Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

564 replies

Aurelia278 · 27/09/2020 00:22

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

OP posts:
GarlicSoup · 27/09/2020 08:11

@Teensandfuture

It was his birthday. Birthday sex is non negotiable really, you should have made some effort. Any other day - no, he would be unreasonable. However, his reaction is shit. No one is right in this situation. You didn't fulfil birthday expectations, he is being nasty in return
Please say you’re not serious? Angry
VictoriaBun · 27/09/2020 08:11

So he wants you to ' spice ' things up ? Go out and buy some handcuffs and whip them out when your out somewhere together for outside fun. Get him attached to something and chuck the keys just out of reach . Tell him he's a knob and dumped .Walk away .

GemmeFatale · 27/09/2020 08:12

Out of interest is he making the effort he expects you to? Does he wear sexy underwear or comfy ones? Spending an hour on hair and makeup so he looks fabulously handsome for you? Sporting an outfit he feels daft in with shoes he can’t walk in because it’s what would make you hot?

No. Of course he bloody isn’t.

FourPlasticRings · 27/09/2020 08:15

Wow. What a prince. Run fast, run far- especially if you're looking for anything serious like marriage and kids.

Viviennemary · 27/09/2020 08:18

He sounds a real sex obsessed creep. Getting dressed up indeed. Run a mile.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2020 08:19

Get yourself out of this inadequate and toxic relationship. Anyone who compares you unfavourably to their exes in an attempt to manipulate you into sex is not a keeper.

Work on your self-respect. This is not ok.

(I hope teens can now understand that coercion into sex is a bad thing - hopefully a little education for them).

BBCONEANDTWO · 27/09/2020 08:19

@Teensandfuture

It was his birthday. Birthday sex is non negotiable really, you should have made some effort. Any other day - no, he would be unreasonable. However, his reaction is shit. No one is right in this situation. You didn't fulfil birthday expectations, he is being nasty in return
Are you the OP's creepy boyfriend?
Eddielzzard · 27/09/2020 08:19

So entitled. Is this what you want for the next 50 years?

RedToothBrush · 27/09/2020 08:23

@Teensandfuture

User

I'm a 40 year old woman and actually know what I want.

One of the things I want in a relationship is a healthy sex life, with some better then average sex on special occasions.
Luckily, most of men have no issues with this. Well, at least I've not been intimate with one that thinks otherwise. Maybe I was just lucky or maybe I have no hung ups re sex and actually enjoy it.

You know what you want.

You also think everyone else should accept coercion and rape once a year.

Im not really up for that thanks.

Dozer · 27/09/2020 08:23

Run for the hills!

Even before his nastiness when you got back to his, he’d shown coercive tendencies. And it was rude of him, after a day of you spending loads of money on him, to bring up ‘spicing things up’, what MORE he wants you to do, sexually.

Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s into porn and has some bad attitudes about women, and sex.

midsummabreak · 27/09/2020 08:24

I’m with @Frappuccinofan play him at his own game and ask for a refund of £300, as he certainly has ruined your evening. Then run as far away as you can from Mr Entitled

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 08:25

I think it’s good you can both have an open conversation about sex and yes it’s important both of you can articulate your needs. That’s healthy

However him saying he wants sexy underwear but it’s your job to buy it is not ok, and him wanting you to buy condoms to prove you want to have sex with him is just icky

On the flip side though, I don’t quite believe you were any more full from your meal when you got home than you were when you were buying condoms, so you likely already knew fundamentally you didn’t wish to have sex with him, as opposed to you did and changed your mind.

I also am uncomfortable with the way you phrase he can’t speak to you like that after you spent money on him, like he owes you. Speaking to you like that should be acceptable or not, irrelevant of how much cash you splashed.

If the fundamental issue here is you just don’t really want to have sex with him, then he is probably right, what is the point. That’s companionship not a romantic relationship. And spending money on him doesn’t entitle you to anything, in terms of how long you can stay etc.

If this relationship basically doesn’t work due to mis matched sex drives/needs and wider expectations it’s probably better you both just agree to end it now and don’t drag it out further.

Lockdownseperation · 27/09/2020 08:25

There is only one thing you boyfriend said which I would agree with, you should leave early only to never to return. This man thinks it’s OK a to pressure/coerce you into sex. That is never OK. Among all my friends, male and female, I don’t know any one who thinks this is acceptable. Think about this, why would he want to have sex with someone who doesn’t? It’s all about him at your expense. He believes he has rights over your body. He won’t improve. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? When you are feeling unwell, been ill, pregnant, had a baby, exhausted from children, menopausal with a man who thinks what he wants comes first.

Marmite27 · 27/09/2020 08:26

@Teensandfuture

It was his birthday. Birthday sex is non negotiable really, you should have made some effort. Any other day - no, he would be unreasonable. However, his reaction is shit. No one is right in this situation. You didn't fulfil birthday expectations, he is being nasty in return
What the fuck? Angry

If one person doesn’t want to, you don’t. End of story.

OP you’re not wrong Flowers

Isthisit22 · 27/09/2020 08:27

@Aurelia278

I think the issue is less to do with how often and more that he wants more effort from my side to spice things up. He wants me to start dressing up and said that the underwear I have isnt sexy enough. I told him that even though its not usually my thing that if he bought something he would like to see me in, that I would be happy to wear it for him. This wasnt good enough and he got annoyed saying that I should want to go out and buy it and make the effort and that the onus is on me to go out and choose a sexy costume for him. He also got pissed off because he wanted me to go into the shop and buy the condoms to somehow prove how keen I was to have sex with him and then got sulky when I refused. He compared me unfavourably to his exs who were "up for anything" which quite frankly completely has the complete opposite effect and turns me off even more. Instead of being encouraging, he is demanding in what he feels he should be entitled to in bed which is a total turnoff.
Dump him- he's a selfish pig. This controlling, demanding, selfish attitude will leak into other areas too I am sure- if it hasn't already. I bet he didn't make a big fuss of your birthday did he?
PivotPivott · 27/09/2020 08:31

So many red flags. Please leave.
So he doesn't think you're sexy enough and he demands you dress up. This isn't normal OP. It certainly isn't normal for him to sulk when you say no to having sex. Never ever should you just go along with it to make someone happy.

FemaleAndLearning · 27/09/2020 08:33

Huge red flag. Are there any others? Trust your instincts this is not a healthy relationship he is playing the Headworker and Sexual Controller see the Freedom Programme. I think you had a lucky escape god knows what he would have coerced you to do during sex. Forget the £300 it's only money your safety and freedom are more important.

Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex
AlternativePerspective · 27/09/2020 08:34

I'd be pretty upset if my OH didn't think of pleasuring me in that way on my birthday and would reconsider the relationship myself. I’d save you the effort.

OP he sounds like an arse. But while his reaction was shit, I can see why he would be disappointed when you were both talking about sex and what you were going to do that night, and being affectionate on the way home only for you to turn around when it came to the crunch and say that actually you didn’t want to have sex after all.

There was a thread recently where an OP had been out with her h for a romantic evening and things had seemed as if they were moving in the right direction, and then when they got home he went straight on to the internet for some reason. She was upset and posters were understanding of the fact.

The reaction is most definitely unreasonable, but the disappointment isn’t.

Aerial2020 · 27/09/2020 08:34

@Bluntness100

I think it’s good you can both have an open conversation about sex and yes it’s important both of you can articulate your needs. That’s healthy

However him saying he wants sexy underwear but it’s your job to buy it is not ok, and him wanting you to buy condoms to prove you want to have sex with him is just icky

On the flip side though, I don’t quite believe you were any more full from your meal when you got home than you were when you were buying condoms, so you likely already knew fundamentally you didn’t wish to have sex with him, as opposed to you did and changed your mind.

I also am uncomfortable with the way you phrase he can’t speak to you like that after you spent money on him, like he owes you. Speaking to you like that should be acceptable or not, irrelevant of how much cash you splashed.

If the fundamental issue here is you just don’t really want to have sex with him, then he is probably right, what is the point. That’s companionship not a romantic relationship. And spending money on him doesn’t entitle you to anything, in terms of how long you can stay etc.

If this relationship basically doesn’t work due to mis matched sex drives/needs and wider expectations it’s probably better you both just agree to end it now and don’t drag it out further.

That's not mismatched sex drives. It is coercion. He was testing her with the condoms. He was testing her to see how far she would go to be a good girl and do as she was told. Same with the dress up. Him wanting her to go out and buy it is a test to see if she passes how far she will go to do what he says. Otherwise you would have a conversation together about it. It's all small tests that build up until she is trained well and does what he says all the time, especially with sex. And she doesn't dare say no to him. He is training her. It will soon get worse and she will not even notice because it's been small steps and she will be so used to it will be her normal.
Tistheseason17 · 27/09/2020 08:37

Hope you've dumped him. £300 is money well spent if it has opened your eyes to this unpleasant man.

cansu · 27/09/2020 08:37

Maybe you should tell him that he obviously is unhappy in the relationship and should go look up his exes while you find someone who is more in tune with your needs. Obviously, he can be disappointed that you don't want to have sex but sulking and trying to coerce you into it is revolting and a massive turn off.

Aminuts23 · 27/09/2020 08:39

OP he is disgusting! What an awful way to treat you. My advice would be that he’s shown you who he is. He’s vile. You deserve better.

@Teensandfuture your comments take my breath away. Disgraceful

dottiedodah · 27/09/2020 08:40

I think he is being massively out of order here TBH. You have paid out £300 for his birthday and he is being a massive arsehole! Nobody should "expect sex" FFS. I would be going home and not coming back TBH!

cctvrec · 27/09/2020 08:42

On the flip side though, I don’t quite believe you were any more full from your meal when you got home than you were when you were buying condoms, so you likely already knew fundamentally you didn’t wish to have sex with him, as opposed to you did and changed your mind.

Disagree. I've been on plenty of evenings out with my DH and had a great time, eating my meal and still fully expecting and looking forward to having sex when we get in. By the time it comes to it though, and we're out the taxi, either DH or I have not been in the mood cos we're feeling bloated and gassy and full. It's all great in theory but when it comes down to it... meh. Not feeling it any more. So like the adults we are, we accept the other isn't up for it and we go to bed.

I have a much higher sex drive than DH so I go unfulfilled sexually a lot of the time. It doesn't mean we're incompatible as a couple though. We have the most amazing relationship and after 16 years We're still happy. It just means I get less sex than I'd like to have .

Sex isn't a right. It's just not. You can't get it when you're not in a relationship/with someone who wants it too and there's nothing to say you should get it when in a relationship. It is something completely and utterly reliant on other people wanting it too. It is not a right. Not at all. It is entirely dependent on another human agreeing to it on every single occasion.

NiceTwin · 27/09/2020 08:54

I am surprised @Teensandfuture partner can actually perform on her birthday, such is the pressure for sex on him 😅
I almost feel sorry for the poor sod.