Teenage son reduced me to tears in public, hand hold would be really appreciated..

[Chaotic45]

I know I'm in the wrong and over sensitive.

I was out this evening with DH and my 14yo son. He said he sometimes thinks about which of his friends parents he would be friends with if they were his age.

He listed a few adults we know who he thought he would be friends with, and then said he wouldn't be friends with me. I was instantly quite hurt, but kept it light and asked why- but he chose not to elaborate.

I absolutely know my job as parent is not to be DS' friend. I am his mum, and that's different. But I was surprised at how hurtful I found his comment.

I suddenly found I was overwhelmed with emotion, I have had to leave him and DH (his step dad) in a restaurant whilst I made my way back to our room (we are away for long weekend).

I'm mortified that I flounced, but I couldn't hold back the tears and didn't want to cause a scene.

I have pretty much bought DS up on my own. He sees his dad occasionally, and I do whatever I can to help him see his dad. But I've done all of the tough stuff practically, emotionally, financially and for school and clubs.

It hurt to hear him list parents who I know don't go out of their way for DC like I do. It's always me who picks him and his mates up and drops them to each other's houses and the park (pre lockdown) for example, and it's me who does all I can to put him first and give him a good life.

I've done all I can to give him a great childhood whilst trying not to spoil him. It's been so hard, and I thought I was doing ok.

I don't expect to be his mate, but I guess I also didn't expect him to say something so unkind.

We have taken a long weekend as a family as we have all been working non stop since March. I planned this with him in mind- so we've done lots of fun and exhilarating stuff which I've had to dig deep to find the guts to do. So maybe to hear this right now is extra hard.

We are sharing a hotel room, so I'm now trying to pull myself together, feeling embarrassed and wishing I hadn't let his words hurt so much.

My mum was a very over emotional parent, she was fragile, an alcoholic and had a terrible temper. I wanted to be so different, and to be a strong, reliable mum, and a rock for my son. So flouncing and getting so upset has taken me aback.

I just feel so hurt and I don't know what to do and I wish we were at home so we could be separate and give me time to pull myself together.

[Kashtan]

I don’t think he needs to apologise, and also it is testament to the fact you have done a great job as a parent. It is a totally different role to being a friend, and I always cringe when parents tell me their kid is their best friend, that’s not in the job description ( although when they are adults that may change).

[ShesMadeATwatOfMePam]

I'm wondering if you do so much for him, you don't show him who you really are aside from mum? Like he doesn't actually know much about you as a person? Maybe he doesn't think you've got any genuinely shared interests? Maybe Harry's mum is into gaming, or sports and you're not.

Are you spending so much time facilitating your son you've forgotten your own interests?

[ExtenuatingCircumstances]

[MintyMills]

It's a shame you're feeling hurt but this is a total overreaction. I'd have just laughed it off and said 'yes, I'm seeing where you're coming from. If I could go back 30 years I'm not sure I'd be mates with you' and just laugh. It's honestly such a nothing thing unless this is a pattern of behaviour and he's often deliberately unkind - in which case, he needs firmly putting back in place

[BletheringHeights]

I don’t think either of you need to mention it again unless he brings it up, but to be honest I don’t think your reaction was the worst thing ever for him... I mean, if you’re normally pretty stoic and chipper all the time this has probably been an earth-shattering revelation: ‘wow, mum is like a real person with FEELINGS and everything, and if I say something thoughtless or mean she might even be HURT!!! Insane!’

Part of bringing up kids is teaching them to be kind to those around them as otherwise they could upset people!

[bearfood]

My DS would have said the same at 14. He's now 16 and would have a very different answer. 14 year olds are generally a bit selfish and like to say things to shock. I know it hurts but it's just precisely because he knows (or thinks!) he can say anything to you and be 'safe' to say it that he's said such a thing. If you were anything like your mim he wouldn't...what I'm trying to say is, you've done what you set out to do, you're not like her and you've done a great job.

[bearfood]

Mum not mim!

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

I can understand why you felt hurt, OP, but I think he may well mean something like this, as Comeonbaby says:
you are his rock, his mum, his champion, you love him unconditionally, you're always there for him. Without you who would he be? Where would he be? Friends are fickle, they fall out, they get forgotten about, they are replaceable.

Friends are for fun, but you have always been the mainstay of his life. And whatever he intended, you know this is true. You sound like a wonderful Mum. I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.

[Legoandloldolls]

Kids can be thoughtless sometimes.

I am sure it will be long forgotten memory by next week and he will something charming soon enough to make up for it.

[Glastonbury2020]

My DS,13, said something similar to me- that we are nothing like each other and we would never have been friends if he had known the teen me.
He is right. I was bullied by teens like my son- arrogant, cocky and cruel- but I have tried not to take it to heart. I don't like my son because I know he is nasty to 'uncool' teens, but I am his mum and I hope he will grow out of it.
Have your shower, have a cry, have some wine and try to put it behind you. X

[willloman]

You sound great. Maybe he just meant that you are his mum and it would be too weird to be friends type thing? Like he wouldn't like you on his instagram etc? My daughter was like this until she hit late teens and suddenly discovered her mum is a human being too...

[AnneTwackie]

They try to push your buttons and it’s natural for teens to push their parents away to an extent. Nothing wrong with showing you are hurt, you sound like a great mum- I’d want you as friend! Please don’t beat yourself up any more and try to enjoy the rest of your holiday

[Sunnydayhere]

@m0therofdragons

You’re allowed to be hurt and it’s am important lesson for him too.

Dd announced tonight I’m not “mum” in her phone, I’m “birth giver”. It’s stupid but I was really hurt. Dd3 spoke to me like I was nothing tonight (I asked her to tidy her room) and then dd1 just sees me as the one who birthed her. I know in reality they love me but I couldn’t hide the hurt.

Quietly skip making tea for a day, no clothes washing either. Just do your own. No fuss, no drama.

When asked just mention that birth givers don’t do tea or household chores, they’ve already done their job. See what she says.

[tara66]

He's only 14 - self centred and immature. He has not realised what his situation without you might have been and may never realise it. ''No good deed goes unrewarded'' - this is often true.

[lyralalala]

Did he get the chance to say why?

It might have been a cruel dig, but also it might just have been a musing.

My DD1 has said several times that if we were the same age we wouldn't be friends, and she's absolutely right. She's sporty, loud, likes being out all of the time whereas I'm quiet, bookish and a homebody.

We see our friend's parents differently to our own at 14. At 14 Billy's Mum runs them to footy practise and Sarah's Mum buys pizza randomly when we're doing homework, whereas our own adults nag us to tidy our room and do our homework.

Finding out where you fit with people as adults is one of the hardest things as you grow up imo. You relationship with your parents (or Grandparents in my case growing up) changes a lot.

It can be very strange to realise that someone you love very much and is an every day part of your life wouldn't be part of your life at all in different circumstances.

[MrsCobbit]

Are you normally this emotional? Don’t be so ridiculous

[SBTLove]

I have 4DC, 15/26, the youngest can be fantastic but also has said some typical hurtful teenager things, reassure yourself
they do grow up.
My eldest DD recently said to me that she knew there were hard times growing up but I always put them first and made sure they had everything and she appreciated how hard I’ve worked to get to where we are; now that reduced me to tears!
The DO appreciate their mum they just don’t know it yet at 13,14,15.

[Italiangreyhound]

It's totally understandable you feel upset. It's a mean thing to say.

Hope all will be well soon and it really doesn't reflect how he sees you a mum, which is what really counts, I think.

[UniversalAunt]

From what OP has said about her upbringing & she has strived to bypass the patterns of her hurt mother, I can only guess that once OP had left the dinner table, DH & DS will have spent some time discussing what has happened....

@Chaotic45 from what you say, you have not ‘flounced’, you made a tactical removal so that your feelings did not overwhelm you in public, nothing like how you describe the behaviours of your mother (‘very over emotional parent, she was fragile, an alcoholic and had a terrible temper.)

You are a fantastic mum, strong & reliable, thoughtful, generous & hard working. Your DS at the moment is no diplomat & trying on new guises - that’s what 14yos do.

His comments did land a bruising blow on you & when you recovered enough to keep your ‘fab mum poker face’ & ask him why he would not ‘want you’, he does not yet have the experience, charm or chutzpah to smooth your feathers. So whilst he did not intend to hurt you, you have still taken the blow & understandably feel hurt.

Me, I’d discuss this calmly tomorrow morning & set diplomatic relations back to normal. But I would not be quite so amenable to running round after him & his mates - let the cool parents have a go. Find yourself busy doing things for yourself, you deserve this.

[akerman]

You sound like a wonderful mum and I'm not surprised you're hurt. I wonder if he meant it to be quite so insensitive though. I think he probably sees you as so strong and so reliable that you are pure mother for him, which is so much more precious than friend. (And I write as one whose mother was abusive, and I would still today give my right arm to feel about a mother the way I think your son feels about you.) xxx

[August20]

Aw, I'm sorry your son hurt your feelings but to imply that one throwaway comment could ruin your family holiday is a bit over the top, especially as he didn't seem to intend being hurtful.

Realistically, if you were the same as as your son, would you want to be friends with him?

Heck, if your parents were the same age as you would you be friends with them?

I love my mum but I probably wouldn't be friends with her if we were the same age - and I'm not a teenager! She's wonderful and has been an excellent mum, but that means I can't really see her as a cool friend and tbh we don't have any hobbies/interests in common. Heck, I probably wouldn't be friends with my own sister if she wasn't my sister and we are pretty close in age. Doesn't mean I don't love them to the moon and back or that I am unhappy to be relatives or even that I would choose to spend time with friends over them.

It might have stung a bit more because he listed other people's parents, but he doesn't know them as parents, really. They haven't parented him so he is free to see them as cool. I'm sure many of their kids wouldn't say they would be friends with their own parents if you see what I mean.

You said: It hurt to hear him list parents who I know don't go out of their way for DC like I do.

Well, that's kind of the point. He's not saying they'd be better parents, he's saying they could be friends in another life. You might not be a great hypothetical friend to him, but that's because you're being a good mum.

But anyway it's all a moot point because you're not the same age, you're mother and son.

I mean this very kindly, but I would log off mn, go to bed, and in the morning if you're still feeling a bit off, pull yourself together and go zip lining. You seem to be reacting to something very different to what he actually said.

[rwalker]

Plain and simple you are just mum .

[Twaddledee]

I think teenage boys are going through a process of finding a new way to love their mum. That can be an uncomfortable process and can include pushing you away as they are probably afraid of how strong their feelings for their mum are as they try to also make space for new emotions you get in puberty.

[lyralalala]

But I would not be quite so amenable to running round after him & his mates - let the cool parents have a go. Find yourself busy doing things for yourself, you deserve this.

I'd be very wary of doing that if I were the OP. Punishing him (which changing what she does for him would be in his eyes) for what he's said, especially after a conversation about it, is in no way conducive to keeping good communication channels open.

[Mumratheevergiving]

Totally understand why you would feel hurt and unappreciated especially as you are away on a weekend & you’ve been looking forward to spending time together. 14 year olds aren’t always emotionally mature or empathetic. It was more likely a throwaway remark, I’m sure he didn’t mean to hit a nerve. It wasn’t nice for you to hear but it may be a life lesson for him about how hurtful comments can be. Don’t dwell on it & enjoy the rest of your weekend