Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

[Aurelia278]

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

Sorry if I’ve offended some of you. I have never been coerced into sex

Wait, what????

So you're on here @Hariboqueen1, pontificating to women who HAVE been raped, coerced in your sex they didn't want to have, and emotionally manipulated by men to do things they didn't want to do, and you have NO PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF WHAT THIS ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE?

How DARE YOU. that's the worst kind of rape apologist attitude I think I have ever read on MN.

How fucking dare you.

Like I posted earlier, people with zero understanding of the situation are commenting as if they have it to hand. I mean if it was that easy, why are there laws to protect people against this kind of thing.

Oh and when I was raped, I wasn't pinned down at all on either occasion.

@KooKooKachu

People calling this rape are actually making a mockery of real rape and I actually find that sickening. is this for real?

That's so offensive!!

HariboQueen

Please fuck off

You're so ill informed about sexual coercion it's actually jaw-droppingly shocking.

How dare you question other women's sexual boundaries?

You haven't "upset" anyone. You've enraged us with your dangerous misinformation.

I make no apology for never having sex when I don't want to (trust me, I know all about rape, coercion and abuse, I've suffered the bloody lot), and by God I educate my children not to bend the knee to any of them either.

If a person is silly for wanting a 'happy birthday', or a present, then they're pretty bloody arrogant and stupid for wanting sex just because it's their birthday, aren't they? How childish. Or is it different because the fucker wears a willy?

Sorry if I’ve offended some of you. I have never been coerced into sex

In that case, you have no business commenting about rape or sexual coercion because you have no idea what you're talking about.

It's the attitude that a man has a right to expect sex on his birthday that leads to the idea that his partner doesn't have the right to say no, she doesn't want it.

@KooKooKachu

People calling this rape are actually making a mockery of real rape and I actually find that sickening. is this for real?

That's so offensive!!

Me fucking too. I can get mildly pissed off sometimes about comments on here but these comments have really made me feel so very angry and upset. No wonder rape convictions are so low when other women don't even get it.

So everyone that’s commentated has been coerced into sex? I didn’t know you had to pass a criteria. I haven’t been coerced into sex but other stuff has happened to me.

I don’t believe rape is being just pinned down. I believe you can be coerced into sex.

You know what I’ve changed my opinion. If my boyfriend acted like yours did op. I would be gone. If that had happened in our relationship and I wasn’t in the mood for sex on his birthday, he would have been disappointed but he wouldn’t have acted like yours did.

I’m just going to leave it there. People on the internet are not going to change my believes. I just believe sometimes when you’re not in the mood you can get yourself in the mood if you put the effort it and you both enjoy it. From this thread obviously it’s just me that gets like that sometimes. I wasn’t talking about painful sex you don’t want! I honestly thought a lot of women felt like that sometimes! Cant be bothered but it’s good when it’s gets going.. Anyway I do think you should get rid of him op

Who expects sex on their birthday, seriously? It's a silly outdated notion. I get it works for some couples and I would hope that its 100% consensual on both sides. But to 'expect' it. That feels grim .

Jesus fucking christ on a cream cracker, some of these comments are seriously disturbing.
Have a word with yourselves ladies, value your bodies and your right to say no a bit more. Anyone who pesters cajoles or demands sex is a worthless fuckwit.

The worst thing is, as I see it, that too many women still think it's their responsibility to keep their male partners satisfied sexually when they want it, like on their birthday. It makes me sad more than anything, that they have bought into the idea. It's so wrong and we should have moved beyond this by by now.

@Hariboqueen1 why do you keep saying painful? Do you believe that rape is always painful?

Sorry OP for derailing your thread. I'm just astounded that women out there who gave never felt uncomfortable, coerced, or manipulated into sexual encounters that they didn't want, but didn't know how to get out of, have the gall to what I can only describe as 'mansplain' how they just need to "chill out, think of something else, and by the tome it's all over, you'll have warmed up enough to have enjoyed it enough to make it do that you didn't ruin his night"

If any of you have watched 'The Morning Show' I suggest you do, because the nuance of sexual coercion is portrayed beautifully and tragically.

Sorry for typos!

@Mittens030869

The worst thing is, as I see it, that too many women still think it's their responsibility to keep their male partners satisfied sexually when they want it, like on their birthday. It makes me sad more than anything, that they have bought into the idea. It's so wrong and we should have moved beyond this by by now.

I thought women especially were more clued up to recognise what coercion looks like. This thread has been an eye opener.

Kookoo actually yes? Am I wrong? I’m happy to learn otherwise? Not always painful down there but painful mentally. Can enjoyable sex be rape? Genuinely curious?

Physically enjoyable sex can still be rape. Because you didn't want to have it, but the body responds. It's the same for the victims of paedophiles.

Spot on Candy, it is infuriating. This thread is making me angry. I've littered it with expletives. I don't want to derail the thread but OP hasn't been back and the idiots keep coming back on to tell us we should STFU and take it lying down, along with a disturbing dose of misty-eyed romanticism.

Also, are you a troll, or an apologist? Because it's pretty fucking painful for the victims.

I haven’t been coerced into sex but other stuff has happened to me

Coercion is often subtle and if other stuff has happened to you @Hariboqueen1, I'd suggest that your boundaries were worn down so as not to notice the early, subtle stuff. So you only remember the big stuff.

I'm making assumptions and obviously I don't know you but if bigger stuff happened, with someone you knew, the smaller, subtler stuff will have been there too, but you will probably have been encouraged not to notice it.

That's coercion. It's not big or dramatic. It starts small and it makes you doubt and question and try to please. Just like the OP has done, by coming on here today and asking if she's being unreasonable.

This is how sexual coercion starts

I’m never said just take it lying down! I agree I should shut my mouth as I don’t want any woman feeling like they should just have it when they don’t want to and just lie there and let it happen. I am not saying that. I’m taking about something completely different so I will shut up now.

Sorry this was from haribo I haven’t been coerced into sex but other stuff has happened to me

@Hariboqueen1

Kookoo actually yes? Am I wrong? I’m happy to learn otherwise? Not always painful down there but painful mentally. Can enjoyable sex be rape? Genuinely curious?

Yeah, you're wrong. On all accounts. I'm not about to share my experiences with you on a forum though.

Ladies you all know that at times you feel you can’t be bothered but once you put the effort in it’s enjoyable!

The only thing more depressing and disappointing than men saying things like this is women saying that.

You said you've never been a victim of sexual coercion yet have continued to dismiss the comments, experiences and beliefs of women who have. Lots of women who have.

Literally the behaviour of an apologist of men who are sexually coercive.

Maybe have a think about that. A serious and considered think instead of doubling down and being defensive.

It's like someone telling a victim of racism that they're reacting wrongly to racist comments even they haven't been a victim of racist comments themselves. Which would be dismissive and embarrassing, wouldn't it?