Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

[Aurelia278]

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

He needs become your ex ... coercing you into sex and wanting you to leave because you didnt. He should just enjoy being with you not needing you to make yourself more sexy to him- you should be already. Find someone who really values you!

aerial
Unfortunately, I have experienced rape in the past and a partner wanting a nicer sex on his birthday, talking about it just before, getting protection and OP refusing /not feeling it definitely isn't a rape.

She didn't say he forced her to, did she? He didn't get what he wanted and thrown toys out of his pram, kicking off telling her to leave in the morning . Where is the rape here???

@Teensandfuture

sassanacs I'd like to know your logic for any other day being different?

Pretty obvious I'd say

Any other day is a normal day when normal rules apply.

Birthday is MY special day, nobody else's.
That's why I get presents and being treated nicely on my birthday. I chose what we do on my birthday and it's usually because it's meant to be a happy day for ME and not everyone else, although it would be great for everyone to be happy.

So if, in the future, one of your children comes to you, distressed and upset, and disclosed that their partner had raped them, ( on the partners birthday) you’d seriously tell them that was ok, because everyone is entitled to sex on their birthday?

You have serious issues around consent. Perhaps it would be useful to explore those. Before you pass such warped ideas on to your children.

My ex was like this and like a pp I often did things to please him, even if I didn't always want to. It eroded my self esteem and he became increasingly demanding and always sought to push my boundaries. It doesn't get better. Ditch his sorry arse.

dominic

What a load of rubbish.
I've already said I've not had similar situation in my life. Fortunately my partners were willing to make me happy on my special day, never had issues around not getting it and there was no consent issue. Maybe being a bit more flirtatious than usual showing I'm really up for it always did the trick on the day, maybe men in general are less self in this regard. Nothing wrong in satisfying your partner on his birthday, especially if you see he really wants it.

Also in general, OP didn't give consent, nothing happened. He was disappointed and reacted badly but he didn't overstepped the mark and didn't coerse or forced himself on her. Please don't try make out this situation more than what it was.

I do think bringing rape into this discussion isn't appropriate. The boyfriend acted like a spoiled brat not a rapist after all. When she refused, he didn't try to force her to consent to sex, he asked her to leave. Not okay in the slightest, but comparing it to rape is hyperbolic to say the least.

I don't think that @Teensandfuture is suggesting that raping the OP would have been right at all, just that he was justified in being disappointed.

She has actually said that she's been raped herself.

OP, you are someone who appears easily coerced into doing things which aren't in your best interest. So put some barriers in place.

1. Never spend £300 on a man again. In fact, don't buy any new boyfriends anything. Let them show you who they are first
2. Let them buy their own bloody condoms. Unless you are married or in a LTR, in which case put them on the grocery shop 😆.
3. Do things because you want to. Not to impress, not because you are insecure, or because you think it's the way to hang onto an unworthy arse wipe.

You sound very young.
If you have read this thread and are still planning to stay with this man you will be sorry in the future. I hope this post isn't for real. Too many similar posts on MN this week.

It's not rape, but if is coercion (attempted coercion).

It is also seriously ungrateful and unreasonable.

Op should have been able to say she'd prefer not to have sex when they got home due to tiredness and overfullness without being told to leave her boyfriend's home (having spent 300 quid and time and effort on his birthday).

"You're my gf and you've spent the day paying for stuff for me for my birthday bit now we've got home a d you don't fancy sex right now; you can fuck off out of my home, go away".

Lovely guy.
Great relationship material.

So many posts like this recently. We really need young people to be better trained in what healthy relationships look like, red flags etc.

You would never enter a business partnership with someone who behaves like this, demanding, stroppy, unable to see things from your point of view, coercively dangling what other “businesses” have done, coercively demanding services you do not wish to provide....you just wouldn’t put all your financial eggs in this basket.

So why do young women sign up to these relationships while looking for a life partner, accepting behaviour that risks their health, wealth, wellbeing, security, health and well-being of their future children etc?

@Aurelia278 This man is showing you how he will behave about sex through the duration of your relationship. Can you really stand this if you have children with him and sex slips down your priority list? Can you really believe that someone who prioritises his sexual gratification over a mutually respectful relationship with you won’t have an affair when he feels he isn’t getting what he wants? You aren’t married -so the relationship is a test run for both of you. He is showing you who he is. Is that someone you want to set up life with?

@Teensandfuture

aerial Unfortunately, I have experienced rape in the past and a partner wanting a nicer sex on his birthday, talking about it just before, getting protection and OP refusing /not feeling it definitely isn't a rape.

She didn't say he forced her to, did she? He didn't get what he wanted and thrown toys out of his pram, kicking off telling her to leave in the morning . Where is the rape here???

I think you are completely missing the point and the rest of his behaviour he was showing leading up. Like I said before, he is training her. All of she has written is him training her so she never says No and she does as she is told. He prob has history of being an abuser and he is testing her. It is all text book I'm afraid

Like the shark cage analogy. Testing to see her boundaries. Because most women would not tolerate the way he speaks or acts towards her. He is trying to knock her down bit by bit.

As you said you are a woman who has experienced rape, I find it shocking and actually quite messed up that you would think it's ok to have sex with someone because it is your birthday , even if the other person doesn't.
Fortunately, you seem to be the only person with that attitude and hopefully the OP will see what a nasty man he is.

Dump this shit. Nothing will ever be good enough for him and you won't get a moments peace.
Can you imagine having a baby a few weeks old and he'll be going on and on and on about sex ad nauseam.
Some men are never satisfied with any sex they get, it always has to be more and more.
Did he even bother to thank you for the day out.

I also said coercion is rape. Not that he raped her. And all his behaviour is coercion. Massive red flags of it

I think it must be his turn to go out and buy a sexy outfit to prove how much he wants you👀
What a brat he is☹️
would you want to have sex with someone knowing that they felt really full and comfortable and didn't want to do it?
Sex should be about mutual pleasure and enjoyment but he just wants to be serviced by someone and doesn't care about whether they enjoy it☹️

I used to get the same off my exH, the one time he bought me a substandard birthday present in 20 years he expected a night of sex in exchange for the cheap and nasty gift, he didn't get it and he never bought me a gift again for either birthday or christmas. maybe some diamonds may have made me feel more sexy, but not something that looks like it's made out of plastic. I'm not that cheap.

Wow. This guy's a user.
Anyone has right to change their mind about sex at any point - shouldn't be subject to manipulation. Tell this loser to walk on.

@Mittens030869

I do think bringing rape into this discussion isn't appropriate. The boyfriend acted like a spoiled brat not a rapist after all. When she refused, he didn't try to force her to consent to sex, he asked her to leave. Not okay in the slightest, but comparing it to rape is hyperbolic to say the least.

I don't think that @Teensandfuture is suggesting that raping the OP would have been right at all, just that he was justified in being disappointed.

She has actually said that she's been raped herself.

Do you understand what coercion is? What it looks like? Do you understand it in the context of consent? Do you realise that sex without consent freely given is rape? Do you realise that in a relation that starts with coercion, the dynamics can very quickly change? The waters around consent and coercion can become very muddied? It is very sad that in 2020, on a parenting website, there are STILL women who are ‘ok’ with this type of behaviour.

Damn right @Dominicgoings

He asked her to leave to punish her. To show her this is what happens if you say no to me. If you want us to be happy or for him to be happy more like, don't upset me

Classic text book training

I'm actually a survivor of childhood SA so I know what consent is, believe me, and I was raped by my own F (as was my DSis). Coercion can definitely lead to rape. If the boyfriend had emotionally blackmailed the OP into sex that would indeed have been rape. But in this instance, the manchild sulked and threw his toys out of the pram but he didn't press for sex further.

A very spoiled attitude to birthdays, though. My DD1 coped better when she couldn't have the birthday treat she wanted because of lockdown.

I would dump him because he was a spoiled brat.

I'm sorry if I caused offence. Yes, this man's actions could have led the OP to beg for forgiveness and consent to sex, which would have made it rape, of course.

Maybe my boundaries are skewed as a result of my past.

Think main issue here is not even birthday situation but pushing boundaries in general.

He was pushing boundaries before, OP obviously wasn't comfortable and things escalated.

OP you need to understand he won't change, you will never be happy when he constantly asking for more and resentment already been building up.

Nobody will enforce your boundaries for you OP, apart from yourself.

In this situation it means leaving him and finding someone else who's more suitable.

I myself personally would not be happy if someone pushed me to do things I didn't want and I have left a dating situation for that reason, think twice.
Once was many years ago when all he talked about anal sex and didn't understand repeated no. He didn't actually forced it but constant begging for it sucked the joy of sexual enjoyment with him.
The other situation was more recent, when hearing him voicing his fantasy made me scared and deeply uncomfortable with said fantasy. In my world it was a perversion and I couldn't be OK with that. I was sad to make a decision to leave, as he had so many positive qualities I was looking for in a partner but I would not be able to carry on.

Ah yes he didn't press further only because she didn't play the game of control he is.
He is laying the ground for next time. Next time she may give in for a quiet life, not for him to be upset etc
It starts off small. He is testing her.

What kind of bloke doesn't buy his own condoms? He wants her to buy them to see if she will do as she is told.
Small small steps until they have a relationship where he wants sex when he wants it. Regardless of a birthday.

These are all red flags.

@Aerial2020

He asked her to leave to punish her. To show her this is what happens if you say no to me. If you want us to be happy or for him to be happy more like, don't upset me

Classic text book training

This⤴️ he is attempting to train her so that she will serve and obey him

Bluntness mentioned mismatched sex drives. It goes deeper than that, it is coercion. I seem to remember a thread I posted ages ago about my ex, and Bluntness again mentioned mismatched sex drives when I was actually being sexually abused and still have issues about it now. Be careful of the advice you give on these type of threads.

OP, you are being coerced. Dump this wanker ASAP, it gets worse.