Teenage son reduced me to tears in public, hand hold would be really appreciated..

[Chaotic45]

I know I'm in the wrong and over sensitive.

I was out this evening with DH and my 14yo son. He said he sometimes thinks about which of his friends parents he would be friends with if they were his age.

He listed a few adults we know who he thought he would be friends with, and then said he wouldn't be friends with me. I was instantly quite hurt, but kept it light and asked why- but he chose not to elaborate.

I absolutely know my job as parent is not to be DS' friend. I am his mum, and that's different. But I was surprised at how hurtful I found his comment.

I suddenly found I was overwhelmed with emotion, I have had to leave him and DH (his step dad) in a restaurant whilst I made my way back to our room (we are away for long weekend).

I'm mortified that I flounced, but I couldn't hold back the tears and didn't want to cause a scene.

I have pretty much bought DS up on my own. He sees his dad occasionally, and I do whatever I can to help him see his dad. But I've done all of the tough stuff practically, emotionally, financially and for school and clubs.

It hurt to hear him list parents who I know don't go out of their way for DC like I do. It's always me who picks him and his mates up and drops them to each other's houses and the park (pre lockdown) for example, and it's me who does all I can to put him first and give him a good life.

I've done all I can to give him a great childhood whilst trying not to spoil him. It's been so hard, and I thought I was doing ok.

I don't expect to be his mate, but I guess I also didn't expect him to say something so unkind.

We have taken a long weekend as a family as we have all been working non stop since March. I planned this with him in mind- so we've done lots of fun and exhilarating stuff which I've had to dig deep to find the guts to do. So maybe to hear this right now is extra hard.

We are sharing a hotel room, so I'm now trying to pull myself together, feeling embarrassed and wishing I hadn't let his words hurt so much.

My mum was a very over emotional parent, she was fragile, an alcoholic and had a terrible temper. I wanted to be so different, and to be a strong, reliable mum, and a rock for my son. So flouncing and getting so upset has taken me aback.

I just feel so hurt and I don't know what to do and I wish we were at home so we could be separate and give me time to pull myself together.

Remember you didn't ask him if he thought you were a good mum. I'm sure, absolutely certain he would have said yes to that.
He didn't even say he'd prefer any of his mates parents as his parents.
He loves you and will no doubt cringe about this in the future.

Of course it hurts. My dd when a teen enjoyed telling how young and cool the other mums looked.

Deep down he knows this is hurtful, I'm sure he wouldn't like you to elaborate on which of his friends you would prefer .

Cheer up, thick skin on, teens can be... well not so joyful company.

Your trip doesn’t have to be ruined and I bet he isn’t slagging you off. Somewhere deep in there he probably feels a bit guilty.

Join in on the zip wire! It could be good bonding and you may absolutely love it!

I’m sorry that you’re so upset OP, but I think you are taking it a bit more to heart. My mum is the most amazing mum in the world and I don’t love anyone on this planet more, but I wouldn’t be friends with her if she was my age. We have different interests, I’m outgoing and love partying whereas she’s bookish and outdoorsy etc.
I don’t get on particularly well with my dad, but if I didn’t know him and he were my age then I imagine I would actually quite like him! Again, both similar interests, outlooks on things etc.

WhenDS was 14 I was apparently, the worlds worst mum. The worlds strictest mum, a huge embarrassment, weird ( not in a good way) At times I just got curt one word answers to questions. There was other stuff that I can't remember but there was quite a few occasions that I have cried in the kitchen, other times I've chased him like a mad woman because I have lost it.

Last night he took us out for a mead, we've had a goood laugha and talked about everything from holidays work, mutual friends , cooking etc. He is 24 now. He has matured and we are now in friend territory because his growing up is done,

You will recover from this. In your shoes I would be saying something along the lines of ' think before you speak and be careful which word you use. I was really upset with you before!'

Well, yeah ragged, I can't imagine it somehow. I was geeky but also out drinking at the age my eldest is and prided myself on not liking mainstream music. My eldest is very straight laced in some ways and loves her k pop. Meanwhile I never had any male friends so doubt I'd have been friends with my son and my youngest is the type of popular, loud kid who terrified me when I was younger.

Lets be honest too, how many of our teens actually know or could imagine what we were like when we were 14? We're just old farts to them now. I'm nothing like I was then really.

Would you be friends with him? I love my eldest ds, but I’d struggle to chat for hours about coding, Avengers and PS4 if he weren’t my son. Similarly he’d not be interested in what I’m into.
But I love him and I’m proud of him. And I know I’m the person who he tells stuff too, asks for advice and confides in. I’m more than a friend to him, and he is to me.

He is a teenager, and he is simply taking you for granted. His friends would probably list you as their possible friend, if not - then who cares really. You did well. He is so lucky to have you, you are upset because you care. ❤️

Ah , OP .

You know that you can be the strong reliable mum you want to be , yet still be hurt by this , don’t you ? They’re not mutually exclusive . It’s ok to be upset .

I’m currently reading this in the bath , after having been screamed at by my DD to eff off , called a fat fuck , and told I contribute nothing . Which is odd , because I also got accused of never being here because I’m always at work . This is the DD for which I have daily conversations with her school ( at one point I brought my own mug ) , have pretty much singlehandedly fought her corner since she was 12, taken on the education authorities to get her into the right school , and then fought for her at a governors board meeting not to get her permanently excluded . She has ODD , which means that when she gets upset , she really lashes out , but it’s always at me.

I too , try to be the stoic , reliable , mum. But you know what ? I’m getting to the point where I’m fantasising about getting somewhere else to live . On my own , with the dog . Will I do anything about it ? Of course not . But it’s looking really attractive .

They don’t think , teenagers . They say things off the cuff , not thinking for one moment that that remark will be remembered for a long long time .

Weird conversation for a 14yr old to bring up...

Thing is, this kid isn't saying anything negative about the op as a mum, he's trying to imagine being friends with someone who's presumably in her 40s/50s and nothing like she was as a teen. He can't imagine being friends with someone who, for example, wears a fleece and likes reading and doing jigsaws. He has no idea that 14 year old mum might have been sneaking into the pub under age drinking and wearing whatever was the latest fashion for back then.

@Chaotic45 for being such a fabulous Mum.

Yes he is just 14yo, yes he is testing his boundaries, yes he was thoughtless in his comments. BUT he did hurt you feelings & he does need to learn that being hurtful has consequences - not always immediately known.

So I suggest that you treat your self now to warm relaxing bath, steam away the tears from your eyes & prepare for an early night. They will come back to the room soon to find you calm & relaxed.

Try for a good nights sleep as best you can because tomorrow you will discuss this with your son & help him to understand that you were hurt, that not everyone he treats like that in the future will be as ‘safe’ as you & he cannot know how they will respond. You love him unconditionally & so can forgive him, others will not.

He also needs to learn to apologise directly to the person he has hurt - another step in growing up.

I said a few horrible things to my DM. She really only ever had the best intentions, it felt like she didn’t want me to have any fun. She wasn’t wrong. She taught me so much just by seeing how she treated people and how she would put her full effort into things and also thinking independently. I’d have swapped her then, but now (and since I was about 21) if I could go back and change her - NO WAY!!
You’re not really flouncing, it’s ok to be upset by them sometimes.

Because he sees you as an amazing mum this is different from a friend. It's a beautiful compliment tbh although I can see why it hurt your feelings

At his age kids have quite a narrow definition of 'friend'. Rather than 'person I care about and like spending time with', it's 'peer i hang out with at school'. The things you do for him make you a good mum, but driving him places and making him do his homework and taking care of him when he's sick aren't what 'friends' do. Friends play football and minecraft and gossip about classmates. He can't imagine you as a peer, that doesn't mean he doesn't love and appreciate you

@Chaotic45

I'm reading all of these comments over and over, thank you. What a great place Mumsnet is sometimes. Thank you for understanding and talking so much sense.

I wish I'd reacted differently, it's done now though, I really really hope I've not damaged my relationship with DS. He is probably busy slagging me off to his mates on Instagram .

While I definitely don't want to bring the thread down because honestly Iv done a lot of work and it isn't something I dwell on and as long as I keep my rules in place to protect my "heart" we get on fine now. In fact like her as a person but I don't don't rely her as a mother and I don't think I ever will but

my mother was the cool young mum everyone wanted to be friends with or would say I wish she was my mum and "aren't you so lucky ginkypig that she is your mum" but behind closed doors as a mother she was at best uninterested in her children and constantly irritated and annoyed by them, and at worst emotionally (and on a couple of occasions physically) abusive. There was a time I'd rather have lived on the streets than had my living situation!

All I am saying is the grass is always greener on the other side but normally if you are far enough away you don't see the grass there is full of shit!

The best mums in my experience are not the ones all the kids want as friends but the ones who might well be boring but they are safe and keep children in boundaries so they feel safe.
The ones they all want as friends generally are the ones who they see as an adult who is just like them (so like a massive teenager) but has a house I could crash at.
Who really wants a parent just like a teen.

Of course as a couple of posters have shown by sharing their experiences my example isn't true of all cool parents so don't anyone be thinking I'm calling them a bad mother!

I dont think he needs to apologise at all. Of course he doesnt see his mum as potential friendship material - he's 14. He may feel differently later on, he may not. It says nothing about how he feels about you as a mother.

He’s just testing you. I have a very lovely DM but I didn’t appreciate that aged 14. Because she wasn’t my friend, she was my parent. Other friends seem to have very cool parents but now looking back that wasn’t the case at all. I’d have my mum over theirs every single day. My mum is my rock now and I’m trying to be hers xxxx

Oh OP, he's telling you you'll always be his precious Mum, more important than any friend.

Teens are not known for their tact or how articulate they are. Don't worry at all, he's 14 and it's his job to do awkward better than any of us could.

Oh, I feel for you OP. It is so hard when they say something so cutting. The thing is usually they don’t mean it with malice in the same way that we feel it.

I don’t think you have spoilt the weekend, it is not always an awful thing for them to know they have upset you and been thoughtless. We spend all our time doing things for them that they forget we are human too.

I hope your evening gets better, sending

You sound like a fantastic mum, OP. I can remember having a tricky relationship with my mum in my teens - the generation gap felt huge and adolescents just forget about empathy for a few years. I really came on to say that I became really firm friends with my mum as an adult, and it was lovely. The generation gap mattered a bit less and I’d discovered empathy as well. I’ve no doubt your son will be your friend too.

Hi Op, there are several stages to growing up

1 A child thinks their parents are infallible
2 A teen thinks their parents can do nothing right
3 An adult accepts their parents are human and accepts or denies them on merit

All a bit trite but he is a teen!

Oh I would have been the same. I cried because all my 3 wanted to go on a fabricated holiday with their Dad and not me during lockdown. They were only teasing.
what it actually means is that you are doing a fantastic job. Because as a single parent for most of that time it's very hard to create a clear parent-child divide from the many friends of mine who have had children on their own. and what you have managed to do is create a child that is independent of you. And at that age (where one of mine is) 14 they are totally meant to find you the most annoying twat in the world. This gives them the opportunity to break away from you I become adult. Only a really good parent give their child the strength to do that.
Having watched my step son with his mum he will come back to you.

Sorry for all the typos!

I'm sorry you were hurt by what he said but I don't think he was mean or at least trying to be. I certainly didn't view my parents as my friends when I was a teenager. Leaving sounds a little dramatic, I would have excused myself to the restroom, taken a couple of breaths, composed myself and come back for a lovely dinner with my family.