As an adult I am still upset that i said something genuinely cruel. I am not a cruel person and I know how upset she was by it.

So I would say please just move on. I dont think there is a problem here.

I wasn’t suggesting an apology for feeling hurt, but an apology for flouncing, which the OP said she wished she hadn’t done.

Teenagers’ brains undergo a similar form of transformation that toddlers brains do. Puberty is hard on everyone, but I am yet to meet anyone hurt by knowing how much they were loved by their parents, maybe especially when the reassurance came when they did not deserve it.

But yes, there is certainly more than one way to skin that cat. I want to be soft because I want my DCs to know they can be soft with me. Feeling vulnerable and hurt with people you love can be a point of reconnection and a deeper understanding.

‘ But I would not be quite so amenable to running round after him & his mates - let the cool parents have a go. Find yourself busy doing things for yourself, you deserve this.

I'd be very wary of doing that if I were the OP. Punishing him (which changing what she does for him would be in his eyes) for what he's said, especially after a conversation about it, is in no way conducive to keeping good communication channels open.’

I am not saying that DS be punished or goodwill be withdrawn.

I am saying that OP takes time for herself & is busy doing so. Running DS & his mates around is not a priority after all the many great things that OP does as a good mother. Dedicating what little spare time any working mother has to herself is a strong & positive message for everyone in a family. OP has set out not replicate her mother’s behaviours, done a good job raising him solo & now with her DH, & as DS grows up, managing the family schedule to carve out time for herself is a positive step.

Hence the comment about not being so amenable about running about for others as OP is busy doing stuff for herself. That is not punishing anyone.

If a 14yo sees Mum doing anything other than what they expect as punishment...

I completely agree with mathanxiety.

He needs to understand that whatever his true feelings, he must consider other people's feelings, especially yours, and keep his thoughts to himself if voicing them will hurt others. This is a lesson for all ages, and being a teenager and your son does not give him a free pass.

You are his mother, not his friend, and totally within your rights to pull him up on such a thoughtless and hurtful comment.

Surely he saw/sensed that you were hurt? Did he not care? I would put some firm boundaries in place with this boy. You can deliver the message or get DH to do it.

I am very angry for you.

I understand op it's hard and hurtful . Also have a 14 year old son and it can be hard sometimes. A few weeks ago I happened to meet him as he came off his school bus I thought we would walk and chat together but he walked really fast ahead of me and left me walk alone. Like you I was completely overcome with emotion it was so strange I had tears running down my face and was trying to hide them! I can't explain it I think it was the fact that the little boy who would have held my hand and chatted all the way home was now gone and it was so upsetting. Completely irrational I know but part and parcel of watching them growing up

Teens can be so harsh . He probably has very little idea why that comment would upset you so much op.

It's very difficult but try not to take it to heart. He'll probably say worse in future I'm afraid because it's his "job" as a teenager to gradually become his own person, and that involves separating himself off from you in certain ways, hence his comment.

During the teenage years hormones actually make us have distain for our parents and fight with them in order to encourage 'leaving the nest'. It's just nature - an evolutionary trait.

You should have just said that was a mean thing to say.

Teenagers are ungrateful and hurtful in general. Even knowing this to be normal doesn't make it any less horrible.

My youngest son is 20 but he is very adamant that he will not have me as a friend on FB and I am the only person in our family that he will not accept as a friend. I was annoyed at for a while , but he calls me regularly from Uni and he is just finding his feet ...I really don’t worry about it .💐