Boyfriend asked me to leave early for refusing sex

[Aurelia278]

I took my boyfriend out for his birthday. We spent a day in London all paid for by me (shopping, drinks, fancy steak restaurant) After a few drinks the conversation arose about our sex life and how he wants to spice things up and would like me to initiate sex more, dress up etc. I told him I was open to suggestions. He suggested we start that night and feeling a little tipsy ended up in the late night pharmacy buying condoms.
The whole journey home he was being super affectionate, complimentary which is very out of the ordinary for him. Hes usually a very hands off guy.
By the time i got home I was shattered and uncomfortably full after a 3 course meal and told him that I was simply just not feeling up to it right now.
He went into a giant huff saying that I had ruined the evening and his birthday, it could have been so nice, what was the point of buying condoms etc etc and he even went as far as to suggesting that maybe i should leave his place early in the morning as there was no point me hanging around.
I appreciate he may have been disappointed but after having spent the best part of £300 on a day out for him to be spoken to like that has left me feeling really hurt.
Was I in the wrong for changing my mind? Should I have just got over it and made an effort for his sake?

The feeling of being full is awful and I’ve had it to the point where I have had to lie down after. However this did not last all night until the next morning.

Yeah, by which point the horse has already bolted and the knobscratch of a boyfriend has already shown his true colours.

a) if he hadn't have been a entitled fuckwit, he could waited to see how OP felt about sex in the morning instead of asking her to leave and
b) upon showing his hand early he likely has put OP off any form of intimacy, full stomach or not.

Not hard to think this through is it?? That was to littered

Jesus Christ what’s with all the rape apologists on this thread? There is only one reason needed to not have sex, and that’s not wanting to have sex. Anyone can decline sex at any time if they don’t feel like it. End of story. Nobody except a misogynist pig who feels entitlement to woman’s body would take exception to this.

THIS ^

I've told fellas to get off me DURING THE DEED. Shock horror!
It's a shame but their blue balls isn't my problem.

Some of my reasons over my many years:

Feeling queasy or bloated after large meals.

Him going for the wrong hole.

Him stinking of sweat or nasty feet (that was one gross ex! He thought Lynx was a good replacement for a shower!)

Vaginal pain.

Cramp.

Food poisoning attack (not fun. DH thought he'd killed me)

Too drunk.

Knackered due to him not being able to finish in a timely manner (seriously, it gets to the point that your vag gets a damn friction burn! Just cum already!)

And the mort important one of all:

I. Didn't. Want. To. Continue.

This thread is really sad.

Having grown up with misogynistic parents, it was a bit of a head fuck.

Ended up in a relationship where coercion and rape were just normal. They didn't feel like coercion or rape. They felt like my job as a woman. This was part of it. And if you tried to explain it, 'that's what men are like' 'they'll get it elsewhere if you don't provide it' etc etc.

And he still went elsewhere.

DH now is the complete opposite. No pressure, no sulking, nothing like that. Sometimes he's disappointed, but he never shows it, or makes it about him, or ever tries to get a different answer out of me. No means no and that's that. He left me alone for a good 4 months after a terrible birth, to heal and let me say when ready. He never asked once. He told me later he did wank a lot though

So then I realised what was actually healthy. I still feel sad thinking the other way was normal

I haven't read the full thread but something similar happened to me once. Only worse because I'd actually had sex with him and was then asked to leave. I genuinely have never felt so worthless.

Op it's really simple. He prioritises sex over your wants and needs. If I'm being very generous to him I can see why he might be disappointed at the promise of sex that then didn't happen. But to treat you badly over it just shows how entitled and selfish he is.

I think I would have left and not gone back.

And what effort does he actually put into this relationship? Does he dress in sexy underwear?
Also, it seems if he's not getting sex hes not happy and this is not what a relayionship should be based on. He sound's like a dick.

That has to be the STUPIDEST thing I have seen this week.

@cctvrec
Is this a recent meme on some Menz Rights forum?

Because almost the same analogy cropped up on another thread, posted by someone who I know from familiarity with his posts is a man.

Scroll down to Sat 26-Sep-20 13:59:17 - 'nice meal out'.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a4033010-to-be-fed-up-of-dp-attitude-to-sex?msgid=100365400#100365400

Teensandfuture

*Reverse situation :

Hi, it was my birthday yesterday.
My bf and I talked about making my day special and he was saying he'd take me to Betty's for tea.
We actually made a booking and went there. When we got there he suddenly changed his mind saying he's got a headache and can we live and come back another time?
aibu to be disappointed and upset?
He says I'm being unreasonable as he's made so much effort by booking and taking me to supercar test drive! But I don't like cars that much I wanted tea at Betty's!
Should have I kept quiet and say :sure darling we can go to Betty's next time, it's not a problem or should have I stayed for tea myself and letting him go home to rest? I knew tea on my own wouldn't be as fun.
I feel rejected and unloved.
Is he right in not wanting to go through with made plans or should he have made more effort to make my day special??
Thanks in advance for replies

Just to be clear, is it Betty's Tea Room in Harrogate?*

Just to be clear, MY body, MY choice at all times.

It's like going back to the dark days of the 1970's and before reading your and some of the other poster's posts.

Sexual coercion nearly destroyed me. It started like this and got worse and worse. I still blame myself, and don't think I will ever talk about it in real life. There just aren't the words. Don't put up with it. You are worth more than this.

The thing with threads like this is the majority of the posters are well-meaning and offer solid, brilliant advice and a hand hold. Then there are the minority who offer completely useless advice which often blames the OP for not 'doing what she should do' and have zero understanding of the situation.

I know a forum is supposed to offer a range of views but in cases like this it is fucking black and white in a moral sense, and we have laws built around this which clarifies the matter in a legal sense. And yet posters still come on who are entirely fucking clueless and make the OP feel bad (like she wasn't feeling bad enough already for having such a turd of a boyfriend) and the OP can end up often doubting themselves further and feeling inadequate in some way. It fucks me right off. If you cant empathise with the situation don't try and pretend you understand it. Betty's fucking tea room. Fuck my life

I don't have sex when I don't want to.

I would be appalled if I manipulated a person to have sex when they didn't want to.

I don't care if it's someone's birthday, the day before their bloody execution, anything. . . no-one owes anyone sex when they don't want to.

I remember a family member saying 'oh fuck, it's his birthday, I suppose I'll have to have sex with him'. . . I thought, 'what a pathetic indictment on your relationship. . .

What a selfish entitled twat. I would cut your losses and get rid of him now.

@Hariboqueen1 I was going to write something measured and eloquent, but I've just re-read your comment and effectively you've just said the op should've just lay back and think of England.
So no. Fuck that shit,

Just no.

That's archaic l, patriarchal bullshit that meant that for years, rape wasn't considered a possibility in marriage because it was a man's right, and the wife just needed to get on with it and suck it up.

How fucking dare you,

@Hariboqueen1

I’m going against the grain and say I can see why he was annoyed but I do think he went over the top. People calling this rape are actually making a mockery of real rape and I actually find that sickening. If she said no and he then pinned her down and forced her to have sex this is rape. How dare you compare this to painful life scaring worst night of my life rape!!!!!

It’s his birthday. To most young men sex is their favourite thing in the world. If you were feeling sick or in pain I think that it’s an acceptable reason not to have sex on his birthday. But to not feeling in the mood? Not so much. I agree with teen, it’s his birthday just make the effort. Yea full sex isn’t that great but you know once you get into it it’s fine. It’s not painful it doesn’t feel like rape as it’s not!!!!

All you people saying his birthday has nothing to with it... What if she hadn’t felt like dinner then? Could she have cancelled that? She booked his birthday meal and drinks but then on the day she felt too full up from lunch and she wasn’t really in the mood to go. He can’t get annoyed can he as it’s her body and she can take it where she wants to take it. Who cares if it’s his birthday? Any other time that she had booked dinner but she didn’t fancy it it would be fine to cancel, but imaging cancelling a meal because you didn’t feel like it on your partners birthday. A birthday is different. I completely get what you are saying teen.

My opinion he was wrong in saying what he said about you ruining his birthday. That is unacceptable. But I can see why he felt disappointed. It’s his birthday and you weren’t in the mood.

Ladies you all know that at times you feel you can’t be bothered but once you put the effort in it’s enjoyable!

That’s my honest opinion I can’t change what I feel. I would feel disappointed if my boyfriend didn’t want sex on my birthday 🤷‍♀️ Put some effort in fgs it’s my birthday!

Fucking Hell - Make an effort ladies - it won't really hurt too much, coercion doesn't mean the same as "real rape"

I don't think people are saying it was rape.
They are saying that it was an attempt at sexual coercion, which at its most extreme ends in rape.
Consent should be the bedrock of any sexual encounter.
Not putting up and shutting up because don't you know it's their birthday.
If some parents are teaching their sons that they should expect women to behave like this they are doing them no favours at all.

All I’m saying is on my boyfriends birthday but I wasn’t in the mood for sex I wouId do it anyway. I’m talking about the sex where you can’t be bothered to have it but once you put the effort in you enjoy it. If it wouldn’t have been that. If it would have been you going through the motions and hating it. Then I think you’re in the wrong relationship.

Sex is effort. Sometimes you can’t be bothered and feel lazy and full up. But once you start it’s good. Like I said I can’t change what I think.

Oh. And @Hariboqueen1 just because you are t pinned down, doesn't mean you haven't been raped. Trust me.

Fucking hell. I want to write something really offensive but I won't.

Suffice to say it's attitudes like yours that lead to misconceptions about how take happens, and the range of responses that people go through when experiencing a man choosing to fuck you when you don't want them to. Being pinned down is ONE way of raping someone. I hope to god you're never on jury service for a rape case.

@Hariboqueen1 ANY reason is a good reason to not have sex.

There's no acceptable here. It doesn't have to be acceptable. I don't want to is more than good enough.

Jesus fucking Christ... put up with it, it's not painful,young men's favourite thing is sex?

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

And actually, you CAN change the way you think. You just don't want to.

@Hariboqueen1

All I’m saying is on my boyfriends birthday but I wasn’t in the mood for sex I wouId do it anyway. I’m talking about the sex where you can’t be bothered to have it but once you put the effort in you enjoy it. If it wouldn’t have been that. If it would have been you going through the motions and hating it. Then I think you’re in the wrong relationship.

Sex is effort. Sometimes you can’t be bothered and feel lazy and full up. But once you start it’s good. Like I said I can’t change what I think.

Just because you have fucked up ideas about sex and "duty" and really really poor boundaries it doesn't mean other women do too. Even more importantly it definitely doesn't mean that they should or that "lie back and think of England" should be normalised,promoted and encouraged.

Sorry if I’ve offended some of you. I have never been coerced into sex. I’m not saying have sex when it’s going to be painful and life scarring! If not you’re not going to enjoy sex don’t have it!!!

It’s not painful it doesn’t feel like rape as it’s not!!!!

A new low for mumsnet. I've been raped too on a couple of occasions. And you know what it boiled down to??? Go on, guess???

A man's fucking sense of entitlement to MY fucking body, that's what!!!

Make the effort?! I fucking dare to compare coercion to rape because it stems from the same systemic belief. The belief that a woman's body is property of a man and a woman doesn't have a right to her own autonomy. And by 'making an effort' being forced to do something you don't feel like doing to please a bloke it perpetuates the myth. I dare to challenge this view. How dare YOU come on here and tell the rest of us women were we are going wrong??