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Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 27/09/2020 09:00

@Teensandfuture

I know I want to have sex on my birthday, it's part of the overall birthday treat. I'd be pretty upset if my OH didn't think of pleasuring me in that way on my birthday and would reconsider the relationship myself.
I pity your partner.

Wether female or male, no one should have to give in just because it it their partner's birthday.

And yes, men can be hassled about 'giving in' to sex, too.

Taylrse · 27/09/2020 09:04

Don't put up with this behaviour.

You are not there to please him whenever he wants it. I can't understand people who pester for sex, the thought of guilt tripping someone into sex is such a turn off. How can people actually get off on it.

Also he seems to want to change you alot sexually, don't feel pressured into anything.

oakleaffy · 27/09/2020 09:06

@Aurelia278

I think the issue is less to do with how often and more that he wants more effort from my side to spice things up. He wants me to start dressing up and said that the underwear I have isnt sexy enough. I told him that even though its not usually my thing that if he bought something he would like to see me in, that I would be happy to wear it for him. This wasnt good enough and he got annoyed saying that I should want to go out and buy it and make the effort and that the onus is on me to go out and choose a sexy costume for him. He also got pissed off because he wanted me to go into the shop and buy the condoms to somehow prove how keen I was to have sex with him and then got sulky when I refused. He compared me unfavourably to his exs who were "up for anything" which quite frankly completely has the complete opposite effect and turns me off even more. Instead of being encouraging, he is demanding in what he feels he should be entitled to in bed which is a total turnoff.
@Aurelia278

My DH was the same...Had a thing for suspenders and stockings, so I decided to try {feeling silly}

Anyway, I put them on in the wrong order.... and it caused a kerfuffle.

DH said ''Your'e not a proper girl'' when I laughed that he couldn't get through the straps...

I laugh now, but at the time it was cringe.

We are divorced now 😂

Nowstrong · 27/09/2020 09:08

This explains it simply :

petingo · 27/09/2020 09:12

Get rid of him !

oakleaffy · 27/09/2020 09:12

[quote Nowstrong]This explains it simply :

[/quote] Very good video.

It makes things very clear.

👍

Mittens030869 · 27/09/2020 09:17

@Taylrse I agree with you. Why do some people think they'll make their partner want to have sex with them by guilt tripping the? It's just pathetic.

SueEllenMishke · 27/09/2020 09:18

What's not OK exactly?
To have my birthday the way I want? If my idea of perfect birthday celebration includes passionate sex, then that's my idea.
If my partner can't make me happy on my special day once a year , what's the point of the relationship?

WTF have I just read?

Mittens030869 · 27/09/2020 09:18

Whoops, I meant 'guilt tripping them'. Blush

Dillydallyingthrough · 27/09/2020 09:20

OP you know this is awful behaviour, your DP shouldn't make you feel embarrassed, humiliated or inferior to their ex. You know this, call it off and move on.

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2020 09:24

@Aurelia278

I think the issue is less to do with how often and more that he wants more effort from my side to spice things up. He wants me to start dressing up and said that the underwear I have isnt sexy enough. I told him that even though its not usually my thing that if he bought something he would like to see me in, that I would be happy to wear it for him. This wasnt good enough and he got annoyed saying that I should want to go out and buy it and make the effort and that the onus is on me to go out and choose a sexy costume for him. He also got pissed off because he wanted me to go into the shop and buy the condoms to somehow prove how keen I was to have sex with him and then got sulky when I refused. He compared me unfavourably to his exs who were "up for anything" which quite frankly completely has the complete opposite effect and turns me off even more. Instead of being encouraging, he is demanding in what he feels he should be entitled to in bed which is a total turnoff.
Oh come on!

Why on earth are you with him?

The bloke is a pig!

(Bet he wouldn't spend £300 on your birthday)

Angrymum22 · 27/09/2020 09:24

There are two slightly worrying issues with your relationship OP
Firstly the over riding red flag is your emphasis on how much you spent on BF. Secondly the whole discussion about sex implies that you are very much in control and it is early days in this relationship.
This relationship is never going to work. You cannot buy someone’s love, respect or compliance. If you were a man posting about how much money you had spent on a girlfriend this post would have been pinging like an Aldi checkout. The sex is irrelevant here it’s the fact that you feel you are entitled to make decisions based on money spent. And if you pointed this out to BF when you changed your mind about sex then it is likely that it was not the lack of sex that made him angry/upset but the feeling of being controlled.
You are perfectly entitled to change your mind, but I think you are now his ex and he did the finishing.

ClementineWoolysocks · 27/09/2020 09:27

He sounds like a twat, get rid of him.
Maybe he'd like a relationship with a 40-year-old woman who enjoys sex and has no hung ups about it, maybe someone who thinks amazing birthday sex is the be-all and end-all of relationship success?

Inertia · 27/09/2020 09:31

So he pressures you for sex you don’t want, emotionally blackmails you for refusing him, makes demands that you perform sex in a certain way, and insists that you go out and spend your own money on the costumes / equipment for this performative sex even after you’ve lashed out hundreds on his birthday treat?

How is any of this love?

Sakurami · 27/09/2020 09:33

Point him to this thread- heay learn something or get in touch with teens- they sound like a match made in heaven.

He sounds vile and I would never want to have sex with him.

SistemaAddict · 27/09/2020 09:36

Good god. Having been in similar n relationships when you get them please get out now.

Runmybathforme · 27/09/2020 09:36

@Teensandfuture

I know I want to have sex on my birthday, it's part of the overall birthday treat. I'd be pretty upset if my OH didn't think of pleasuring me in that way on my birthday and would reconsider the relationship myself.
Assuming this is real, ( really hope it isn’t ), so are you saying that even if your partner is exhausted, full of food and generally not up for it, that they should just do it anyway ? So you wouldn’t care if they got any pleasure out of it so long as your own needs were met ?
Topseyt · 27/09/2020 09:38

I'd actually have taken him up on his suggestion of leaving early. In fact, I'd have been gone by morning and wouldn't be going back.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 27/09/2020 09:41

You paid £300 to break up with him. I hope he is your ex now, OP.

Lovemusic33 · 27/09/2020 09:43

I would have made his birthday one to remember by dumping him.

He sounds like a spoilt child. You deserve better.

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 09:46

I know I want to have sex on my birthday, it's part of the overall birthday treat.I'd be pretty upset if my OH didn't think of pleasuring me in that way on my birthday and would reconsider the relationship myself

I think a lot of folks have jumped on this, understandably, because it’s poorly written. The poster has already explained that she’s never been with anyone who didn’t wish to have sex and she’s also clearly stated if the person didn’t she’d re consider the relationship, not that she wishes to “rape” the person or make them have sex against their will.

I think the point has been made, the bandwagon has truely been jumped on, there is no room for further pile ons asking the same question in more and more hysterical tones.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/09/2020 09:47

Just get rid OP.
Write off the 300, this guy is an arsehole.
He should hook up with the pp on this thread who also thinks she is entitled to sex because it's her birthday.
Match made in heaven.

Sassanacs · 27/09/2020 09:48

"If my partner can't make me happy on my special day once a year, what's the point of the relationship?

Any other day is completely different story".

@Teensandfuture petulant much?

My DH and I didn't have sex on our wedding night... should I have LTB?

Actually come to think of it there's been more than a few times over the 17 years we've been together when I've been up for it and he hasn't (and vice versa) and I've obviously stuck around because ya know... love... respect... other ways of being intimate such as cuddling.

Life isn't all about what you want when you want it and if you're willing to throw things away because of what you believe you're entitled to, then it's a lucky escape for them I'd say.

I'd like to know your logic for any other day being different?

nubeejinnings · 27/09/2020 09:49

Run run run. Nasty man.

Queenest · 27/09/2020 09:50

You can do better OP!

Imagine your life if you end up with this guy. Get out now - your future self will thank you.