Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

[Aurelia278]

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

I wouldn't stay with this guy. He has shown you that sex is way more important to him than you or your feelings. That's really nasty.

Is this one of those rare threads where everyone agrees OP should end the relationship?

Pressuring you into sex and sexual activities you don't want to engage in is not on.

He feels entitled to sex when he wants it and on his terms.

I'd ask him for the £300 back for ruining your evening and then dump him.

@MrsBrunch I think it’s just @Teensandfuture that has other views on this

Run for the hills op.

The comparing you unfavorably to his exs is an example of narcissistic triangulation too (when they compare you to other women in their past or present to make you feel 'not as good as' or like you are competing with themselves women or their memory).

Throwing a huff in order to punish is also textbook narcissist behaviour.

Get out now. And never look back. Take the 300 spent as an investment well spent - in learning what he is really like.

*with these women

You spend £300 on the night.
He insists you pay for the special outfits that he wants you to wear.
You have to buy the condoms. (Why hasn't he already got them at his house?)

This sounds very unbalanced financially. Are you expected to fund most things?
And have sex on demand and be more enthusiastic than you currently are? And go home if you don't agree?

How long have you been in this relationship op? It doesn't seem great. understatement

He’s an arsehole-bin him off.

And if you pointed this out to BF when you changed your mind about sex then it is likely that it was not the lack of sex that made him angry/upset but the feeling of being controlled.

He was being controlled by her not wanting to have sex with him?

What the actual fuck?

Send him the bill. Tell
Him he can keep the condoms. Maybe he can use them as water balloons next time his mum arranged a play date for him.

There was a thread recently where an OP had been out with her h for a romantic evening and things had seemed as if they were moving in the right direction, and then when they got home he went straight on to the internet for some reason. She was upset and posters were understanding of the fact.

Someone choosing to go on the internet is different from someone being tired and not feeling 100%.

He could have snuggled up to you and had sec in morning when you were not feeling full and tired. Instead he threw a strop and was insulting to you. What does that tell you about how much he cares about you and your feelings OP? Bin him off. Set your bar higher.

sassanacs
I'd like to know your logic for any other day being different?

Pretty obvious I'd say

Any other day is a normal day when normal rules apply.

Birthday is MY special day, nobody else's.
That's why I get presents and being treated nicely on my birthday. I chose what we do on my birthday and it's usually because it's meant to be a happy day for ME and not everyone else, although it would be great for everyone to be happy.

LTB
He sooo selfish he never took into consideration that you spent on average a whole week salary in one day for his birthday.
He is financially abusive too.
Has he ever spent similar amount on you?
What a utter dick ask u leave early cos like what the point urgh emotional abusive too.
Ger rid.

You sound really nice - why on earth are you wasting your time (and lots of money) on such an ungrateful and self-centred asshole.
No one should EVER try to force you against your own will.
The relationship will not work if he puts you under this much pressure.
It doesn't take a lot to work out why he's go so many ex's.

@Teensandfuture

sassanacs I'd like to know your logic for any other day being different?

Pretty obvious I'd say

Any other day is a normal day when normal rules apply.

Birthday is MY special day, nobody else's.
That's why I get presents and being treated nicely on my birthday. I chose what we do on my birthday and it's usually because it's meant to be a happy day for ME and not everyone else, although it would be great for everyone to be happy.

And that includes sex when you want it even if the other person doesn't.

And they should damn well be happy about it because of course it's about you. It's your day.

Do you know how many women have experienced rape? And you are actually condoning it because of a birthday.
If the OP doesn't want to have sex and he coerced her that is rape.

Shocking stuff to write to another woman.

@Teensandfuture

pyon None, believe it or not I've never actually had a similar problem in my life as anyone I was with did make my birthday special, same as I theirs, in and out of bedroom.

Just a practical suggestion :do have your birthday sex before going out for dinner, that way no stake can interfere with desire 😁

Made your birthday special? Ew. So creepy and I say this as someone who will forego booze just so I'm 'in the mood' later on.

I'd have voluntarily left if my bf had thrown a strop like that because he wasn't getting laid.

Write off the money and dump the sulky bloke.
£300 is actually quite a bargain for getting rid of someone who makes you feel so bad about yourself.

Why are the two of you in a relationship? Seriously—you sound funamentally mismatched and there are so many issues.

1: why are you spending £300 on him for his bday? Seriously that’s ridiculous, it comes across like you’re trying to hard and overcompensating—does he make you feel like trash, and like you need to do things to impress you?

2: sex life: it sounds like he’s a dick to you about this, but also like you don’t particularly enjoy sex with him, and he has a desire for a slightly kinkier sex life. Which is surely an incompatibility that means you don’t get into a relationship? And his behaviour towards you is not ok!!

3: birthday sex: obviously nobody ever should feel forced to have sex. That should be a given. It sounds like you don’t really want to have sex with him in general, full stop and he is kind of starting to know this? Yes if I were him I would feel a bit rejected and upset, but I definitely would not voice it or consider trying to pressure them. However if I was planning a bday for a man I would save most of that £300, do something a lot less elaborate and make connecting as a couple (not necessarily sex, but at least something sexual or sensual) a big part of the day.

I think both of your actions that day suggests you actuallynjust isn’t like each other very much. Also, he is a tool.

There's so, so many reasons why I would leave this man. Does he make you feel good about yourself? Or do you feel yourself shrinking with each comment e.g. unfavorable comparison with his ex's. You do not have to put up with this shit. He is utterly vile.

@Thehollyandtheirony

Write off the money and dump the sulky bloke. £300 is actually quite a bargain for getting rid of someone who makes you feel so bad about yourself.

Actually, this.

Small price to pay to leave behind a selfish arsehole.

He's terrible.
Bin him
You don't have to prove anything to any man.
Dick is low value and over abundant.

There's no reason to ever spend that much on a boyfriend.
Did he spend that much on you for your bd?

$10 is plenty for a boyfriend.

Unfortunately, just because we would all like to do what we want and have what we want on our birthday, that does not give us the right to do or have certain things.

It does not, for example, give us the right to break the law, to take what isn't ours, to coerce something from someone else or to throw a huff like a spoiled brat when everything doesn't go our way. As a normal human adult (not suffering from dark triad traits or similar) we know that whether it's our birthday or not, the world still does not, alas, revolve around us.

@Teensandfuture

Just one example of reasons why I might have changed my mind about sex in your scenario. There were times when I was desperately hoping I would be pregnant after having sex at the fertile window during my cycle. Then my period would come and I would be devastated.

Even if it had been my DH's birthday, would I have wanted sex? No way in this world. Even if we'd been on a date night. And my DH would certainly not have sulked, as he would have been sad too.

And even when not trying for a baby, if my period had come at the end of a date night, I wouldn't have wanted sex. (My periods were painful and very heavy when I had them.)

If it's a truly loving relationship, then surely the only time you have sex is when you both want it? Otherwise, why would you enjoy it anyway?

123098456 is spot on